[R.L]

[thetreesandwinds]

I haven’t written here in a long time. I was talking to my father recently and i mentioned going to visit my friend “upstate” and staying the weekend. I’d be taking the train and staying there for a couple days. She’s been asking me to for some time now and I feel like I could use a change of scenery. Recently ive been thinking that maybe I might be attracted to her and what it might mean for me to spend the weekend with her at her school. I’ve never spent 2 days with somebody away from home. I doubt I’d get homesick. I feel like the opposite. I wonder what the light is like in her dorm. I’m trying to be present but I’m also trying to write and I also consistently think about who I can start my life with. I think it’ll be fun to wake up somewhere new. There’s nothing wrong with where I wake up now but to be somewhere out in the sticks with someone I’m fond of would be nice. I don’t know if I’m the best man currently. Probably not. I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship or if there is truly such a thing as ready. There probably isn’t. I know I can be great, I’m bound to be. Anyways, I’m excited to visit her. I hope things go well. End. [7/20/26]

[anstee]

[thetreesandwinds]

Ah, I was gonna write in my journal but I decided to write something here instead. I don’t know if I’m really as “hurt” as I should be about things. I don’t know if I’m as offended as I should be. When I was thinking of about it just now, I didn’t really like this girl. Sure I found her attractive and maybe we had a good time together but did I like her? I wanted to see, but in the end it wasn’t meant to be. Mostly what it comes from is just visibility and consideration. I want to be considered. I’m so scared of being visible but I want someone to see me for something good. I kinda just hang around. I want to be missed. I’m not gonna give up but I think I’ve always been infatuated with this idea of great love and it has yet to come. And honestly sometimes I don’t feel like giving that sort of energy to someone. I don’t know if I truly have the urge to build with someone anymore. I’m sure it’s a sign that everywhere I “look” I can’t find it. I’m not sure I want to try for this anymore. In my head I can see all of my friends getting married one day. I went to a wedding and I was informed that they were lifetime partners. It hurt me to realize that I might never experience that. But there’s no need for a big love right now, I just need to focus on evolving, and that’s all. God will love me. End.

[thetreesandwinds]

Mmm, I was making breakfast and far away from my window when I saw two lovers pull up closseee to my curb. I was far away from my window when I saw two lovers, one man in a collar shirt and a woman in a dress make out sloppily in front of my window. They thought nobody was watching. They swore nobody was. I didn’t realize what they were doing because I was too far away. I wanted them to have their moment. But they looked like they were almost morphing into eachother. I was confused as to what it was. Eh. I walked into a generic drug store to pick up a prescription. And I saw someone who I went mini golfing with some time ago. They stopped talking to me, had I become invisible? I’m always always wondering if I leave a mark and if I’m wondered about. I wonder selfishly if I’m held in someone’s heart. I got ice cream, it was vanilla. They rung me up. It wasn’t anything. Is it ever really? What can you do…

[thetreesandwinds]

It’s not that there’s a lack of love in the world. You can recognize that it’s everywhere. It pervades everything. It’s earth’s gravity. It’s what people do anything for. After all, If it’s not for love what is it for? But you let go, you used to be an opportunist. You might’ve been way more social, you might have been way more open but things change and your fear is that people might not think about you past “that one person” you pass through places but life really isn’t about passing through it’s about staying it’s about staying for good. Some time you had a conversation with a stranger, you walked in the woods with a stranger. You did it for love. They told you that your heart is full, that you have so much potential and that you need to let go and give yourself some grace. That you’ll be fine. Why can’t you believe good things? Because of your past sins? You say, “Oh God I’ve suffered enough please reward me.” And “Oh God please let there be something on the other side of this.” But you swear it simply doesn’t work like that. You don’t do things for something in return. You don’t even do it for you. You just do it to be good. You’ve been told you’re good. But what about love? I’m not asking for much. But no, don’t be selfish. Give give give. Don’t receive. Give with no expectations. Let people use your body and your eyes. You hope that one day you’ll turn a corner and see somebody that’ll change your life. That’ll give you some grace and finally release the tension. But maybe not, so be okay. You’re not supposed to try. Because if you try the all knowing universe might see that you want it, you can’t want it. No, not anymore. Trying for love is bad. Bad bad bad. So just be okay. Because maybe everything else but love is for you. Love is for the lovers…

[pyritetears-deactivated20260218]

Eartha Kitt.

[thetreesandwinds]

Ehhhhh I didn’t necessarily want to write about this just yet because it’s not really “serious” in a sense but yea I’m talking to a girl. For the past two weeks. Which is longer than most other things have lasted in my life when it comes to romance recently. She’s giving me energy that I haven’t really felt in a minute. It’s kind of scary, because I can feel that she wants to get to know me. I have anxiety attached to this because something that I’m questioning is whether or not she views me how I view her. I see the potential of us being together. I think I might be able to feel comfortable with her. I like how she reciprocates. I really just wanted to spend more time with her. And I’ll see her in some time so I’m not really bothered by it. I don’t know I think she wants to see me, or that she likes me. Which is, for lack of a better term, surprising. I didn’t expect this to go anywhere, because it usually doesn’t. But she’s forward. I probably wouldn’t have done it, not as soon as she did. Anyways, this is a good thing. I’m excited. END. [12/9/25]

[lambchopzzzz]

[glowpart2]

Laura Henriksen

[angelicdewdrop]

[sugarxrolls]

⭐️ emimi’s existential tamagotchis ⋆ ݁. ˖ ✩ itsemimi 🍡

[achillesinhighheels]

[kosmogrl]

[thetreesandwinds]

Still in search for love. Unfortunately (?) idk why but I’ve been wanting to share something with somebody now for a good moment. I journal about this all the time. Also I’m waiting for something to shake, I want to make good art. I want to make great art. I don’t know how to yet though. Maybe I’m one step closer to where I need to be. Everytime I take pictures I’m one step closer. Nothing can stop this. Anyways, I’m still alive so this life doesn’t really feel like a punishment though there are a lot of different aspects of this chapter currently that I’m not really a humongous fan of. But mostly, I just want to share with somebody. That’s mostly it, sometimes I feel like I don’t have anything to give though. I feel like sometimes I’m not giving everything to myself. How do I give more? Who do I give to if anybody at all? How in the world do I make art that I lose my breath too and that doesn’t just look good? When will I be where my feet are at? It’s not gonna be as exciting as I think it is when I get a girlfriend. Maybe it doesn’t have to be. This feels like bad karma sometimes, and sometimes I’m afraid to admit that. Sometimes I feel like people can see the weight in my actions. Or maybe I’m being paid no mind at all, I wonder what’s worse. Lately I move through my day having a want to share something with somebody. I wonder if I’m going wrong anywhere. Or everywhere. I’m definitely thinking about love as otherworldly and fantastical. Is it not though? Does it not change brain chemistry? I think most of the time I want to do something important and have a positive effect on people. I’d like to leave a legacy, a lot of the time I feel like I’m not memorable, and I’d never say I can’t ever be. But I try and try. Obviously complaining about it can’t be any better but if I don’t write or speak it’d just be inside. I wouldn’t really want that. I wonder if I can share every single molecule of my being with my future lover. And have them not run away from me. That’d be pretty nice. Nobody has run, I just have a fear of being put away for the big “nothing” I have done. I’ve talked to a mass of women. I’ve approached a mass of women. This has led to a big “nothing” except for an aftertaste of regret in my mouth and a sadness that feels like mist for having ever opened it. There’s no romantic love in my life nor is there potential. A beautiful girl leads to a thought about this big nothing that has amassed over the last two years. I keep praying to God that someone will come along and prove me so wrong. Prove me wrong to the point that I’d think I was dumb for thinking love for me wouldn’t be a possibility. Dumb for thinking that I’d be an outsider, a voyeur. Able to be objective about these things because I barely know the intensity of what it means to hold someone’s hand. Or to touch a leg. That was too long ago. God I’ve thrown my towel in. Please. I hate begging. I hate feeling unwanted in multiple corners of my life. There’s a line from a movie I like. Something about waiting on a call, or a message, and the message never being what you fully wanted it to be. I’ve been waiting for a message. I’ve been waiting for a STORY. I’ve been waiting to start. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to find something meaningful in the mush. I think I’m pretty okay. I hate to think I’m mediocre. I’m too in my head. I care too much. Is that it? That I might be too emotional? Or too much of something and too little of the other? Sure I’m handsome but how do I get one person to talk to me. Like actively. To understand. How do I make art of this? It’s not like I’m so tired of meaningless sex and hookups. That’s not the issue. I’m just tired of nothing. I want something. I want all this to mean something. Actually. I don’t want to keep embarrassing myself. I don’t want to trade one thing for another. I don’t want to keep saying, “how are you” as if I care. I want to really really like someone. Like hard. I want it to mean something forever. I want it to be freedom. There’s nothing here though. There’s nothing going on.

Just an intense boredom. An intense need to make my escapism the escapism of someone else. That’s it. How do I begin to tell someone, “Hey, there’s either everything wrong with me or nothing wrong, and I’m just conflating.” Or, “I’m looking for a way to escape, but nothing too bad.” Or, “I’m scared of love, and I’d appreciate it if you taught me how to do so without judging me, because I constantly feel like an imposter.” So maybe the answer is I shouldn’t even hope to be with someone. I should forever be reserved to self preservation. And being the ultimate version of myself. But I know I can love, I know I can. I know I can be an amazing boyfriend. I can try. I’ll try hard. These are all just echoes though. Again, nothing happened and I can’t speak for the future. I just have to keep looking forward. This is from Brooklyn. I had my second group show. I love art I’m just trying to figure out how it can swallow me whole. And entirely. How it can completely pervade my thoughts. How I can work tirelessly. Give up on the things that I need to give up on. Let go. Anyways, that’s all. I’ll be fine. END. (12/1/25) [R.L.]

[achillesinhighheels]

[hellagross]

[thetreesandwinds]

Okay so, there’s a girl. And I didn’t really wanna tell somebody because it’s nothing yet. And most of the time it’s not really anything. I didn’t ask her for a number because I asked too many girls for their number and subsequently, it has led to nothing. And i don’t want to tell my friends about it and it leads to nothing, and also Im not really talking to my friends currently. Thats besides the point. The point is, she’s kinda floating around in my head. And me writing about her only means that it’s solidified. I also don’t don’t know if I can afford to have someone floating around in my head. I don’t know if I would’ve talked to her had she not spoken to me. I remember I did talk to her first, and I did wait to speak to her first. But I didn’t think it’d mean anything substantial. I’m not saying it’s substantial now but I didn’t think she’d talk to me. I’m not trying to make it deeper than it is though. Anyways, there’s no way for me to prove it but I think she waited on me yesterday, she might’ve just been standing out there for literally a million other reasons but the moment I walked out and said hi, she said hi back asked me a question and started walking with me. I did ask God for a sign about her some time ago. I’m also a little bit scared. But again I could be saying all this and by the end of the semester it’d be nothing more than mist, not water. I don’t know how to ask her for her number, and idk if I want to. Honestly the short one off conversations are good for me. I find myself fantasizing about her though. I’m trying to cut off the fantasy but it’s hard. All this is probably of no consequence though, but I also see that she makes the effort to talk to me when she sees me. So I should probably take a chance on her. And myself too. Is God trying to tell me that I’m ready again? I don’t really feel that way. I don’t feel tied off yet. Or round at the edges. Is that okay? I don’t want to think about the word “deserve”. I should probably just talk to this girl, and not think about all the other bullshit, and people that passed through me. I’m already writing about it. I just don’t want it to mean nothing. It seems like she was waiting on me though, and it makes me feel okay. I don’t know if this is going to be a real thing yet. I don’t want to get my hopes up but I also don’t want to block a potential blessing. It seems like there’s no right answer. I had an argument with myself about whether I’m ready or not. I keep telling myself to just leave it be. I know that if I don’t at least try to get to know her I’ll regret it. I’m prolly capable of so much. I can be a good partner. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Anyways, I’ll be fine. END.[10/22/25]