I Am I, I Am Me @theuninvitingone - Tumblr Blog

Pretty much a month after my last post and I'm feeling extremely depressed again. I always get mad at myself for feeling this way. It's never going to end. I feel like I'll never be fine or stable. Crying, being depressed, making dumb decisions, being ugly, unwanted, the black sheep. That will always be my life. I'm always going to relapse.

So it's been awhile!

4/19/19

I've been doing really well! New combination of medicine is helping! Haven't had a suicidal thought in a few weeks! (Prozac Lamictal Inderall Trazedone) Also learned that I have bipolar disorder along with the already known diagnosis of depression, anxiety, and ptsd. I got a tattoo of a semicolon behind my ear. Which I see everyday so that's been helping. I'm still so very much in love with my boyfriend. No drama at all! My parents are my parents and those relationships will always be rocky and triggering at time. We lost my puppy brother 2 years ago and it was devastating. I still miss him very much. Benny and Abby are still with me. Life is going good so far. I'm hoping it lasts.

#depression #anxiety #ptsd #bipolardisorder #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #afsp #suicide #suicidal #survival #mentalhealthadvocate #mentalillness

Everything.

Makes. Me. Depressed.

Alone

Here we go again! I literally just a few weeks ago had my meds altered. High doses to be exact. And I'm already feeling suicidal. I'm so upset when this happens. I always want to be better or atleast stable. What if one day the meds just stop working completely? What is left? How will it screw me up even more?

I feel so alone. I have no friends because I'm literally afraid of everyone. All people do is lie and judge and it's drama, I can't have it. I wish I had friends to go out with. Friends to get drinks with, to get coffee with, to go on adventures with. But everyone from my past has treated me like shit.

I'm probably better off alone and without friends in general. Maybe even better off dead. I'm a waste of life and fresh air. I'm not doing anything extraordinary either. I'm not making life my own or doing greater things.

Better off giving it to someone who deserves it. Or giving my life to someone who lost theirs and are important.

Feeling irritated and anxious af today. Feeling like I'm worthless and a bum. Officially feeling like I know where I stand with people. I'm nothing to most. I give myself to others and it's not enough. Not enough to be a priority to someone or to be anything. As much as I try to be a family oriented person, I'm truly alone.

"Do nothing"

I have 2 jobs and I'm doing the best I can. I don't call out, don't bitch and complain, and I work hard. But not adding another job to my list is me "doing nothing". I can only handle so much at a time! But I'm looked at as lazy for that.

Hearing that makes me feel useless. Like maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe I'm just still going to be poor no matter what task I take on. I guess I am lazy for not taking on more. I'm so stupid for not being able to handle everything that comes my way. I'm so fucking stupid.

Suicidal

Welcome back shitty thoughts, I didn't miss you. I'm sitting here silently crying and wiping away my tears so my boyfriend doesn't know. My cheeks hurt from the constant touch of my hands. I'm sad again. Wanting to be normal and not a fuck up. I ruined my own life and I feel shitty and don't see the point in being here. I'm poor, can't afford anything besides rent and bills. I miss my Benny every fucking day. I hate that suicide tends to be the first thing my mind jumps to. Again, are my meds not working anymore? Do they need adjusting? How much of this until nothing works anymore? Suicidal thoughts have literally been here since I was 12. (SINCE I WAS 12!) I can't remember much before then. Stupid shit, I wonder what normal me is doing now. I find more crazy dumb shit about myself each day. Heck, I might even be bipolar, I'm being monitored for it since I've been having manic episodes.

How much is enough?

#sadness #stress #suffering #suicidal #depression #depressed #antidepressants #anxiety #anxious #ptsd #posttraumaticstressdisorder #bipolar #bipolardisorder

4 years ago today

I found out my boyfriend of 5 years was cheating on me. We had broken up a few days ago and he had already jumped into a relationship with a girl he worked with. I found out that he was actually messing around with her while we were dating. He would always be "working late" and often never come home (worked 3rd shift). The day we broke up he had a hickie on his neck. I was devastated. We lived together and were planning our life together. The day I found out, I came home from work crying and spent days on end in bed and only left for work. That day, I put a belt around my neck and pulled just to see what it felt like. I wanted to die. I started drinking every chance I got. It was the downward spiral I never needed.

Rip to my old self. I'm beyond that now. Cheating is never ok. It truly does kill.

I feel like I'm just breathing and just existing against my own will. I'm not happy. Always severely on the edge of a full blown panic attack. I can't feel anything, but I feel a whole bunch at once?? Idk.

October can't come any faster. Being on a waiting list for psychiatric treatment is bullshit.