33

laid bare

[thewayoutisthrough1]

I loved you.

[thewayoutisthrough1]

I guess that hope shattered with each passing day.

Something else to work through.

But maybe not as bad as it could have been.

Who knows - certainly not me.

[thewayoutisthrough1]

It has been a year since I last posted. Maybe even closer to two.

Reading back, my directionless rants, my grief, my lovesick notes, they are all still and will always be a part of me. However, I also feel the growth within myself that has been pulled back in time this past week.

Oh, the things I have achieved.

I made it to 32. What a privilege to age is.

I have deep, meaningful relationships with my people. Family and friends.

I am blessed to be a pet owner to my old man cat and my office boy dog.

I am a homeowner. Fuck it if I'm not so incredibly proud of myself for pulling my shit together this year to get over the line.

My career is stable. I make good, good money.

I am safe. I am warm. I am fed. I am loved.

I have the space to plan, to forge ahead for a future - even if that feels limited at times.

My grief is not so big. She is friend for now, who reminds me of what I have lost, but to have loved to feel that loss - I am even lucky in that.

Life is going. Life is happening.

I think maybe I needed to remind myself that even with my darker thoughts, that I have come a long way to see the light too.

[thewayoutisthrough1]

I'm happy you found love with your partner again.

[thewayoutisthrough1]

Today I found out that you've moved away.

I won't lie, I felt a sense of relief at this news.

Relief that I no longer having an underlying fear I'll unexpectedly bump into you, in my city...

Relief that I can put what we had down and finally pick myself up.

I downplay how much of an impact you had on me - but in all honesty - it was a big one.

You taught me that I could exceed my expectations when it comes to who might find me attractive.

You taught me what red flags are. What red flags to not look pass. You taught me men like you are literal, walking red flags.

You taught me to carry my self worth differently. I wear my self worth more proudly than ever.

I may never get an apology. I will for sure never get a reason why or even the how... but I want to thank you for teaching me the lessons I needed to learn about myself.

I hope I taught you something. I hope letting me go hurt a little. I hope I slip into your thoughts occasionally. I hope I slip out of them just as quick. I hope you're trying to be a better person.

It's time to focus on me.

It's time I turn the page and read my next chapter.

[thewayoutisthrough1]

How dare you invade my dreams.

How dare you stand behind me, taking my hands in yours, threading them together, acknowledging the connection I know we shared. I felt. I loved you.

How dare you lead me through the chaos of a building filled with people, making me put down who I hold dare, telling me they'll be okay there until we collect them at the end. How dare you instill a trust in me that even my subconscious can't comprehend that you broke.

How dare you give me butterflies in a dream. How dare you share your warmth, your interest, your ability to say nothing and everything. How dare I even give you a second chance without having been apologised to.

How dare you walk into my state of rest knowing in the waking world I would feel the ghost of your palm, your chest, your being, and how easily I could fall back into it you if I had the chance.

How dare I romanticise a man who lied about who he was, his morales, and who could leave me in a puddle of hurt and anguish in an instant.

How dare I dream of you. How dare I still hurt for you. How dare I let you change me. How dare I still feel these things after so much time has passed. How dare a piece of me still thinks it loves you.

How dare I even loved you at all.

[thewayoutisthrough1]

August 24th wasn't as hard of a day as I expected. In fact, it was a reminder that family might be blood, but it is also a choice. A choice to love people biologically related to you, a choice to love those that aren't, and to decide a blood relation or two don't deserve to know your heart. I will remember the best parts of that day, and I will not dwell on the festering wound that I have no desire to be a part of.

The 21st of September marks 5 months since my wondeful nephew joined us Earthside. He is a blue-eyed Angel baby. He is gummy smiles, half-lidded eyes, and a light at the end of a tunnel. He is my sister's saving grace, her biggest challenge, and the absolute love of her life. He gives meaning, purpose, and wonder to a world that has been so bleak for so long, marking the midst of a pandemic, among personal challenges.

I'm still figuring myself out. Lately, I eat too much Mc Donald's. I crave a sense of independence and more change. I live perpetually in a state of existing to survive, all the while knowing these days are precious and fleeting.

30 is about setting personal foundations - but also living through the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I don't think I would change a thing.

[thewayoutisthrough1]

Weirdly, I'd say grief gets worse over time.

The shock wears off... and you're left with a deep, numb feeling that makes you want to fall to the ground and weep.

It makes you want to claw at an invisible viel, desperate to see a glimpse of your loved one. Desperate to know if they still exist, to find their energy, to truly be at peace knowing you'll see them again.

Grief is watching an old lady struggle down the road holding her elderly pass for the bus. It's knowing you would do anything to help, care for, and love your person again if they were still here. It's wondering where the old lady's person is and why they're not there.

It's your heart hurting and continuing with your day without shedding a tear.

Fuck, I miss her. It's getting worse. It will be worse in two months time. How have you been gone a whole 365 days? How does it feel like I blinked and yesterday turned into a full Earth revolution around the moon?

It's writing this on a cold, rainy winter's day and feeling the absolute wild ride of grief while walking down the street.

I love you.

I miss you.

God, I miss you.

[thewayoutisthrough1]

We have celebrated birthdays, Christmas, New Years, and even Easter since your passing.

But the impending Mother's Day for me personally, has hit me the hardest.

It's a scam of a day really - perhaps not so much as a day like Valentine's, but commercialised all the same.

My Nana, my Grandmother.

"Do I get you a card?" I thought, while staring at the stand. How is it, I still want to buy you something, wanting your approval, to see the delight cross your face? I realise now one of my joys in life was trying to make you happy. I suppose you felt the same way about me. Anyway, the urge to cry in that store, in that moment, was overwhelming.

I ordered flowers for mum. Thinking about you on the way home, the emotion of realising the closest to meeting the physical you, Elliot will ever get, is at your grave. I had to pull over and cry it out.

My heart broke a little when mum told me she still talks to you. When she told you to look at her newborn grandson. She only ever wanted your approval, your love, and for you to be proud. I know you were, I just hope one day she sees it herself.

I hope today and tomorrow isn't too hard for mum.

I hope today and tomorrow isn't too sad for me either.

I love you, I miss you always.

Your Kayla.

[thewayoutisthrough1]

You are in everything I do.

I miss you.

I love you.

I can't wait to see you again.

[thewayoutisthrough1]

I think I lied in my last post.

I think maybe I am depressed.

I am unhappy with who I am.

We received my sister's maternity photos back yesterday and I am deeply ashamed with how I look in them. If it wasn't obvious my sister was the pregnant one, you would almost think it was me.

I know what I need to do, to start this journey of mine.

So why am I holding myself back?

[thewayoutisthrough1]

My foundation has cracked underneath me. I feel the tilt of the world's axis, and gravity has put on weight.

Almost 7 months since your passing. I think about you everyday; sometimes as a fleeting thought, other times I stop myself and sit with the numb feeling and wonder at not feeling what I think I should, thought I would.

There are two images burned in my brain. Your face as the ambulance officers lifted you into the ambulance. The second, the sheen of makeup on your resting face in the casket. I remember the exact moment my heart broke, a piece falling off and landing somewhere in the abyss. My "oh Nana" so unrestrained and bursting from my lips. My regrets in those words, out loud for the world to hear.

I feel so lost within myself. My head, heart, body... I don't think it is entirely grief, but it sure has had its part to play. How do you know if you're dealing with grief in a healthy way or not? I guess the answer is different for everyone, much like the motions.

I am tired. I have little energy, but when I do, I try focus on the bare minimum of what I can get done. I am constantly bloated, my skin marked with poor food choices, the sugar passing through my physical self, and knocking years of life off as it does. I want to be so many things, but sometimes getting out of bed is the achievement of the day. I don't think I am depressed, I do not want to die, but my thirst for life feels out of reach and I'm just so, so tired.

If I could tell you anything, have one last conversation with you, it would be to remind you that I love you, I regret watching them take you and leaving so many things unsaid. I know you were gone when I last held your hand, but I know you know what that blanket that covered you meant to the both of us.

I should probably find comfort in knowing you are still around, but honestly one more day here is one more day closer to meeting your energy again.

I love you, I miss you, I will see you again, I hope you're at peace, safe, and know you will always remain an integral part of who I am.

Your bereaved grandaughter, xx

[thewayoutisthrough1]

Mornings like this I remember that going off the beaten track of my usual daily routine lands me in moments of beauty. 🌅❄

[thewayoutisthrough1]

Letting go of you

Each day that passes is one more day away from a reason to speak your name

Your face has lost animation and has been replaced by a faded smiling photo

The feeling of you in and around me is no longer a presence but a haunting

If I were to play a recording of your voice it would skip the soft parts and land only on the cracks

[thewayoutisthrough1]

You have broken my heart.

[thewayoutisthrough1]

Remember me when you watch the sun go down

And I will remember the way your hand felt threaded through mine

A drop of sadness with your name in the middle... in time you will dissolve and join the rest of the names I've let float away into the sky

[thewayoutisthrough1]

Her mind had warned her heart long ago.