poetry-beauty-love

[theweirdstateofmymind]

The way my journal is literally my best friend like damn I can't wait to go home and tell her about the shit tormenting me and the shit that keeps me going and every other thought that has ever occured to me

[theweirdstateofmymind]

the lack of "random" pictures in my photo album may be the reason I'm unable to appreciate life fully right now

[theweirdstateofmymind]

Nothing seems right.

Come back at 11 come back at 2 come back tomorrow.

That's administration for you. Come back later.

My clothes aren't dry and I'm going back home. For peace or to bestow peace, I'm not sure. My fees is due and I'm going back home.

All of this, all of this time and all of this money. All of THIS.

Late nights. Shame. Despair. Anxiety.

For what?

More late nights. More shame. More despair. More anxiety.

Why am I doing this? Make your parents proud. That's why you did this? Is it working?

Wasn't i peace loving? Didn't I want a slow life? No surprises?

What a way of life! No surprises, indeed.

Did you take that subscription? Did you read that textbook? Why'd you choose THAT? You should've done this instead. I should've done this instead.

I should've done literature instead.

Make my parents proud. What about me? And would they be proud of a sad little bitch of a daughter? Starving herself because she thinks she doesn't deserve food. Not after your little fuck up. No, go to sleep hungry. Victorian punishment.

It helps that my waist is smaller.

Im a bad feminist.

You can see my ribs, you can feel them. My clothes don't fit me anymore. I LOOK sick.

I am sick.

Would they be proud of this little cunt, chainsmoking in her balcony in nothing but a t shirt because the cold bites and it hurts and it's what she deserves.

Come back, more inconvenience awaits you. I won't.

Okay come back on Monday.

I will.

I keep going back to this fuckall degree that I don't even think I want anymore.

Im doing this because I'm stuck

Because what else will I do

What else am i supposed to do

She dropped out. Couldn't handle the pressure. You can fuck me sideways before anyone says that about me.

Im not gonna drop out

I want to but I won't

I won't disappoint my parents THAT much.

It used to help that my degree would mean something in the future. But will it really?

More than a decade of studying just to be beat up by a highschool dropout because I couldn't conjure up extra hospital beds

Will i even be payed

Will i even have a job

Will i like my job

What if I lose everything I stand for

And I'm only just beginning. Im already losing my mind

Im in a metro going home and puking the horrible murky thoughts in mind into the notes app and I have a genuine concern that the people next to me are looking over my shoulder and thinking quietly that I must be insane

A metro hopefully with people going to protest. People with slogans tucked in their bags. Students sneaking out without telling their parents. Because that'll be me.

Because I know how much it hurts. Because sometimes i think I'm bad. Because sometimes I think I don't deserve this seat either.

The least I can do is stand for them, for the future. The least I can do is try to create history and make the future. Im not doing much anyway.

I want to do so much more I want to make an impact but I'm scared I'm afraid I'm horrible.

It's not nice wondering which of my friends would oppose me which one of my friends would cheer as i among the protestors am beaten because of how we grew up

I understand it's not their fault. I don't hold them accountable I don't hold it against them but it still hurts doesn't it

I am more than that but I'm also that

It doesn't define me but it is a part of me

Deep down I know neither will accept me. I don't know if i accept myself. But I can't change it's too comfortable

What was that about inertia?

What about the few good things I have? What if I lose them? Loser in the way that I keep losing things that make me happy through my own fault only

How much am I making up? How much am i faking?

You need to have an opinion on everything, even on things you didn't even know were happening. What about this what about that.

Uninformed I can't even think of another word for uninformed.

I hate that look that look somewhere between pity surprise and superiority.

I want to be everything and I know that I can't be everything so Im paralysed and I end up doing nothing. Im struck by how ordinary I am.

The state of my mind is very much influenced by the state of my world and the state of the world

[theweirdstateofmymind]

It’s morning again. Something heavy on your chest. The cat is hungry. You’re hungry. Food is off-putting, though. Those beans from two nights ago were heavy and lead-like on your tongue. Brush your teeth. Read your book. The sun is blandly shining. Nurse the scratches. Class is stuffy. Did you feed the cat? The cat. Your book is heavy, these drugs seem unlikely to be real. Who named these? What’s wrong with your face? Did you have that breakfast? So good. No, yeah, delicious. Empty class, or maybe it isn’t. The noises are drowned out by other noises. That’s not good for your ears, you know? Not much of good in you, anyway. Legs feel like lead and air at the same time. Fresh fruit? Cat food. Lovely. Is it raining? Your shoes are muddy again. You used to be responsible. Smoke a cigarette. Clean your shoes? Lock the door. The sun is in your eyes. Feed the cat. Feed yourself? Read your book. It doesn’t seem to end. Wash your face? Are you there? What are you doing? A walk. A walk. A walk. You should try the fried rice. Okay. Feed the cat. Purring cat. Love the cat. Nurse the scratches. Shove it off. Pull it back. I’m sorry. Did you forget us? I’m sorry. What’s for dinner? You’re lying. You do that alot, don’t you? You lie. You smoke a cigarette. You lie. You lie. You still lie. Feed the cat. Nurse the scratches. Why weren’t you in class? Office. Work. What work? Is it worth it? She said that. I burnt it. A bad person? You never considered it. A bad person. Maybe you are. Bad. Hungry. A roll, maybe? A cigarette, perhaps. You should keep it. Burn it. Crop it. Delete it. Have you heard what she’s been saying? No. Delete it. Ignore it. Make it go away. Feed the cat. Class is stuffy. She’s angry. She should be dead. You should be dead. You did this. To us. To yourself. Nurse the scratches. You? I don’t. Why would I? What made you think? Nurse the scratches. How have you been? What’s for dinner? Lazy to walk back. Don’t worry, I had the tea. Too sweet. Too cold. Too sticky. The doctor. A doctor? The buses are fast, aren’t they? Is that makeup? Red. Feed the cat. You alright? When was your last meal? Oh I’ll eat tonight. Four mouthfuls. Deep breathing. He won’t pick up. Why would he? A bad person, remember? Bad person. Catch your breath, then lose it again as you take a drag. Feed the cat. Lovely. Isn’t she lovely? Do something. He’s perfect, have you seen him? If he didn’t. He won’t. You used to be responsible. Why won’t you? Read your book. Your book? The blue screen, the grey screen, the white screen. Red. Cat food. Lovely. The buses don’t stop, do they? Such a pretty house. Is it raining? What’re you doing? A walk? The terrace is cold. Your hands are cold. Your hands are cold. Are you shaking? No. What’s for dinner? No. A cigarette. Then another. Deep breaths. You used to be responsible. Will you come home? Hello. I gave birth to you. You lie. You lie again. You lie. You lie. They’re stained, you know? You’re welcome. You’re a bad person. Yeah, a bad person. Didn’t you burn it? It was mine to burn. You burnt it? It was mine to destroy. I was not hers to destroy. You did that? Why did you do that to her? She’s nice. You’re just a bad person. Nurse the scratches. No. Never. Get this right. Look at the way she talks to me. I don’t trust you. Feed the cat. You did what? What’s for dinner? Lead and cardboard.

You’re a bad person.

[theweirdstateofmymind]

I've been thinking deeply about what it truly means to read and I want to write about it but I don't have time and my thoughts are scattered and I'm afraid that I will finish it and I will understand what Victor Frankenstein felt

[annoyingobservationcrusade]

love letter to humanity. i refuse to let the cruelty of this world hollow my soul and snuff out all the love i have. this world is cruel, therefore i won't be. this world is cruel, but it doesn't have to be. there is love everywhere you look. there is love in the laughter you share with your friends, love in the stranger complimenting your hair, love in the palestinian children dancing together in their refugee camps, love in the communities full of people defending and protecting their neighbors from ice agents, love in the flotillas sailing to gaza in attempts to break the siege and end this calculated and intentional starvation, love in the freedom fighters defending their people against colonizing forces throughout the world, love in the people showing up to do jail support when their comrades are arrested at protests, love in the people in my downtown that give neighborhood discounts to me and other people they know work in the area. there is love in museums and art galleries and libraries, at community actions and on picket lines and in town halls. at a point in this song right before where the clip i added for this video starts, freddie mercury sings "why cant we give love that one more chance?" and thats one of the things im constantly turning over in my brain while walking through life. in a time where hatred has festered and overtaken so much of the world, love can be a radical and rebellious thing. love can become fuel, a weapon to be used in the fight for a better world.

[theweirdstateofmymind]

[theweirdstateofmymind]

The elevator

I'm exhausted, trying to rest my weight on the wall of the elevator as it opens begrudgingly on the ground floor. Two little girls run in with their nanny, babbling about who won and who didn't. One of them stumbled into me, her feet pressed onto mine, and I gently nudge her off, slightly annoyed.

The doors close and the lift begins its cumbersome journey upwards. The girls are giggling, showing eachother the stars their teacher gave them on their fists. Constellations covered their hands, stars of every color connecting to form shapes never before seen.

Their shirts are untucked and wrinkled, like how mine used to be everyday. Their shoes are scuffed and their socks rolled down to their ankles, like how mine used to be everyday.

I see who I used to be in those eyes of mischief and I miss her. I yearn for her, I want to tell her it's okay, and she'll be okay and that she can play more, and laugh more, and love more.

The girls get off before me, still giggling. I'm lonely and tired. The elevator carries me up.

[theweirdstateofmymind]

I'm overcome with nostalgia for a life that may or may not have been a dream.

[theweirdstateofmymind]

fill your soul with stars

[avatarofthearchives]

"The most scary part of TMA is the blanket episode- The most scary part of TMA is Jane Prentiss - The most scary part of TMA is the Not! Them creatures -"

Wrong! The most scary part of TMA when you're watching for the first time and realize far too deep in that you really should be have been trying to remember peoples names.

[theweirdstateofmymind]

Bro why they say "archivist" like a slur

[theweirdstateofmymind]

Read more poetry, listen to more jazz, look up more facts, stack books around you, try new recipes, put up pictures, create art, talk to loved ones, buy people flowers, write letters to everybody and nobody, watch old films, watch new films, watch biopics, take long walks, go on bike rides, get yourself sweet treats, stretch in the sun, take afternoon naps, embrace the long metro rides, go on late night car drives, dance with friends.

To live is the greatest adventure of them all.

[theweirdstateofmymind]

Very honest photo dump about how the month is going (i need a miracle to get me through these exams)

[radiumrascal]

so apparently it’s cool to wear your boyfriend’s clothes now?

but when i, patroclus-

[theweirdstateofmymind]

everyone gangster until you pull on your not so platonic friend's armor

[soft-lovely]

starry decorations

[radiumrascal]

i feel like a person again. i feel real as i taste the salt on my skin after a run. i feel the bitter winter current seeping through my bones. i feel the soft kiss of my quilt at every point it touches on my body as it embraces me in the cold, i see the cranberry and amber hues of the sunrise every morning as i wake to chase the sun, and i smell the fragrant aroma of the garlic cloves as they sizzle in olive oil in my pan while i cook dinner for my family. winter i love you.