Novel of a thought from todays episode of confusing the fuck out of my overthinking mind until I die.
When people say things that are meant to feel like comfort and reassurance, but for some reason your gut is telling you they don’t necessarily mean what they are saying by the slight tone of a full stop with no emoji to give me a sense of what you are truly meaning.
Or is it my anxiety?? Overthinking??
But when has my gut feeling ever let me down?? It’s been correct for so much shit that’s happened. How can I not listen to how my soul doesn’t feel right when you are reassuring me or when it feels like you are just putting up with me??
Fuck. You have your own battles you deal with to which I try to help you carry. You also have boundaries set and how you deal with someone like me or situations that don’t align with your spirit which is something I could learn from you.
Why the fuck is my mind like this??? I don’t know.
In the end my overthinking mind has been correct all along which makes it so much more harder to open up and allow someone to have more access to my deepest and hurtful scars that have me so traumatised.
I’ve explained this to you, I thought you would have had more understanding because you told me the same thing. It’s hard to open up and feeling like you are being a burden to others. Yet you haven’t spoken to me for a week now and it triggers me to a moment where you said someone once said to you it’s difficult being your friend which made me angry because I think you are fucking brilliant and easy to get along with! Now it feels like I am the friend that is difficult to be friends with.
I Wonder if yous talk behind my back like how we do about other people who mess with our clique/our friends when anyone of us are going through it and that person actually deserves to be dogged for being such an unpleasant being. I didn’t do anything so foul to feel as if yous do talk badly about me. All I did was shut off and distance myself again because of how I don’t do well with talking about myself and my feelings.
Fucking trauma. I’ve expressed how it has been such a big thing for me to open up. You’s accepted it and started to make it feel like It is ok! I can trust, again. But 25 years of pent up and pushed aside emotions with unhealed trauma can fuck you up so bad that those few precious moments of okayness to let you in seems like a far away dream. That’s not to say I don’t trust yous! It’s just hard to explain. It’s my fucking mind. It’s that classic line of it’s not you! ITS ME!!!
But I guess it does count if you haven’t spoken a single word to me since that night I shut you out again after the progress we had been making.
I’m sorry! So fucking sorry!
I can’t be mad at you. I could never be mad at you. No, because I also have an understanding how it’s difficult being by my side.
But it hurts. Hurts so much because after all the reassurance and words of support, your actions still speak more volumes. The tone of your words; more like the tone of your silence! Doesn’t sit right with my soul.
But I’m not mad. Just sad.
Because I would never do that to you guys.
I’ll still be here for yous because I take my promises seriously and could never go back on my word when I said I am here for life. And that’s from a place of pure intentions and having your best interests at heart. Sounds like I’m a push over. Sounds like it’s a toxic friendship. But its not.
It was just lack of communication!!!!!
Maybe I was only meant to be in your lives for a season. To give you a feel of what unconditional love and patience is. To be the giver, but never the receiver. So when you have other people who show you the opposite of what that feels like, you’ll at least get a sense of nostalgia whenever you wonder about the friend who always gave and never asked for anything in return.
But maybe my anxiety and overthinking is just getting way more out of hand and I’m just needing to see it from your perspective just a bit more. Like I said, I get it. I fucking get it.
I also realise I can’t keep going on like this. Suppressing the five year old girl who is silently screaming at me to finally recognise that she needs to be heard! That I’m doing exactly the same thing that everyone else has been doing to her; Ignored. I guess I need to fight my mind more harder to gain control. Because all it feels like I’m doing is destroying everything around me.
My mind just doesn’t know what the fuck it wants. I just can’t win.
If I’m meant to suffer and be alone, then that’s ok. I’d rather it be me any day than any one of you because
My mind is my biggest enemy.
I know you care x I appreciate you guys x I know it’s going to take time (despite the brutal overthinking and anxiety it’s giving me) for things to settle down. I apologise for everything I’ve done x
But this is a battle that I need to fight on my own for a little while. When it gets better I’ll let you know!
So that the next time I finally hear from you, I’ll be in a place where it won’t hurt as much - if you decide to say goodbye for good.
kianamaiart
stormborns
turnnoffyourmind
titsay
origamiaround
izzy806
kaledo-art
blakekathryn
