so basically i decided to stop wasting my life with my ed.
(i'm french so english is not my first language that's why u can find awkward grammar and spelling mistakes :) )
i’m trying to recover step by step. i tried a lot of things but obv it wasn’t real solutions, all i did was to relapsed and convincing myself that starving was a good thing and food is a problem. i want to eat to live not live to eat. i like cooking though but i want to stop spending my whole day thinking about my next meal or next workout.
i want to go out with people without stressing about the fact that we’re gonna order food and that i wouldn’t know the exact calories in it. i want to spend a day doing nothing but still eating the same amount of calories i did during days i had a workout. i want to make plans for my future, not a future around food or the way my body looks. a real future about my goals and ambitions. i want to become someone for myself first and then for others. and all of this is possible only if i trust my body. and i want to trust it.
i will still try to lose weight but more in an intuitive kind of way. no restrictions. no calories counting. no over exercising. no “fast day” aka starving day. i know since the day i got my ed that the habits i built weren’t sustainable. i lost weight, but i regained all the weight and even more because when i wanted to start living a real life i couldn’t. because i had no energy. no real goals over the fact i “want to be skinny”.
i know how it feels to be skinny. i weighed 42kg (92 pounds) for 168cm (5’6) . i could wear any clothes. fit in size 0 jeans with a belt. but besides that i wasn’t happy. my hair were fucking damaged. i fucked up my knees (bc i used to run and lifted weights). i lost my period -i was happy at first but it just cause a major hormonal imbalance in my body-. my acne got worse too. i was always tired -trying to function properly on caffeine u know-. i cancelled so many plans with my friends bc “i wouldn’t be able to workout if i met them that day, and i would have to eat more than i’m supposed to”. i love sports since i’m a kid and even though i was working out every day i didn’t get stronger bc i didn’t ate enough. i was just burning fat, muscles and probably more. but at least i could control something. i didn’t get more friends though. i didn’t travel like i thought i would do because u know, i thought that if i lost weight i can “do anything”. i didn’t spend more time with the people i loved. i didn’t had “more time for my hobbies”. it was nothing like i expected except the fact that you could see my bones. all my life was controlled and plan around “food and burning calories”. and i know we are all different but i’m sure a lot of people will recognize themselves in it.
i’m posting this because maybe someone will found it and realized that starving and over exercising and any others unhealthy way to lose weight is useless. it will never makes you happy. never ever. because we are human beings and we need to eat. we live in a society where body image put a lot of pressure on people (especially women) but it’s the same society where hanging out and eating with friends makes us feel better and create memories. food is not dangerous and it's everywhere and i believe that everything in life is about finding a balance.
also. maybe my body is not made to have a thigh gap, but he’s made to have strong thighs because i’m someone who love walking and hiking and swimming and running and discover the world. he’s also not made to have sharp collarbones but he’s made to have really strong shoulders bc i’ve been swimming since i’m 6yo and i’m really grateful for it. if a part of our body can’t be like we wish it would even after STARVING and killing ourselves it’s for a reason !
anyway, and then after 9 months of “fake happiness” thinking that being skinny would make me feel better, i took all the weight back (and more :) ) .
my relationship with my parents especially my father was never good. i don’t wanna go deeper into the matter (that's for another story) but to be short, just imagine the worst things in a human being : that’s my father. i’m almost 22 and i finally cut ties with him and i’m living by myself FOR myself. why i’m saying that? because i think that’s when everything change for me that i choose to truly recover. and the environment you are in is really really REALLY important. you can’t grow up mentally and physically if you are surrounded and controlled by toxic people. - life’s not easy, i’m trying to found a proper job because i can’t depend on my parents anymore for the money (actually my father did everything for me to depend on him financially so i could never live by myself, but i have friends who are housing (?) me and i could never be enough grateful for it.)
i’m someone who hates to depend on others but sometimes you have to put your ego down to become the person you truly want to be. and i know it’s a temporary situation.
anyway back on the topic! since i’m far from those toxic people i decided to recover. i post an update about my weightloss yesterday and yes i did lost weight since i’m in this new place (understand : healthier environment). like i said some of my unhealthy thoughts and habits goes back to the surface sometimes but it's a part of the process. that's why i'm gonna run another blog about recovery.
i'm gonna keep this one though. it's my last post and i won't reblog anything else. the reason i'm not deleting it is because i wan't people to see that i've been there too. i reblogged and posted unhealthy things. i had unhealthy goals and got inspired by things that are not me and could never be me. but it's okay because you can't fix a problem if you don't aknowledge it.
ily <3
