TIME BOMB

things I didn't say...

[thingsididnt-say]

It's funny what I was actually afraid of.

I had semester exams coming up. I was worried about my future, placements, ending up unemployed, and every other problem a college student could possibly invent at 2 a.m.

Yet somehow, the thing that scared me the most was seeing him.

A whole day in the same hall, and we barely acknowledged each other. We were close enough to say hi, but somehow that felt harder than the exam itself.

It's honestly impressive when I think about it.

Out of all the things that could ruin my peace, it was a quiet guy who wasn't even talking to me.

Life was testing me on the wrong syllabus.....

[thingsididnt-say]

Looking back, I kept telling myself that nothing had really happened between us.

Nothing started, so nothing ended.

Then why did it feel like I had lost something?

I remember seeing him one day. We were close enough to say hi. Neither of us did.

It's strange how someone can become such a familiar part of your thoughts, only to feel like a stranger standing right in front of you. At the time, I just wanted whatever it was to be over....

[thingsididnt-say]

I don't know whether it was true or not, but I remember being upset. Not because he spoke to some other girl. The fact that I felt the need to say that probably says enough.

The truth was that he wasn't speaking to me.

We never talked much, but somehow, I couldn't lose interest. I'd forget about him when I was with my friends, but the moment I was alone, I'd find myself checking my phone for a message that was never there.

I remember him telling me that I was the first girl he spoke to after joining college. I don't know if it was true. But I remember how happy it made me feel.

I wasn't angry.

I was just lost....

[thingsididnt-say]

How God felt after placing the exact person I wanted in my path, just so I could learn the difference between loving someone and having them! Cuss ass me thinking of it as destiny....

[thingsididnt-say]

Somewhere along the way, he started appearing in my dreams too. In one of them, he had taken a picture of me when I wasn't looking. I remember asking if I should come over, but he told me to stay where I was. Only later did I realize why. He didn't want me to find out about the photo.

Funny how even my dreams found new ways to make me wonder....

[thingsididnt-say]

I realized, I've been loving a person who needs to be loved. Not someone who can love me back! The worst part is he doesn't even know that i love him...

[thingsididnt-say]

Saw him again. Just his back, walking away like usual. I was already irritated after a bad test, everything felt messy in my head, but then I saw him while getting tea at the cafeteria. For a second, everything else just went quiet.

Funny thing… I used to want things too much, think about them all the time, and they only seemed to happen later, when I had already stopped waiting for them....

[thingsididnt-say]

The feminine urge to never let him know how you truly feel....

[thingsididnt-say]

The funniest part was, every time i actually saw him, i completely forgot how to act normal. I remember seeing him properly one day after weeks of only catching glimpses from far away, and suddenly my hands started sweating like crazy. All that confidence disappeared immediately.

Later that night, he even showed up in my dream. i still remember the reflection on his glasses in the dark more clearly than the actual conversation we had there. Shit man, tough love...

[thingsididnt-say]

Back then, the smallest things used to make my entire day. I remember typing a random song lyric once, and he continued it immediately. for some reason, i genuinely couldn’t stop smiling after that.

Even our spotify blend had gone from 95 to 97, and i somehow treated that like life-changing information.

Around that time, i also started thinking maybe i should just tell him someday, because keeping everything inside my head was getting exhausting....

[wordsofabrokenbutmysticalfaerie]

I'm soo messed up in the head right now.....

......I SHOULD NOT HAVE TALKED TO THAT MF!

Why do I feel the incorrigible need to make sure he's alright and safe?

[eymurn]

Oh! The intimacy of adopting each other’s vocabulary.

[thingsididnt-say]

Around valentine’s day, a year ago, i remember just waiting for a message from him. A wish. that’s all i wanted. like the one he sent before for new year.

But nothing came. Even after that, the pattern stayed the same. Sometimes he replied, sometimes he didn’t. And i kept going back anyway, even when it started disappointing me every time....

[thingsididnt-say]

Hadn’t even spoken to him properly in real life, yet he was still the first thing on my mind every morning. That day, he texted me saying he saw me pass by his class. At least he noticed me for once.

Later, while coding, i 'accidentally' typed his name instead of a symbol.

I think that was the moment i realized how fucked i already was....

[thingsididnt-say]

And honestly, sometimes i wished i never met him at all. Because what the fuck was i even supposed to do now?

leave? stay? keep pretending i’m fine? wait for these feelings to disappear on their own?

I didn’t know. I just wanted my mind back....

[thingsididnt-say]

I think that’s when i realized this wasn’t harmless anymore. Small things started affecting me more than they should have.

Areaction. Anote. Adry reply. Silence.

And somehow, one person who barely knew any of this, had the ability to completely change my mood without even trying....

[codsofish]