?¿

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

my dad said to me tonight that i probably disappoint my mum. u think i don’t know i’m a fuck up if a daughter?? i don’t care that i disappoint her but i’m not an idiot because i know what i’m doing but i can’t stop

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

immense sadness

i got back from schoolies today and i already want to go back. i love the feeling of being near the beach and i just instantly feel unhappy (don’t know why but i’ll take any ounce of happiness i can get) and being home with mum just makes me mad and sad. although i’ve never attempted to be positive in the last four years so maybe i should do something about that even tho i don’t care about my health

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

you know when u love a friend so much like woukd do anything for you, but they don't really care about you sometimes?? because i hate that but i'm also that friend and i don't know how to be a better friend

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

i kinda wish i cared enough about myself to get better but truth is i'm not sick anymore and i've lost self control and i don't have time for that bullshit

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

FOOD MAKES ME FEEL REMORSEFUL BUT I CANT STOP FUCKING EATING AND ITS MAKING ME DEPRESSED

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

wow you've fucking outdone yourself kayla.

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

fuck.

everyday i wake up and immediately plan what i'm gonna eat/drink if any without second thought. i compromise my plan because i think ill be fine when i know i will gain weight from that sacrifice. i beat myself up for it for the entire day. every. day. and i still don't fucking learn that i need to stop eating so much shit and that ill be fine on 400 calories a day because i've done it before. fuck how can a person be bad at having an eating disorder ill never know. fuck.

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

affection

all i want right now is someone i can call mine. someone i can hold and kiss and muck around with because i want to feel something other than misery.

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

mum told me to not over do it when i said i was gonna walk on the treadmill at 10pm and then rolled her eyes when she saw i was having a protein bar sorry i'm shit at life and fat and need to lose weight

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

i wake up and i think about the food i'm not gonna eat. then i get home and think about dinner because i know i have to eat it. then i run hard until i feel like i'm going to throw up. then i scoff my dinner but i always eat after no matter how strong the thoughts are. why oh why am i so weak?

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

literally why does my mum look at me like i'm fucking crazy when i've done NOTHING i'm sick of it

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

i just did 700 crunches and 800 star jumps and i feel fatter than i did before

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

i wish i could get back the control i did have last year. or was it the year before? idk but i'm going to make an instagram again so i can fucking lose weight bc i'm in a plateau and i want to fucking punch myself in the face bc i'm fat and need this fat OFF ME!!! AsaP

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

can i fucken stop eating shit at night i need to be skinny i keep jeopardising myself i want to die

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

'drinking during the week is frowned upon' u think i don't fucking know that i just hate myself a lot that's it

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

i ate too much today and i can't remember the last time i didn't work out in the last two months but i'm at 50kgs i'm so happy it's been a while

[thinkin9allowed-blog]

I'm scared for schoolies because i know i will have panic attacks about food and i don't want people asking why I'm not eating fuckkk