Andre JL

What you gotta say?

[thinkingoutloud9]

Her -

I got to know you, it was quite interesting to match with you. I mean, I wanted so many things that you had, but I also had that stupid idea that I wanted something else.

Time passed and I messed up, many times I did. Didn't though of what I was doing, couldn't imagine how much I was hurting you...

And so I did again... Messed up many times, hurt you many times. Despite I tried not to get there I end up doing the same. So we broke up.

We attempted to make things up, I wanted to make things happen so there I was, trying to change. But you hurt me... I was attempting and you hurt me, so I through it all, I was mad, I wanted nothing. I was so fucking raw...

Some time passed and I started to miss you... Wanted nothing cuz of what happened but I wanted you back. So there I was lucky, and we had a moment, it just happen, so I was able to feel you again, so I wanted to be with you again...

I started thinking about what could happen, how could we make it happen and if it was worth it. There was a year behind that, despite it had a lot of amazing moments, that you made me feel good and worth it, that you cared and was there for me when I needed. Those kisses and lovely moments at your side.... There was me, and asshole, a lot of damage and madness.

But she was there, she was amazing again, so we tried...

And fuck, it was good , but lasted nothing and we broke.

I was definitely into not going into that train again, I was completely tired and deeply I knew, I was not what I though I could be and something had to happen.

...

...

And I started to miss you...

To care...

I have to admit I went back to our pictures and smiled

I started to notice what you were, what we had and how I missed that.

I was completely sure that you Didn't want to know about me, or ever talk to me again, I just wanted to know you were doing good, that yiu were safe.

And something changed, inside me... Something changed that made me realize how much I lovnsjajdhsj you.

We started dating again, we started to share each other in a whole new way.

I had fun, I was loved, I had someone to talk, someone to trust, I had everything I had you.

And could've anything more than that.

Why?

She is funny, much more than she knows. When laughs the whole rooms stares at her. Oh and she has those amazing eyes, I could watch them all day long. Cuz they are deep, and let you see a world for both. And then is your hair, so long and soft, so beautiful in color... I don't want her to cut it...

I feel at home when she hugs me, her height is perfect for me and her arms fit me so well.

Her forehead makes me smile, just because, and she hates when I touch it.

And dont make me talk about her lips, let just say they are storm inside your soul. Everytime I kissed them is like a lightning bolt in my mind traveling like thunderbolt to my heart.

There she is, so dedicated, so smart. How she takes care of me. How she uses her make up, and dresses when we go out. There she is, in front of me, being just her, and just her is all I want.

Gotta say she is algo jealous, waaay jealous, and I love it, how she protects me, how she turns her face when being jealous.

How you can see her smile and happy to then turn mad in 1 second, and appreciate it all like a full. Cuz they complement each other.

And yes, she can be crazy, but is my crazy little girl.

There is a whole story that is about to start... I want her, I do... I want to end that word... I LOV... YOU

[thinkingoutloud9]

I can't

Because is new, at least with you, is not easy, it might be cheesy, all of this experience, my attitude towards they way you look at me and smile, how you drop your pride upon me.

Cuz at the end of the day you like me, you think about me and "me" feels better with you. Is weird, is new, is easy but hard to feel.

Therefore I regret to speak, to share and show, not because I can't, maybe because I don't want to or don't end to feel it yet. Don't know yet, don't know how or when. But one thing is true, something has changed since yesterday, and I feel it will change tomorrow.

[thinkingoutloud9]

Cuz I could keep on writing about you, I could make stories and poetry. But you'll never learn to read.

[thinkingoutloud9]

You don't

Knowing you don't care anymore helps me think less bout you. It makes me week sometimes but I've got to survive. Feeling you far away from me only makes me wanna get back to you. Cuz I still care, somehow I still think about you. I know there is no future for us or even an us anymore. I know you don't care, you don't think on me, you don't miss me or even wanna fake you do.

So there is nothing left to say now. Is not that I don't have millions of thoughts breaking my head and soul apart, it doesn't mean I don't love you. Is not what you think cuz you don't even think about this or me. Is just that words are helpless to me, to this broken heart, words can only make it mayor and honestly I need to let it go.

Goodbye...

[thinkingoutloud9]

Solo digo...

Entonces esta bien, no? Buscar sólamente algo físico. Involucrarse de forma física y obtener lo que uno quiere. Que acaso eso esta mal?

Quien dijo que toda relación tiene que ser amorosa, y que van acompañadas de cartas regalos y mensajes cada minuto.

Porque me gusta esto, talvez no dure pero lo disfrutaré. Entonces estoy bien, algo fisico, carnal que me satisface...

Quien dijo que asi debe ser o no, asi que esto es como abrir una bolsa de golosinas en medio de una silenciosa asamblea. Todos te verán indignados y acusandote, pero por dentro todos quieren un poco de lo que tu tienes...

[thinkingoutloud9]

…

Ya te olvide, ya no pienso más en ti. Ya no extraño los momentos, risas y discusiones. Y claro que ya no pienso más en tus besos.

Porque ya no recuerdo nada sobre nuestro primer beso, como lentamente empezamos tomandonos las manos. Con miedo e inseguridad nos empezamos a acercar.

No recuerdo el sentimiento ni la desesperación. Esa noche de septiembre ya se fue de mi, no recuerdo la fecha tu ropa ni el lugar.

Cómo lentamente empecé besando tu frente y nariz, como quería deseperadamente acerceme a tu boca. Cómo podria recordar todo eso.

Porque no recuerdo ese primero beso que se convirtió en miles y quise fueran millones. No recuerdo como nos coordinamos perfectamente y no queríamos parar. Como podria recordar cómo mordias mis labios, me hablabas entre besos e incitabas a seguir.

No tengo ningun recuerdo de esa noche, de tu prefecto pelo y rojos labios. De la forma en la que me decías - “El último” - me mirabas a los ojos y me besabas sin parar.

De todo lo que sentí, de mis ojos cerrandoce y mi cuerpo tomando el control. No tengo ningún recuerdo de lo que hicieron mis manos y las tuyas.

Asi tambien las marcas en mi cuello ya no están, no las recuerdo. Ya no llevo nada tuyo en este cuerpo, ya no me acuerdo de ti.

No recuerdo esos besos y la picardia en tu sonrisa cada vez que me alejaba y fingía que había sido suficiente y tu simplemente mordias mi labio inferior trayendome de vuelta hacia ti.

Porque no recuerdo todas la veces que simplemente me mirabas y sabia que querías besarme tanto como yo a ti.

No…

Porque ya no recuerdo tus besos, ya no te recuerdo a ti. Ya no quiero besarte, escribirte o siquiera pensarte.

Simplemente ya no es parte de mi esa sonrisa, yo no son mios esos versos. Porque ya no te recuerdo, ya no vive en mi tu dulce voz.

El primer dia que hablamos, nuestra primera cita, el primer abrazo. Todo ya esta afuera de mi. Los regalos, cartas. Poemas y canciones que hice para ti.

La primera película que vimos juntos y todos los libros que lei por ti. Aquellas veces que me escabullia a tu casa solo para verte un minuto.

Ya no se cual es tu color favorito. Como cantabas tan bien y ocultabas que amabas bailar. Ya no se que helado prefieres o cual es la canción que no puedes dejar de escuchar. Ya no veo tus dibujos o leo tus historias.

Ya no eres parte de mi…

Esos ojos tan grandes que no podía dejar de ver, tu altura perfecta que encajaba con la mia. Esa nariz que nunca me gustó pero llegue a extrañar. Y que hablar de tus labios, grandes, carnosos y tan perfectos.

Tu color de piel, tu pelo largo y oscuro. Todo convinava con tu alma, tan inteligente, sabia, madura e inmadura. Fuerte y con carácter. La misma que explotaba con lo mas mínimo y también se guardaba el más grande dolor.

La niña que me contaba todo de su dia, que me escuchaba con toda su atención. La misma que se sonrojada y cubría su cara cada vez que le decia lo hermosa que era. Con sus manos en las mangas, ocultando su belleza.

Como podria recordar que era un ángel en todo momento y sin embargo era tan sexy y provocativa. Jugaba conmigo con tanta pasión y un poco de lujuria. Era 99% angel.

No recuerdo todo lo que vivimos, no como para escribirte otro poema o dedicarte una canción.

No recuerdo todo el daño que nos hicimos, las mentiras en la cara, las promesas incumplidas y la desesperación de no tener nada para seguir con vida.

Y jamas recordaré nuestro adios, porque no lo guardo mas en mi. No guardo su llanto y palabras quebradizas.

No guardo mi dolor e impotencia de ese dia. No recuerdo esa tarde tan fría como tus palabras en la que supe que ya no me querias.

Como podria recordar todo eso… Tan solo eras el amor de mi vida.

[thinkingoutloud9]

That night

I still remember that night when we went to that new restaurant everybody was talking about - I decided to wear a navy blazer and the new shirt you bought for me -

We were talking about your day and mine like a married couple, like those who last forever. And I start talking about a movie, so exited you just stared at me and listen - you decided to use a simple black dress and the neckless you had on our first date -

We took dinner, bit too much wine and end up with the sweetest dessert you could find and a cup of coffee - 10:18 and we asked for the bill -

“Lets walk home’ you said. - Like we weren’t 10 miles away - So I took your hand, smile and start walking at your side.

While we walked in the cold night we start telling jokes and laughing about the silliest and dumb things.

All of a sudden we were at the top of the tallest building we found, you got to the terrace with no fear. - We start smoking at the roof top so calmed. At 11:52 we were just staring at each other with the city landscape backwards.

"That hair, that smile. Those big eyes and sexy lips. The way you look on that dress has overtaken my thoughts. The way it calls me to dance and drags me blinded.

I tried not to call you beautiful, I swear I tried. But I can’t erase the way you look on that dress.

Just a simple black dress”

12:31 and we got home. I meant your home. I said good night, kissed your forehead and start walking away. I felt you were watching me, I felt you had suck a ironic face that I turn around and laugh.

“Do you wanna come over’ you said, and like a kid I hide my silly smile and followed you up stairs.

I wasn’t sleepy at all, we kept talking and with no notice the sun started blurring our eyes. 5:48 -

"I am going home, see you soon beautiful’ - you just kissed me on the cheek and falled asleep. -With a smile on my face and my mind lost in her I got home, 6:39.

I opened the door and my phone ringed, -"I love you” - you said.

Saddly I waked up and never get to say I felt the same…

[thinkingoutloud9]

Plan B…

I guess plan A never actually works, at least not as you expected.

Isn’t plan B a lazy perfectionist or plan C a dumb artist?

Can tell which plan will work for me, or if there is one.

But for you honey, I’ll try all the way to Z, numbers and figures, scratches and all kind excuses, just to get to you.

Cause my actual plan has always been you…

[thinkingoutloud9]

Ups...

No quise abrazarte o tocarte aquella vez. No intente acercarme a ti y tomar tu mano. Jamas quise rozar mis labios con los tuyos...

No hablo de ti, extraña que me hace sentir bien un par de horas al dia...

Hablo de ti amor, que aunque estés lejos y fuera de mi vida. Eres.

Aun recuerdo que nunca quise ser tu amigo.Y aun asi fue lo mejor que he vivido...

[thinkingoutloud9]

...

Couse I could write about you every single day. Still I'll forget your lips on mine everyday.

[thinkingoutloud9]

Just...

I just wanna know you. What are your dreams and thoughts. What makes you happy and creates that smile. What makes you cry and blurred you eyes.

I just wanna be there for you and know you'll be there for me.

Should I give my all and follow you into the dark?

[thinkingoutloud9]

Closer?

Am I closer to you now, sometimes I think that I am dreaming.

And not like living a dream. Is more like I don't know if this will lead me somewhere or if actually something will happen.

At the end I don't fucking care. It's me. I bet it can hurt, it will be hard, even harder in my mind. However you never actually get to know someone, like totally.

So am I closer? It can be one percent but I am. And if this is just a dream and am making it more in my mind. I don't fucking care.

Is something I like. Not being hurt or to suffer but the path to the storm is always interesting. Something new everytime. And I do not want to believe this will hurt because that is not what you think when you are getting closer.

In that stage is everything so interesting and sexy. Like watching yourself in a living mirror. Not even you know what you will do if.

If she say yes, if you get a second date. What if you get to kiss her. What if.

It becomes a nightmare to be apart. But is a dream to say hi and smile.

Closer?

Lets say I am not. Lets say she is just a good person. But what if not. What if overthinking is actually just thinking for me.

Hate the "What if". Or not? What if everything is good at the end. What if she kisses you closing her eyes and whispering "what if we kiss all night". Like not being sexual. Like feeling. Like words aren't enough so you gotta keep moving till her eyes are the only reason you wanna see the world again.

Like I am loosing touch and nothing makes sense today. Or actually never.

Cant write straight on my mind. Because it is not here now, it might be with you and am here thinking about me.

So fuck it. Just wanna say "Hi, how are you tonight?" and see you smile.

...

[thinkingoutloud9]

Finally?

I think that finally the day I saw so far from me has come.

I don't say it because I want you to know or want to take me into this matter again. It is actually a personal thing.

I use to believe I was never going to get through you as soft as am doing now, as I have done now.

But it seems like in the end it's actually all on each ones mind and perspective.

Like you, so interesting and deep to me. Like you were once. Like you are now. So far I wanna reach you everytime.

Like the oldest memory I have from you. Is just about the memories I want to make with you.

And is not like you made me go through you or that you are no longer you, however I do not have to explain it to you, why I like you.

Is like taking place on the same timeframe and it may be related some way. You are not you.

Can't say that I want you because you make me go outside you. And the only thing that relates you with you is me and this akward sum of words trying to get you off my mind. You, not you.

And yes I am talking about you.

[thinkingoutloud9]

Her...

At the end she is... Is so, she is.

A story that I want to learn, but to create not to keep.

[thinkingoutloud9]

Stay

If I gotta stay without you I rather not stay...

[thinkingoutloud9]

Why?

There is always something more, like today. You. Something different and new but that makes me feel so comfortable and far away me at the same time, furthermore all.

Then I ask my self why, why am I attached to feel everything so deep.

But at the end there is no answer. If I can feel you it doesn't matter what it lead me to, I guess...

[thinkingoutloud9]

Le Livre

Mmm… Qué raro este sentimiento. Es algo que nunca había sentido. Me siento vacío. Algo me hace falta. Es como si una parte de mí se hubiera ido junto con ella. Esa mañana de noviembre cuando me decidí por leer el libro, supe que lo que fuera que se encontrara en su interior jamás saldría de mi cabeza. Lo que sea que mi amada hubiera puesto en ese libro, perduraría en mi cabeza.

Los trazos y dibujos eran vagos. Con poco sentido. Tenía tinta de distintos colores. Como si lo hubiera escrito en distintos días y en diferentes estados de conciencia. De inmediato supe que estas eran sus últimas palabras. Que no volvería a saber de ella. De esta HERMOSA mujer que tanto me hizo feliz como me hizo llorar. De esta persona que además de ser mi amante era mi mejor amiga.

Estaba delirando. Por momento me amaba en otros no me reconocía. Sabía todo de ella, pero nunca dejó de sorprenderme. Nunca dejo de asombrarme con su inteligencia, con su belleza y destreza para meterse en mi cabeza.

Termine de leer el libro e instantáneamente llore. No pude contenerme, no eran solo palabras, era su corazón y su cabeza, envueltos en papel y una pasta gruesa. Se tomó el tiempo hasta de dividirlo en capítulos. Empezó cuando nos conocimos. Conto toda nuestra historia. Y por último puso una nota, en la última hoja. “TE AMO. Y aunque falle mi memoria no olvido nuestra historia”