Free.
That's how I feel this weekend. Free.
There's no weight of expectation. No good brain/bad brain battle. No worrying about letting down myself or anyone else.
After all, how can there be? I've barely touched a sword in the last few months. I can't expect anything. All I can do is try to stay on my feet. On my toes.
So I just fence.
And I am free.
*******
I love competition, but there is a point where it becomes too much.
2018 starts well enough, but quickly I am overwhelmed. Matches I should have won but I didn't, techniques I should have pulled off but couldn't, moments I wish I had that escaped me.
In September and October I have four events in six weeks (and a fifth I am running). In six longsword tournaments, I manage to win two fights - out of around thirty. I feel slow and lethargic, like I have lost everything I've learned.
The emotions, the thoughts of inadequacy, pile onward and upward. My sword breaks at IGX and it seems a perfect metaphor for my emotional state. I make it through Krump Pow in the next week, but only barely. I mention to a few, I don't know if i can keep doing this.
When I come home, I put my SportTube with all of my longsword gear neatly under my heater.
It stays there, untouched, for the next three months.
******
Later on, after my fighting is done, I am talking to Sara when she says to me -
- "You have good footwork. You always kept moving."
I try to explain to her that this doesn't make any sense; after all I am not exactly known for good footwork, and you aren't supposed to suddenly improve after going three months without training.
"Maybe you just managed to turn your brain off," she says.
*******
Had I not committed to going to SoCal 2019 over the summer, I doubt I would have gone after last fall. But I am a firm believer that commitments once made should be seen through.
After all, I tell myself, I'm going because I want to see friends and go somewhere warm in February. The swords are just a nice bonus.
******
SoCal has a cutting qualifier for Open Steel. When I was here in 2015, I didn't manage a single cut. The last time I tried cutting in any competitive setting, back at IGX, I couldn't manage a left oberhau.
I don't expect to cut with any success this time. I don't have a great track record with competitive cutting, and I haven't been practicing as much as I should.
...So, of course, I manage the qualifier with more ease than any other cutting I've done. It is a sign of the weekend to come.
******
Before I leave for SoCal, Patrick gives me two goals - stay on my toes, and try a durchswexel.
The first is much easier managed than the second, but I am able to accomplish things beyond that -
I stay mobile. No one bullies me. I do not give up on any exchange, nor do I fight scared. I mange a sword grab (sort of), and I am even comfortable enough to try a krumphau. I am fighting aggressive fighters and physically large fighters, fencers who not too long ago would have dismantled me without trying, and I don't give in.
********
This weekend is the catharsis I've been yearning for. A re-set button, a draining of all the muck in my brain.
I dance and I enjoy each step, even when I stumble.
I don't always win.
I don't need to. Not anymore.
And I can't wait to fight again.
<3.











