ALIEST

[thinkingtyper]

i stalked my tumblr lmao

i stalked my tumblr. it's so CRINGE. i was so dumb and conservative. my past-self would hate my present-self that's for sure. i dont remember when was the last time i dont cringe at my old-self. i guess it's natural, to cringe upon the past you. even so, i still want to hug the young fia. fia the smart girl, the girl who grasp her value tight, the girl who speaks her mind, who's loud about humanity. i guess that's what never change, the humane in me. no matter how conservative or liberal i am, i will always think of other people and try my best to treat them as a human being.

i am grateful for what i have been through, for have been a person i was. i want to meet my younger self and have a conversation. maybe we can go to libraries or mini cinema since she likes it. and then i'll treat her a coffee and donuts. ask her to every restaurants she want to, buy her every food she want to try, bring her every clothes she wants.

she might get pissed if she knows im an lgbtq ally. dont worry, i can avoid that topic. we can talk about movies, or music, or maybe theater and how to act. i know she likes to perform. i know she likes concert, i can recommend her good live performances. we'll talk about sushi, ramen, sashimi, japanese restaurants that i like. i need to take her to ANBAI! she'll like that VERY MUCH.

young fia, i am proud of you and i love you! thank you for being you <3

[thinkingtyper]

tangling thread

needle in the hay

crumpled shirts

and all the things that's messed

dont want to mend but i have to

want to sleep forever but i have two

or more foods i have to swallow

hard as rock not like marshmallow

wish it's as easy as flipping cards

in reality it's freaking hard

math question with no solution

language hard to understand no tenses

way of thinking

lost in identity

coppola has no idea

it's much more than just a translation

[thinkingtyper]

it's sad to see your loved one changing.

we used to be so close, kissing each other's eyes, laughing together to a funny video, holding each other so close that i could hear his eyes blinking. now he is gone. gone to another person, to a stranger i barely knew.

i just want to kiss my brother's eyes again, i want to hold him dear again, i want to see his drawings, see him watching anime, playing games that he asked me to buy.

it's sad to see him gone to his girlfriend. lost in his toxic relationship. where is my brother? where is he? where is the boy who likes to draw? watch anime? listen to hip-hop songs? now he is no more than a hopeless romantic teenager.

he refused when i ask him out. he refused to pick me up. i sound like a clingy sister, maybe i am maybe i am not. im just sad to see he becomes a toxic man who cannot live without his girl. he was so much more than that. he was talented. he was smart. he was everything.

nobody says that getting older means you see your siblings grow. they change, and your relationship with them too. i dont blame them. im just sad to see how the world works.

i dedicate this song to my brother, and everything and everyone that i hold dear. i just want to kiss my brother eyes' again, i want to witness his eyes looking, i want to sleep and cry in his lap again. but he is so distant now. i dont know where i lost my brother.

[thinkingtyper]

i love watching movie that i love

i love saturday. slow, peaceful saturday. today i am finally watching movies again. this time it's Still The Water (2014) by Naomi Kawase and Only Lovers Left Alive (2013) by Jim Jarmusch.

Still The Water... i love it. I love movies directed by women. There's always some girlie sense in there. it talks about life and death, family, parents-children relationship, grief, fear of death, oh so many things that gets me.

i dont know some coming of age romance movie could be this deep. i relate so much when Kyoko said the warmth of someone's presence in your heart is not enough, she needs physical presence. and she said that with tears full of fear of her mother's passing. im always scared of losing someone i love, especially my mother. and when she said that, i am suddenly imagining life without my mother, and that is so scary.

this movie is chaotic and soothing at the same time. Kaito's family wasnt that ideal. His parents split and he lives with a mother who rarely present. But in the midst of chaos, he found Kyoko, with her secure family. Even though Kyoko's life seem to be better than Kaito, her problem was her mother is dying. Both characters have their own chaos in their life but still they managed to look for peace. And that peace is in the form of a person.

Watching this movie feels like im watching my own life. It's because i have so much chaos right now, though i feel like this is the most peaceful point i ever have experienced in my life.

[thinkingtyper]

my take on being a first born

[thinkingtyper]

i fool around and fell in love HAHA

i think i love someone. not that much, but love. but i figured he's a dick, through a friend of my friend. he's not that for me, and i hope he wont turn out like that. to be honest, i dont even care if i end up with him or not. i mean, im cool if we're meant to be friends. he's really cool to be honest. we both like the same band (big thief and adrianne lenker), we're both songwriters, we're music geek, it's like finally im meeting with MY people, my soulmate! oh he plays guitar so well actually (might as well learn from him) and he writes beautifully (might as well learn from him again). actually i hope we can be friends as long as we can, i hope he can stay in my life, and i hope he's not a dick. even though we met through dating apps when i was bored, this time for this person, i hope our friendship can last :)

[thinkingtyper]

i love coming home late. not that i like to do it often, but i find late night ride romantic. the streets are quiet, even though every bus, bike, and cars are pushing the gas with all might, they are in a rush. there’s always something new. smelly lady, prostitutes on their way, closed streets, new routes, first time sitting beside the driver, something. with heavy eyelid i observe my surrounding happily, as if a puppy  just come out of a cage. i'm

by here my stop is approaching and i didnt type anything further.

[thinkingtyper]

im scared of being too successful

i know i shouldnt be thinking about it but here i am thinking about it.

i'm scared i'll be too successful. i know i shouldnt think this way but i do scared if no one wants me if i become too successful. i'm scared if i'm being too much; too busy, too many dreams, too many plans. i'm scared i'll overwhelm my partner for having big dreams.

i am surrounded with so many boys around me. i'm in a band which all the members and crews are boys (except me). i work in the music industry which dominated by men (even in my workplace there's not so many girls). this too makes me kinda scared that nobody wants me; because im not that worthy because many boys can have access to me.

many boys that i know said that some girls are "out of their league". and sometimes that makes me wonder, "what if im out of their league?" everytime i like someone or "am i out of your league? are you insecure because of me? am i too much for you?" everytime a boy rejects me.

trust me, im not trying to be cocky. but that's the reality. im not even that big, but why do i care thinking about this?

my ex told me that im too busy for him and he broke up with me. the reality is i was taking two interns and performing because i didn't have any money. my parents just divorced and they're both not working. but i love him and i want to do all the couples do with my money. i still make time for him but still, in the end he left me because i was too busy.

i know it's my fault. but sometimes im sad because this isnt what i want. i dont want to take two interns, i dont want to perform late at night, i dont want to work too hard. if only i had money back then. if only im not the first-born in the family so i dont have to provide.

somehow all my ambitions to be successful come from the pressure of being the first-born in a lower middle class family. there are so many things we cannot afford. so i have this mindset that i have to make our lives better by being successful.

but now that im already halfway there, i'm scared that i'll have no family of my own, just because nobody wants me because im too much for them.

sometimes i wonder do boys think about this too? does it ever cross their mind that if they're being too successful nobody will want them? i guess no

i guess... i'm not scared of being too successful. im scared that nobody wants me.

[thinkingtyper]

time feels slower when you're lonely

i feel so lonely. all my friends are occupied. i dont have a partner. even if i do, i shouldnt depend my happines on him.

i miss him to be honest. maybe i failed to move on. i wish i can talk to him. but i cant. he's not my boyfriend anymore. i cant tell about my day. i cant tell about my thoughts. i dont know whom i can talk to.

should i text him? he hasnt reply me yet. maybe he wont. maybe he hates me. he can change his profile picture but dont reply me. maybe he loves his friend, that girl who i hate. maybe he's calling her right now. listening to her voice, while im talking to my head. poor me.

today kills me. i have no activities. each hour, minute, and second is torturing me. i feel a deep loneliness. and i dont know who i can share with. time feels slower when you're lonely. that's how i feel now.

i love slow days. i want to have a slow life. but not a lonely life. it's killing me ):

[thinkingtyper]

it's been two months since i wrote this. i am finally cutting him off, not talking to him at all, not stalking his socials, not wanting to know what he's doing, etc and i cant believe how much progress ive made.

slow days are not killing me anymore. in fact, it's my favorite thing now. i love doing nothing, being alone, sleeping, just listening to music, watching movies, talking with my family.

i have a job now and im so happy it pays well. i didnt have any money back then. i took two internships just so i can date with my own money only to get dumped because i was busy--as he said.

commuting used to be a burden. i used to always cry on the bus, on the train, when im walking, almost every time i commute i cried, because i had nothing to do and that's when he starts creeping to my thoughts. it was so stressful. now it's a peaceful activity. just sit, looking at the road, listening to music. a main character in a soothing movie moment.

i cant believe the change that's happening. even though i still love him and still hoping that he'd come back to me, i guess living in this peace is the best feeling i have ever experience and i want to keep it like this.

i love my life. even though it's ironic, it's worth the laugh.

[thinkingtyper]

took two internships because i didnt have any money only to get dumped a few months later because i was busy

laugh out loud

live out loud

life is ironic

[quotemadness]

“If you saw her in these moments, you might think she was collecting her thoughts in order to go forward. But I see it another way: Her mind is being overwhelmed by two processes that must simultaneously proceed at full steam. One is to deal with and live in the present world. The other is to re-experience and mourn something that happened long ago.”

— Steve Martin

[thinkingtyper]

2022 was a really hard year for me. all of my fears become reality. my parents split, being in a relationship with a third party, left alone, then watching him walking away and date her. all of my nightmares became a real visualization in front of my very own eyes. my tears couldnt even blur my vision, it all feels way too real.

this year i hope it’s the opposite of previous year. i believe all the good things will happen this year. my love will come back, i dont wish my parents to reconcile but i hope a very beautiful moments with them, i believe—and i faithfully believe—that this year will be beautiful. i promise myself that.

[thinkingtyper]

it hurts to see you with another girl. it hurts to think that she’s able to tell about her day, things that she likes, shows she watches, to you. im jealous that she gets to hear your voice and breath. it hurts knowing that i still love you yet you are already with another girl. it hurts to know that you guys are friends from the beginning, knowing that she has a bigger chance to be forever with you. it hurts everytime i wake up and i still think about you. do you miss me? i guess not, you already have another. do you ever think about me? probably, but not as much as how often you think about her. do you want to meet me? i dont think so, you never seem happy with that idea. it’s like you really want to erase me out of your life. and before you completely do that, let me walk out first.

[thinkingtyper]

time feels slower when you're lonely

i feel so lonely. all my friends are occupied. i dont have a partner. even if i do, i shouldnt depend my happiness on him.

i miss him to be honest. maybe i failed to move on. i wish i can talk to him. but i cant. he's not my boyfriend anymore. i cant tell about my day. i cant tell about my thoughts. i dont know whom i can talk to.

should i text him? he hasnt reply me yet. maybe he wont. maybe he hates me. he can change his profile picture but dont reply me. maybe he loves his friend, that girl who i hate. maybe he's calling her right now. listening to her voice, while im talking to my head. poor me.

today kills me. i have no activities. each hour, minute, and second is torturing me. i feel a deep loneliness. and i dont know who i can share with. time feels slower when you're lonely. that's how i feel now.

i love slow days. i want to have a slow life. but not a lonely life. it's killing me ):

[thinkingtyper]

oppressed feelings and whatnot

i thought it's over. i thought i know the end. i thought THIS is the end.

it's happening again. the screams and yells and goosebumps and anger. the chair's broken, hearts broken--so many times.

my heart's beating fast. im trying to calm down.

i want to cry. but i hold back.

but i am sad to be honest. i want to cry and scream and cry and scream. if there's a forest or a box may i come in and rest?

i dont have some place or people to tell my stories too. to be honest i feel alone. this is lonely.

the watersplash in the bathroom seems messy. the splashes seems angry. just like the man who splashed it.

the chair's leg is bended. so does the man's heart.

he's the bended man.

and i don't know how to fix him.

or maybe i don't want to. it's not my job.

[thinkingtyper]

i dont know why im still dreaming of you. it's been so long since we last met, i think it's almost seven years. half of me said there's no chance to meet you again, while my other half still hoping that we could at least pass by in a random place. i dont know how many writings i wrote about you.

i know that no matter how much i write about you, it will never bring you back. i know very well making a song about you will never make our world collide. perhaps you dont even get the message, perhaps you dont even care about my song.

a dream is just a dream. but if my dream is still about you, i dont think it's merely a dream. maybe it's my longing for you. maybe im hoping to get a second chance to meet my first love. where are you?

[thinkingtyper]

the climax

today was never expected. no, i did expect something would happen, that the climax would happen. and i think it happened this morning (or maybe something bigger is happening?). he smashed the window, hands covered with blood. im not exaggerating. i had a myopia, i need to get my glasses to get a clearer sight. and yes, it’s his blood. dripping from his fist. the neighbors are screaming. hurrying to my house. seeing him with blood, they try to save him. i and my brother was just looking. no expression, filled with confusion, of what would happen, next.

my sister was screaming in her sleep. a horrendous one. again, im not exaggerating. she cried horrendously. i and my brother hurried to get her. that moment, that was very heart breaking. i never felt like my heart crashed this hard. seeing your loved one cry insanely, that breaks my heart, a lot. that moment, my tears was also falling. i cant bare it. i cannot see her like this. i hugged her. my brother holding us with tears. she was still screaming. we hugged while we cry. it was cinematic.

my brother is having a birthday. imagine in his position. the special day that usually spend specially, was full of horror. i cried for him too. i wish i could give him the best present ever. but i cant. i really love him.

i saw my mother in the living room. eyes full of tears, wiping the blood away. the floor was full of scattered glass. just like this family which had fully scattered this morning. we’ve been living like kintsugi—a japanese art of putting broken pottery back together. we’ve broken so many times, fixed so many times, yet this one feels a little bit too hard to put together again.

my parents relationship was problematic. one day they would act like a perfect couple, one day they would act like a couple far from ideal. this traumatize me. ive never been a relationship. im scared. call me a coward, because that’s true. im scared if i turn into a beast to someone i love, im scared if he’s not ready to see me like that. i never talked about my family to anyone, not even my closest friend. except this morning, i had to talk to someone, or else maybe i went crazy. so i talked to one my friend, i really trust her.

anyway, im curious of how it feels to be in a relationship. but my cowardice and trust issue are bigger than my curiousity. i cant trust anyone. im too scared to open up. im too scared to face the truth. everytime i like someone, i just keep it to myself and i dont want to know them more. i dont want to know their scars and vice versa. what happened today just make me feel more scared to really love someone.

i think i will never understand how love works. does it make you being such a bitch? egoistic? i think im too logical. i cant treat people with feelings, i guess that’s too the reason why i never be in a relationship. because every time someone tries to unfold me, i always think they’re cringe and stupid. i feel so lonely, yet i think im comfortable with this loneliness.

i miss my hamster. i wish i could talk to chipotle. but he’s dead. good things are always dead, they left the bad things remain. i hope im not that bad. i hope i'd never do such things like my father did all these times.