Shame Shame Shame

TW Not pro, just a diary for me. BLOCK DON’T REPORT SW: worthless, CW:disgusting, GW: 200

[thirsstt]

there is so little i have control over in my life right now i feel like im drowning.

[thirsstt]

life is awful still. still living in a place a i hate. still working for people i hate. still living in a body i hate. well.. the body thing is more complicated. i appreciate my body for all it gets me through.. but i can’t help but wish i was smaller. i’ve implemented a fasting program and a work out regimen that i think will help me get through the summer. i need to be in control of something, anything. everything is all over the place and i feel like im being pulled into pieces rn.

[an0n-moonandstars]

[thirsstt]

i don’t know why i even try. i’m just a stupid girl with stupid dreams that will never come true because i’m always everyone’s last choice.

[thirsstt]

some months back i posted about a wedding i didn’t want to go to. it happened. i went. i was still fat. so now, im re-dedicating myself to losing this weight. i have a few more events this year that are non optional. another wedding, maybe getting engaged? either way, need to shed at least 20lbs in the next three weeks so here is to one meal a day, two workout sessions, and daily weigh ins. tune to see if i’m still a piece of shit when i’m done.

[thirsstt]

i have to write this down because it can’t keep bottling up in my head. tomorrow is my 28th birthday. i never thought i would live this long and while i do think about that every single year around this time, this one is different. this is the age i planned on leaving everything behind when i was a teen. i told myself if i didn’t have good friends or i wasn’t happy, id dip. but i do have good friends. a good boyfriend. and yet im so extremely sad. because of the way my life is, i’ll probably never get married. never be proposed to. not because of my boyfriend, he wants to, but is always worried about money. we’ve decided to build a house together… which basically means i’ll never be able to afford getting married. not in the way he wants too. my friends are a good distraction, but none of them are available tomorrow. one has agreed to hangout after she gets off work (maybe). we work together and she agreed to take myself so i could have the day off. my best friend couldn’t get out of work because she had to attend a wedding last week for a childhood friend. i’m trying to understand that she couldn’t miss that but it makes me sad. i’m feeling like the teenager who was constantly forgotten about again. i know it’s my rsd. i know my boyfriend is wanting to make things fun but i also, conveniently, had surgery yesterday so he’s more worried about my recovery than anything else… i just feel so alone. on my golden birthday.

[thirsstt]

i literally have no control of anything anymore. i feel so lost and alone and like i don’t matter.

[thirsstt]

i don’t know why i even try anymore.

[thirsstt]

will i ever not fucking hate myself?

[thirsstt]

i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry.

[thirsstt]

literally the worst day, but i didn’t eat so i guess that’s a win. i’m so over my life rn. i wish i could pack up my shit and disappear.

[thirsstt]

day three of the fast

it’s going poorly. i haven’t totally stuck to the rules which is awful and im gonna have to fast again at the end of the week which sucks but it is what it is.

[thirsstt]

this weekend is going to suck…

i’ve started a four day fast. it began last night at midnight and i’ll be going til sunday 11:59. my boyfriend and his dad are out of town so im home alone which i hate… but i work doubles today and tomorrow and then one shift sat and sun so ill be pretty busy.

the hunger isn’t bad rn. i have water to tide me over. i was supposed to weigh in this morning but had trouble sleeping last night so it didn’t happen. i just want it to be sunday already.. i don’t wanna be alone.!

[thirsstt]

day two:

yesterday was long but mostly successful. i weighed myself for the first time in months and was pleasantly surprised i didn’t gain everything i’d lost before back. i had a small snack after my nighttime work out.

this morning was… rough. i’m struggling to sleep so i tossed and turned too much. i didn’t get my morning workout in but im trying to make peace with that. i grabbed something small to eat before work because i almost passed out yesterday. i’m back at work again and looking forward to the distraction to get me through the evening. skin care and vitamins are also being taken seriously so that’s good.

[thirsstt]

Hello

i’m back. spring was a shit show so i’m starting over. i’ll reply to comments when i can, but the mission still stands. i know only have 20 days until the wedding which is definitely not enough time but i’m going to try my best.

Beginning:

i’m starting over with a long fast. i started last night and will go til monday. im allowed water and electrolytes as well as one small meal after work each day. i’ll be working out twice each day. one hr in the morning and 30 mins in the evening. i’m hoping to drop at least ten lbs between now and mid June. i’ll be fasting this weekend and again next weekend. i’ll update daily, if i can. progress isn’t linear and i need to remind myself that trying my best is all i can do.

[thirsstt]

i literally have no one to talk to and it’s so isolating. i feel so alone all the time.

[thirsstt]

Mission Update

this week has been super stressful but i’ve managed to fast at least 16 hr everyday. very short i know but i was running out of time to workout everyday. i have taken the jump and purchased a mini stepper to help me get my workouts in effectively. cardio is really where i’ve struggled with my workouts so i’m hopeful that it will help. i also purchased a posture thingie to help me with that but i will be transformed by the end of this. i’ve outlined a new grocery list with healthier, very low cal options. still taking my supplements. i haven’t weighed in yet. i’m nervous about that. i haven’t weighed myself in a month and it’s always the most obsessive thing. i become so wrapped up in it that i try to only do it once a week when i do it regularly, but i typically fail at that. wish me luck!