Shame Shame Shame

TW Not pro, just a diary for me. BLOCK DON’T REPORT SW: worthless, CW:disgusting, GW: 200

[thirsstt]

i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny i will be skinny

[thirsstt]

i know i’ll be sad when this weekend is over but im so tired and i feel like such a slob. such an embarrassment sment. such a failure.

it’s slowly getting better but why can’t i be normal.

[thirsstt]

if i could quit being the grossest human being alive that would be great

[thirsstt]

just a midnight rant

this weekend is supposed to be fun and yet i feel like im slipping further and further away from the person i want to be. my best friend is in town so we can celebrate our birthdays and i feel so lost in my body and my mind. i don’t know if its the stress or the fact that im a deadman walking but i can’t help but feel like no one cares about me. there’s nothing factual to back this up. my best friend is here. my fiance is here. and yet i feel like im all alone. idk what to do.

[thirsstt]

there is so little i have control over in my life right now i feel like im drowning.

[thirsstt]

life is awful still. still living in a place a i hate. still working for people i hate. still living in a body i hate. well.. the body thing is more complicated. i appreciate my body for all it gets me through.. but i can’t help but wish i was smaller. i’ve implemented a fasting program and a work out regimen that i think will help me get through the summer. i need to be in control of something, anything. everything is all over the place and i feel like im being pulled into pieces rn.

[an0n-moonandstars]

[thirsstt]

i don’t know why i even try. i’m just a stupid girl with stupid dreams that will never come true because i’m always everyone’s last choice.

[thirsstt]

some months back i posted about a wedding i didn’t want to go to. it happened. i went. i was still fat. so now, im re-dedicating myself to losing this weight. i have a few more events this year that are non optional. another wedding, maybe getting engaged? either way, need to shed at least 20lbs in the next three weeks so here is to one meal a day, two workout sessions, and daily weigh ins. tune to see if i’m still a piece of shit when i’m done.

[thirsstt]

i have to write this down because it can’t keep bottling up in my head. tomorrow is my 28th birthday. i never thought i would live this long and while i do think about that every single year around this time, this one is different. this is the age i planned on leaving everything behind when i was a teen. i told myself if i didn’t have good friends or i wasn’t happy, id dip. but i do have good friends. a good boyfriend. and yet im so extremely sad. because of the way my life is, i’ll probably never get married. never be proposed to. not because of my boyfriend, he wants to, but is always worried about money. we’ve decided to build a house together… which basically means i’ll never be able to afford getting married. not in the way he wants too. my friends are a good distraction, but none of them are available tomorrow. one has agreed to hangout after she gets off work (maybe). we work together and she agreed to take myself so i could have the day off. my best friend couldn’t get out of work because she had to attend a wedding last week for a childhood friend. i’m trying to understand that she couldn’t miss that but it makes me sad. i’m feeling like the teenager who was constantly forgotten about again. i know it’s my rsd. i know my boyfriend is wanting to make things fun but i also, conveniently, had surgery yesterday so he’s more worried about my recovery than anything else… i just feel so alone. on my golden birthday.

[thirsstt]

i literally have no control of anything anymore. i feel so lost and alone and like i don’t matter.

[thirsstt]

i don’t know why i even try anymore.

[thirsstt]

will i ever not fucking hate myself?

[thirsstt]

i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry. i’m not hungry.

[thirsstt]

literally the worst day, but i didn’t eat so i guess that’s a win. i’m so over my life rn. i wish i could pack up my shit and disappear.

[thirsstt]

day three of the fast

it’s going poorly. i haven’t totally stuck to the rules which is awful and im gonna have to fast again at the end of the week which sucks but it is what it is.

[thirsstt]

this weekend is going to suck…

i’ve started a four day fast. it began last night at midnight and i’ll be going til sunday 11:59. my boyfriend and his dad are out of town so im home alone which i hate… but i work doubles today and tomorrow and then one shift sat and sun so ill be pretty busy.

the hunger isn’t bad rn. i have water to tide me over. i was supposed to weigh in this morning but had trouble sleeping last night so it didn’t happen. i just want it to be sunday already.. i don’t wanna be alone.!