Sister I'm a Poet

This is a diary... proceed with caution.

[this-charming-woman]

10/20/17

At night I wonder

"What if there isn't somebody for everybody-

And if there is, what if you were mine?"

What now

[this-charming-woman]

2/16/17 wip

I feel like I'm being punished for all the things I have ever done Did I steal too much? Did I pry? Did I take for granted my life that was so simple? Probably.

[this-charming-woman]

July 15th

It’s taken me three weeks, five days, and twelve hours to write about this.

My appetite came back somewhere in the middle,

somewhere around the 4th.

In my youth I thought I hurt. 

I didn’t

not like this.

I 

sleep through the afternoon

just to wake up exhausted

ignore my mom’s phone calls 

until I finally answer but have nothing to say

and let my stomach gnaw at me 

in the hopes that 

just maybe

it’ll kill me. 

[this-charming-woman]

extra 2

you’re off to the west coast

you’ve finally escaped this harsh city.

and

I am happy that I had you

even if it was just for a little while.

I kiss you as you leave me,

just 

don’t 

pretend

you’ll

miss 

me. 

[this-charming-woman]

extra

I admit that I’m simple, 

I don’t ask for much.

No presents from lovers

or flowers

and such.

[this-charming-woman]

Lauren is in Paris

Lauren is in Paris.

I’m jealous because Patti Smith said Spring was the best time to go.

I’m not so much Jealous of her being there

just that Paris gets to keep her

and I don’t...

I miss her madly...

She was telling me that she had to walk home alone,

which was scary for her in this new city,

then she was reminded of me

and how I always 

walk home

alone.

I want to say it’s not by choice

but at least my loneliness comforts 

someone else. 

[this-charming-woman]

1

I am young.

Sometimes I forget that.

I’ve been trying to be an adult my whole damn life

that only now do I see 

what I’ve missed. 

You’re young too.

I need to remember that. 

You’ve been avoiding adulthood your whole damn life

but I think you need to grow up before you realize

what you’ve missed. 

[this-charming-woman]

Spring Again

Enough about the fucking birds

we all know

that I’m using them

as a distraction

for my own life

pretending that there are metaphors

where there are none. 

[this-charming-woman]

Spring

The weather is getting warm,

too warm for me to to wear

even my thinnest denim jacket.

You call me a cold-blooded creature

but I wasn’t lying when I said

I preferred the cold... 

[this-charming-woman]

April 18th (2)

I hate when girls cry on the train,

I see them all the time,

and can’t offer them anything other than 

a nod of womanhood empathy,

because somehow I know

who hurt them

wronged them

and betrayed them.

I’ve been that girl so many times... 

[this-charming-woman]

April 18th

Once again,

I sit on the train

after midnight... 

getting home is hell this late,

but I stay late anyway...

I’m not good in groups,

but I go to the bar anyway...

You never come when I invite you,

but I’ll always ask

anyway... 

[this-charming-woman]

November / in Amsterdam

okay, 

I’m sensitive...

and during a bad shroom trip 

I became more melodramatic than usual.

I saw the prostitutes

and Anne Frank’s house

and the identical people

walking around in pastels.

I stand by the idea

that life is heinous. 

[this-charming-woman]

September (but it’s now April)

My sister,

she’s just worried about me...

I came to New York with such life

that the way I’m living now,

I might as well be dead. 

[this-charming-woman]

Memory / Early September

When my sister calls me 

I have nothing to say.

She says, “boring people lead boring lives.”

She’s right.

I’m boring. 

[this-charming-woman]

March 14th

I'm sorry mama, I have an illness that cannot be cured. I am sick beyond the point of honey and saltwater. your rural remedies won't turn me back into your life-loving daughter. I'm sorry mama, but the vultures have found me.

[this-charming-woman]

March 8th

you’ve been having sex since you were 14,

you say it with such hubris...

and I wonder if you can see

in my wavering eyes

that 

in my life

I’ve only ever let three people touch me

and one of them is you....

[this-charming-woman]

Memory of sometime in September

your roommate 

came home with a man neither of us had seen before... 

we looked at each other, 

as if on cue

each with an eyebrow raised

then went on with our conversation.

As loud music starts to blare

from a room at the end of the hallway

we both laugh,

falling into each other.

I look up at you, 

from your lap and say

“don’t you wish you could live like that”

you look at me 

laughter no longer in your eyes

and say

“I don’t think I want that”