In memoriam of the 100th anniversary of Anna May Wong's debut in the starring role of "The Toll of the Sea"
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@this-i-remember
In memoriam of the 100th anniversary of Anna May Wong's debut in the starring role of "The Toll of the Sea"
l o n e l y
before quarantine:
I was lonely, and it was the worst kind of loneliness; for though I was in the midst of a crowd of people there dwelt a Charybdis in the hollows betwixt my ribs, voracious and vicious. In her gaping maw I beheld the death of all hope of long-awaited happiness and salvation; even the last dregs of my sanity she guzzled down until all that remained of me was but a pale shadow, a ghastly shade, a wretched imitation of what I once might have been.
â
& in thus a fashion, even as the world beyond my coffin of flesh and bone awoke from its winter slumber, even as fresh green shoots poked through the thawing earth, even as the bluebirds and robins began to sing again, and even as delicate narcissus blossoms unfurled into the heady, sun-scented air, the world within the walls of my bones shuddered and withered and crumbled into dust. The Charybdis in me swallows me whole, drowning me in her waters until all that is left is hollow emptiness and a profound whose darkness no sunlight can pierce with golden rays and whose vastness is too infinite for my tired mind to comprehend.
during quarantine:
I am lonely. We are all lonely. We exist like solitary spores in the dark, our mycelia reaching desperately outwards in hopes of brushing against another being; yet all we are in the pervasive darkness are islands in vast seas of anguish.
â
I am lonely. We are all lonely. We have traded the loneliness that exists only within the prison of our own minds for a loneliness that encompasses our bodies and smothers our whole beings in fear and uncertainty.
â
I am lonely. We are all lonely.
Is this what it is like to be buried alive? Is this what it is like to be a dearly beloved bird, kept in a cage away from sun and sky and feathered friends?
â
I am lonely. We are all lonely. We are besieged from all sides and yet we are blindfolded as we fight and struggle against the rising tides.
â
I am lonely. We are all lonely. We are all filled by a placid nothingness. It has stolen half our hearts and all our will to fight; it has left our worlds bland and our endeavours meaningless. In its wake we know only the absurdity and futility of our efforts.
As the sun deepens and valley becomes cast in shadow, the lioness advances upon the ram, roaring at him from her crag even as he grazes proudly, without fear, without care, his ears inclined towards the sweet flow of birdsong and deaf to her rage. Yet the python, ever watchful, ever cautious, sees the danger of the ram which the lioness, so lofty and secure in her own power, fails to remember.
Yes indeed; the python, secret-keeper and being of the earth, dreads the ram's powerful hooves and his horns, sharp and poised to attack. For where the memory of the lioness fails her, the python's is eternal; it remembers blood and ribbons of flesh, wails of terror and snorts of anger; it remembers the death of its beloved and the destruction of all it holds dear. But with equal terror the python beholds the claws and drooling fangs of the lioness, feels the lingering stinging and soreness of skin once shed too soon, of bones that creak, of nictitating lids burnt dry.
Who, then, to approach? A fronte praecipitium, a tergo lupi. A precipice looms in front, and wolves howl for blood behind. And thus the python, coiled beneath the rhododendron blossoms, its wiliness its only defense against Apollo's penetrating rays, deliberates, caught between the claws and teeth of the lioness and the hooves and horns of the ram. To approach either one is sheer folly; to approach neither is to cower and die in the dark.
Alas, Oracle, for to know thyself has a caveat of nearsightedness; alas, muses, for this story shall simply be one more in volumes of devastation. When you sing of this, rue the day the gods set into motion such events; rue the day the python sought to save more than its own skin. Sing then, muses, when you deign to gift us with your song, of how even snakes weep, how they seize and coil upon themselves beneath the roses to conceal their wounds, how they choke on their own bubbling venom with no release in sight, how they swallow themselves whole to be reborn.
Such is the scene in the garden bordered by rhododendrons. Oh, but what a lovely place it is, drowning in sunlight and colors too bright for the eye to see. Oh, but what perfection it is, save for the roses.
Ah, what secrets we keep beneath the shadow-robed roses, you and I, what bloody, sinister truths. Ah, how we hide beneath the draperies of thorns, our brittle corpses, our wasted flesh. Ah, how we sink into the damp earth and become one with the roses.
How I wish I could take up razor sharp shears and slash these roses apart, to remove that dark stain, that deformed spot from the garden. But blades cannot pierce these thorns, and the cuttings I make will forever be scars, proofs of failure visible to all who pass by. Even if I should burn these roses to ashes and salt the earth upon which they stood, the marks of violence will remain, will forever be a smear upon the garden.
Noâbest then to force these rose vines, contort them into shape, pack the thorns dense within. Beset them on all sides with close netting to deter the bees so that these roses will not taint the other flowers. Wall up these roses, build an impenetrable tower to contain them, so that the vines that pierce their net will emerge to wither and rot, so that their cloying scent will be buried beneath dark and damp. Give these roses only a singular window up on high, so that the tainted blossoms may trace the paths of the sun and stars from where they are bound, the meager light their only respite. Roses of the dark and damp, roses under which serpents go to die, are not worthy of being gazed upon.
Yesâit is in this way that this garden must be cared for.
I am tired of being busy!
Father and Daughter RĂALISATION: MichaĂ«l Dudok de Wit
dream
a film by Austin Classical Guitar
executive producerÂ
MATTHEW HINSLEYÂ
artistic directorsÂ
JOSEPH V. WILLIAMS IIÂ
TRAVIS MARCUMÂ
audio recording & mix engineerÂ
TODD WALDRONÂ
directed byÂ
ALONSO J. JUJĂN
JENNIFER CHOI, violinÂ
LOUIS-MARIE FARDET, celloÂ
ALEJANDRO MONTIEL, guitarÂ
ISAAC BUSTOS, guitarÂ
CHRIS LIZAK, percussionÂ
TAâTYANA JAMMER, vocalsÂ
TRAVIS MARCUM, electric guitar
Program:
dream I - Joseph V. Williams II
Everyday, It's a gettin' closer... - Buddy Holly, Arr. by Travis Marcum & Ta'Tyana Jammer
V from Rothko Chapel - Morton Feldman. Arr. by Justice Phillips
Black Stars, Bright Shadows, from âDreamscapesâ - Patrkkc Long, Arr. Chris Lizak
In C - Terry Riley
The markings on your surface... - Frank Ocean, Arr. Travis Marcum & Ta'Tyana Jammer
dream II - Joseph V. Williams II
Good times for a change... - The Smiths, Arr. by Travis Marcum & Ta'Tyana Jammer
Change - Meredith Monk
Reverie - Claude Debussy, Arr. Matthew Lyons
Well-Spent - Eve Beglarian
I quit my dreamin'... - Angel Olsen, Arr. by Travis Marcum & Ta'Tyana Jammer
dream III - Joseph V. Williams IIÂ
anecdotes told by my professor during quarantine
22 April 2020
Good Evening: My youngest brother is a composer and a virtuoso classical guitarist and today is his birthday. If you like music consider this: https://youtu.be/uqlZ4aroclw Somewhat dreamy, surreal visuals. Donât miss the part starting at minute 6, and others like it. (There is a strong case for there being no better version of that song.) I watched him last night and I was floored: this guy laughs all the time! Well, I am beat; too beat to think. I will repeat the same thing I always say in a million different ways: if you do not allow yourself to experience one stop-you-in-your-tracks delightful moment every day there is something seriously wrong with your priorities. Ha!
anecdotes told by my professor during quarantine
21 April 2020
Good Morning: Kris and Emily were chatting and I happened to be in the next room. They were talking about tension and ease and how it sometimes seems as though it would be nice if some of us would occasionally be less 'authentic'. Ha! We make many lessons hard when in actuality they are as easy as waking up. There is a lesson I am learning over many years that I have not be able to give or to explain to others. Then again, it was not given or explained to me, it was simply stated. As for that, when I first heard it, I admit, it piqued my interest but was closed to me. âOther people in your situation would not necessarily react the way you do.â Contemplating its meaning began to change my thought and behavior and helped to bring delight to every moment. Last night I drifted in and out of consciousness listening to voices in a farther room. Later, in a stupor, I stumbled to bed. Sleep brought an observation: There is an emotional pique within me that I have felt but not identified. Normally I take joy in most every moment, whatever the situation. But the demands of work since switching to on-line courses has transformed my computer into an albatross about my neck. It has made me less authentic (ha!). But today I awakened excited at the prospect of making a discovery.
anecdotes told by my professor during quarantine
19 April 2020
Good Evening: My son Joseph is a reader of persons. Yesterday he told me about three people. He said, that person is looking for someone who will pay attention to them and support them. I asked him what made him say that. Because that person makes a special effort to make sure others know he pays attention to them. He went on, that person wants to find an approving and appreciative partner. I asked him what made him say that too. Because that person makes a special point to tell others know she approves and appreciates them. [Frankly, this is a little oversimplified. I have found that it helps if I ask him what he means by each term. I agree with him on most points, including this one: The desire for attention, approval, and appreciation is one of our most serious conditions. (âI like it when I am noticed /I need to be approved of/I need to be appreciated by othersâ.) They are leeches of the soul, impediments to the heart, and preoccupations of the mind. They seem to be given to us by others. They are not. It is more accurately stated as: âWhen I sense/imagine that others notice/approve of/appreciate me then I reward myself with positive feelingsâ. We rarely know what others think about us, but knowing that we do not know does not stop us from thinking that we want â or worse, thinking that we need â these things! We habitually guess at what others might think of us. It doesnât stop there. We continue down the rabbit hole, we imagine what they think or what they will think and then we change our behavior in accord with our imagination! Remember we do this because we are hoping they will notice/approve/appreciate us â but we do not and likely will not ever know what they think.⊠Yes, most of us are crazy and Joseph sees it in our behavior.] I asked him, and what do you want? He instantly replied, but with a slight note of incredulity in his voice â as if he were concerned that I might not be the right one to be speaking with on the topic â Love. And he went on to say: I do not think I know how to love well, without the disease of wanting attention, approval, and appreciation; I donât think I have ever known how to love like that. He is wrong and I told him so. Of course you know how to love like that. [Once he brought me a dandelion flower in a small glass cup filled to the very top with water. The surface tension made the stemless flower float above the glass. He walked toward my desk slowly, so as not to spill the water, with the cup in his tiny hands. His mouth was open in concentration, his lips rounded in a circle, I could hear his breath of amazement. And what a sight! That golden medallion reflected the full beauty of selfless love. What a treasure! With equal reverence I accepted the gift, thanked him, and told him I loved him. His eyes on the flower until the cup was securely in my hand; I love you too dad. And an instant later he was gone, outside again to find another wonder.] You have always known how to love like that; there was a time that it was the only way you knew how to love.
anecdotes told by my professor during quarantine
18 April 2020
Good Evening: It has been another wonderful day. Ha! I say that every day. My family laughs at me because I say certain things all the time, and well, they donât always agree (ha, ha, ha â I know, I know, âthat guy needs to use an emoji'). Things like: âit will just take a minuteâ, âFantastic!â, âItâs going to get Wonderful!â (which is my favorite), 'If you want to be happy, be thankful!', or âletâs do it, it will be fun!â. Today I am finally caught up. I get tomorrow off â all of it! I was going to tell you about a conversation I had with my son, Joseph (21 years old), or that story about camels, but I am going to go play! Oh, and if you are disappointed (which I seriously doubt) blame two of your classmates. They dropped by today for an hour or so (webex) and we had a fabulous discussion! But now it is 9 and I am going to sign off. Maybe I will stop by tomorrow. Enjoy every moment!
anecdotes told by my professor during quarantine
17 April 2020
Good Evening: It has been another wonderful day. I have been thinking about the small choices we face every moment of every day and that we underestimate the importance of our response to these choices. Clarity demands sensitivity to the self - this is graduate level work, but you are up to it. Here is a metaphor: Most people choose to be barnacles. All their world is in motion, and yet they pretend to be sessile. A barnacle begins dynamic, if unappealing, but this it abandons. It fastens its forehead to a stone and surrounds itself with a crust of certainty that it hardens into existence and enforces every day. It only reaches out into the sea with its flimsy fan of a foot with which it nets floating food. When shadow or darkness comes it closes and pretends it isnât there. No amount of reasoning will convince a barnacle to dissolve its carapace. It will not accept something new. It will not consider abandoning its condition. It even refuses the possibility of another way. It does not see that it has chosen in its stubbornness to become a hollow space, a surface fouled. Contrast the barnacle to the worm. Though unappealing, it remains exposed, flexible, sensitive to itself and the world. It enters briefly its cocoon and then leaves something new. It is changed (it flies!), and on its way everything it touches flowers.
anecdotes told by my professor during quarantine
16 April 2020
Good Evening: It has been a wonderful day. But, alas, I must retire. The morning threatens to be here soon. I had written two stories and considered a third for you but they are not ready and I am too tired now to do a good job on them. May I suggest you take a minute to notice how good it feels to smile? Ha! I am smiling. I will go to bed smiling wondering if any of you smiled when you read this.
anecdotes told by my professor during quarantine
15 April 2020
Good Evening: I have put in a clean 16 hours today. I am not bragging. I love working long hours that are productive and rewarding. Not this though; this isnât rewarding. But a crop is a crop and whoâs to say where the harvest will stop! Ha, ha, ha! Did you hear about that guy who had a dream that he would meet an old beggar with a bag. (It is a story about a dream; it has weird facts like an old guy with a bag. If this somehow isnât enough for you have the man leaving his village to live his own life. Have the old beggar be a aesthetic with wild, wiry grey hair, ruddy skin, and ragged clothes sitting outside the town in the shade of a tree. Now leave me alone! I am trying to tell a story.) Anyway he met just such a beggar the very next day. Astonished, the man told him about the dream. The old guy was amused and asked if there was more to the dream. There was, so the man continued: In the dream the beggar had a precious gem in his bag. Hearing this the old beggar looked into his bag, pulled out a precious stone of considerable size and value and asked the man if this was the gem. It was. What else, asked the beggar. In the dream you gave me the stone. So the beggar told him to take it if he wanted it. The man could not believe his good fortune! He walked away mesmerized by the beauty and value of his new stone, but eventually he began to ponder what had transpired. Before long he returned to the tree. (I liked the tree so much I kept it, oh, and the beggar is still there, even well after the story is told.) The beggar told him that there was nothing else in the bag, but the man said he was no longer interested in that. So what brought you back, asked the beggar. He man replied, âWould you give me whatever it is that you have that makes giving away a gem like this to a total stranger effortless?â Ha! Isnât that wonderful?
anecdotes told by my professor during quarantine
14 April 2020
Good Evening: I was going to share with you a few pleasant thoughts, such as my family telling stories and laughing together earlier this evening, a moment on the beach, or a childhood memory. But they came out as incomplete sentences. Almost lonely. Life is like that. Life appears as incomplete sentences except to the very wise. (I might have read that in a fortune cookie, though.) My point was going to be that most of us are robots programmed to abandon a good thought for a worried one. Most of us decide repeatedly throughout the day to be preoccupied with what we are unhappy about in our lives rather than to see the depth of loveliness that is the transformation of living that life. But in the end, I decided to give these fragments to you anyway, because it is best that we live alone until we are no longer lonely. The riddle of a sun-licked shoreline that says you have nothing to do but to enjoy everything. Listening to laughter. Holding close the last embraceable branch at the top of the tallest tree (this is the important part:) after letting go of the other branches â which are essential to getting up there! â giving up the fiction of independence for the opportunity to sway with the tree and to listen to the music of the sky.
anecdotes told by my professor during quarantine
13 April 2020
Good Evening: When our challenges are most severe and we feel that it is just too much we have to step back. Honest examination will reveal the real problem is that we have placed a prerequisite on happiness. Since the world is not behaving according to our will, we punish ourselves with negative feelings of distress, anger, frustration, and more. Do you do that? I do. I am doing it right now because of the situation with on-line courses and students and instructors and the backdrop of health concerns. (That is why this note is so late.) I am trying not to do it, but I am doing it nonetheless. It turns out that I donât have control; never did. I know those facts with my head, but what is needed is a present knowledge. I suspect that in reality I am deceiving myself, whispering, âbut if I do (this) or (that) then the world will behave (had better behave!).â What is needed is that say, âI am often wrong and it looks like I am wrong here, tooâ. That conversion comes most easily when I turn my thoughts to how pleasant it is to drink a glass of water, and then drinking one, or when going on a walk or sitting comfortably without any purpose whatsoever. I mentioned to some of you that my best childhood friend died of brain cancer when we were in high school. He was the happiest person I knew â my goal is to be like him, peace-loving and life-enjoying. Notice what happened and my reaction to it: he was diagnosed with cancer and I was devastated. I made it about me. It took me a very long time to see that I demanded that he be fine and that I feel fine about it, and since that was not happening I made myself miserable. I do not blame myself for this any more, it is understandable, it was all I knew. I did not know better. As it turns out, he was still filled with excitement and energy and optimism for the time he had. That observation horrified me more even more. I was not ready to be honest about what I saw in the world, in my life, how I felt, or what I thought. He saw clearly. I was trapped in my fear. When he was very sick and people would visit but be too self-pitying to speak to him he would sometimes wander away, having grown tired of them ignoring him. I should say ânot seeing him for who he wasâ. He was still Eric, fatally ill, yes, but still Eric. Oh, I punished myself mercilessly for many years because the world did not conform to my demands regarding his health and my feelings! Ha! It is silly what we do to ourselves sometimes, chasing away happiness because it does not conform to our will. [While I have been writing this Luna has been here waiting patiently for me. She wants me to stop all this ruminating. She wants me to get the part about her. She is sniffing intently towards my face and saying âLook here! Ok, so you can remember your teenage years like they were yesterday, but when are you going to get to the part about what I have taught you, the wisdom of footpaths, puddles, and couches? Or better yet, letâs blow this joint and go out into the yard, you can look for planets and listen to the chimes and I will listen for things you canât understand!â]
anecdotes told by my professor during quarantine
12 April 2020
Good Evening: Have you ever had a feeling of total powerlessness that brought you to a sense of reality that was so keen it never entirely left you, that was so earthshattering that you realized that your entire sense of self and sense of others was a parade of self-deception and self-indulgence, that every notion you had of almost everything was false because of that self-deception and that you were no different from anyone else in that almost everyone is as delusional as you are, and that at your best you can only occasionally see clearly, that all your piety, knowledge, experience, courage, strength, compassion, and other gifts, large and small, including the gift of reason, that all your failings, dishonesty, meanness, and thoughtlessness, that all your success, ability and power, even your good health, are no more than the motion of the ocean, the beating of the tide upon the shore, and nothing more â that the most loving thing you have ever done or likely will ever do is only a hint of what love really is, that you can participate in it but you do not produce it, you can enjoy lifeâs music but you are not the musician â that even the feeling of total powerlessness that brought you to this sense of reality is just an invitation to stop thinking about yourself, get up, and live life for the first time?
anecdotes told by my professor during quarantine
11 April 2020
Good Afternoon: I hope this announcement finds you well. Today is my wedding anniversary and I have spent about 6 hours working thus far. I want to stop. Kris brought me pancakes. I think I am going to spend as much of the rest of the day as possible with my family. I hope you have a wonderful day. It certainly looks beautiful.