Me my feelings and my thoughts. @this-just-me - Tumblr Blog

Jodeci… so weird seeing you around my new school. It’s weird acting like we’re strangers. I hope your doing okay, seeing you happy again makes me happy too. I just wish everything worked out between us, it would have been 3 years by now. Miss you heaps man🥲

I just seen my ex Maeli wearing my nike jumper lollll. So funny. I also posted a tik tok about and he texted me😆 and his new gf texted sayin I shouldn’t post about my ex. I mean little girl I left him for a reason you can have my left overs😆

Maybe Ethan is the one. I hope he is because I’m gonna do this the right way. I know I really like him and he told me he likes me too. Which I’m not very sure if that yet. I plan on going out to places with him. Maybe like night rides, going to carnivals ect. Maybe if we keep doing that one day he’ll tell me face to face that he likes me. Ik that’s sounds desperate asf. But I wanna tell my future kids that me and my partner have been together since we were teenagers.

Maybe some day, just one day.. my mind will be at peace, and these thoughts in my head will let me rest.

I know at some point I’ll do it when I’ve had enough. My life is already “miserable” but honestly after bathing the kids, feeding them, and putting them to bed. Which is fine by 1 in the morning because there’s 6 of them. I’ve started to be on the game again. Playing fortnite and GTA again. It’s been helping me cope with my anger issues again. I don’t yell as much anymore. I play till around 3 the kids wake up for bottles once a night which us usually around 1:30ish. Quianas been paying for food, the bills, school stuff. So she does extra shifts while mum is out clubbing and worrying about her “boyfriend” I just don’t get it, why mum? Why be with a guy that constantly fights with you, hates your eldest child and raped the other eldest child? Why stay with someone that ODed the youngest baby and child abused him when he’s only 1… your a very bad mother. Sometimes I wished you died and dad stayed. He would have never done this to us. It’s been 7 years with out him mum we’re all sad that he died. But bro grow tf up. Your a fkn mother. Or should I say a fkn baby machine because that’s the only thing your hood at doing.

I don’t think my mum understands how her actions affect me. I’m so tired of looking after my siblings. I literally haven’t had a proper sleep ever since Mose was born he’s a very hard child to look after. Like I just wanna be with my friends bro I should be having fun and being a kid like I’m supposed to be. I shouldn’t have to look after look after her stupid kids. Like cool you wanna go have fun too mum I get that but you should step up and be a proper mum sometimes. I know you’ll see this when you take my phone again because I’m “lazy” as you always say. So if you read this mum just know. I hope you die. I’ll be at peace if you do. All my siblings will be too.

Honestly I did pretty good with Christina. And I got some good punches in. I guess I got some anger out and frustration. Since then I kinda wanna fight with Marrytiana now because I’ve heard her talk shii about my bsf. And HAHA Maani fked tht bitch up but bro I wanna have a fight wit her too man. She don’t pull hair and girls that fight like that are hard to find. But yee maybe when she comes back to skl I’ll step to her😆 having Noel back in my life has made me wanna be in so much fights like bruhh he’s pretty good at fighting I’m glad he came back to live with us.

Everything is just so annoying lately. Mum wants to kill herself. Quianas putting everything on me Baby, cleaning the house, getting everyone up and ready for school, literally everything. While Kevin just sits back and chills? How tf does that work. I don’t get why mum is still with that peace of shit. Me and Quiana has told her to leave him a thousand times and yet she still goes running back to him and when we bring it up she says “stop worrying about my business” like bro your a mum your too old for worrying about boyfriends you had the chance to be doing that when you had no kids. But you got me looking after your kids for you? I should be worrying about school and my own problems, I shouldn’t have to worry about my mum wanting to kill herself or worrying about if my siblings have been feed, are they okay?, is my mum even looking after them while I’m at rugby practice or at a rugby game. Like cmon man do your job it’s not hard.

If I do give up, just know your the reason I stayed a bit longer. Seeing you happy even if it was fake or not. That made me happy. And I love you, even tho I didn’t really show it to you. But I still care for you ml a lot. 💖

I’ve been struggling with my E.D still and other problems. But driving around the city and just roaming around seems like fun. Honestly as soon as I turn 16 I plan on getting my drivers license and kidnap my bestie. Ik she’s been through a lot especially with OT. Stealing her will be a good decision, and I reckon she’ll like that too. I also plan on moving out as soon as I can too. I really wanna get away from this toxic family. It’s just not working out with me and my family, I try to make things good with them but their just not allowing me to be happy and I don’t wanna be sad my whole life that’s just a waste of life going by. Anyways I think I will do very good on my own. Besties dream is to travel the world, and I don’t mind going on trips again. Haven’t been on a plane in for awhile. Currently I’m saving up for plane tickets. So when I’m 18 I can take Maani to Paris. It was my favourite country to be at when I was little and I think she’ll like it too. Who knows, only one way to find out.

Ethan… I think I’m losing interest in him, he’s just so.. distant and idk I just don’t really like him anymore. I find him more annoying then finding him attractive. Ever since I’ve said I liked him, to him, he just annoys me and I just feel like I don’t like him anymore. But. Idk how to tell him because he might be sad afterwards if I do.

I plan to leave on my birthday. I don’t want a fresh start anymore. I literally just wanna leave. It’ll be better for me and everyone around me. I’m just so tired to the point sleep can’t even relieve it.

Moving in Otara wasn’t as bad as I thought. I thought it would have been terrible because everything is just so ugly around here. But the other half of Otara which is where I live. It’s actually pretty nice. Like it’s not in a the hood of Otara but where all the white people live. And my new school is actually pretty cool. I like it here. The best part is that there’s no uniform, so I can wear what I want, except there’s a dress code. Oh yeah and my mum was thinking about adopting Maani (my bestfriend)

She’s been going through Oranga Tamariki. She’s basically been throught random peoples houses. My uncle is some how the boss of that company so we’re trying to find her and get her to live with us. I hope she’s okay. I worry about her a lot.

Me and my mums relationship has actually been really good and I hope it stays this way. Me and her also cut off our family which I think was a good thing because they were all losers and always asked mum for money 24/7. Besides we’re closer to mums job maybe she won’t be as tired anymore.

Mum was thinking about moving to Wellington next year, I hope I do because me and my siblings (mums kids) have been through so much in the past 5 years ever since our real dad died and mums had a lot of boy friends coming in and out of the family. A fresh start would be good for all of us.

It’s been a while since ive posted. My life feels well not better but good I’m a type of way.

I haven’t been to school in for so long ig tomorrow I can make a new start forget about break ups and just focus on school. We’ll try at least.

I know Christina’s been dying to see me, after all I did make Sane fight her I never returned to school in 3 months. Hopefully she’s forgotten. If not ig my first day back I’ll be fighting her.

It’s not that I’m scared. I just don’t have the energy to do such things now n days.

My mums a nurse and has told me. “ Armani you might be bipolar “ which I couldn’t care less about that. But.. she could be right.

Ethan…

I mean I did have feelings for him.. untill I found out he’s got feelings for me… I lost interest. Ig I’m scared of getting into a relationship again.

But my dad.. well stepdad. He’s got a friend that has a son. My dad literally wants me to get with his friends son. I know… crazy right?

Anyways that’s all I’m gonna say for now.

This holiday to Christchurch will be really good for me, I really need a break away from Auckland, Auckland don’t even feel like home anymore. I honestly wanna go queens land next time. To see my family yk.?

Oh yeah last night, Rydah, he really made my night, idk but we kinda relate to each other. He’s cool, we literally watch the same people on YouTube have the same favourite games on play station. Idk he kinda reminds me of my cousins, hype me up, make me feel better and laugh. Check up on me after the conversation gets awkward, he’s cool. I like him. He’s 15 does house chores, plays rugby, works. Does everything a young male should be able to do. It’s cool he does that stuff, plus looks after his siblings. But who knows he could be lying.

But I’m gonna stick to my word this time.

Never ever get attached, DO NOT fall for the other one first.

Why am I exactly the same as my stepdad. I have his anger issues, I literally act like I hate everyone just like he does. I behave like him. What even happened to me, my mum has made me believe that my stepdad has ruined me. And I hate that. Honestly hate that so much.

Honestly, I feel like I’m ruining my family, I’m can’t even act happy like I used to. What the hell is going on with me.

Really neees to get my shit together.

Today felt like a whole dream come true, I got the mother I’ve been craving for back, the sister I’ve dreamed to have, I have now. My whole family has gone the way I’ve wanted them to, Surely this is true.

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Me my feelings and my thoughts.