This Gypsy Heart of Mine.

[FREE YOUR MIND, AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW!] Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.

[thisgypsyheartofmine]

That one time Ventanilla nearly killed me bc she got too excited by the wide open land. But then I was all like, "I feel you girl, I'd also be running wild any chance I could get". So we got to bond over our same free spirits & in the end it was all gravy. . . #brasil #takemeback #overthiscold #gettingrestless #ifeelyouventanilla #travel #worldcup #paraty #fbf

[thisgypsyheartofmine]

Niagara Falls

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Discovering the beauty of this massive country that I reside in. Québec city, Vieux Port. (August, 2016)

[thisgypsyheartofmine]

I miss this city. I mean, where else can you find origami landmarks?!?

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Sumo wrestling: where fighters literally get smacked silly. Tokyo (2014).

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Roaming through the streets of Havana with my main ladies. Cuba (2011).

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This picture is a perfect metaphor to where my life currently stands –learning to find rainbows within the storm.

Argentina (2014).

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Iguazzu Falls. (2014)

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Some of my last days in the city.

Tokyo, Japan. (May, 2014)

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Culture assimilation 101: • adapt appropriate hand gestures. • always buy obnoxious hat. Crossing the Brazil-Argentina border. (July, 2014)

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A double rainbow made an appearance this day. I couldn’t capture it in the picture but I did have the perfect backdrop.

Foz do Iguacu, Brasil.

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Gunning for Colombia with me! Salvador de Bahía, Brasil Colombia vs. Brasil (2014).

[thisgypsyheartofmine]

I remember this picture well. It was my 21st birthday. I stood in the middle of the room insisting that I NEEDED to pop champagne. You know, like in the movies. After all the “omg Leila, please donts” from everyone, you walked up to me and said “you gotta shake it first then hold it out, let me help you.”

Champagne went everywhere and as I doubled over with laughter while everyone yelled & complained, you walked over (also laughing) & with your ever-calming precence said “ok that’s enough Maritza, here let me serve.”

This year I won’t have you around to encourage and laugh at my insane ideas.

I’ve chosen not to celebrate the day that I love most for a couple of reasons. Every year, without fail, I get sad prior to my birthday, I stress about plans, sometimes (most times) cancel everything, then spend a day examining where I am in life, where I’d like to be, my accomplishments, my failures, the good things & people around me, the toxic ones, the things I discovered, the lessons I learned… Always to end up un-cancelling plans & spending an amazing night being showered w/ love & attention.

This year, however, I cannot feel anything other than darkness. An absolute & consuming darkness. As I try to examine my 25 years on this earth I cannot bring myself to move past the crippling pain that I feel within my soul –because heartache and loss, I have felt– but this kind of hurt I feel at the very core of my existence. It comes by unannounced and leaves me struggling to retain a hold on my mind, oftentimes it pulls away at my soul and threatens to break me into a million pieces.

So this year, I do not wish for a happy birthday, instead I wish for one filled w/ courage to do what is required of me & the strength to push forward. One filled w/ determination to continue no matter how many times I may falter & a calmness that will settle over my troubled soul. Today, do not wish me a happy birthday, rather, wish me a courageous birthday.

Perhaps next year I will continue making a huge deal about my birthday again. Or perhaps I never will again. Either way, we’ll need to wait to find out.

[thisgypsyheartofmine]

My life has become bitter remnants of happier times.

[thisgypsyheartofmine]

Leoncito mio.

He asked me what made me the happiest. In between tears I replied that I no longer knew or cared. He told me to try to think, to try and remember. I said, “traveling, traveling makes me the happiest.” 

She asked me what, up to this point, I had loved most about my life. I said, “my ability to have been able to drop everything, pack my bags and leave. And finding that it all worked out.” She said, “So your courage.”

The darkness is so absolute, that it is suffocating. I cannot bring myself to speak of my pain for it is too great, too constant. But I have felt happiness before –even if it seems like a distant fading reality– I cannot deny that the feeling has been present in my life before. And I think perhaps that that, I might be able to speak of. 

I originally started chronicling my experiences traveling as a means to keep my family and friends updated on my life. But I think I will start posting pictures of my travels again, this time as a means to attempt to find my way back to myself. Because even if I cannot speak of my pain, I can speak of the time when I broke free and felt the happiest I had ever felt. Because I understand that I need to find the courage to move forward and because I know that even if right now his memory brings nothing but excruciating pain, one day I will be able to openly speak about him; and speak of his life and of his light without feeling like my chest is crumbling in on itself restricting my very breath. One day I will –maybe not in a year, or five, maybe not even in a decade. But one day.

[thisgypsyheartofmine]

I envy the people that can so openly speak of their pain. The ones that dig deep into their rot and open their wounds up, with zero reservations as to how they may be perceived.

I wonder what takes more courage, to hide your pain, or to openly share it with the world?

[thisgypsyheartofmine]

March 2nd, 2014

sushi. sushi. SUSHI. 

Reason number 35 of why I will miss Japan.