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One for you, Camus.

Find things you can obsess over.

Find a hobby. Paint. Write. Make sculptures. Be an amateur chef.

Don’t bide your time.

Don’t create distractions.

This is not about finding ways to waste minutes.

This is not the act of occupying your mind so you can put the suffering

out to pasture for a while.

Find something and embrace it.

Devour it.

Suck it dry like a plum.

Envelope yourself in it.

Become entranced by it. Go all in.

Love soccer. Love vacuum cleaners. Dig into engines. Buy a beat up home and make it into a castle, then start again.

Heap every living feeling you have into it.

Take moments to reflect upon it. Appreciate the moment.

This life makes no sense.

Embrace the senselessness and fall in love with it.

And make things.

Make Camus proud.

An alien sex ed class

“MOST BEAUTIFUL”

INT - LOCKER ROOM GYM

WE SEE KEVIN, 20S. HE’S JUST WORKED OUT AND WASHED FROM THE SHOWER. TOWEL AROUND HIS WAIST HE’S MINDING HIS OWN BUSINESS.

JUST WHEN HE DROPS THE TOWEL, JIM, AN OLD STEARN LOOKING GUY WALKS BY AND SPOTS KEVIN’S DICK.

JIM: Oh my god.

KEVIN: What?

JIM STARING AT KEVIN’S JUNK.

JIM: It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

KEVIN TRIES TO COVER HIMSELF BUT JIM GETS IN REAL CLOSE FOR A LOOK.

JIM: Can I touch it?

JIM REACHES IN AND KEVIN SLAPS HIS HAND AWAY.

KEVIN: No.

JIM: Hey Mark…come over here! You have to see this.

IN COMES MARK, AROUND THE SAME AGE AS JIM.

MARK: What’s up….ooooooh.

MARK CATCHES A GLIMPSE AT KEVIN’S DICK AND GETS CLOSE JUST LIKE JIM.

JIM: Isn’t it beautiful?

MARK: It’s glorious.

JIM: I feel like…I feel like I might cry.

JUST THEN FOUR GUYS WITH MIDDLE AGED DUDES RACKETS IN THEIR HANDS WALK BY AND NOTICE THE SPECTACLE. THE LEADER, DEREK, SAYS…

DEREK: Jesus…Is that? It’s…it’s…precious. Do you guys see it?

THEY ALL KNEEL IN TO GET A CLOSER LOOK.

STEVEN: Is it glowing?

JIM: No…it’s more like humming.

DEREK: I think it’s definitely imitating some sort of energy.

STEVEN: I feel funny.

MARK: Yea. It’s like looking into the eyes of an angel.

WE SLOW DOLLY ACROSS EACH MAN’S AMAZED FACE. THEY ALL LOOK IN AWE OF THE MAJESTY BEFORE THEM. WE LAND ON JIM WITH A SINGLE TEAR DOWN HIS CHEEK.

KEVIN: I have to go now…soooo.

DEREK: Can we take a picture with it?

FLASH AS A PICTURE IS BEING TAKEN AND THE GROUPS SAYS CHEESE.

INSERT: PICTURE OF THE GROUP. IN BETWEEN KEVIN’S LEG IS A GLOWING LIGHT AND THE MEN FLANKED ON EITHER SIDE, PROUD.

CSPAN: LIVE AND UNCUT SKETCH

CSPAN LIVE AND UNCUT

OPEN ON CUTS OF THE WEIRDEST CLIPS OF GOV’T ON CSPAN.

ANC: If you love the wacky and wild world of CSPAN. You haven’t seen nothing yet.

TITLE: CSPAN LIVE AND UNCUT

ANC: Introducing CSPAN LIVE AND UNCUT.

CUT TO A SCENE OF THAT GUY PRESENTING WITH A GIANT SNOWBALL TO SHOW GLOBAL WARMING ISN’T HAPPENING. AND OTHER SILLY CSPAN GOV’T FOOTAGE OF PEOPLE SPEAKING ON THE FLOOR.

ANC: That’s right, everything that happens on the floor of the senate and the house…All the hilarious speeches, funny filibusters and laugh out loud performances on one Blue Ray. Enjoy never-see-before moments that will have you saying "God Bless America.”

CUT TO RHODE ISLAND SENATOR DOING A CARD TRICK. HE PULLS OUT A CARD.

ANC: Like the democratic senator from rhode island performing mystifying magic tricks.

SEN: Is this your card? Is this your card?

CUT TO A WOMAN PRETENDING TO BE A CELLPHONE.

ANC: The Republican from West Virginia, Shelly Moore Capito, doing her famous impressions of inanimate objects.

SHELLY: BUZZZZZ…I’m an iphone 7!

CUT TO GUY WITH A TIN FOIL HAT.

ANC: Dana Rohrabacher communicating with aliens.

CUT TO A SOCK PUPPET SHOW.

ANC: A puppet show by the democratic representative from Nebraska.

CUT TO A WOMAN DOING A DRAMATIC DANCE.

ANC: And a rollicking interpretive dance about tax reform by a junior senator from New Hampshire. We even have Mitch McConnell doing whatever Mitch McConnell does.

CUT TO A TURTLE.

ANC: You definitely do not want to miss your government doing what they do best. Making you laugh.

CUT TO A GUY CHUCKING MILK.

ANC: We’ve got Congressman from Alaska chugging milk.

CUT TO TEXAS REP IN A COWBOY HAT BLOWING BALLOON ANIMALS.

ANC: A representative from Texas doing balloon animals.

CUT TO A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE JOHN MCCAIN WITH A GUITAR SINGING DESPACITO.

ANC: And we even have John McCain and Nancy Pelosi performing an intimate duet rendition of Despacito.

JOHN: (SINGING) Despacito…Quiero respirar tu cual despacio…

CUT TO THROUGH MORE CLIPS.

ANC: It can be yours for just $29.99. So what are you waiting for? We’re making America great again. One LOL at a time.

CUT TO CHEESY CALL NOW END CARD.

ANC: Call now and get Filibloopers for free. Call 1-800-678_MAGA. THAT’S 1-800-678-MAGA. Oh say can you see the funniest CSPAN CLIPS ALL ON ONE BLUE RAY? YES YOU CAN! CSPAN LIVE AND UNCUT.

Took five minutes

“THE REVIEW”

OPEN ON CONFERENCE CALL BETWEEN AN ADVERTISING AGENCY AND THE CLIENT. THE AGENCY IS SHOWING THEIR CLIENT A FIRST CUT OF A COMMERCIAL. JUST WRAPPING UP THEIR LITTLE MINI PRESENTATION. ON THE AGENCY SIDE THERE’S A CREATIVE TEAM AND ACCOUNT PERSON.

ACCT: And that’s it. We’re really happy with how the spot turned out. We’ll have to move a few things around of course but we’re really excited to get this edit locked and finished. So...what do you guys think?

THEY WAIT PATIENTLY. THEN THE MAIN CLIENT SPEAKS.

CLIENT: Wow guys. I gotta say. This is great stuff. Compared to some of the spots we’ve done in the past...it’s brilliant work guys. Totally going to take us to the next level. But I want to throw it to the team real quick. Cassie...what do you think?

CASSIE: I...I don’t really get it. I mean...there’s no beginning or end. It’s just kind of dark. And gross.

CLIENT: Hmmmm....dark and gross. Okay...Thanks Cassie for that perspective...Kevin, what about you? What do you think?

KEVIN: Yea, dark and gross for sure. But to me the music sounds like a dog farting into a plastic bag filled with grape fruit. It’s just not awe inspiring...there’s no emotion.

CLIENT: Hmmmm. Interesting perspective.

ACCT: Okay..well...

CLIENT: Hold on...I’ve got the rest of the team here. Uh. Anybody else? Tamara’s our resident millennial on the social team...Tamara?

TAM: As a millennial it’s not really resonating with me...It’s like...I mean, I was just watching it and sort of was just feeling numb. It’s too much of a commercial...you know?

CLIENT: Right Tamara...It is very commercially for a commercial. Okay...I’ve got my cousin here from Tulsa on the line. He’s a real slice of middle America. Help us tap into that demo. Bob...you on the line?

BOB: Yea I’m a little drunk. So I don’t know if I was watching what you guys were watching. But I just want to see more tits...You know. Like sex sells. Or just a little cleave. Or at least a nipple that kind of pokes out. Yea...you’re gonna need way more nipple.

CLIENT: Good insight bob. Okay...who else on the team. Cicilia...you there? Cicila’s our resident Hispanic office custodian. What’d you think Cicilia...

CICILIA: Que? Tu madres?

CLIENT: Totally...totally. Alright Jordan...I want to hear from you. Jordan’s our in-house graphic designer. We don’t really trust him to come up with stuff like this but he’s got a really good eye.

JORDAN: Hey guys. How are you guys doing? It’s just not there for me. I was really hoping to see something like that Nike spot. I mean...that Nike spot was just epic and it was great seeing all those celebrities in there. I know I wasn’t really here in the initial phases of concept but...I just hate the concept.

CLIENT: Very true, Jordan...You’re right there...hmmmm...Okay we just showed the spot to a couple of just random people walking by. Just complete strangers...random nobodies. What do you guys think?

WOMAN: I’ve totally seen it before.

SFX: A DOG BARKING

CLIENT: What’s that? That’s Seymour. My dog. What do you think, little buddy?

SFX: BARKING.

CLIENT: He says the beginning and ending are vague and boring and the middle is just kind of blah. Anybody else on the team? Hello? No? Well that’s our feedback.

A VERY LONG PAUSE.

ACCT: Alright...So just to make sure we’re on the same page. The spots really dark and gross. The music sounds like a bag full of dog farts. It’s too much of a commercial. Show some nipple. Make it more like that Nike spot.. That all sounds...aaaah...actionable?

CLIENT: That’s it. Again...you guys. This is probably the best commercial we’ve done. We’re really excited to see what the next cut looks like.

#sellingforfun #writingforfun #craigslist

#craigslistads #writingforfun #sellingforfun

Everybody wants to be the best. To be at the top. To be the biggest. To be number one. The only problem is we can’t all be the best. There’s only one spot at the top. But when you think about it. Not being the best isn’t the worst after all. See the problem being the ‘so-called’ best is that’s all you are. That’s it. Story over. And that’s just...boring. The best stop learning. The best stop growing. The best have only one place to look...and that’s down. Sure, when you’re not the best you may not be the most popular. You may not be the biggest. Or have access to all the things that come with being the best. But here’s the thing.. You can better than the best. When you’re not the best, you can be whatever you want to be. You can be different. You can be the new up-and-comer. You can be the innovator. Instead of leading the pack. You can lead a revolution. You can be what the best can’t be... Because they’re too busy being the best. So bring that chip on your shoulder. We’ll bring the salsa. And let’s make you Cinderella. Because the one thing everybody loves more than the so-called best. Is an underdog.

Just make something. But don’t just make anything. Leave the wallpaper for your grand mom’s house. You have to make it weirder...cooler...stronger. Make it tragic. Make it twisted. Make them cry. Then make them die with laughter. Make them feel the love. Then make them feel the pain. Make them come together. Then make them debate it. Make them hate it because they wish they made it. Make it meme something. Make it on film. Make it on canvas. Make it on skin. Make it on the news. Make it so they take it. Steal it. Break it. Make it so they remake and remake and remake it. Mold it. Craft it. Write it. Film it. Stick to it. Throw it away. Then make it better. Make it for the underdog. The misunderstood. The masses. Make them question everything. Then make them answer the question. Just make that shit. But whatever you do. Whatever you do. Remember, other people are out there making too. And life is short. So if you’re going to make something. Don’t waste your time, money or heart. Just make it matter. Or don’t make it at all.

“ZARDOZ BEANS”

OPEN ON A BALDING MIDDLE AGED EVERYMAN IN LEATHER CHAIR HE HOLDS UP A CAN OF ZARZOZ BAKED BEANS AND TALKS TO CAMERA.

BILL: Everybody wants to know: What makes Zardoz Beans taste so good? Could it be the farm fresh beans? Or maybe it’s the sauce? Actually, Imma you let in on a little secret. Roll that been footage.

CUT TO A SET UP OF BOWLS OF BAKED BEANS. FROM OUT OF FRAME THINGS GO INTO THE BEAUTIFUL BOWLS OF BEANS LIKE HAIR, LOOSE CHANGE, CONDOMS. IT CREATES A CRAZY DISGUSTING MESS.

BILL: It’s all the anuses, lips and teets. That’s right a lot more than beans go into every can of Zardoz beans that gives it its signature flavor. Like human body hair and dry skin patches collected in gym bathrooms. Used condoms, bum spit and loose change found on public transportation. And if you’re lucky, you might just find a syringe too. Oh, and don’t forget the sawdust. Best of all it’s all from right here in America.

CUT BACK TO BILL.

BILL: And that’s what makes Zardoz baked beans Zardoz baked beans. Ain’t that right boy? ... Come ‘ere boy?

CUT OUT TO A WIDE SHOT. BILL LOOKS AROUND FOR HIS DOG WHO’S NOT THERE.

BILL: Well...we must’ve used him too.

CUT BACK IN CLOSE WITH BILL HOLDING UP THE BEANS.

BILL: Taste what all the talks about. Try Zardoz baked beans.

CUT TO PACKAGE SHOT WITH LOGO UP.

BILL: We put stuff in it.

#100daywriteproject #beans #commercial #yum

“AHHHHHOFFICE” :30

SFX: TYPICAL OFFICE ROOM TONES. PAPERS, A PRINTER, SOME OC CHATTER.

OPEN ON AN OFFICE, DAY. WE SEE A NERDY GUY IN SHORT SLEEVE BUTTON UP AND TIE TYPING AWAY. HE PICKS UP A CAN OF ZEVIA SODA, TAKES A DEEP DRINK AND DOES THE CLICHE COMMERCIAL...

JIM: AHHHHHHHHHH...

IT KEEPS GOING AND GOING. HE DOESN’T STOP. YOU THINK THE SOUNDS OF REFRESHING REFRESHMENT WILL STOP BUT IT DOESN’T. SUDDENLY PEOPLE AROUND JIM START TO TAKE NOTICE. BUT HE KEEPS GOING EXPERIENCING HIS OWN PERSONAL REFRESHING BLISS.

JIM: ...AHHHHHHHHHHH.

IT LASTS FOR THE FULL THIRTY SECONDS EVEN WHEN SUPERS COME UP AND FADES OUT.

VO: Zevia sugar-free soda.

LOGO UP.

VO: It’s more refreshing than refreshing.

#100daywriteproject #soda #commercial

BELIEVING IN SHIT

Things I think about creating advertising. Be brave. Be fun.

Have a point of view or get out.

Opinions aren’t like assholes. Clichés are. They stink.

If you need an award show to feel validated see a therapist.

I know that you know that I know that you know you’re advertising to me.

Don’t write funny. Write about funny things.

If people don’t care, does the work even exist?

Make things people will hate.

Don’t make ads. We make news.

If it sucks it’s everyone’s fault.

Your phone should only be number one when you’re doing a number two.

Leave a trail of good work behind.

Never be boring.

Failure is totally an option.

Failing can be fun.

Make it weirder.

Wear comfortable clothing to concept.

Poke the bear every day.

Let’s talk about the things everybody else won’t.

Start at the end, please.

It’s only taboo until you talk about it.

#100daywriteproject

Okay, let’s try this again.

HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS

By Axel Slaughter

You want to be successful. You want to be more than just some wallflower in the office. You want to be at the top. And I can help get you there. Just follow my steps to business success in the business world. After I did a stint in county and a semi-successful career in semi-amateur backyard wrestling I got into business. What kind of business? None of your fucking business, business. For nearly fifteen years and several months I’ve been a seasoned business professional doing business almost every day of the week and sometimes on weekends. From your first day at the office to your last you have to punch business in its face. Here are some helpful tips, tricks and go-tos, you too can be a busy business pro at business like me.

Make your mark. You have to let your company know who is boss, that includes your boss. So on your first day walk right up to the head person in charge and punch them in the throat. Then pee on them. That sends the message that you are here to rock and that you won’t be messed with.

Give yourself a nickname. If you want to be top cock you can’t be Bob Smith. People don’t listen to Mitch Smithers. They listen to names with power. Chuck Powerthrust, Rock Slab, Hooks Menard, Snake. Pick your business name wisely. It fucking matters.

Attire. Business casual is for pussies. Throw your pleated khakis in the garbage. You need to wear something that says you bring it 110 percent of the time, 200 percent of the time. Spiked shoulder pads, leather gloves and ass-less chaps. That’s the fucking uniform of a titan of business.

Meeting Conduct. Fuck conduct. Interrupt people repeatedly. The loudest voice in the room is the most dominating voice in the room. Always bring donuts. Play metal at max in the conference room speakers.

Work space. People often talk about how plants are soothing and lift your spirits. They’re tree hugging asshats. You’re grinding 24/7. Make that hovel your home. Have a pet tarantula. Then let that fucker loose to keep your coworkers on your their toes. Set up a homemade toilet with a bucket and make toilet hooch. Bring a microwave and cook fish all the fucking time. Step into my office, forever!

Resignation. They didn’t fire you. You quit! And when you do you let them know with gusto. Make them remember you for the rest of your life. First, you go by a window, preferably in the highest floor of your company building. Then you scream “I fucking quit.” Jump out the window. Legend.

JUST SOME SCREENPLAY IDEAS

Two improv actors are forced to act their way out of a hostage situation at an Apple Store and uncover a Russian plot to control technology.

It’s discovered that Trump’s hair is actually an alien life form hell bent on speeding up climate change causing human extinction.

A fastfood worker’s meteoric rise to manager, but along the way he’s made some mortal enemies that he’ll have to face after closing time.

Babies unexplainably begin shooting acid out of their asses. A grizzled ex-Secret Service agent is called to uncover the evil plot behind the madness.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy’s dog and begins a relationship that nobody, not even her bestfriends or psychiatrists understand.

A failed standup kidnaps America’s most popular comedians and forces them to partake in a funny or die death match. TO THE DEATH!

Becky Whitmore makes a wish on her 45th birthday that she’ll meet the man of her dreams. But her dream turns into a nightmare when George Clooney, Ryan Gosling and an undead Frank Sinatra come in one disgusting package at her door.

As a young boy he’s had a dream to take the instrument he loves to the Boston Philharmonic. When he gets the chance to show the world that armpit farts deserve to be center stage, will his sweaty palms let him down? Or will he become The Fartist?

A nursing home’s funding is cut and it’s about to be shutdown. But when the residents band together, learn how to use the internet and create a senior nude cam site, they getmore than they bargain for.

A man wakes up to discover he’s been transformed into a cheeseburger in this American twist on a Franz Kafka classic. Will he eat himself?!?

#100daywriteproject #screenplay

THE VOICE

He had a voice of gold

As rare as a black swan

As pure as a fresh warm breeze billowing through silk curtains

Majestic in its textures

Complex in its tone

Alien in its features

Yet as familiar as the loving touch of a mother’s hand

Baritone and bass and in between the octaves

This voice makes an adolescent out of the “Voice Of God”

Makes crooners sound like crows

Makes generations of Sinatras blush

And the Michael Buffer a dying orca on the beach

Every word striking with colors

Purple and oranges. Browns and red-browns. Sarcolines, smaragdines, mikados, amaranth and xanadus all mixing together like thick paint pushing the spectrum to unknown undiscovered range.

For if the eyes could see what the ears could hear one would be sent slowly into madness knowing that this might be the singular most exquisite sight witnessed in ones life.

And over the speakers he said...

”Price check on foot powder. Price check on foot powder.”

“LUCKY”

FIRST SCENE IDEA OF A SCREENPLAY BEING WORKED OUT.

EXT. THE FLAT ASS STREETS OF THE MOST BORING TOWN IN THE HISTORY OF TOWNS, WICHITA FUCKING KANSAS — DAY.

MUSIC IN: Mr. Mister “Broken Wings”

Welcome to Wichita. It’s balls-sticking hot. And the sun hangs over like a giant “fuck you” to the Earth. A funeral procession enters into frame driving through the streets toward a jerkoff’s final resting place. 30 or so cars snake through the beige streets of a beige town.

At the end of the procession of standard automobiles is a brand spanking new bright yellow Ferrari. Or what’s left of it at least.

It’s barely hanging in there as it tries to keep up with the line of cars. The state of it is fucked. The grill is smashed in. The driver’s side door is missing. And the word “Pussytard” is emblazoned on the side.

EXT. ST. ANTHONY’S CEMETERY.

A gold framed photo of the douchiest smirking dickhead you ever saw sits by a casket covered in flowers. A pastor says some canned stuff about life and death.

EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE FERRARI

Broken Wings (a fucking classic!) is blaring from the speakers abruptly turns off. A cigarette drops and his snuffed out by one of two dirty ass converse that hit the pavement.

EXT. FUNERAL

Paul walking from his fucked up Ferarri, giant bottle of Ten High Whiskey in hand, stumbles toward the mourning mini-crowd dressed in black. Stunned, the pastor’s gospel trails to mumbles. All eyes are on Paul as he takes a swig of Whiskey, spits it at an old lady, unbuckles his belt, drops trou and pisses a thick and ropey stream all over the casket...then pukes.

BLACK.

#100daywriteproject #Luckyscript #learning #Lottery #screenplay #writing

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