Mind Matters

A small space for my mind and soul.

[thisisbigzee]

It’s dark today, very dark.

[thisisbigzee]

36 ..

I have to celebrate my 36th birthday with you, but you will not be at my 37th birthday bash next year. I plan to celebrate life and not you.  

Going through this journey with you, has taught me a lot. I can't consider you a friend yet, but you have created a fire inside me that I am thankful for. I learned to let go of the negative thoughts I had pushed deep down inside myself and to release the emotions that were harming me physically. I will not let you have the last dance. No, sir.

I had enough of you, i hope it's our very last time together.

[thisisbigzee]

I cried my heart out today when i saw your hair clips today Jojo, I kept kissing it if it was you .. I wish i can hug you again .. I wish i can see you & feel you again

I am such a bad mom

[thisisbigzee]

This is for you Kanu, today is just for you

I miss you ..

[thisisbigzee]

Treatment day and there are some weird ass vibes in this waiting room

[thisisbigzee]

Sigh .. it’s been so long since i wrote anything! But since i am not so consistent with therapy or training so i guess this is what i really need right now.

The dark blue cold isolated room made me emotionless i guess, i always read stories of patients going to support groups, practice a new hobby or get closer to people they love to feel safe, loved and get some emotional and physical support to go through this unpleasant phase .. but i never asked myself how am i coping with this? I am hiding in my place most of the time giving my mind the opportunity to overthink everything and sometimes write the last chapters of my life, is this what they call depression?

Everything feels so heavy lately .. I used to escape and go to work or train heavy as stress relief but this isn’t the case anymore, work has become more stressful than ever and my body is barely doing the daily activities and “sometimes:” training

I laughed when i was booking for Saturday’s session today and asked the receptionist about the color of the radiotherapy room, she said “it’s white! Like any other hospital room!” I laughed loudly and said I am so happy that it’s not blue! I am sure that she wrote on my file “mental disorder” but who cares .. I am still happy that i won’t see that dark room ever again.

Here I am

Broken wings

Quiet thoughts

Unspoken dreams