claudia @thisisclaudiaspeaking - Tumblr Blog

29. I never thought I would make it to this age. Having no thought or plans for the future is a different struggle. But today, I prayed for a life well lived. Today, I am hopeful.

Despite the sadness I grew up with, it did made me a funny person. I find myself funny -- because I am funny! I make myself laugh. I don't know about other people. But yes, sometimes. There's also one other person I want to make laugh. And that is my wife.

My wife, Catherin, is honestly the best thing to happen to me. She is my forever gift from thw universe. She is healing something in me just by being herself. I love her so much.

But today, I am going to be selfish and love me the most.

Happy 29th birthday, Odette! You are the person that you think you are. There is no doubt about that. Do not care if you have sworn enemies now. That means they simply can't forget you. But that also means that it is NOW okay with you that there are people who would hate you to their core. And that is okay. To be hated and to not care, is one of the most freeing things we can ever do in this world.

So start doing the work. You are on your way to your 30s. Time to level up on your job, financials, in life in general.

You are still so capable of everything.

I love you.

#SoundCloud

I finally got the new job at the company I was aiming for.

I did not mind the low salary at first until I have to do overtime everyday.

I believe everyone goes through the phase where they feel the dumbest if they're new at their job.

I am still fairly new, I would say, since I start here two months ago. Although I am aware how the line of business works, there are still processes that I haven't encountered during our nesting. We have SMEs in every team, however, I don't think they like helping.

Don't get me wrong, I am getting the hang of it. It's just that, sometimes, the littlest of interactions make and break the newbie in me. I like that the workmates are fun, the production floor is lively, and the shift starts late in the morning. But there is a but. And it's not a but I want to keep on tolerating.

The account glorifies overworking!

The basic bay is 13 k a month. Plus the 2k incentives and the 1k attendance allowance.

Now sum it all up and tell me how to budget my meals thrice a day with that salary.

I don't know why I keep coming back to the BPO industry.

Maybe I'm stuck and I don't know how to do anything about it.

Save me.

I feel so lost.

I don't know what to do.

I want someone to save me, but nobody comes.

I try to be my own hero but I always fail.

I asked for help, it came, but still is not enough.

Everyday I'm left with the same question: What should I do with my life?

I feel like I have sunk down rock bottom. Again.

I fall asleep with anxiety every night.

And I wake up worries of the future.

Will somebody actually save me from myself?

I never thought that life is actually easy.

Growing up has been painful for me. And I just realized that when I became an adult. I grew up thinking that happiness is rare and hard to find. I grew up thinking that families are dysfunctional. I grew up thinking that marriages don't last.

I am the eldest. I didn't have any good role model growing up. My parents had an on and off marriage. My mother had changed boyfriends like she changed phone numbers. My father was not a good provider and felt like a distant family friend.

As the eldest, I had to be the perfect daughter. I was an archiever. I was the third parent. I was everyone's best friend in the family.

Now that I became an adult, with a frontal-lobe fully developed, I realized I shouldered a lot of responsibilities that weren't supposed to be mine.

Life wasn't supposed to be that hard when you were just growing up and finding your place in the world.

Huh. I wonder how I turned out to be if I just grew up normal.

28. Something is new. I have met the love of my life a few months after my 27th birthday. She came late. But it was all worth it. She makes me the happiest and I feel more than lucky --- I feel blessed --- to have her in my life today.

My sister, whom I love so dearly, is expecting. I am going to love another human being again. My brother is in ZC. And both of my parents are blocked on my socials. They've been disappointing mw every now and then. And now that Colet need them the most, all they do is whatever they do best --- neglect us.

But through it all, I am still forever grateful of my sister and my brother. They are the ones I am holding on for dear life. And now that I have Catherin, I am loving life. We go on nature dates. She helps me see more of the world around me.

I am also planning on a new endeavor. I am going to find a new job. Hopefully sooner. I need to sustain not just my needs now. I am going to take this seriously this time. I just need to believe more of myself.

I thanks the Almighty for every good thing that happened, is happening, and will happen to me. Thank you oh dear Lord.

Life is here now!

#Spotify

I love doom scrolling on tiktok. My for you page is full of different trends and whatnots of today. As a gen z, I keep up with it.

Then I stumbled upon a video that says when we were born, God has already shown us how our life on earth goes, we saw something worth living and that's why we have chosen this life.

Trust me, I'd like to believe in that very same thought. But I don't like the life I'm living right now.

I am good at swimming but I am drowning in debt. Creditors kept on contacting me but I turned my phone number off to avoid them. But my anxiety has kept on watching me.

My wife, whom I love and adore so much, doesn't even know the whole truth about my current status. I am not afraid to tell her but I am ashamed.

I messed up. I don't have any clue how to fix the problem I have caused. I am the only one to blame for all of this. But all I want to do is run away from all my responsibilities.