yes hello again it’s me @thisismespiraling - Tumblr Blog

i just. know i’ve never been someone’s first choice or number one person and i genuinely want to feel that i want to know what that feels like

#feelings #this has knocked me sideways and it’s all i can think about #yikes

feeling awful send help

#rambling #i'm getting sick this isn't gonna be cute

i want to SCREAM

#this is me screaming pls disregard #feelings

#feelings #make it make sense honestly

i think probably the worst feeling in the world is not being missed

#feelings #this isn’t anything abt anyone specific this is just a rant of weird feelings xoxoxo #i know a lot of the specifics of feeling this way have to do with my own personal experiences w people even if the feeling in general isn’t #just a me thing? but god. it’s ? so ?? not it #meaning i have a lot of Feelings surrounding. not expecting anything of people (even if i Could/should) and esp not expecting anything of #anyone that wouldn’t/shouldn’t do the thing in question #so it’s not like i’m Expecting anyone to like. miss me or whatever???#but there’s something so……….. idk …. abt being missed (and being told you’re missed)#not that it’s a good thing bc that’s a weird thing to say but there’s something so 🥺💞💖 abt someone telling you they missed you??? yknow #bc it’s almost like . you feel like you Add something when you’re there and when you’re not there people miss you and it Feels Different #when you’re not there???#but when people don’t notice a difference or it feels very much to you like there’s no difference or they don’t feel or act differently #it’s kinda disheartening in a way? idrk how to explain these are just a bunch of feelings #and this is in no way some kind of . oh everyone should be unhealthily attached to me and miss me all the time and wanna be with me all the #time LMFAO no . i mean in a regular oh i missed you the other day kinda way in a oh i was wondering where you were kinda way? i think #or not a we were wondering more like . oh we knew you weren’t gonna br there it’s so good to see you know #very much i am aware this has to do with my self esteem being down the drain in many areas lol i know that. i just needed to verbalize this #this isn’t because i expect people to miss me bc like i said i would never expect something from someone bc that’s just not how i roll my #expectations of people are basically on the floor bc . issues . BUT what i am saying is that i kinda wish i was missed more #that makes no sense and sounds awful but ? i wish i felt like people missed me when i’m gone from like regular situations or whatever #this is vague on purpose bc it’s not something serious or something legit it’s just jumbled feelings but #anyway if you miss or missed someone . tell them lol i’m sure it’ll make me happy to know

currently scrolling through the tags on reblogs of this shitpost i have that ? randomly blew up (that’s on us all having anxiety huh) and seeing someone who blocked me but then started a new blog after so i’m not actually blocked anymore …….. laughing

#idk if this makes any sense at all but i’m really laughing to myself #they didn’t block me bc of anything i did to them that’s the best part #oh the politics of being a mutual sometimes #rambling

thisismespiraling

sometimes when i don't know how to process information i get i just ....... start moving my body lmfao so i feel the buzzing less

thisismespiraling

on the plus side i’m not buzzing anymore but on the downside i still have no answers and that’s probably how it’ll stay

#sigh #rambling #i did however wake up still physically anxious like. why is that allowed

sometimes when i don't know how to process information i get i just ....... start moving my body lmfao so i feel the buzzing less

#guess who's absolutely VIBRATING rn #guess what #if you guessed me : you would be correct #i'm so confused i hate it here lmfao #more and more i want to just . disappear from this hellhole #more and more every single day hgjgkjhfgjk #feelings #no but actually im sitting at my desk bouncing like no one's business lmfao #it's like . i've been made aware of something #it is a factual thing #and i want to know the reasoning behind this person's personal decision lmfao #will i ask? will i ever find out? no sir

online shopping for clothing is sending my body dysmorphia ……… off the charts sjldlfkdldkdjkdld

#feelings #tw body dysmorphia #it’s like i can’t bring myself to order the size i know i should i just order up jskdlfkdkkddkjdkdkfjdk

thisismespiraling

waiting for someone to text you back and having such a strong feeling that they won’t is …… not it

thisismespiraling

waiting on this person again stay tuned for updates lol

thisismespiraling

they texted me about something completely unrelated and in response i just sent them a tiktok about how i could die in a hurricane for shock value because yes on occasion i am harmlessly petty thank you for asking

thisismespiraling

shock value succeeded thank you very much

#lol let’s see how long it takes them to text me back after this #rambling #i’m not petty really i just miss them being around more and . as a friend

thisismespiraling

waiting for someone to text you back and having such a strong feeling that they won’t is …… not it

thisismespiraling

waiting on this person again stay tuned for updates lol

thisismespiraling

they texted me about something completely unrelated and in response i just sent them a tiktok about how i could die in a hurricane for shock value because yes on occasion i am harmlessly petty thank you for asking

#rambling #lmfao #i’m not dying in a hurricane dw #there’s a hurricane watch but i’m not dying lol

thisismespiraling

waiting for someone to text you back and having such a strong feeling that they won’t is …… not it

thisismespiraling

waiting on this person again stay tuned for updates lol

#feelings #i love them and i know they’re dealing w a lot but i feel so 🧍🏻‍♀️ idk

socially, tumblr feels like high school sometimes

#i think this all the time and sometimes it just whacks me over the head all over again lmfao #this is not a positive attribute but it is what it is things like that are bound to happen in #any semi social situation it’s just how it is y’know #rambling

ssa-m-187

tumblr is a unique evil where the good draws you in and then when you stay it simultaneously makes you feel so shitty that you wanna leave but there’s all this good you wanna stick around for but then it makes you feel awful again but you really want the good again so you stay but—

#never mind deleting it lmfao #have it here instead #feelings

a whole ass rant

the thing about caring too much literally always and also being a people pleaser and also having anxiety (etc etc etc) is that i don't need other people to stay mad at me about things i'll straight up do it for them lmao (lmao but so not). i literally can't for my life stop holding myself accountable for . things in general. especially when there was at one point in time something to apologize for, even if it was a mistake with zero bad intentions behind it. i will ? never not feel guilty for making said mistake and god i fucking wish i didn't care everything would be ? so much easier that way??? if i could just go fucking full reputation era and make them out to be the bad guy in my own head (or honest to god to someone else if i were to tell over the Tale of what happened) but i literally can't because i'm plagued with guilt despite apologizing and doing whatever i can. and the fact that they are still not Neutral on the subject after months just continues to fuel the fire in me blaming myself and basically makes me feel Worse even though realistically i know nothing has changed in terms of the situation and yes i did everything i could and no they owe me absolutely nothing and in no way do they have to feel neutral or even remotely good about things i'm just so fucking frustrated at myself for continuing to feel so genuinely awful bc. hi brain get the memo it's not getting you anywhere you did what you could and that's the end of the story y'know? but somehow knowing they still care and still feel Something about it is so unpleasant and gets my wheels turning and i feel nauseous with guilt all over again and i just fucking wish i WISH i could shift the blame off myself and have it in me to make them out as the bad guy but i fucking don't because that's just how i am i take every ounce of anything remotely not good in a friendship/relationship and blame it on myself bc . then it's something i can apologize for and not have to think of the other person badly i guess? and i do this so much even when it's so clearly not my fault not even anyone's fault i just get Anxious and feel Guilty so i apologize left and right. but in situations where there's actually something that went wrong on my part something for me to apologize for something to feel guilty for???? i still feel like i'm drowning in it and it's been actual months lmfao. so why do they still care why do EYE still care y'know? UGH RTDFGJHKLHGFHJKLHGFDHJKLHJGHFDHJKL;JHGFJKL;JHGFJKLHJGFDHJKJGFDHJKLHGFD

#feelings #holy hell a rant if i've ever seen one #do not feel obligated to ask me about this i'm really fine i promise #yes i'm being dramatic i just had to get all this out into the void #however i did block them back and while that does nothing cuz i wasn't even following them it does however hide my messages w them so #they're much less accessible for me to fucking reread over and over again lmfao

sometimes i really just think about how some people can’t just let others have an opinion or just enjoy certain things without reading into (nonexistent) subtext about why they think those things and then proceed to call them out on the (nonexistent) subtext

#rambling #in short just ? let people breathe and don’t make everything something to fight over #no i will not be elaborating

nevermind it seems i’ve been derailed time for distraction mode

#god. i hate my brain #feelings

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yes hello again it’s me