This Mommas Journey

Being a mom is no easy task, I hope that my words reach women who resonate with what I go through and feel encouraged by what I write.

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People wonder and talk down to her for dating the douche bag who treats her like crap, yet forget to notice that she never had a dad who showed her how she should have been treated. Don’t blame the girl, blame the dad who never bothered to love her.

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Sometimes i want to create a fake dating profile for a guy, just to see what kind of girls im up against.

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Loneliness is my most dangerous emotion

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Depression, Anxiety and Self Worth

I am the girl at the party who feels like she doesn’t belong. I am the woman who lays in an empty bed frozen with fear even though her attacker is long gone. I am the single mother juggling two babies who are cranky and hungry, trying to feed them while forfeiting the hot meal that sits in front of me. I am the girl who sits alone in the break room at work, too afraid to talk to anyone for fear of being judged or rejected. I am the mother crying in the bathroom as i stare at a body I no longer recognize, worn and disfigured from the toll my children have brought upon it. I am all of these things and so much more. Every moment of everyday, every thought a constant struggle of whether to chose the right path, whether to feed the right wolf or sink deeper into the sorrow. I am the person alone hoping and praying that someone sees me and cares.

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Parenting 101

- you will do anything for a laugh, ANYTHING.

- you will watch the same 5 movies multiple times a week

- you will read the same story over and over until you have it memorized

- they will yell A LOT which will make you want to yell A LOT

- they will test your patience

- they will climb on everything, so bolt your furniture to the wall

- they will rearrange your furniture

- they will say “yea” and “no” more than any other word in their vocabulary

- they will change their mind on foods they like in a day

- you will find the strangest substitute words for words their little ears are too young to hear

- you will use baby talk in the workplace without realizing it

- your kids will be all you talk about

- every moment of anxiety and stress will be totally worth it every time you see them smile

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Love is Easy

My best friend said recently, love is easy but relationships are hard. The way I see it, being good to your significant other should be the easy part. Its simple, treat them how you’d want them to treat you. Would you want to be cheated on? No, so don’t cheat yourself. Would you want to be lied to? No, so be honest. Don’t hold someone to standards you aren’t willing to follow too. Double standards break relationships, so don’t do it. Learn to be humble, be a good listener and communicate with the people you care about, that way tgey always know where you stand. Don’t keep people guessing, because all it does is cause people pain. Unless you’re willing to suffer heartache, don’t bring it upon others

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Terrible twos

Terrible twos has multiple meanings for me at the moment. 2 babies under 2, a baby about to be 2 and not even 2 minutes of peace.

Currently my oldest, who is now 1 and a half, has turning point. She is discovering her personality and herself. She is communicating and learning so much but she also has be pulling my hair out most days. The climbing, the tantrums, the “more” that i never know if she actually knows what “more” means. Ahhh. The constant, “what do you want! Please just tell me!” Crying because i leave the room, crying because i put her down, crying because i wont let her sit on her sisters head. (Yes that happened). Crying because momma wants to go to the bathroom by herself. Crying cuz her teeth are coming in. (Lord please help us). Lol. Cry because Momma said no to just about anything because I want to keep her safe from attempting anything dangerous. 🤦🏻‍♀️ it’s all very frustrating and tests my patience. But I gotta keep smiling right? Even when i wanna smack my head against the wall cuz i just want to make it through a meal without my kid eating most of my food.. not sure why but mommas food always seems to taste better than the same exact meal on her own plate.. 🙄.

Oh, and my little one, my goodness she can test my patience and my arm strength endurance. Almost never lets me put her down. I know they all say sometimes you gotta let them cry but seriously, do you know how hard it is to listen to your kid cry and not try to do something to stop it? She is only 3 months now so i cut her some slack. I enjoy cuddling with her but my arms feel like bricks by the end of the day. On the plus side, she’s sleeping much better at night now. This momma is finally getting some real sleep. (Thank you Jesus).

Motherhood has some awesome plus sides but it is definitely not for the faint of heart. You have to be one tough cookie to survive each day of it. I love my babies and wouldn’t trade them for the world. No matter what i do, it may never be 100% correct parenting in societys eyes, but guess what. I’m the momma and I know my children best. I am the one that handles each day and night with them so I get to decide how to parent them. All i can do is try my best each and every day and I consider that success. I try not to listen to all the nonsense on social media. Co sleep. Don’t co sleep. Vaccinate. Don’t vaccinate. Passy or no passy. Thumb sucking or no thumb sucking. When to potty train. Bedtimes. How to discipline. Eating habits. Organic foods.. who cares! Every parent reserves the right to make those decisions for themselves. The way i see it, as long as every parent has 1 thing in common then its all good. Raise your child to be a good person who adds positively to this world and not negatively and were good. We gotta push through the terrible twos so that children learn to be better people.

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Rectus Diatasis

In my opinion doctors come up with the most complicated words possible to define problems with our bodies. Like my most recent one, “Rectus Diatasis” is the separation of the abdominal muscles, which is a fancy way of saying there is a big hole in my stomach. Yay child birth. Pregnancy can really mess with a woman’s body and I find it rare when a man recognizes exactly how much women go through to bring a baby into this world. Its no bubble bath I will tell you that much. The women who have men in their lives who are supportive and understanding should consider themselves lucky, its a far better experience going through pregnancy when you have a supportive partner by your side. Just like abdominal muscules work best when they are together, so do parents. A child being forced to live two separate lives because the parents aren’t together can be extremely stressful or a child growing up with one parent acting as both roles. I find it a shame that some relationships just unfortunately can’t be mended. While someday my abs will heal, my marriage will forever be torn apart due to the pain and damage that it has endured. God heals all things with time but I think this is one broken thing he is going to leave be because in this case, my babies and I are probably better off.

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Expectations vs Reality

Today is a difficult day for me. The past year my life has gone from one extreme to another. One year ago today, the father of my children asked me to marry him in a YouTube worthy proposal. Unfortunately, we didn’t have a picture perfect relationship. In my last post I talked about how peoples lives never are as they seem on social media. I am no stranger to creating a facade to hide the truth of my horrible reality. Everyone wants their happily ever after, and I wanted mine so bad I was willing to accept and settle for a toxic relationship. I was desperate to not end up a single mother, but those are the consequences of having children before marriage. I wanted to believe that a fairytale ending was possible but the thing about fairytales is they can’t be forced. The worst thing you can do is set yourself up for failure with unrealistic expectations. Now, that doesn’t mean to set low expectations or settle for less than you deserve, but it does mean to be reasonable. If you set your expectations are unrealistic you’re only hurting yourself. In a relationship both people need to be on the same page and be honest with eachother. If both people are aware of the expectations of the other than they are less likely to get hurt. I guess the point to what I’m saying is that in life we should be fair to our hearts and not set them up to be broken.

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Real Life vs Social Media

People’s lives are never usually what they appear on social media. They say that for every happy or positive posts, there are probably close to seven negative things that person could have posted instead. Why do we hide behind masks? Why do we pretend to be these put together happy perfect people we aren’t? Why? Because the truth isn’t pretty. The truth is too real, too raw, too vulnerable. Im guilty of this, I don’t post about how my life really looks. I paint a perfect pretty picture so that no one sees how crazy and depressed or broken my life really is. Why? Fear of indifference, rejection, negativity, and a number of other things keep people from being real. Thoughts run through my mind like, “if I talked about how I really felt, no one would read it, no one would notice or even care.” But you know what? Life is not about living it for other people, its not a show or a competition. My purpose, your purpose is not to live life for likes and attention. My purpose is to raise my children; to teach them about God and life and build them into Christ following, devoted and faithful adults. Everyday is not pretty or a perfect picture, life is messy and unpredictable. I think this age of social media has created a toxic desire to be loved by everyone, it’s time people look themselves in the mirror and see their own self worth does not come from how many likes their latest post got, it comes from the fact that God loves them for exactly who they are.

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It’s not the fall that kills you, its the sudden stop at the end.

My Dad