Browsing through this site made me realize that I only get to have a yearly urge to do a blog! I even wanted to write as frequent as possible but because of forces I do not know exist, it only resulted in a futile attempt and a failed mission. Ha! Well, here I am now desiring to update my blog for an updated me.
I must be honest, there was a really big leap of change from my old self to where I am now in the present. For instance, I am no longer the single-could-not-care-less-about-the-world kind of gal. I am a blend of serious, funny, still single but now a mother of a handsome little man. Just who would have thought I will be a single mom in a year’s time!
Let us backtrack the significant details of my life before the NOW. About the same day, twelve months back, I might be lying on my bed, just woke up and still worrying why I still have not had my period. I might be thinking that it could be because I was super stressed of the negative outcome of the Bar Exam. Yes, you are right. I did not make it to the list but who knows I will be in a year or so time. Anyhow, the 21st day of April 2014, I might be looking at my laptop, or listening to Up Dharma Down’s Tadhana, or reading a book or just doing nothing. I was a bum then – the kind that makes you a better person at being a couch potato. And because I was just having the time of my life then, I thought I had hypertension or related illness when I felt dizzy or nauseous at times. You may call me a denial queen for not even welcoming the possibility of being pregnant. No, not happening, I once said. This is not morning sickness, I know! But it dawned on me a few weeks after that I am pregnant after seeing that fetus in that thin film given to me after that TVS. I will be a mother soon. In that short flashback, I could still hear the loud excitement amidst the fear inside of me.
There were a lot of things bugging me in between days, and in between hours of the day during the early pregnancy. You can just imagine how a new mom could handle that. Especially that I kept everything for personal consumption at first. Making sure I find a job so I could survive in the meantime. Until I had to tell my best friend due to urgent circumstances. And then confiding to very few special people. And some minute details occurring. You may wonder, how about the father? Well, he was and still is the insignificant detail so we might as well leave him where he is fit. Seriously, in a way, I feel betrayed and intruded by what happened to me, by what he did to me. Because I feel I should also have a say as to when I should bear a child. Besides, this is my body. Though on a different side of the story, I am also thankful for having this kind of complication. Why? Because I am on the weird, unconventional side. Let me translate that into a more understandable way. I only dreamed of having a child but not a husband. I have so many conditions that even God transcribed them as doing away with a partner. Some of these many conditions includes:
If I should be given a partner, he should be someone whom I can spend and celebrate 50 or more wedding anniversaries with. Who does not want a lifetime relationship right? When you have to get rid of the cuts and stings of loving and losing them in the end.
He should have at very compromising family – the one who would accept me and my family for who and what we are and if not, they should mind their own business.
He would understand that I am complicated. I honestly do not know if I am but I think I am in a way very complicated to handle.
I also believe, it is better to be single with a kid than having a husband who will only contribute to your burden. Apologies, but this is what I think. As I had some issues with cheaters before. Also, I am no risk-taker. I know I will not see the other side of the world unless I lose sight of the shore to sail but there’s also a good side to that. I was a lady living in her comfort zone. But not anymore. Or at least I am slowly learning to drift ashore.
After nine months and few struggles in the interim, the 3rd of January, I delivered a handsome, healthy baby boy in the C-Section after having to endure the hellish pains of labor from being induced for more than 24 hours! It was the scariest yet the best time of my life. That moment when I was called to the nursery room to breastfeed my son, I was speechless and was torn between crying and smiling – that was the most genuine feeling I have had in years. Everything makes sense. Every struggle drifted away like clouds after a rainy day. Every pain a thing of the past. Demeaning words became a music of a mute singer. Reasons are understood not by words but by what is felt from within. And all heartaches are already pointless! I felt miracles in the world of realities. God made it possible! That thing I am holding then, a tiny soul who depended on me, crying out so loud, is my own and I am his. He is my God’s gift.
Being a mother, though a tough and challenging role, is the best role I have taken yet and I will not give up on this. Not with a beautiful, growing infant at 3 months old. Never!
Baby bump and the life after that. Browsing through this site made me realize that I only get to have a yearly urge to do a blog!