The summer is nearly ended and we are not yet saved

𓇼 ˚𓆝 ⋆｡𓆟 ⋆｡𓆞˚ 𓇼

[thissummerisviolent]

and im sorry the way my moods flicker on and off like old light on your porch (but i know you wouldn't have it any other way).

This is the private vent blog of @/ [*>{>![>&. I might post art eventually. 18+

I dont wanna talk about it- Talk Tag

87 degrees- Night posting

102 degrees- Day posting

Family Jewels- family tag

No Children- Relationship tag

I wish you were a girl- Gay tag

Sayaka because

Dividers by: @/ sseuda

[thissummerisviolent]

Honey thoughts

I just don’t care enough. Feels bad to say but I can’t even bring myself to feel that bad about it. It’s mostly when I’m depressed, when I’m low all my empathy goes away and I don’t care about anyone. 

I don’t care and I got bored a year ago but in an attempt to be a slightly better person I’m sticking it out, and a bit selfishly I enjoy it. But I just like new shiny relationships, but they get boring sooooo quickly. 

I feel bad, I feel manipulative and abusive, and the way you treat me does little to dissuade that feeling. 

I don’t care about most people and it’s probably something I should bring up in therapy but man. Easier to pretend I’m normal. Everything gets boring and too much effort and disappoints me, cause nothing is ever as sweet as I get to imagine. I love ideas, I don’t care about people.

[greatestlittlegiant]

always thinking of that “i couldn’t stop wasting time” quote

[greatestlittlegiant]

song of the summer!!

[thissummerisviolent]

I just want o go home. I want want to belong somewhere anywhere please please I’ll do anything to belong anywhere please I just want someone to want me love me I need someone to miss me if I were to kill myself and I want to believe it. I want people to hurt when I kill myself I want people to cares I want you to love me please please anyone please I swear I swear I feel like a ghost I feel half dead already I just need to keep going until I’m manic again and then I’ll be be happy I just want to be manic again please I want to go home can I go home please please please I promise I’ll Do whatever just don’t make me feel like this anymore can I go home now please

[thissummerisviolent]

Sigh sometimes I think we were made in a lab to be the worst pair we could possibly be. I can’t believe we’re making it work sometimes. We are both at one of the worst point in our lives and neither of us can properly support the other. I don’t believe we’ve been dating for over a year at this point cause I still think of you saying, you don’t know me, two weeks into us calling, and I wonder. Sigh, I don’t know. I want to know you, more than that I want to be known by you, but it makes me feel shitty that it’s taken us a year and a half to get this far. I feel like you don’t know me at all, cause you act terrified to death of me, and that makes me feel so unbelievably bad. But you can’t help it, and I can’t bring it up, because your working on it already and at one of the worst point of your life. And, I feel like we barely talk anymore, it feels like the honeymoon phase is over and we’ve moved in and only exist in the same space now, too busy too separate for simple talk. There’s a hole inside of me that doesn’t care that I have a partner, it still is empty. I don’t know what to do.

My secret is I’m emptier than you. You can love me, I don’t know if I can. I can do all of the motions but not enough to reassure you. And you can’t be perfect enough for me. I keep dreaming of a white savior and I feel bad, but I don’t like having to be the brave one in a relationship. I don’t want to save anyone I want to be saved. Selfishly I know, but not selfish enough cause don’t worry I won’t abandon my post. I’ll be the rock until I break down, sorry I keep breaking down, I’ll work better to love you.

[mournfulroses]

Anne Truitt, from a diary entry featured in Daybook: The Journal of an Artist

[thissummerisviolent]

Everynight for the past month, ive gone to sleep lonely and with the feeling of being nothing in the eyes of most people heavy on my chest.

I need everybody to love about me,,,, to care about,,,, to obsess over me. And yet no one is. Im tyring so hard. Im being so much better than ive ever been and still its not good enough. Im afraid ill never be that good at talking to people and making connections. I let opportunities slip like sand like years through my fingers. I dont know what I have to do. I dont know what I have to change. Its okay ill figure it out, ill change whatever I have to. And then Ill be loved. Like a normal human. And itll be beautiful

[thissummerisviolent]

I feel so, unbearably lonely. I feel like I’m going through life without touching the sides, without touching anyone. I feel like a ghost. I feel such a profound alienation I want to cry.

And I know people more socially anxious than me and still I feel worse, more fucked than them, fucked in a different worse way and and they’re okay and I’m not. And people with autism never look like me or act like me and I feel so fucking different I want to rip my insides open and figure out what separates me from the humans. Because there has to be something, something that lets everyone else talk and stops me. It’s not trauma or the autism it’s me it’s something more it’s something worse. I’m not ever going to be able to be normal like everyone else and I just need to make peace with that.

There’s no fixing this, because what is wrong is so fundamental you can’t just fix it.

[thissummerisviolent]

Been bad lately. I think im getting worse, which is insane becuase im happier than ive ever been. I have more friends than Ive ever had. I mean I guess I should be greatful, this is the proof ive always wanted that im real life depressed and not just faking it. Every third day at this point, my mood drops and I cant talk, cant work, cant do anything you mindlessly scroll because if I stop ill just start wishing I was dead. And I feel so bad because I dont want to just complain all the time, but also I need to be there for them, a hundred percent of the time and I cant I cant. It hurts and I get so tired and sad and angry I want to scream at it to grow up. And thats not nice or fair but. I cant be perfect, I cant be the rock all the time and it makes me so mad, im just mad at myself but im scared one of these days im going to lash out. I just dont want to feel like this anymore.

[thissummerisviolent]

My biggest pet peeve is that I just will get genuinely annoyed when people who are better at social stuff than me, will be like, “oh I’m so always/shy/bad at talking to people.” And meanwhile have more than two people they consider friends, like get on my level, talk to me when you feel like an alien trying to mimic human behavior, and failing badly.

[thissummerisviolent]

Oh okay.

I dont want to upset him in anyway but sometimes I just cant bring myself to care. I deal with this, the way I survive this, is by shutting down, by going blank and just tanking everything. But that doesnt work here when the end goal is not me hurt and sorry. I know im not going to walk out of this conversation borderline suicidal, but my brain still reacts like its talking to my mother. And fuck that text message did not help. And now I just find myself saying the words im supposed to say and saying sorry like I destroyed someones life.

I keep forgetting Im allowed to be alive and talk about myself. Sorry.

[thissummerisviolent]

See I put this pressure on myself to be the perfect partner and perfect friend and everything. And im not very good at it but im still trying and wow am I failing. But im sooo nice im so cruel and gentle I can make you laugh. And no one is stopping me from communicating my own issues but myself, but you dont understand. I can be perfect, I can become the perfect emotionless lover, I just have to try harder.

[mephostophilis]

I HAVE BEEN FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGED BY YOUTUBE FISHING VIDEOS

[half-a-corpse-half-a-poet]

-Zoë Lianne

[traceloops]

I drew an animation based on a piece by @malatalia_ 

Stills dyed in indigo using the katazome method by @malatalia_

[stuckinapril]

summertime sadness (every summer carries the ghosts of all the summers that precede it)

[thissummerisviolent]

I’ve been trying to learn how to take up space and it’s not going super well. It’s come to the point where I’m questioning if it was a good idea to get into a relationship so soon after realizing I was happy not being in one.

It’s like I don’t have the best handle on my emotions, I am not the stable one in relationship. I’d like to be the rock but I don’t think I am. I think what I, trying to say is I need to work on myself more (my confidence, emotions, and self image) before I’m able to be fully present in a healthy relationship. It doesn’t help that I feel like there’s so much pressure because of how bad things have been in the past. And I can’t communicate !!!!!!!!