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@thought-dragon
Every week
Every week for the past couple of months feels like I canāt handle life very well. Why do I suck at it? Why do I need 8 hours of sleep when everyone around me only needs 6?
My curfew when I was 10 years old was 9pm. Iām 33 now and my personal curfew is now 9pm. Because I canāt hang. Whatsoever. Enjoy your 20s.
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I really just like EVERYTHING about this interior. The unifying color scheme, the furniture, wood accents; the homeās layout is also really nice as well. I also find that the house being elevated is interesting, but a pain to move because its stairs...
I donāt care about high performance anymore
I used to read those articles with these titles, the 10 things that highly successful people do, 6 habits of highly productive things, blah blah blah productivity and success if you do this shit. I did my best to listen to them in my early 20s hoping they would bring me closer to success. But I havenāt reached success, and I guess that angers me greatly, because sometimes success equates to your family and connections that no amount of discipline can give you...
I guess Iāve read through them enough to know what they are. They are just often repeated over and over again, in glaring sight for the whole free internet to see. I feel like thatās the internet now. If you donāt pay, you just keep seeing a repeat of the same old articles over and over again. I actually want to stop reading the news until... basically, when I want to know about the world again. I find that my morning routine is often taken over by news news news. I have my email always in a tab in the browser, and leave my computer to sleep. So sometimes, the same tabs are open with some news article I forgot to finish. Or the onslaught of 2/3 emails a day from the same company. Or a news company that gives me the same news articles from somewhere else, so I get the same article, only at a different time of day. And all the news is the same: some heinous act has been committed by the Trump Administration and Donald Trumpās tweets, Coronavirus fails, the police, a shooting, anti-maskers. UGH. Truly, the world has never been in more of a blender of shit. Every day and every hour, something horrible happens. And yes, it really is becoming overwhelming. I know those high performance articles are meant to be inspirational, however, a lot of now really seems like what I used to see in marketing tactics and selling. You know: you give them a bit of free, so that they buy 10xs more than they would have if you just tried to sell whatever youāre making all in one go. The purpose of those articles is probably to sell the person who wrote the article a credentials check mark on their LinkedIn profileās list of achievements. Maybe as an adult, everything feels like its being sold to you, its an annoying feeling because nothing feels genuine anymore, or if its even targeted towards you as a person. Who is this article talking to, and is it me?
And no, its not that I donāt care about being a present and trying to be a āhigh performerā but personally, arenāt we all capable of giving ourselves an idea of what it means to be productive?
Iāve always loved plants...
I recently took up gardening when some avocado seeds starting sprouting from the inside, and like a miracle, it makes me much more invested in whatās real than video games. I guess Animal Crossing was just a stepping stone into the real thing. I like to take care of my real plants now, much more than my digital plants. Because theyāll still be alive when I log back on many many days, months, or even years from now. I do want to log back on to do the maze thing, but not right now.
I had tried my hand at planting and gardening before in college and also a little after I got home, but I wasnāt nearly as invested. Also, my first sunflower sprouts that came were eaten by the snails. I was so upset and mad, and I hate snails. I couldnāt find a way to really deter them from eating my sunflower every time I planted them, so I gave up. I had a cactus that I let die too... LOL But... honestly, never bothered to pay attention to it, so of course it died. I didnāt have anywhere I could put them where Iād see theyāre progress. However, with the new apartment, I pay attention all the time; thereās only a sliding door, but I sit close to the blinds and get to peak out, because the balcony is the only light source we get around here.
I bought a mixture of herbs for cooking and flowers. The very first sprouts appeared in the Tithonias! Iām quite excited and it makes me happy to see them. I want to say Iāll love my plants indescriminantly, but Iām actually hoping to see more sprouts from the cilantro, jalepenos, and cosmos. Fingers crossed I did it right. :3 and the snails wonāt get them.
Quarantining
Most of the modern world seems to be in a state of limbo. In a long, long state of pause.... or decline? Something like that. I mean its not good. But I have always believed in karmic cycles, in that I hope that humanity is really learning something deep about this experience. With the bad, comes with much good. The pandemic has uprooted lives, and turned things upside down, literally for the past 2 months in the US. I havenāt socialized physically very much. When it first started, I think my close friends and I did a lot more video chats together, and there was a lot of rave quarantining; it was so interesting, seeing people try to come together; everyone was really trying hard to be optimistic in a sea of devastation and negativity. There was all these DJs putting on virtual shows and events for fans. I know its promotional purposes, and that the end goal, they want to keep their future looking good when quarantine ends, but I think the greater good of being good hosts is the return of value that producers give to clients. I should try to remember this moving forward.
But all of that is sort of taking a toll... I have less online meetings now; I largely already do a lot of things by myself, but at the beginning, there was people doing something I did at the same time too. I think this just really proves, with all the new articles popping up, that: how zoom meetings are taxing your energy, people feeling bad because they havenāt done anything āproductiveā or something that is meaningful, or just always trying to be āonā and working.
I will be honest; I have spent probably 150 hours playing Animal Crossing New Horizons. I keep thinking in my head, itās a huge mistake, Peter shouldnāt have done it (buy it), but I couldnāt resist. I actually hate the money system, but actually, I think its a good tool to teach younger kids who have free time what it means to āsave upā for a house, for a dream, commerce, stocks, and trade. But, I feel bad putting ALL that time in a game that isnāt real. Meanwhile, my boyfriend had to work part-time because his hours at work was reduced, and I got laid off from a temp job. I mean it was a full-time, temporary position, but it would have greatly helped me with rent for the next 2 months. Iām so frustrated at myself, because I lost so much momentum from the beginning of the year. A large part of my moments before bed, I think about how much of a failure I am at securing a job, or how much of a leech I am because I canāt get myself to want to find work right now. Iām depressed all the fucking time. I know because sometimes, I really just want to keep sleeping; Iām tired a lot. Sometimes nothing makes me want to wake up. And I feel so bad. I donāt want to be, but here we are. Well, the good is that sometimes, I do wake up, and I do my very best not to play any Animal Crossing, but I fail when I donāt have any structure. Iām almost lost now, I donāt know what to do when I donāt play. But Iāve been trying to clear away the brain fog. Sometimes I have an idea about whatās important to me and my life. Iāve actually, I feel like Iām āwaking upā as I become less and less interested in playing.
Iām trying to remember that, the things that are my personal end goals. What do I want out of my life, and trying to do the things that will get me there. Iām sure a large part of my forgetfulness comes from aging, there isnāt any other way to explain it. Through time, I feel like as a person, I get less and less interested, less of a wonder about my life and the world; I am less interested in possibilities, and more interested in things happening right now.
My childish thinking has shifted to, a much much mature perspective. With it though, comes with a lot of skepticism and suspicion. Take for example, I had a good relationship with a male friend. He stopped talking to me pretty much last year, and this happened drastically after I said I had a boyfriend, which is weird to me because he still talked to me before then, there wasnāt any inkling of the friendship turning romantic at all. I still donāt believe that said person liked me, maybe they didnāt feel compelled to talk to me anymore because *he* got a girlfriend; this I would not be surprised because itās happened before. Anyway, after months and months of quiet, he comes out of the blue to ask for a custom commission.
Mind you, what I said up there in the previous paragraphs about my mental state. Never would I admit this to anyone. Why? Iām not intentionally trying to play a pity card on me, so Iād rather not -- just deal with it, you know. So I unhappily agreed -- but, what I really should have done was say no. I didnāt because, why not? An extra $100, will pay my grocery bills for the month. Also, I wanted Peter to think I was at least trying to use my creative skills for monetary usefulness. Long story; sit back; I said I would not draw anything for his project, and would take official artwork since he wanted it themed after a certain remake game. He NEVER said anything: I gave him first drafts to look over. He literally said it looked good. NEVER said he wanted it a particular way at all. Like he didnāt ever *try* to talk more details with me. I told him to message me over the weekend about the project when he asked me to do it at the beginning too. Did not. I also did a previous work for him, and spent SO much time on his fucking piece, only to be paid $50, and then he felt bad, so he gave me another $50. Whoop dee doo, a fucking $100 for a 3 day project, thanks... >_> I made sure this wasnāt going to happen again, so I stated as above, but some people donāt ever read everything, apparently, or gloss over details.
So I send in 2nd draft, and all of a sudden! Heās like, I was hoping youād draw for me instead, even though I fucking wasted time with grabbing the official artwork, and actually masking the characters out. He constantly praised me for my art, but fuck, he compliments everything all the time, and never once sat down to discuss project details, as stated previous paragraph. Compliments and project details are 2 fucking different things. Basically, he was hinted at what he wanted and expected what happened last time, but Iām not fucking wasting my time drawing 3 days worth for $150, friend or no. Youāre also a 34? something man, pay your service person. But no, he guilt trips me with friend card, saying if his friends asked him for his expertise, he would do it for free.Ā Fuck you. Seriously. He gave me computer advice a lot of the times, but I could get that anywhere on the internet for free, not to mention countless other friends I could ask information about, and then do it myself. He does mention that he could have turned to someone else online to do the graphic for him, but he would rather give the money to friends, but does that mean, heās taking advantage of me as a friend because Iāll do it cheap or what? He then says, his discord and twitch isnāt anything serious. Does that mean, the art I make isnāt merited because you just willy-nilly felt like having something custom?
Look, a long time ago, a googly-eyed Tannie would have given a fuck about his trivial problems, but 31 year old me is grown up, with bills to pay, a future to look to, and stress. Lotās of stress. And anxiety, thatās always there. He never bothered to ask me how Iām doing, he never bothered to talk to me very much or give a fuck when it mattered as a āfriend.ā I canāt believe he played the friend card like that. Itās bullshit.
After that, I just said I didnāt have anything else to say. All the words left me, because I felt as if anything I said would have made me a petty and bad friend. I also felt that he didnāt deserve any sort of explanation. If Iām a bad person, so be it. Iām actually fine with this person out of my life. Nothing has actually changed at all, because he didnāt offer value anymore. But you know what, itās fine. I give a lot of things to my friends. I give so much to the people who mean the world to me, but if donāt feel like Iām being given the quality I deserve, I just say, fuck it. No more time wasted. I just canāt anymore. Why do I constantly feel like Iām being taken for granted? I always thought I had great friends. But ditch the male friends, they mean nothing once you have a solid SO. This old friend is going into the āforget-thatā bin.
I breathed a sigh of relief when I sent him his fucking dumb revisions, and most of the money back -- he used to buy me games when I was super broke, but Iām throwing that shit back in his face, if thatās what friendship amounts to.
And afterwards, I slowly tried to finish off other projects. Everyday was a small effort to do something important. Like even if it was 15 minutes. But itās 15 minutes compared to no minutes. I think at this time, I can only make myself do a little at a time, and I hope that the small effort will eventually accrue into something bigger in the long run.
Iāve been slowly gaining weight. I almost donāt care. I guess. I donāt feel fat, or think that I look fat. The only thing though, is definitely trying to fit into my small sized clothes. All the fat lumps show. The worst is probably going to be knowing that itās hot in the summer, and right now, when I wear a tank top, you can see the outline of my belly, even seeing the hole of my belly button, which is really unflattering to look at. My boobs just keep spilling out, I have no money for a new fancy $50 bra, a decent one goes for about that much these days. But also, I keep thinking in my head, Iām gonna lose all this weight just as easily, why buy any new clothes? I know technically, that it feels better to buy an M sized sports bra, but over time, it loosens up due to the elastic, which does not last long. At most, the cheapest ones last a little less than a month with regular usage. I can fit an S, a little bit uncomfortably, but over time, after it stretches, it fits me perfectly. I like a snug fit, I feel protected, even though my chest is squashed.
My mom hasnāt said very much. Oddly enough, itās been Peterās parents making comments. They shouldnāt care. His soon-to-be step dad is slowly showing himself. Heās rather controlling, from what Iāve seen recently. Peterās mom is pretty much vegetarian. She rarely eats beef, and definitely not pork. But we had some grilled meats the other day, and he practically forced her to eat some beef. Why canāt he just let her eat what she wants? If sheās traumatized by meat, then he should try to understand. Anyway, I see bad things in the future in this regard, I keep wondering if Peter will say anything?
Well, I went from 113lbs last February to 126lbs this year. It was a gradual increase. I was 120 in the summer, it bothered me because I donāt eat much. I did cut back to just 2 meals a day, and it helped me sustain the 120. I am letting myself sort of deteriorate. My leg keeps dislocating, its annoying because we have super deep low cabinets... Iām constantly having to bend down, support myself on my knees, or do an asian squat. Bad for my leg. I have not been exercising. I know I should. Itāll probably help with everything Iām talking about right now. But... I have a lot of stress from still being at home. Iāve been looking for work for 3 months, sometimes lucky, and then not at all lucky. I think interviews are so tedious. I wish it didnāt have to happen... The amount of time Iāve lost just trying to prep for interviewing. For artists, its pretty much a 3 step, phone, in-person, test. Ugh.
I know I have to remember not to be negative. I have to stay positive. Because people like you better, and I guess it affects my mood. I also think that friends canāt handle when someone is intensely depressed or stressed out. Makes people feel helpless, they may withdraw. I feel I have to keep making it look like Iām gonna be okay.
I had a therapist last month (and January), but I quit. He was okay, very terrible and good at the same time. Good at coupleās counseling, bad at individual counseling. He would often brush off my self-reflections, and ramble aimlessly. An hour, and even 30 minutes would go by. Sometimes, my session would be like 2 hours... of him talking. I never get to the point of my story because he asks too many questions. That wasnāt what I want to talk about. I suppose Iām on the look out for a new one, a woman is better, much better at listening than a man. A man could be, but this man wasnāt. He was good at asking me about my boyfriend and how we were. He seemed to really come alive when I talked about my relationships, like he knew what my male counterpart was thinking. That was useful, in trying to understand my boyfriend better. But I didnāt come in for that, I came in for me. I wanted to become a better person, so I can treat people better.
I guess what Iām really looking for is a life coach I never had, because my parentās werenāt good role models to me. I donāt know what Iām doing anymore. Nothing I do seems to work. I wish things would just effortlessly work. Why canāt it just fall into place?
Sometimes, its good to be busy.
Lately, Iāve been too busy to really reminisce about all my worse faults... har har. But Iām also getting a bit exhausted from my constant and super focused state. For me, one does not enact change by simply doing the bare minimum. Iām glad Iām too busy to really want to play games. I actually have nothing on the playlist right now. I tried to do POE because I really wanted to at least finish the story, but the season may be ending soon. It sucks because I had a great ranger, but the bf decided to make a ranger too, and I am a stickler for choosing the same class as someone else. Damn my ego. We did try to play together, but... Iād rather have a job. These days, weāve been so broke, that Iām struggling with food at times. Iām also a bit hesitant to apply for a food stamp debit card because theyāve repeatedly made it hard for me to get one in the past. Like, itās never been so much of a life struggle, but at least we struggle together?
This reminds me of the time when my family was so poor, they relied on my coin savings to buy a McDonaldās meal for my brother and me. Everything was so cheap back then that you can buy food for just a dollar... I miss those days. California is becoming too much sometimes. I keep trying to eat healthy, but we make do with our small budget. My parents actually tucked away funds for me for a special wedding day gift, Iāll have to borrow from my future self and return it with interest when I fucking make it. And Iām determined to.
Also, I am very glad that Instagram has been somewhat cut off. I still check once a week, but itās been good for my mental health to stay far away.
Another side note, damn the pollen. Those darn tree and plant sperms flying everywhere. ._. Iāve never had an allergic reaction until recent years, itās only gotten worse, I read an article that this has only proliferated thanks to city/urban planners planting more male trees because they are less messy than female trees... >_> Bring back the women!
Easy things and not
Sometimes, I think Peter has it really easy. And then I think I have it easy. Itās not easy for any of us. And I often wonder what itād be like if when we will finally feel like life is falling into place. Iām often distracted by a lot of things around the house. Actually, I spent the whole of last week -- not working on my website! which I really needed to do. Instead: I prepared for Thanksgiving. I believe last Monday, I was at least trying to design a graphic-design-y resume. Iām always stuck at the summary or personal statement part, and the details. What did I accomplished? Itās hard to put it together, I didnāt think about my accomplishments much, but I think now, its really important to know them.
I know where the obvious places Iām accomplished at. But working? itās so much harder.
Anyway, Tuesday, I went to OC to buy things to have a really big kimchi making get together with my friend Crystal, and we were gonna have some dinner too. And it was a day long errand. Traffic. Shopping, then more traffic... I totally forgot the fish sauce. It was tiring through and through. Wednesday, I made pecan pie. I made a batch of kimchi for my parents, my sister, and Peterās mom. Thanskgiving Thursday. Horrible holiday, morning and afternoon traffic. Too much food. :( Friday cleaning day. Saturday, Kimch day! Sunday, Peterās bday, and hanging up our very first xmas tree together. And Peterās first christmas tree of all time. He loves it, and has been turning it on all the time now, even though he complained about not wanting to put it up.
Hereās something Iāve been thing about quite often: I know Iām great at organizing, cleaning, and cooking. I feel that domestic home things to me are really easy to do. Itās almost second-hand nature. My cooking has improved drastically over the past 5 months because Iām practically doing it nearly everyday. But I donāt want that to be a skill Iām really good at. Peter has it so easy in that he never cleans or cooks anything. A good 3-4 hours of my day involve home maintenance, which frustrates me because Iāve become a person of pattern. My brainās most optimal time in a day is from 7am - 6pm. And oftentimes, I wake up at 8am, because I really need my 8 hours. I canāt go less or more; Iāll always been more tired and sleepy. And then it creates a spiral of frustration, and tiredness.
He keeps saying heās tired all the time, but he spends all his waking hours, when heās not working to earn a living, playing WoW. Heās gotten better at cleaning without me commanding him to during certain days, especially when heās got free time and itās a weekend. But Iām still doing 70% of the work around here. I just want a job so he can finally help pull the weight off of the the sweeping, the mopping, and the scrubbing...
But last friday, I spent all day just dusting and cleaning, cooking us both dinner; and at the end of the day, I just totally knocked out.
I just wished that dinner was already made. I hate that I canāt just order out like a normal person. Everything has to be curated. I get sick so easily now. Iām sick of being sick.My health is oddly very good at certain moments, and so bad at the rest.
Is it madness when last friday was one of the highlight moments of fall 2019, then on tuesday you had a fine time at your parents house, and then breakdown all of a sudden on early Wednesday morning? I think its strange. I feel completely deranged. I know Iām feeling an incredible sense of loneliness. I just spent a weekend surrounded by bodies of dancing people, spent time with my family, and then when my boyfriend would rather just play WoW than quality time with me, it really hurts my feelings. I feel like usually Iām able to process this as nothing, if he doesnāt want to, then I find other things to do. Itās not a big deal. But thereās moments where the feeling of isolation are really amplified. Iām actually upset with myself than any other factor.
Iām not pms-ing because Iām starting a new pack of bc pills. But Iām not ruling them out as a factor, since Iāve said before that BC pills, when Iām on them, make me go on a roll-coaster ride of emotions every month. Itās just uncanny for it to happen at the beginning of the cycle.
But one thing that does stand out is, I feel a great distance between me and the world. Like Iām on a piece of moving ice drifting further out to sea, and there isnāt quite any one way to pull me in unless I swim out. And I donāt want to swim, so I guess Iāll just sit on the ice and float off.
Sometimes, I walk around meandering in my thoughts because I forgot what it was that I set out to do. I get distracted very easily. Thatās not to say I donāt have interesting thoughts that come up. Iāve been slowly improving my mental focus. I have made it so that I only play Destiny 2 on the weekends -- Iām not heavily invested because the most traffic happens on the weekends. Most people have those days off to start grinding out prism requirements. And because a lot of the game matches you up with randoms now for particular missions, its more important to play when others play. Also, its become a game where I would never play at all when none of my friends were on, but since Iām mostly a solo player about 80% of the time, the game doesnāt cause my addiction to get bad. Iām thankful for this. But actually, other factors help me to not get into my old habits. Namely, Peter and money.
Iāve been trying to reword my thoughts in a way that will make me feel less down. I talk to myself quite often, maybe not out loud, but sometimes I do. I talk directly towards the mirror. I think its important to address yourself head on when being introspective. Especially being encouraging to yourself. The more encouraging I am to myself, the more I feel better and loving towards myself. Itās a great feeling. Loving myself was one of my goals in my early twenties, and the practice still continues; it wasnāt easy, thatās why its taking more than ten years to really feel confident about this fact. First is recognizing and knowing how you treat yourself, the second part is the mantras, words of encouragement, even if you donāt believe them at first, and the third part is the total acceptance. When all these happen, forgiveness is sure to follow.
One thing thatās been holding me back recently is that Iāve been afraid to apply for part time work. I look at some of the seasonal job postings and think about online job applications, and the horrible interviews. It causes me great anxiety and distress -- because I remember how I used to feel when I applied. It makes me feel crappy -- they ask a lot of personality questions that may seem super obvious to people, but I noticed that these online questions now are more difficult to trick. They ask the same question but reword it, to see if you would say something different in your answer, to see inconsistencies. They want autonomous robots who wonāt cause problems, but have to be outgoing or a āgo-getter.ā I really hate that term. You can be ambitious and still be an introvert. Iāve started to really embrace my individuality and my inward nature, so its frustrating applying to one of these jobs because it feels like I have to conform to a certain standard to be considered an employee that fits into the culture. Theyāre interviewing part-timers as if the job itself is meant to be a long term goal. As if. Shouldnāt they be screening for reliability rather than personality and social factors?
On the other hand, my other fear is that Iāll have to leave early from my part-time job, since Iām so close to finishing responsive web design. But maybe I should really try to take my time in this, so that I understand it well in outside scenerios. Itās actually very hard for me to get, because sometimes the flexbox is not doing what I am visioning, and its harder for me to pinpoint why, as opposed to non-responsive box model designs. They are easier to control. But increasingly, it is becoming important to be āflexibleā so as to at least fit a certain type of viewport style. Portable screens are probably going to be always central to society now. Everywhere we go, we carry a small little computer in our pocket that transmits data, and downloads. We can do and watch things all the time now, thanks to wifi. It is becoming increasingly apparent that display designs/UX/UX is one important glue that holds these interfaces together.
People like easy and beautiful.
āI worked for a financial services company in northern China. Ā I really wanted Hong Kong to be a light for the Chinese people to see democracy in our system. Ā And thatās why I got in trouble. Ā I downloaded some pictures of the protest onto my phone, and shared them on my personal social media. Ā But somehow the management of my company found out. Ā My boss wanted me to quit my job and sign a letter of regret. Ā Heād written it out for me. Ā But I refused, and he fired me. Ā He sent a letter to the whole office saying I was anti-country. Ā The next day the local police came to my door. Ā They took my blood, and my photo, and my fingerprint, and my palm print. Ā They charged me with āprovoking troubles.ā Ā Itās a crime that doesnāt require strong proof. Ā Itās a pocket they can put anyone in. Ā They made me sign a letter promising never to provoke troubles again. Ā And if I do, next time it wonāt just be the local police who knock on my door.ā (Hong Kong)
Hong Kong is in such shambles. Itās such a humanitarian crises. Iām in awe that some people have been fighting for it for at least 3 months. The strength of the fighters is amazing.
I think Sunday was a good day. It was my momās birthday. The bf and I went down to esco first to help his mom pack up her stuff. Sheād moved on and found her own boyfriend in July. Itās quite a match really. His wife past away from breast cancer a few years ago, and her husband had passed away from lung cancer two years ago. Iām sure they know what the other is going through. They met through the same accountant. Peter and I havenāt met the manās children yet. He has 2 boys? I forgot. Maybe 3. I just think it will be interesting when we all meet....
I remember when his dad passed away, his mom probably felt very lonely, she was afraid to be home by herself. And then with us moving away, she probably felt even more so. But I canāt help but feel its rather quick anyway. Theyād only started dating back in July. Itās not been more than a few months, but theyāre making what I would call a big leap. But her business went on fire and sheās lost a lot of things... Iām sure her new beau felt really bad for her. I also get the feeling that as a women who didnāt make major decisions before, its not something sheās used to doing, and because most Asian cultures really stress the idea of a the man taking care of the woman, sheās okay with having someone help her with certain things. But I keep my opinions to myself, Iām just the girlfriend. Plus, I still canāt make good Korean conversation. I have been trying to practice, but its so much more difficult for me to get.
In any case, his mom gave my mom a VERY generous gift, I was shocked because I didnāt really expect it. But I guess that means sheās trying to close the gap. Itās been hard trying to do that. Since my bf is not good at confrontation. He is finally making an effort to spend time with me and my family. I think that it helps I encourage by saying things like ābeing together forever,ā āgetting married...,ā etc, its helping him to actually commit more to me. We havenāt really discussed marriage in detail, theyāre always what-if scenarios, but I have low expectations for mine. When I was a child, I had grandiose ideas about how my ceremony would be even though I would hide my desires from everyone, so nobody knew how much I actually thought about my romantic future because I didnāt want to be that girl. I wanted to appear more as a level-headed, smart, practical person, more than someone who dreams all day long about everything. My fantasies have always had a grandeur feeling. Theyād be big - parties and special events; thereād be lots of people like in the princess movies, people would clap as I came down this large spiraling staircase, and my huge ballroom wedding dress would have plumes of feathers. I lived life in the clouds up until I was 18 years old. Despite being a me too person, at least I kept a part of my innocence alive through imagination. Nothing would hurt me terribly when I daydreamed. Itās nice.
But Iām starting to come down. Way down. Life was too beautiful in my head, and Iām only just starting to lower my expectations about certain things. Life never goes your way. And Iām not rich. When youāre well off you can do whatever the hell you want. You can buy a bunch of flowers and having a cascading wall of roses at a birthday party if you wanted it to happen. I think part of the reason was, nobody ever explained to me the meaning behind value. I didnāt understand money until I was working for it. Heck, I didnāt know how to read time until I was in 4th grade. My teacher, Mr. P finally noticed probably because I didnāt do something right in class. Nobody explained to me.
Every basic understanding in life that I learned so far has been because I embarrassed myself not understanding and fumbling through it. I feel like I wouldnāt be so behind in life if someone put the time in and helped me. But I didnāt really have an adult figure I could look up to in that way. I think the āadultā figures were always teachers and counselors, which shouldnāt really be that way if you think about it. But my mom was an orphan. My dad wasnāt orphaned but grew up pretty much savagely on a farm, his parents, my grandparents, didnāt sound like they paid very much attention until shit really hit the fan, and then theyād get their asses whooped by a stick.
I donāt really blame my parents for anything anymore. I used to all the time. Especially after college. I blamed them for making me move with them all the way to Murrieta and Temecula, blamed them how they didnāt do jack for my childhood, blamed them for all of our money woes because of their frivolous spending, and blamed them for their lack of vision and success. But I see everything so differently now. Like worldly. Complete understanding, complete forgiveness. People wish for world peace, but world peace happens through small moments through ordinary people. Thereās never going to be a utopia, because the world will always have a duality. All the worst things and all the best things are meant to happen. Everyday, we live in a perfectly present moment. Everything is already perfect -- in the way that it is and in the way it simply exists.
After helping the bfās mom, we went on over to my sisterās house, and preceded to have a good time; nothing bad happened. Thank the heavens. I helped my sister chop, everybody bantered, I played with Austen and Everly, got to hug Marky. I feel like kids who I like hanging out with give me the same feeling as a pet might. Theyāre cute AF, and watching them be themselves is incredibly stress-free. Theyāre obviously not pets, and I do love them as individual little people with free-flowing thoughts. Peter played with Austen too, nothing like some ball throwing to get a kid stoked. It warms my heart when I seeing it happen for the first time this weekend. Next weekend, weāll be picking apples at an orchard farm with friends, Iām excited.
āWhen my grandmother died, there was a feeling that Iām all alone in this world. Ā Her favorite saying was: āIām always here for you, whenever you need me.ā Ā Without asking questions. Ā Without judging. Ā My parents were different. Ā They wanted things from me. Ā They wanted me to be a good person, and graduate, and get a job, and do well. Ā But I kept failing. Ā I questioned everything. Ā I was bad at school. Ā I didnāt follow the rules. Ā I had purple hair. Ā And a nose ring. Ā And to make things worse, I had this perfect, beautiful little sister who did everything right. Ā But every time I messed up, I could go to Oma. Ā And sheād tell me: āDonāt worry so much. Ā These things arenāt important.ā Ā And āI love you darling.ā Ā And āYouāre not a bad person.ā Ā And āYouāll find a way to be happy.ā Ā It could be so hard growing up. Ā It felt like the world wanted so much from me. Ā But my grandmother was different. Ā She just loved me.ā (Berlin, Germany)
I wish I had a grandma like this. But these ones are truly special, and something I could only hope to be someday.
Gifting and its purposes
I had a minor relapse in gaming. Itās been hard to overcome. Last Saturday, I was super down and getting ready to really crackdown on publishing my website on the weekend... And then the game was given to me on Saturday. I played non-stop on Sunday, even though in my brain I was like, āYouāre not going to play in the day time. Youāre only going to play at night. And after you finish your website stuff.ā
I didnāt want to admit it, but it couldnāt be helped... One of my friends bought me Destiny 2, and I felt obligated to play. Thatās great news in a sense that thereās people who still think about me. And it greatly warms up my heart.
I often times think about why people gift me games (other than the obvious that Iām a girl, and I like games too). I can recount to you all the male figures who have offered to give, or have consistently given me games in my life. The most prominent is my boyfriend. He gifts them to me sometimes, and I wholeheartedly accept them. Actually, heās meant to gift me bayonetta 2 if I get a job....
The very first boy in elementary through middle school who tried to bribe me to be his gf in middle school, and was also the most open about his affections. I mean, it was kindhearted in gesture, but Iām not to be bought. So totally Mulan. Despite not knowing my last name, I couldnāt help but feel a sense of pride in my surnameās origins that I found out in 2010, which can be translated to Yang in Mandarin Chinese. This excerpt from Wikipedia:
Some branches of the Yang clan (in particular the Hongnong branch) refer to themselves as "Yang of the Hall of Four Wisdoms". The "Hall of Four Wisdoms" refers to a story concerning Yang Zhen, an official of the Eastern Han Dynasty (206 BC - 220 AD), and known for his erudition as well as moral character. When a man named Wang Mi visited Yang Zhen at night and attempted to bribe him 10 catties of gold, Yang rejected the gift. Wang Mi persevered, saying that nobody would know. Yang Zhen famously retorted "Heaven knows, Earth knows, you know and I know. Ā How can you say that nobody would know?" Descendants of Yang Zhen adopted the "four wisdoms", or "Si Zhi" as the title of their clan hall. Some Yang family clan halls in various parts of China still carry this name.[32]
I have willingly taken this stance for the most part in my moral upbringings.
After some years in my twenties, I started accepting gifts from many people in regards to accepting their kindness. Itās not that I want to take it, but I feel like it would be an insult if I rejected it. But there are many moments to consider also, like the context. Is it acceptable if they donāt know about my boyfriend, if they do, yes, take it; if they donāt, no. Did I do something for them that warranted a gift, if yes, then yes, if no, then ask why? In retrospect, I think about how I gift people and how if they take my gifts or donāt make me feel.
Thereās a particular friend who often sent me gifts or would offer me something because he is self-proclaimed as generous. What he claims is true... maybe about 80% of the time. The only issue is that there are instances in which it was impossible to gift him very much. He makes a good amount of money for himself; his computer is topnotch, his gaming library and media large and wide. Heās too busy to do much else with his time. What return gifts do you give to someone like that? Especially someone who is physically elusive?
Sometimes, it makes me think these people like the act of gifting because it gives their ego a huge sense of grandiose and power over their network of connections. It makes them feel really good about themselves, so they can keep saying how nice they are, and how easily they used to be stepped on because of how nice they were (past tense because these people have had to overcome their overly large boundary lines, and are no longer considered pushovers). Iām not saying heās a bad person. Iām saying that humans always get a sense of satisfaction from doing everything, and this was his way of feeling good about himself. There is always something in it for them. Is it always important to know why? Not all the time, but a monkey is curious.
I think the friend who gifted me Destiny 2 wanted me to feel better. I told him about my leg. He was there that day when I fell in softball. I never had any intention at all to make people feel sorry for me, I feel sorry for myself already. Being a woman too, I have to tell people how I feel, and thatās why you have friends in the first place. But I never want to take advantage of someone, and I always try to do the right thing. Thatās why sometimes, I wonder if I should start rejecting random gifts of kindness again.
Taming the elephant
Iām still trying to tame my video game addictions. My fears were realized when I cut it out, people I thought were my friends really did stop hanging out with me altogether. Itās probably a good thing my bf and I donāt play games together, now I just bother him with cute animal videos, gifs, and memes, and politics, but I think he makes it hard for me to chat online with him because we only chat on Steam, despite our computers being right next to each other. Sometimes its just easier to copy the tag and he can look at the link in his own browser instead of coming over to mine. But Iāve had to just make him look at my laptop. I think thatās the right thing to do.
So... I guess I have nothing left to lose anymore? Any relationships Iāve had before somewhat disappeared. Somewhat because a small amount of people still respond back, but the conversations arenāt good anymore. Itās just banal formalities.
But these days, I just donāt have anything nice to say about video games altogether anymore. League of Legends/Riot has a bunch of manchilds sitting in executive chairs, making women who work there feel small and unheard, and also farting into peopleās faces. Iām morally righteous. Once I find out someone isnāt a good person, I just cut them out, and sometimes, itās really hard to, especially putting all that time in and having to throw it out. My values were questioned just last night; I definitely donāt condone the way the Chinese Communist government censors information and freedom of speech. Blizzard has recently sided with its Chinese shareholders and banned a Hearthstone player and rescinded his prize money because he was supporting the movement in Hong Kong. Well, what do I do with my Blizzard games? I guess Iāll just never log into bnet anymore. But like I said, time and money was put into those games, also people -- that I donāt talk to anymore. Iām glad Bungie got out of there, because there would have went another cascade of money. Itās just awkward... Blizzard publishes a game about heroes and fighting for whatās right, diversity, and justice, however, theyāre money makes them side with tyranny and suppression of opinion. If I worked there, Iād be ashamed.
Itās actually not even Blizzard. It is happening to many companies at the same time, simply because the amount of Chinese billionaires have gone up since the 2000s. The more I look into this, more the skeletons come out. The NBA, Tiffany & Co, Disney... even Apple. Apple has Chinese manufacturers, I canāt imagine them ever being able to escape. Despite their values and visions, its money talks. And money is neutral. Money has no feelings. Itās really what a person does with the money that it becomes a message.
I was actually going to make this post about me finally realizing why Iām so addicted to games, but a large chunk has become a political rant.... Well, back on topic... Iām pretty good at figuring myself out by now; I just need some paper, mind relaxing music, and a pen. And I had such a HUGE revelation. Why am I so addicted to games? My very first instance of playing a game was with Super Metroid, and I was most likely in first or second grade. Iāve been watching my brother and he let me try to my surprise. I quit the first level because I felt so anxious, scared, and frazzled to finish beating the first level let alone the entire game. It wasnāt even that hard. I just freaked out because the music and the graphics made me panic. But I tried again some later, when I was 10. Weād gotten an N64 too. I already knew I was amazing at Bust-A-Move (we didnāt have a save cartridge, but I constantly beat all 10 levels and computer AIs since it was an arcade version), and I wasnāt shy from fighting games, since button mashing was my jam. So I tried playing Super Metroid again, and after finishing the first level, I realized I did it. I freaking did it. I conquered my fear of sucking.
I can see now, that every time I play anything, its associated partially due to a confidence boost -- thatās the main reason. Thereās a few other factors too such as my brain likes a good challenge, so much that Iāll dream about how to solve my problems, that gets really annoying because I want my dreams to be dreamy and good. And then the social aspect. Games are more fun with friends. But now that I donāt have those friends involved in my life as much, I feel free to really let go. And because I didnāt get positive reinforcement very often as a child, or any at all, games became my go-to escape to feel good about my sense of existence. Unconsciously, now I know, its my own self telling me that I donāt suck, Iām good at something -- video games. Even when I have a really troubling day, Iāll play a game just to make myself feel better. Sometimes it helps, especially, an rpg, or I win an mmo game like LoL. Itās weird, because upon realizing this, my life was actually defined by this. I pursued a career in video games and art because that was the second thing I submersed myself in (but a little bit less). And life didnāt take me there. Do I ask if there is a higher being watching out for me? Maybe its for the best. I couldnāt have been happy as a woman in games. I often hide my name and gender online. Even if more women play games now, its still very male dominant. Itās ...a male fantasy world. I refuse to be beneath them. I am not an inferior gender. In fact, Iām not an inferior anything.
We can call it an escape, but thatās what games are like for a lot of people who get really submerged. I knew I was escaping, but I think my perspective has since changed this morning-- to really understand why, just look deeply into your mind. It comes out wordlessly, but you need to name it to see it.
Now that I know this, Iād like to figure out a way to channel it to other means. My current checking account is not looking good at all. My oversight on my credit card and savings is really throwing me off. I canāt wait until I can really chunk down my current private loan. Then I can focus on repaying other deferred student loans. If only I could make debt a fun challenging puzzle that I just whole-hardheartedly focus on with complete abandon. Or even my comic Iāve been thinking about doing for so long.
Chia seeds
Man, these things are amazing. Iāve been drinking a ton of it these days. Before, when I had no worries, I drank them every now and then in my twenties. But these days, I drink at least a teaspoon a day, more if possible, apparently, they have so much fiber, your max threshold is about 1.5 tablespoons. I never drink that much, because its hard to remember to drink water all the time, but at least, 1 to 2 spoons a day. Theyāre fibrous, packed with a bunch a nutrients including protein. I put them in my oatmeal. I put them in yogurt. I drink with a glass of water. Iām sure a lot of vegans love them... There have been no studies regarding these and your vaginal health, but Iām not sure why, Iāve looked it up in my search engine with no results. Just general chia seed information about how theyāre a super food. Iām never really into a food fad unless I had health issues. I am now a believer.
However, I can only make guesses based on what I see in myself. Maybe they feed your gut bacteria which in turn improves your overall health. Maybe they balance out your regular ph levels, which I struggle with often these days. Maybe something is in them that helps with urinal health too. They are definitely anti-inflammatory.
Iāve over-killed on cranberry products. Now whenever I feel like I get a UTI, I only drink 1 D-mannose pill. There is irritation when I void, and its frustrating on many implications such as, did my worry and anxiety cause me to take too may acidic products? Most likely, which is why my bladder and urethra is so sensitive to things that are high in acid. These days the chia seeds and a teaspoon of baking soda is in my water all the time. So baking soda is a cheap way to alkalize your water, never exceed 1 teaspoon a day unless youāre severely constipated... Also, great for acid reflux.
Back to normal
Things have for the most part, shifted to normalcy again. I, however, voluntarily bringing myself back on birth control has been a hard decision, or a frustrating and annoying one. Itās so interesting that birth control since its invention has given women a lot of empowerment, and feminine strength. No longer did they have to worry about rearing for a family only, it allowed them the freedom to be who they are, to take control back for their sex, and not be tied down to a man for any particular reason. Although not completely, since there are still many traditionalists out there. I can name some personally.
But recent studies have shown that giving women synthetic drugs regularly, is causing a mess of hormones, sorry citation, just personal experience. Woman, at the start of their cycle slowly gain estrogen until ovulation, peak, and then goes down. Pro-estrogen then does the same thing until the end of the cycle, also peaking at the end and coming down. Meanwhile, birth control pills have women constantly on estrogen, and makes it seem like a woman is constantly in pregnancy even though she isnāt. And all this fake hormones do not come without side effects, you can look up any birth control pill and the list will be long. Iām glad I donāt have weight gain, it seems that my weight is dropping actually, while being pregnant, it seemed like I was gaining pounds effortlessly, which was frustrating, because who wants to slowly gain 2 pounds every month, if youāre only eating two meals a day? But my mood-swings on birth control is nuts; it really spikes up and down. Already within the first week I felt the changes. I have been really emotionally stable for the past year being off of the bc pills, but suddenly, Iām crying for no reason, or for silly reasons, on top of my other stresses, so these emotional responses I get keep building up. It makes me lash out involuntarily at times, even though I know its ridiculous to get upset. Being self-aware is one thing, but actually, being mindful to not do the thing that you are aware of, is another. It may take me a life time to master, but at least Iāll keep trying.
One thing I really hope will happen is just finding a job within this month, which I so desperately need. Iām on the last bit of my savings. Iāve been relying on the boyfriend for food and the other bills, so I try to make up for that by regularly cooking meals and cleaning. But I wonāt lie that it makes me feel like a house slave. I always feel like I should start looking for a job now, being at home all the time makes me feel crazy and trapped, but I donāt have money to go outside... Iām actually starting to feel overwhelmed. My fears about job hunting havenāt gone away, so IāmĀ scared that whatever I do, theyāll just fire me because of my last 3 design jobs, or something where Iām not qualified and I only made myself sound qualified. I never knew how to grow my own confidence. I wish that you could just wish it, plant it, and itād be true. I wish I was lucky like so many other people and have things fall into my lap too.
If one ever consider how smart many many people are in this world, and how small the hole is for a certain number of people to reach a particular goal, its daunting. Is it because the media feeds me this perception? Itās certainly true for a number of elite colleges. You can be in a big pool of smart people, but only have your application bypassed because the administration only needed a certain number of minorities for entry.
People, articles, counselors all say the same thing. You should just keep going and trying despite the odds. So even though it sucks, itās almost as if you canāt stop, because its expected to keep moving forward -- that is if you want to be a success or you know, earn a living. Be alive.
