A thought a day

Just a 21 year old girl writing down her experiences, thoughts and feelings everyday.

[thoughtfulnessme]

16 June 2026

We had a wholesome family weekend and it's exactly what my soul needs and yearns for.

E & I had a party on Saturday morning and then at night we went to get Grill'd for dinner, played some arcade games and got ice-cream. There was a dance party on E loved to have a little dance.

On Sunday we did something I've wanted to do for awhile. We went up to Canungra. We had a coffee at a cute coffee shop and watched E do her drawing. She is obsessed and loves it and is actually reallly good at it. She will draw something and say what does that look like and we tell her what we think it looks like.

She had play on the playground and went on the swings. We looked at the bookstore and op shop. We wandered the markets and E got a $2 lucky dip bag and it was a few cute things including a stuffed pink unicorn.

After that we went to Beechmont Hotel for lunch.

It was just a weekend that filled our cups.

We are wanting to get out more as a family, try new things and make memories.

After everything we have been through this year, I am grateful that what happened is allowing me to have more time with my husband and daughter to make memories together just the three of us before we eventually have another bubba.

[thoughtfulnessme]

16 May 2026

So it wasn't meant to be.

I'm not pregnant. I don't know what I am. Is this a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy? I still don't have the answers but I am devastated, heartbroken, frustrated, angry, disappointed. A rollercoaster of emotions.

I went to the DR on Tuesday to get my bloods done. On Wednesday, she called to tell me my HCG was 579 so we wanted to repeat the hcg blood tests. Meanwhile, I have had very minor cramping and an absence of pregnancy symptoms. Today, the DR confirmed by HCG has actually decreased. I went for an ultrasound and then is nothing in my uterus and the tech was unable to locate the 'pregnancy' anywhere else so I still have no answers. But what I have now realised is that there was no fetus or no baby this time which I guess eases the mind a bit as I feel like I haven't lost a baby. When this happened in January, I had seen the baby, I had seen the heartbeat. This time, nothing was there. Perhaps it stopped growing when it was still cells and is a chemical pregnancy but it feels weird that I haven't had any bleeding when I should be 6 weeks. Is this pregnancy in my tubes??? That is my biggest fear right now. I feel like a sitting duck. What is going to happen?

I feel like the main thing I have lost is my hope and my plans. I pictures myself having a January baby but that dream, that hope and desire has vanished.

Again, my main issue is that now my daughter will be 4 by the time we do have another baby. I never wanted a 4 year age gap it just seems like too much. My heart aches for my daughter. I wanted to have a little bestie that was closer to her in age.

Why is this happening to us? Is something really wrong with me or my husband that will keep causing us to experience this heartache? I think my next step will be for us to see a fertility specialist. My heart is broken for my family.

[thoughtfulnessme]

6 May 2026

Yesterday I found out I am pregnant again!!

Whilst I am excited, most of me is just feeling hopefully, anxious and everything in between.

I want this so so badly. I am trying to be as positive as I can and just know that my body has done this before successfully and it can do it again.

All my fingers and toes are crossed that we have a little January 2027 baby on the way. My body and soul is so ready for this. My beautiful daughter is so ready to be a big, beautiful sister.

Please universe, let this work out for our little family.

[thoughtfulnessme]

16 March 2026

It's been 6 weeks since my procedure. I was meant to write much earlier.

I got my period back about 4 and a half weeks after the procedure so I am hopeful that we will be pregnant again soon.

I was busy getting my daughter's third birthday and birthday party ready (which was heaps of fun!) and then this weekend we went away to Yamba for a little holiday! It was so nice to spend time near the water, to slow down and relax and spend time as a family. We swam in the pool, went to the beach, did fishing and just spent time together.

[thoughtfulnessme]

05/02/2026

In spite of everything we have been through in the last week, I am feeling good. I am feeling positive, content and motivated.

Today was a productive day. I cleaned our bedroom and bathroom while listening to a good podcast that really made me think about things and put them into perspective.

I read my book and created my 2026 vision board that I keep as my laptop background throughout the year. My words for the year are: Be present, delight and bloom.

Be present: I want to be off my phone more. Be absorbed in the world around me. Quit the doom scroll and do other things with my time.

Delight: I want to find joy in the little things which I think goes hand in hand with putting the phone down. With the phone, we are scared of being bored. Every spare second of waiting is spent looking at our phone. I want to be content with slowing down and noticing the world around me. I want to find things that delight me.

Bloom: For me, bloom is about becoming a better version of myself. I am blooming if you will. I want to focus my energy and attention on doing things to better myself both physically and mentally by eating well, getting back into physical exercise, doing more self-care things for myself and more developing via journaling, meditating and listening to self development podcasts.

When I went into this year, my intention wasn't really to create goals for myself because I thought I would be spending most of the year pregnant. But now things have changed, I want to put all my energy into being the best mother for my daughter, wife to my husband and being kind to myself. I want to create a better version of myself.

I so badly wish I was pregnant right now but that is not the cards that was dealt to me. I get to focus on myself for a bit longer whilst I wait for my future baby.

I feel so sick and tired during the first stage of pregnancy so I want to find my spark and happiness. That is the opportunity I have been given.

Tomorrow, my intention is to create some weekly/daily goals as on Monday I will be commencing an 8 week challenge that I have done before and really enjoyed! I want to be doing small steps every day to allow myself to be present, delight in the world around me and bloom into a better, healthier, happier version of myself.

I am doing this for me.

[thoughtfulnessme]

03/02/2026

Yesterday I had my procedure. It still doesn't feel real. I still can't believe that this was our journey - this was how it all ended. I used to believe in everything happens for a reason but I am struggling to come up with a reason for this. A reason for so many other couples to go through this and sometimes multiple times as well.

The day wasn't too bad. I handled it quite well, surprisingly. We went in early in the morning. I had to fast from 8pm and have no water from 8:30am. I felt a bit nausea from not eating but overall it wasn't as bad as I thought the fasting/not drinking would of been.

It was great having my husband there for support. We waited in the waiting room for a bit and then we saw the nurse. I had to put robes on and a surgery hat and then sit in another room to wait to be called into surgery. I was eventually called it, I said goodbye to my husband and was taken through to lay on a bed. It was a very clinical setting and the whole time I was just laying there in disbelieve that this was happening to me. Different people kept coming into to talk to me. The OB's, the anesthesiologist. Finally, it was time for me to walk into the theatre and lay on the bed. There was about 8 other people in there. It was full on but I was just relieved that soon I would be under, I wouldn't have to feel anything.

The anesthesiologist then put something into my cannula and I was out. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the post-op room to another nurse. I was very sleepy and they kept doing my blood pressure every few minutes.

After awhile, I got dressed, sat in a wheelchair and went into another room and got to have an orange juice and an egg sandwich.

They said I would be discharged in 30 minutes so I messaged my husband. Another nurse monitored me and then I was discharged and got McDonalds on the way home.

I had some bleeding yesterday after the procedure but today there is no bleeding. I haven't had any cramps.

Today I have felt fine. I have spent time playing with my daughter. I think the reason I feel so emotionally stable right now is because of her. She brings me so much joy and happiness. I'm so grateful I have her.

I'm just hoping my period returns in a month and we can move forward. I really want to try again quite soon.

Overall, I am feeling fine. I am feeling supported by my mum and husband. I have my beautiful blessing of a daughter. I will get through this and I know that eventually I will have another beautiful, healthy baby in my arms.

[thoughtfulnessme]

1st February 2026

It's officially a new month and I am so glad that January is gone and finished. It was the longest month, brutal, cruel and honestly, probably the worst month I've had in many, many years.

I still can't believe that my reality is that I am carrying a dead baby inside of me and that tomorrow I am getting it removed.

I really thought this year would be full of joy and happiness and now I wake up counting down the hours until I can crawl back into bed and close my eyes. I'm exhausted.

I spiral often. Thoughts of having my children too far apart; will they be close? What will our family look like? Thoughts of I only have two more months to get pregnant with a baby that is due in 2026 but then it will probably take 4 - 6 weeks for my period to return so then what, technically only one month to get pregnant??? The thought of not having a baby born in 2026 is hurting my soul. Just the image of what I thought my life would look like this year is soul-destroying.

I am so thankful and grateful for my beautiful daughter but my heart is just aching.

And then I go to the park and see pregnant mums or women with kids close in age and it's just so triggering. I feel so lonely.

Why did this have to happen to us??????

At least January is over.

In February, I want to start working out again and eating healthy. I want to find joy in the little things. Read again and do other small things for me because right now getting up in the morning is hard. Getting in my car and driving anywhere is near impossible. The every day life things just seem so boring and mundane.

[thoughtfulnessme]

30/01/2026

We had a consultation at the hospital today and did further scans. It was confirmed. The pregnancy is no longer viable and I have opted to do the surgery which has been booked in for Monday.

I handled the whole appointment quite well and I felt proud of myself for being so strong. It just really doesn't feel real. I sit there and I can't believe that this is happening to me. I know it's so common and it happens to so many couples but wow, it really just feels like a horrible nightmare. We went from so much happiness, joy and prospect to this journey to just...there is no words.

I think having my daughter has made this whole process a bit easier. Having a real life perfect child in front of me gives me hope. Being able to cuddle her and listen to her talk and tell me stories brings me so much happiness every day that it makes me almost forget what we are going through. I look at her and I can't help but smile and laugh. She is pure joy, pure sunshine. There are no words to describe my love for her.

I feel somewhat optimistic that sometime this year we will successfully fall pregnant again. I know when I had my last miscarriage I didn't want to try for awhile but this time, I just want to try again as soon as possible. I want another child to add to our family so bad. I want my daughter to experience being a big sister and to have a sibling that is somewhat close in age to her. I feel like my husband will be more reluctant to try again.

This whole pregnancy from the beginning was just strange. At times, things felt off and I had some strange thoughts. Call it anxiety or maybe it was mother's intuition. I didn't feel sick as early on as I did with my daughter and that made me worry that something was wrong but then at my first scan, the baby was measuring a week behind and I was told that was normal so I put not having symptoms down to that fact. I figured I just ovulated later/implantation occurred later. I then started feeling sick and vomiting about 3 times throughout the pregnancy. With my previous pregnancy, I vomited daily.

And then about a week ago I had a strange thought at night. I had already booked in for the scan/NIPT test for the Wednesday. And I had this strange vision in my head that on the Wednesday, I would get told bad news about a miscarriage and that I would then have to tell my work I won't be in again (I had the previous Thursday/Friday off due to COVID). I pushed the thoughts aside but going to that appointment, I feel like deep down I still felt unsettled. And then my worst fears were confirmed and it was almost like I knew this outcome would happen from the start.

It still feels so cruel that there were no physical warning signs. I still felt so sick and tired. If I hadn't of had that appointment, would I have not known anything was wrong until my 13/14 week scan???

Today, I also left the August Baby 2026 FB group and group chat and that made it feel a lot more real.

[thoughtfulnessme]

29/01/2026

This has got to the be the worst month we have had in a long time. 2026 was so full of promise and joy and then it just deflated like a balloon.

At the start of the month, our brand new car was reversed into causing a decent sized dent.

I started feeling really sick and tired from pregnancy and felt useless as I couldn't play with my toddler as much.

We then all got COVID.

And then the horrible news came that our baby had stopped growing and on top of that my toddler got a tummy bug and was vomiting and felt horrible.

I just feel really empty and sad. August was going to be the due date and that just felt perfect. My toddler would of nearly been 3.5 years and now I just feel like the gap between kids is going to be too long. Who knows when I will fall pregnant again. It felt like perfect timing. I feel so sad that I can't give my daughter a sibling. I really wanted her to be close to her sibling and it just feels like the bigger gap they have, the less close they will be as they will be at different stages in their lives.

[thoughtfulnessme]

28/01/2026

It happened again. My heart got ripped from my chest. We went from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I am left reeling. Not understanding. Questioning: how did this happen to us. AGAIN?!

I went to get the NIPT blood test done at 10 weeks. Before the blood test, they do an ultrasound to check baby is okay, measuring correctly etc.

We start the ultrasound, and I have a strange feeling. I have had a strange feeling most of this pregnancy. She is struggling to get a good image of baby, baby looks small. I don't see a heartbeat or any movement. She says she needs someone senior. She goes out, comes back, the senior person is busy so she looks again. She finally finds something and starts taking measurements. I can see on the screen they are all measuring behind: 7 weeks, 8 weeks. She then says she needs to get someone senior, the right colour isn't there.

So, they come back. They get the scan up and again, the measurements are behind. She says she can't see a yolk sac. And then she says baby stopped growing around 8 weeks, there is no heartbeat.

I am devastated. I am all by myself, in that room, on that bed, getting my heart torn out. I'm shocked. I can't believe it. I can't believe I felt so sick, so tired for NOTHING.

I leave and cry most of the way home. I feel numb now. So shocked. So dumb for telling so many people and for believing this could be it for us. The only thing that is stopping me from completely crumbling is my precious daughter who has been so excited for this baby and so excited to be a big sister. I feel devastated for her.

So our August 2026 dream has slipped away and crashed and burned into a million pieces.

[thoughtfulnessme]

Maldives travel diary from October 2025

I forgot to copy this from my notes so here it is.

[thoughtfulnessme]

2025: Year in Review

It is now Monday 12th January 2026!! So I thought it was time to do my yearly review and I think this was one of the best years yet. We achieved so much, had a lot of fun and just had an all round good, amazing year!! I ended the year feeling so blessed and grateful and so excited (also a tiny bit scared) to see what 2026 brings!!! So lets wrap up the year.

January - We spent new years in AB with my family which was amazing but then it was also good to get back to our house and start thinking about what we wanted to achieve this year. I did my yearly vision board that I set as my screensaver on my laptop (more about that soon!)

February - I went back to work after having 2 years off on maternity leave and my daughter began day care!! I only went back to work 2 days (Thurs and Fri) so she only has 2 days a day care which is the perfect amount. My first day back at work was emotional but after that I was fine and my daughter adjusted to school quite easily!

March - E turned 2!! Her birthday coincided with a cyclone on the gold coast!! which was very strange. Luckily it was very weak but it meant her birthday was very chill. We just to a local tavern. My mum and brothers were down for the birthday. We also decided it was time to sell our first house so we started getting it ready for sale and got a pre-approval so we were ready to purchase another home if we found something.

April - After 1 open home where heaps of people attended we sold our home on 29.04.2025 for $835,000!! It was an amazing result considering we brought the property for $418,000 back in 2019. We were so happy but it also meant we had to find a new house!! We had a longer settlement so spent our weekends going to lots of open homes.

Towards the end of April on the 27th we signed a contract for our new house!! A corner block, much larger house, with a pool, media, office and 4 bedrooms. All our dreams were coming true!!!

May - We had a South Pacific Cruise on Carnival. We went with mum and had a good time, Elody loved singing dancing, the buffet and ice-cream!

June - The two houses settled. We moved out of our first home and into our new home!! We were so happy and excited and still in shock that this amazing house was ours.

July - July was settling into our new house.

August - My mum moved down to live with us!

September - E moved into toddler 2 room at her school! We spent father's day at a nice distillery in the mountain which was fun and something different.

October - I turned 30 and my husband and I went to one of our bucket list destinations: THE MALDIVES!!! We had an amazing time!! It was everything I ever dreamt of and more.

November - We got a brand new Mitsubishi Outlander!! 7 seater car

December - On 9th December I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2!!!! I was so shocked it happened so fast. On the same day, mum and I also went to the Lady Gaga concert!!! Which was my first concert and was so incredible. She is one of my favourite artists and was my favourite when I was a teenager so my inner child was so happy!!

We also had our first christmas in our new house. It was so nice to be able to have my family and my husbands family all together, swimming in the pool and enjoying our house!!

It was an amazing year. Everything I put on my vision board at the beginning of the year came true: A new house, the Maldives and falling pregnant. It was an incredible year.

It was also amazing watching how much our toddler grew and changed. She is hilarious and talks non-stop!! she's incredible.

[thoughtfulnessme]

September

Super random but in September I kept a tally of a few things.

From my coffee machine I had 33 coffees.

One boss coffee,

Four take away coffees which is pretty good for me, usually it's a lot more.

Work out - 9 times. Not my best.

I drank alcohol on 6 different occasions.

Ate out 4 times, had takeaway 3 times which is pretty good.

I did a 1KM walk on treadmill/walking pad 11 times.

I had a pepsi/coke 6 times.

And the worst one: In the whole 30 days I only went 7 whole days without pulling my hair out.

[thoughtfulnessme]

22/06/2025

We have some major life updates.

So at the start of the year we decided we were going to sell our house and buy a new one.

We met with a real estate and decided we were going to list our house with them. We went to heaps of open homes.

Our house was sold after the first open home (in April), for a really good price and double what we purchased it for 6 years ago. We were so happy but also hadn't found a new place to move into.

Then suddenly, in May, a real estate agent who we had met at a previous listing called us and said he had an off market property we could come look at. It was in the area we wanted, had a media, office, pool, corner block and yard.

I still had my doubts but we put in an offer and it was accepted! From there, everything moved quite quickly and we were then waiting for settlement. We had only looked at the property briefly so i really didn't remember much of the place.

Finally, the day of settlement came around, 10th of June.

We went to place and it was amazing, there were things in the house that I didn't even realise we had.

It didn't hit me that the place was ours until I was walking down the hallway unpacking my stuff. I felt immense gratitude and just couldn't believe that this was our new house!! It is perfect and has everything we had ever wanted. Everything really worked out for us and the universe delivered.

We have a massive master, heat lamps, ducted air on, mirrored sliding doors, smart house where you control the lights from the ipad and the app, a quiet area surrounded by trees, big kitchen with a massive stove, 4 bedrooms. The house is amazing and every day I am so so happy and grateful that we get to live here and watch our children get older. Its close to a school and is only 5 minutes away from our old house. We are so blessed.

It was bittersweet leaving the house we made our first home, the home we got engaged and found out we were pregnant and the home we brought our first child home to and watched grew up before our eyes.

I thought I would be sadder about leaving our old home but the fact that I am so in love with this house definitely helped.

[thoughtfulnessme]

29/01/2025

All I really use this for now is to do yearly wraps up to help me remember the year I had.

2024 was my best year. I was so incredibly blessed to get to spend the whole year at home with my daughter who will be 2 in a month and a bit!! We spent the year having park dates, swimming, playgroups, babychino dates and just doing random things.

I got to watch her transform from a baby into this beautiful, vibrant, hilarious, kind, compassionate, determined little girl. The memories we made together in 2024 are ones I will cherish forever. She is the most special little soul and has really taught me to appreciate every single moment. So lets see what we did this year.

January - tried to get back on track after christmas

February - We took bubba on her first cruise for my brother's 21st!! My brother and family didn't know we were coming, we completely surprised them which was amazing. Bub also took her first steps on the cruise!!

March - Our daughters Berry First Birthday!! She turned 1 and we just couldn't believe we were now parents of a 1 year old. She also started walking.

April - My dad came down to Easter and bub had her first proper easter egg hunt! She loved running around collecting eggs. We also went away with my inlaws for the weekend and stayed at a waterfront cabin which was really nice

May- P turned 30!! I got him 30 presents to mark the occasion (one to open every day in May) and also surprised him with my brothers coming down and surprised him with a 3 bed apartment!!

June - Mum came down and spent time time with us

July - We decided we wanted to build a new house with coral homes. We even went so far as to sign a contract for land that was 450square metres!!! So we spend a lot of the next few months researching and looking at display homes.

August - We had a staycay with mum at the casino and P and I won over a thousand on roulette!! I took bub to the local show and she loved patting the animals

September - It was around this time we decided we didn't want to build - we realised it would be too expensive and we would only be on very small land.

It also started to warm up again in September so we went to the beach as a family for fathers day!!

October - We went to Fiji again!! This time we took some other family members and we had a great time. Also for my 29th birthday, my mum surprised me by coming down and rocking up at my front door at night time! I was shocked

November - Dad, my brother and step mum so we got to spend some fun time with them!

December - We took bub to my home town for Christmas! We had an amazing time spending Christmas and New Years with family. She loved swimming in the pool.

[thoughtfulnessme]

24/04/2023

It's been a hot minute since I've written anything but my baby girl's absolute perfection has me all in my feels. She is 14 months and everyday I am still in so much awe of her and in disbelief that she is actually all mine!! My daughter!!

Anyway...I have now been breastfeeding her for 14 months and it is still the most precious thing. I love it so much even thought she now signs "Milk" at me almost every hour of the day. We call them her crabby hands as she looks like a grab pinching the air. When I go into her room after 10 hours of not seeing her all night, the first thing she does when she sees me is sign milk.

Just now, I was feeding her to sleep for her midday nap. She was snuggled into me, her little body and little legs resting in my lap. Her face snuggled into me as she nursed and slowly drifted off to sleep. She had her right hand rested on my breast which she also uses to squeeze my skin to get more milk. And it just got me thinking about how these beautiful, precious moments I will remember forever but she will never remember these moments and it kind of broke my heart.

She won't remember snuggling into me as she feeds, she won't remember my milk slowly helping her drift off to sleep. She won't remember signing milk and then me picking her up and tucking me in close to me.

I cherish every day with her and find so much joy in every single day but she won't remember these things. Time is a thief.

Even though she won't remember, I know that she will know that she had the best babyhood. She was loved for every second. Her dad and I loved spending the evenings with her and watching her play. We loooved going for walks with her and especially loved when she would reach out to hold both of our hands. We loved when she learnt to give us kisses.

Breastfeeding her has been such a gift and it doesn't seem like she will be slowing down any time soon which is fine by me. I love holding her close to me in our nursing chair and watching her little face as she falls asleep.

I love feeding her and she looks up at me and smiles or giggles or stuffs her fingers into my mouth and thinks it is so funny.

Most of all, I love being her mum with all my heart and soul. Lately, I have been finding myself feeling so emotional when I look at her or think about her because I just love her so freaking much. This last year with her has been the best of my life. I was born to be her mother. She is the sweetest soul. Every day she amazes me with how clever she is. She recently started feeding her bunny and baby her food after I showed her one time. She loves reading her books and trying to figure out how things work like zips.

Lately she's been loving grabbing her onsies and walking them all around the house, playing peak-a-boo by putting it over her head, it keeps her busy for so long.

I just love her so much.

[thoughtfulnessme]

30/12/2023

So, it's been a hot minute since I posted anything.

Our baby girl is now nearly 10 months old, she is the most amazing little girl. She is so funny, silly, clever. She loves exploring her little world, she loves being outside and playing with trees and looking at birdies. She loves splashing in water and giving cuddles. She smiles all day and loves when we chase her around crawling. I cannot believe she is almost 10 months old and this year is almost over.

2023 - the year our baby was born & the year we became parties. It was the best, happiest but also hardest year of our lives. We overcome a lot but everyday is such a blessing with our beautiful little girl. I love watching her grow and develop every day. Let's do the yearly recap of 2023!!

January - I had my baby shower at my home surrounded by my closest family and friends, I had the best time!!

February - I started my mat leave and (im)patiently waited for my little girl to arrive.

March - Our girl arrived on 6th March after 38 hours of labour. It was so intense, traumatic and ended in an emergency c section but our girl was happy & healthy!!

The birth process effed me up pretty mentally. I suffered post natal depression and insomnia!

April - We had our babies first easter and my brothers, stepmum and dad met our daughter

May - celebrated my first mother's day with my mum and bubba

June - I finally got the hang of looking after my baby. Emotionally, I was feeling so much better and felt more like myself! Mum went home and it was just me and hubby looking after bubs. At the end of the month, my dad & brothers came to visit again.

July - Bubba started baby sensory and swimming and enjoyed both. It was so adorable seeing her get more confident each week and interact with other babies.

August - Bubba started solids! At first, she absolutely hated food.

September- celebrated our first fathers day as a family, bub started sitting up by herself.

October - my mum came back down for a visit, we celebrated my birthday altogether, bub started crawling and we had our first family holiday to Fiji which was amazing!!

November - my dad and step mum visited again and we had a great time.

December - Our baby's first christmas!! We spent it with my mum, brothers and my in laws. We had the best time spending time together, going to lunch, dinner and the beach.

We had the most amazing year!!! It will be sad to see this year go but I am excited to see what 2024 brings!!