Chasing happiness

This blog has a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Need a place to share my thoughts.

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the loneliness of having no one to share your sadness with

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Today I'm grateful for people who share all of themselves because it makes me feel comfortable enough to share all of me. That's all you need sometimes, to be able to share all of yourself, unfiltered. To be able to connect at a deeper level.

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Stuck between feeling lonely and wanting to be left alone.

On one hand I feel so alone in the universe because nobody knows the real me, and on the other hand I never share anything personal because I dont want people to really see me or know me. The thought of someone seeing me for who I really am, of being so exposed, that scares me.

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Everytime I think I'm at my lowest, I slip further down.

The light at the end of the tunnel is no longer visible.

Just complete darkness.

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You think I’m tepid but I’m misdiagnosed.

@tessaviolet What a great song.

[minuty]

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I've been ruminating over my relationships with the men in my life and I resent the fact that I can't be as deeply involved with them as I am with my female friends, for fear that my interest in them will be misconstrued as romantic interest. Honestly, I just want to get to know people and have wholesome platonic relationships. I want to know what motivates them, what gives them their humanity, their experiences and struggles. Their perception of the world and the universe.

And it would also be great to be able to just walk anywhere at anytime without feeling unsafe, but that's for another day.

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On and on we go,

one day to the next,

and nothing ever happens.

[leoreturns-deactivated20110811]

[tumboner]

leoreturns:

I have been waiting all year to post this.

omg

[southbreak]

Today is the day

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What's left

Pack unpack

Pack unpack

Pack unpack

Keep moving.

My life has become a constant series of opening and closing boxes.

Giving away everything I don't need everytime I move.

Carrying less and less with me with every move.

At one point I'll be left with nothing.

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On attachment.

I think the reason I’ve avoided getting into a relationship or even letting myself consider the possibility of being with someone is because I’m scared of getting too attached. I’m scared of obsessing over the other person and getting hurt. Of getting carried away and changing my life goals and plans to fit the other person in. Of letting the other person have that kind of power over me. And then what if the other person leaves? That’s bound to happen right? Nothing is permanent in life and I know that. So I'm just trying to save myself from the pain of being let down by people. If you don’t let people in, they can’t break you. They won’t have any kind of power over you.

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Positive thinking and therapy....

I don't know who needs to hear this today but being positive does wonders. It's not always easy to stay positive though and that's where a therapist comes in. If you aren't already in therapy, I urge you to give it a go.

[minuty]

“The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.”

—

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I'm desperate for someone to notice me. How pathetic is that?

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I'm me and I'm real

I'm me, I'm real and I need to stop trying to imagine this ideal and unachievable version of myself. I keep trying to run away from my life, hoping to have a better life this time around. Uprooting everything and moving every couple of years, hoping to start fresh. It never works. I need to accept myself and the fact that moving to a new place is not going to change anything. It's exciting at first but then I fall back into the same routine. The same fears, the same doubts, the same yearning for a better life and a better me who does everything right and is good at everything. It's a very unsustainable way to live. We're all human and we have flaws.

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People often tell me that I'm "smart" so I don't need to worry. But I think the only reason they think that is because (a) I wear spectacles and (b) I always have a kind of serious look on my face. Like my eyebrows are always in mid-frown phase.

Also, I hang out with people who are extremely creative and not very academically oriented. I'm not creative in the least. So among a bunch of artists who can literally make movies and paintings, I look more studious or "intelligent" than I really am.

Because I'm really not. I'm the most average person both in terms of looks and intelligence. I love to read, but the books I read are mostly fantasy fiction and I don't think reading fiction makes you smarter or anything. Its more like an escape for me.

This makes me worry about my future all the more. Because all my artistic friends are extremely creative and my academic friends spend more time on studies and do better than me. So I'm just stuck in a limbo, not having the best of either world. Just being utterly average at everything.

Honestly I don't know what the point of this post is. I was just thinking this all of last night while trying to sleep. Does anyone else feel this way?

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Sometimes I worry that the only reason I'm always extremely nice to people is because I'm actually a terrible person and I don't want anyone to know so I over-compensate by being as sweet as I can.