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[thoughtsfromaging]

Something I can’t do

Give up on you

You mean so much to me and honestly I’d do anything to heal that place I broke.

I’ve spent time being mad.

I’ve spent time being sad.

But I want to forget that pain and suffering because it was meant to happen. It was meant to happen for me to understand you.

Something I can’t do is give up on you.

[thoughtsfromaging]

Dream 11/18/19

So me and my friend, or well ex best friend, have been on the outs with eachother for over a year now. I’m not sure if I’d even consider her a friend anymore, more of just someone I know and happen to of gone to the same highschool with. Anyway shits weird now. And I’ve finally come to terms with it. And it’s honestly whatever.

So getting to my dream.

For whatever reason last night she decided to pop into one of my freaky ass dreams. Which is unfortunate because anytime she does, I try to apparently save her bitchass and it doesn’t end up working.

So it’s crazy. I was in some parallel universe or some shit. Idk maybe I died or something, that’s been a big dream idea on my mind for months now. Anyways, there were floors in this parallel universe, and the closer to the top you were, the safer you were??? Idk again, weird shit. Well there was an elevator, of course, to get you to and from the different floors. And I’m talking tons of floors. For some reason I remember beginning the dream on like floor 457. Well the universe I was in was apparently doomed and going to be destroyed, so we were trying to get to the top to fly out. I know what you’re thinking some Willy Wonka bullshit. Just imagine like a tall ass skyscraper parallel universe. Well this bitch popped up in my dream, and needed to go with me to the top floor. But in reality everyone need to go, but that wasn’t going to happen. Of course, I felt the need to help her. Well I tried to get her on the elevator and she missed her opportunity. Basically she just didn’t get on the dumb thing. And then I zoomed to the top, escaping. When I got to the top I was apparently safe, and actually met someone that helped me figure the weird shit out. So yeah, dope I guess.

I like to try to think about dreams and figure out why I dreamed them in the first place. I mean they are your subconscious acting out anyways.

The only way I can interpret this, is that I’m okay with our friendship dying? Crazy right? Idk why I’m interpreting this this way, but that’s how it’s gonna be. When I got to the top I was fully relieved. I was relieved to be without her. For a second I thought about trying to go back to save her but I got caught up in saving myself. Sounds bad but I feel like my entire life I’ve tried to save, and protect her from everything. She’s had several things happen to her that sucked and I always hated it for her. I wanted to shield and change her view of what was going on in her life, but it was always like I was too much for her. She’s even said this herself, it’s partially the reason why she decided to dissipate from my life with no explanation. And then on top of all that time trying to save and help her (to what I thought) she shunned me from being apart of her life 8 years later. It was upsetting at the time, and really sent me into a downward spiral. I reflected a lot on myself. Thinking I wasn’t good enough, or I had deserved to lose my favorite person. But that’s just not true. I think now I know she doesn’t necessarily deserve to be apart of my life either. She chose to no longer be friends, I never chose that. I mean think about my dream. I chose to help her, she chose not to be helped. Crazy, huh?

I may try to save her but chances are she’ll never take my hand again. So in that case I give up. I’m no longer lending a helping hand to a person that doesn’t want it. I truly feel like I’ve tried everything, but now it’s time for me to just be okay with it, and find better people.

[thoughtsfromaging]

Woooo. Come a long way from 2014. Had some more dips after that but TUmblr didn’t need to witness that

[thoughtsfromaging]

My nights

I spend my nights wondering where I'll be in the next five years. I spend my nights thinking about all the things I've done wrong and how I can make them right. I spend my nights in tears. I spend my nights making a mental picture of what maybe we can one day be. I spend my nights worrying about things I can't freeze. I spend my nights refreshing my memories . I spend my nights pondering about how I could be someone else. I spend my nights thinking about all the bridges I've burned. I spend my nights begging to be heard.

[thoughtsfromaging]

Understand this

Look I've grown up all my life surrounded by drugs. And how high you can get. Honestly, I don't understand how I haven't came out so screwed up. Here's the thing, you smoke weed, pop pils, or do some horse. Keep it away from me. I don't judge people for what they do. But I do hope people respect what I don't do. Drugs have tonr my family apart, my brother was addicted to opiates at one point. I've seen him do a lot of crap to rip my family apart. I literally cringe at the statement "I'm high". I hate it, I can't stand it. I've been done with that part of my life so keep it away from me.

[thoughtsfromaging]

Loved wrong

This is a continuation of my last post. Can you love someone the wrong way, and for the wrong reasons? I can answer that whole heartily with a huge yes. People now a days mistake love for manipulation, how much they can control a person, and how far they can push you to you break. That's not love. Someone that loves you doesn't break you down they build you up, no matter the circumstances. So yes you can be loved wrong. I know I was..

[thoughtsfromaging]

So no kidding, at work today I found this on the bookshelf. Didn't know what it said until I saw it. It reminded me of someone. Just made me think to myself you can love someone but is it possible to be loved in the wrong ways? Yes, yes it is.

[thoughtsfromaging]

New book to write

I'm gonna start this whole blog thing over. Starting with what I write about. I'm not sure what people believe anymore, seem everyday faith is diminishing. And it hurts my heart to say that. I'm no one to judge you are who you make yourself and you're going to do what you want. Me? See I don't care what you believe, God gives us choice for a reason and we all have consequences. But I am going to believe what I want as well. The next things I'm going to write about are bible versus and I plan to explain my thoughts on all of them. I want to walk in the light of Christ and I want to help others find that light. So from here on out I'm gonna be a better believer.

[thoughtsfromaging]

Forgive and let things die

Forgiveness is one if those things people just can't seem to always give another person who has done them wrong. Sometimes we feel as if we hate that person who did us wrong. We as humans are full of sin, and we are imperfect as it gets, but we are capable of forgiveness. You dig deep and you find forgiving someone not only makes you feel better but it helps you move on. I've been through some things, held tons of grudges, but what does holding a grudge do but make you bitter? Forgive and move on, don't dwell on those negative things or you will never be happy.

[thoughtsfromaging]

Literally a hopeless place

I've never been the one to show a lot of emotion. Some people call it being cold hearted and well I just call it, protecting ones self from the bullshit of the outside world. People like me are like this for a reason. Some one did the them wrong. It could've been when they were young or a recent experience with someone of the opposite sex. I used to think I'd never be able to have feelings or open up to anyone, but a person came along and showed me different. I want to love again and I want someone to love me. And for all the right reasons at that. I never thought I could open up and be okay with someone new in my life, but I'm enjoying every minute of it. Love in a hopeless place? Nah, more like love in a hopeful place.

[thoughtsfromaging]

Love is patient

I haven't been able to say I've been in love in a real long time. It's hard to love for me honestly. I've been through so inch with an ex of mine, that's it's hard for me to want any of that again. But I've learned something good from it, God sends you bad people, just to show you how good other people are. He puts you through bad things to make you learn. Like I've always said things that happen to you are either going to be a lesson or a blessin. No matter what, good or bad, you learn something from it. And people come along that are meant to bring you good, and you just have to let them. And you have to let go of past things that of happened to you. We were made with love, therefore we all know how to love, and well never forget it. Good things take time.

[thoughtsfromaging]

Lust ain't love boo

Recently I made the mistake of giving someone a chance I shouldn’t have. And actually it was def not recent broke up awhile back. My prob is I wanted to be fuck buddies with him. Should’ve never done that. My whole thing with my ex was sex. Sex everywhere. Sex in the shower, on the kitchen floor, In his car, in his jacuzzi tub, on his washing machine, kitchen table, piano chair… ANYWAYS you get the point. Sex doesn’t make you in love with someone it tricks your mind, literally! Sex is not something to play with. Regardless if you love them, hate them, or pretend to love or hate them, sex does something to you. Girls especially. So don’t toy with it. Sex isn’t a game it’s a fucking physical and emotional attachment to the mother fucker you’re giving the goods to. All these girls play around about hooking up DONT DO IT. No pun intended but it will fuck you I’m the end. Another thing, just because your guy has the stroke game of a porn star does not mean you love him. That is lust and don’t fall for it.

[thoughtsfromaging]

Jealousy does not mean you care. It means you're scared to be done wrong.

-thoughtsfromaging

[thoughtsfromaging]

Not so tough

I think of myself as a pretty tough girl, always was able to mess around with the boys, and beat them at most of the sports/games we played . I never let people walk all over me. Until I met middle school. It was a tough stage and I was always second guessing myself about everything just to please others. I watched what I said I never wanted to make someone mad. Until I met my last ex boyfriend my junior year. One thing I could change. Was to never meet him. Like always when you first “meet” someone you don’t really “know” what they’re capable of. Anger, spite, envy, all this bad characteristics no one needs to have, but he had them. But the thought of you hits hard because you literally hit hard…

[thoughtsfromaging]

Blinded to all things wrong

So I work at the YMCA, but that’s a story for another time. Anyways I see people, all kinds of different people that is. Skinny, tall, short, fat, young, old, black, white, you get the point. I also see a lot of disabled people. And today I noticed something. Have you ever realized how happy a Down syndrome child or adult is? Literally nothing of sadness is ever shown on their faces. They smile and wave at everyone who comes their way, Young kids usually don’t understand why a Down syndrome person is different than they are. Sometimes young kids can be harsh, but the thing is a kid could be mean to a person with Down syndrome and they would laugh and grin as big as they could at the one whom doesn’t understand them. In my opinion they really are special, they see no wrong because they don’t know the difference. And to me not being able to see that is a great attribute about them. They are the happiest people on this planet because they literally don’t know, they know of no wrong. So my quote from The Great Gatsby today somewhat has to do with this blog post. Being blinded to all the wrong things is what we all want and need. If no one saw wrong in this world, think of how great it could be. If we didn’t see when someone was mean to us, or flaws in others or ourselves, we’d be great people. If we could shut out everything negative in our lives, as if it doesn’t even happen. So I thank God for showing me this today, disabled people are flawed to perfection, and perfection is found in our flaws. So blind yourself to all things wrong, and you’ll see all the things right.

[thoughtsfromaging]

I hope she’ll be a fool—that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool… You see, I think everything’s terrible anyhow… And I know. I’ve been everywhere and seen everything and done everything.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby, Ch. 1

[thoughtsfromaging]

Why blog?

Because life fucking sucks sometimes and you need somewhere to express how much it fucking sucks. Some literally have to spell it out. I’m one of those people. I don’t like to tell people what’s going on I prefer to bottle it up, and last time I did that it didn’t go so well. So this is my way of expressing myself. Honestly it’s kinda lame, if no one reads this shit I’m literally talking to myself. But whoever reads whatever I post I hope they can relate, or maybe let them see their life isn’t as bad as someone else’s out there. Anyways, let the blogging begin.