Thoughts of a mindless boy

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

11/10/2025

The sunset shed storms of violent red,

The passionate blood in my veins.

It raged rivers of bright yellow,

Remnants of your radiant smile.

It formed a tsunami of deep purple,

A wall of comfort by your side.

It poured a terrible sea of orange,

Such burning desire for your touch.

And as all the water flowed I realized,

It was just the tears from missing you.

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

7/31/2023

I've filled my cup for the day. Of what makes no difference, I'll drink it all the same. Whether it's hot or it's cold, some will eventually spill. But that's ok, isn't it? At least my cup is full.

There's nothing special about my cup. It's ordinary, but I can pick it out of the crowd. After all, it's the cup I've lived with my entire life. I've felt every dent and crevice created. I've watched every fall it's taken.

There's patches from attempts to fix the cracks. They've mostly worked. But they still leak from time to time, and I need to replace them.

I carry my cup everywhere with me. Some places I go, I'm offered a refill. Others, it seems I spill more than I consume. But at the end of the day, it's always the same cup; empty.

That is, except when I'm with you. Then my cup is on fire. It's also somehow overflowing. The flames don't burn, and I'm able to consume every drop that rolls over the ragged lip. The cracks don't leak. In fact, they seem to close, just a little bit.

Maybe this is what they call magic. When the mundane contents of a cup are suddenly sweet, and the washed exterior begins to glow; all this just from sound of your voice. There are no more depressions in my cup, only in our cheeks.

That hollow splashing ceases and becomes waves full of energy. My cup isn't just a cup anymore. It's a container of joy, in the palm of your hands. You continue to hold it higher, and praise it for its eclectic feel.

But eventually, you will put down this retched vessel. You need to keep your own filled. Maybe I help fill it, but I'm already sure you've been filling mine with the contents of your own.

So I have my cup again. Just a cup.

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

7/30/2023

The fog from your breath on a winter evening

The bitter humidity clenches our teeth

But though I hate the cold

I love the way the clouds roll off your tongue

I begged for warmth

And was delivered your heart

I sought refuge from despair

And was given your eyes

Bluer than my frosted cheeks

More inviting than the hottest cup of coffee

Journeys along separate paths

Needed to join for but a moment

Converging as one

Even as they widen and change direction

For now my thoughts think to themselves

Whispers leak to your ear

What does cold on this winter night

And you and I have in common?

Inevitability

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

4/16/2023 - WIP

The salt that dries your lips

Dances on your tongue

The coffee burning your mouth

Raises you from the dead

The sun that scorches you skin

Gives you life

But what's the point when anything good

Hurts you first

I don't want my cup half full

Because it's still half empty

And who's to say which is better

I'd rather be worse

At least then there's something to aim for

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

7/28/19

Is it too late to retain my title of hopeless romantic? For the glances into the stars of your soul left me trembling. I felt your gaze in mine and the music running through us both. It's been a while since the static stood my hairs on end. The smirk playful and engaging as you averted your glance without turning your head, letting me know you're engaging me in a dare to come speak to you.

We had only spoken briefly before the crowd separated us, but your gentle giggles let me know you saw me and were listening. You were so calm and gentle, yet so alert to the things I said. Every response genuine and full, concentrating on learning anything you could out of the encounter. And then we danced. Not together, just to the feeling of the vibrations in the air. Yet, we were connected. As the distance between us grew in the crowd, our eyes became more engrained within one another, longing to be close again.

After the show, I finally asked your name. I could tell by the smile on your face and the strength of your response that you were as excited about me asking as I was. When I asked for your Instagram you said confidently, "oh, definitely," letting me know you felt the energy too. You glanced to the ground, pulled your hair back and said, "cool," when I said I'd message you there. I could feel you holding your composure, containing ot gracefully. I was doing the same. Because you are sincerely out of my league, but you made me feel like the one that should be more confident in the situation. And that humility might have been the most attractive thing about you.

Let's find our next electric moment.

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

Sunsets Alive

What is a sunset, but a moment in time? Why does it hold such power in our souls? Is it the colors of the sky shaking our perception of the world? Is there a message passed from another place through the longer waves of light? I swear I could feel you both there today. This Fourth of July has been a rough one. I still fight the shifting perceptions of my mind as it loosens its hold. Today, it found another footing. This day is always so hard for me to be alone. It's a reminder of the day of the year you loved most. I wish I had been able to celebrate another with you, Matt. To see you glow brighter than the fireworks. To watch you embrace each l blow power down from the sky. To see you trying so hard to have everyone else enjoy your favorite holiday as much as you do.

I couldn't help but wonder today. What lies beyond those mountains? Could you and Destiny see me searching for you? Could you feel my heart pounding as it ached to see you in the clouds? Could I grasp your souls as I could almost grasp the clouds over the mountain peaks? If only I could have shared even just one year of one of my favorite holidays with you, Destiny, maybe I would hurt a little less. Today I felt your presence in the sunset. And it tore me apart again to see that presence fading with the sun, lost again.

I tried to share that moment. I tried to open myself up. All because I'm incapable of being alone on this day. And I was rejected. Maybe this is how I'm being taught to deal with my emotions. By having someone just as unstable thrown into my life in furry, both of us unable to not love. I just don't want to feel like the second choice today. But on the summit of that mountain I stood, waiting for a kiss, as she opened up to a stranger instead and tried to get him to come for a drink. And when she reached for my hand on the car ride home, I became the second choice I am so accustomed to.

What lies beyond the mountains? Do they tell that secret after the sun has disappeared? Do they come alive and dance with the wind? Does their beauty grow? I walked so slowly, trying to find that answer. Yet my feelings pulled me behind the girl following another man down the mountain.

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

What defines the line

Between the sky and my mind

Is nothing but the holes

Where I've grown lost inside

The debts of the past

Never paid in full

Traded in for an upgrade

Like a wonderful fool

Now loosing patience

And time

What defines the line

Between the sublime and unwind

Is the ability of my mind

To be blind

To those things that fuel

The engine of my soul

And the gears in my cheeks

That allow me to show my love

What defines the line

Between me and living my life

I could never say

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

List of a Lover

Deep breaths that haunt the

Wind sleep well in the sea and

Thrive in the mountains

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

Because even in the city with the noises and the lights

The moon shines bright

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

Beloved, the Unloved

If lust could be compelled, would diamonds need be forever? Or would the pressure release and allow them to wither like the heights from which I used to place you? Would the fall damn you like the songs from the sirens? Or would reality strike me like the angel that never fell from heaven? The winds that carry the sound of the whisper haunt the stiff hair on my arm; reaching between these worlds, hearts begin gazing. I'll never learn the puzzle, or how the pieces are formed. But once they begin falling into place, I will learn the feeling. Don't let me be the one that slept through the reaping, for I've planted the seed to sow. I step onto the soil, unfertilized am I. So perhaps, one day, it will return the favor.

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

Vast oceans

Shiver

In wake of your touch

Divided currents

Collapse

And learn to become one

New worlds

Discover

The air that fuels their crusts

Sacred life

Grows

From the roots above and branches below

Each day

Blossoms

A light that shows the way

My heart

Breaks

Each time you leave the room

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

Once upon a time there was a girl

And she was everything.

She was the sun amongst the clouds

And the rays on my face.

She was the footprints left in the snow

And the mud.

She was the voice in my head

And the terror in my chest.

She was the was the smile on my cheeks

And the taste of your breath.

She was the sound of your voice

And the silence in the room.

She was the sickness in my soul

And your hand through my hair.

She was the shine of the stars

And the depths of the night sky.

She was the cold of the breeze

And the warmth of your touch.

Once upon a time there was a girl

And her name was Love.

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

The Seine

All at once, life was too real again

The world turned fast, and I fought the wind

Will tranquility, the heavens send?

Or will things build until the end?

I may never know of when

Things will be better than this descend

Can we go back to the day my only trouble

Was learning the name of the girl walking the Seine

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

I once had a dream that all was laid to rest. But as I howled at the moon, I couldn’t help but feel distressed. These thoughts lie pandering my insatiable tastes and I know that happiness will only ever lay me to waste. My soul is a sunflower feeding off this nuclear state. I’m shrouded by memories of a hunger that couldn’t wait. I relate with Adam, as I run through the garden. The world has reaped such fruit, that my faith begins to harden. So as I doubt this life, and everything it has to offer. Just know that I may be lost, but I’ve always been a lover.

A storm arrived suddenly, it's strength nothing less than heavenly. It tore at my roots and it ripped through the soil. All just the same, my endless turmoil. Neither the hammer nor the axe could control the thunder. All that exists will now begin to wonder - is this the end or am I the captain of my fate?

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

Elle est plus belle que l'océan et les montagnes

8/15/17

I wrote something around this time last year about a girl. I questioned if a girl I had met was love at first sight.

It wasn’t.

I was just so swept up after being with one person for years that the next to give me attention seemed like she was perfect. And she was, very briefly. It wasn’t too long after the post that we both got nervous and pushed each other away. Even when things felt so right, we couldn’t seem to stay drawn together.

Fast forward almost a year, having had my heart broken from chasing a girl that no longer loved me, feeling like a fool for thinking love at first sight was real, and having the audacity to believe I could never feel whole again, I was lost.

I didn’t dream the same way. Colors on paintings no longer molded together; each stuck out distinct, begging for air. The blood in my veins slowed to a halt, petrifying my bones in a state of loveless atrophy.

I gave myself away just to feel wanted, not caring who I was with or what life was throwing my way. I tried new things and found the greatest satisfaction, only to be empty and hollow. I wanted to fade away, never having to fear what love was doing to me again.

Then I met a girl.

It wasn’t love at first sight, but it was the most romantic start to a relationship I’ve ever had. We had this cute back and forth where I hit on her and she pretended she didn’t care even though it was written all over her face. I wooed her with my charm while she attempted to hide her joy until one day there was a release of emotion and an embrace that lasted an eternity. She was in my arms and I was in hers. And for that night, we were all that existed.

The difference this time, is that the night continues to happen. Even when she annoys me with her incessant talking or asks a million questions or gets sassy with me, I still never want to leave her side. You can even tell by the way my romantic and precise metaphors turned to spitfire of thought that I feel so very deeply for her.

Now as I sit here in Michigan, I can only think about how I long to be in your arms back in Colorado, Drew. I don’t want to say I’m in love with you yet, for two reasons. First, I’m not sure if I’m playing tricks on myself again because you give me the love and attention I’ve been dying for. Second, I’m not sure if my feelings are just heightened because I’ve been away from you so long. But at the same time, I truly believe I will feel the same way when I lay my gaze upon your face and my kiss upon your lips.

All I can say for sure is this: She is more beautiful than the ocean and the mountains.

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

It wasn't, I was

The day I was born means nothing

I don’t remember my first breath Or the taste of my mother’s breast As she held me in her arms And told me she’d always love me

It wasn’t until I was 2 That I even started having memories Of my sister bouncing in her swing So jubilantly right next to me

It wasn’t until I was 4 That I started having a sense of family As I held my baby brother So carefully I knew our family was meant to be

It wasn’t until I was 6 That I started feeling tingly As I was molested So unwillingly Confused by what was happening Unsure if it was supposed to be

It wasn’t until I was 10 That I started to feel so sexually And everything just had to be A good sensation And I used masturbation To just feel something I wasn’t aware that something was missing in me

It wasn’t until I was 14 That depression finally hit me It was the one year anniversary It all just felt too sickening They said you didn’t feel a thing But I have barely felt a thing The only reason I’m writing this thing Is there was no place to leave the rope hanging

It wasn’t until I was 16 That I felt what I thought was love An angel, you were sent from above No other could make me smile But lingering all the while Were the empty holes I thought you were filling But really you were the only one willing To be there when I needed to cry And tell me that I shouldn’t die

It wasn’t until I was 18 That I started to feel abandoned Like the trash you threw on the ground Littering my soul across the plains And even when I tried to catch a plane You didn’t want to stay You put on a show to make me think you cared One with lights and stages and props, beware You still left me alone for all those years Making me wonder why I was ever here

It wasn’t until I was 21 That I finally knew was true love was When it was ripped out of my chest And fed to the gallows Leaving me so empty and shallow Letting the sadness consume me again And I knew it was a matter of time until the moment when I stepped in front of a bus Or jumped off a cliff Finally letting my soul Fly away with the wind

It wasn’t until I was 22 That I found myself

The world has opened its arms And given me a chance To prove that my life Is worth one more dance I’m no longer lost in my thoughts I’m lost chasing my dreams And I’ve never loved myself more Than after I fell through the seems And while this may not sound So bad to you Just know I wanted to die More than anyone knew

But now I want to change My first statement above Now it should read The MOMENT I was born means nothing

But from the second I took my first breath And tasted my mother’s breast And had my first memory And learned what is family And had my first wrong And tried to feel something And coped with my sadness And learned not how to love And was left all alone And had my heart broken I was learning who I was

[thoughtsofamindlessboy]

Happy Days

Yesterday was a good day. I was happy. I don't have many of those anymore, so I thought it best to write this to remind myself later the good days do come. And when they do, they are marvelous.