@novaks-revenge: shout out to my oldest brother for making himself useful today/last night/early this morning and bringing me some motrin when i was indisposed on the floor. good to know one of you is useful considering i can’t wake up the other in the middle of the night and get that from them
Vendetta attempts to cope with the recent months’ events as she slowly spirals out of control
Setting: December 13 and December 15
TW: depression, suicide mention, suicide attempt, overdose, vomit
Word Count: 3,467
Some days were better than others
There were days where she didn’t do much other than lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, gentle white noise playing in the back of her mind. A fog she was stuck in, wading through its density until it cleared. If it did for that matter. She often called it white noise because it was muffled thoughts, noise in the background that she couldn’t make out, but inherently knew that is was no good. It didn’t matter much either way, it’s not that she thought much of, well, anything after the split. It was one moment to the next, constantly moving through the fog in hopes that it’d clear. It never did. But she knew to keep moving, she should be getting over it. Her thoughts raced from one impulsive thing to another, whether it was involving herself in a threesome with a near strange not even a month after the split, rekindling the relationship with her ex-”boyfriend” Declan Chandler, or sleeping with anyone “for the heck of it”. She tried drugs she didn’t think she would, was honestly doped up more than she thought she needed, but it was dull. Everything stopped. Vendetta couldn’t make out why things had become so obsolete, when life started to lose its appeal. Sure she never cared much for the fact that she was alive and kicking, but at least she found some things to enjoy. Not lately though.
Some days were worse than others
There were days on end where she couldn’t get out of bed. Where white noise consumed every fiber of her mind to where she couldn’t think straight. There were days when she’d lay in bed crying over being so hopelessly depressed, or even crying for no reason at all. She was imbalanced, chemically out of touch, unable to process anything within her; honestly, she didn’t even know what was wrong. There are days where she was sucked dry, lacking the energy, the drive and the will to even get out of bed and do something with herself. Since she wasn’t in school the most she did was look after her client list, under the thumb of her brother’s drug ring with no real drive to get out. It wasn’t as if she had the reasoning for it anymore. Her way out was Joel, but that wasn’t an option anymore, obviously. It wasn’t like she had any other reason to leave, or the ability to do so, but that was another story to deal with for another day. On the worst days like these she’d lie in bed and wait for Lila to get out of school. It’d be something to pick her up, not much lately, but she did enjoy the company of her best friend, really the only person that’s keeping her here. Barely, albeit.
She was always a glutton for self medication, anything that made the white noise, the fog go away for just a moment. It was anything to remind herself that she was a human being, that she was actually alive and not some mindless zombie consumed by her own intrusive thoughts. End it, it doesn’t matter anymore. And then she’d step back and think, she always said that she wanted to die but she didn’t really mean it did she? The lines get blurry, and they grow moreso by the day. Vendetta was known to smoke to lull herself to sleep, gentle THC dancing within her veins and calming the white noise, just enough to sleep for however long it’d let her. Later she delved into it for pain relief, searching for specific strains to dampen the somewhat constant pain she was in. She used it for aches and pains, “the struggle of being alive”, but it was mostly for cramps, coupling it with over the counter medications just to get by. Even then, she was still uncomfortable, she was still in pain, she was still upset. It had just become a perpetual state for her.
It didn’t particularly take long for her drug of choice to not be as effective, to where she found herself searching for stronger medications to ease the pain. She asked for narcotics, opiates, anything, really, but after being denied time and time again -- the only way she could get them was through her brother -- she gave up. Eventually he caved and turned her onto a harder drug, Ketamine. She found that it did everything for her: pain, the high, clearing the fog, even if it was for a bit. And although she wouldn’t admit it, it probably did help with the persistent depression, wanting to kill herself just a bit less when she wasn’t in the right mind. That’s where Vendetta would pause again and laugh.
She didn’t mean it right?
Vendetta always wondered why Vaughn chose to help her out. It wasn’t that he particularly cared about her, or anyone really, given his track record with people. She didn’t feel as if he was capable of caring for anyone other than himself, or didn’t care enough to do so. Perhaps he told her about the ketamine to help her, maybe to shut her up about it -- or even to quiet his own white noise about what he had did to cause the downfall of Vendetta and Joel. But then she’d remember Vaughn doesn’t feel guilty, he doesn’t feel much of anything. That night was why she knew that she could never be around him again. He would never care about her, so why bother with it?
It was their anniversary the night they broke up, not much longer after midnight, actually. Where he waited for them to come through the door and drop the bomb into their lap. They stared at its daunting timer ticking away the seconds of their relationship, and watched it explode at 00:00. At the code Novaks and relationships, things went wrong, things never work out. Vendetta always was afraid of mentioning it, what had happened to the last significant other of a Novak. Who wants to tell that story anyway? An innocent person died at the command of the man that raised her -- over what?
She was a threat. Vendetta was conditioned to think such things about her, nearly avoiding the mention of her name until absolutely necessary. Speaking about her means that she had to talk about everything, and that’s where things went wrong. Novaks and relationships stemmed from the death of Angelique -- her brother Vice’s late fiance. She was involved in gang intervention, which (anyone could assume) would not pose well with the life of organized crime. It wasn’t that Vice was going to leave the family for her, pursue a normal life. He very much seemed to like place that he was in. The relationship in itself was perfectly normal, Vendetta and Vaughn had taken a liking to her, admiring how she had changed him for the better. But even so, their father was not impressed with her, and as punishment he placed a hit on her not long after they had gotten engaged. Made an example out of, the Novaks just inherently knew that relationships and them were not going to work, no matter how picture perfect they may have been. Vice left sometime after then, and they haven’t seen him since. Vendetta always feared that she would share the same fate as Vice, where the light of her life, or anyone for that matter was ripped away from her. Even though she could (nearly) confidently say that her father didn’t pay much attention to what she did, she couldn’t help but think that someone would come around that he didn’t like. It would be the cycle all over again, Novaks and relationships; they’d never be happy again.
I should’ve known better. Vendetta thought to herself She should’ve given the ring back, stop holding onto the false hope that one day he’d come back and say “baby I’m sorry, I love you, let’s make it work” and everything would be okay. It wasn’t going to work out, it never was going to work. Why was she so blind? Forever’s not for everyone, especially for her, never in the picture, never really thought of. So she couldn’t figure out why she thought this would be different. As long as her father was alive, as long as she lived the life she had there wasn’t much choice for what happened that day.
It’d been months after the split and she felt the same she did that night, crushed, defeated. The wind had been kicked out of her, the life had been drained from her. It wasn’t much of a secret that Vendetta put everything she had into that relationship. And when he left, there was nothing left to give. She put Joel through the ringer, constantly playing mind games, assessing the validity of their relationship, not even claiming that she loved him until she knew for sure that things had a chance of working out. But when she did god did she love him...with all her being, all of her body, all of her soul.
Read at 9:56 PM
Sitting in the darkness of her room, Vendetta refreshed her text message sent on her birthday for the thousandth time that day, each time hoping it was a mistake. The read message would disappear and the ellipsis would appear, say that he was typing. That was never the case, nor should she have expected it to be. Each time she looked at the pedantic grey letters, she grew empty with defeat. He read it and said nothing. He didn’t care -- no he did care -- just not about her anymore. It was over, for real this time.
December 15th was the day she decided to look on his social media, searching for where he was, hoping that he was busy and just looked at the message and forgot to respond. It wasn’t much of a secret that she clung onto any shred of hope that she could, so any hope she could get would be better than nothing. Vendetta searched through everything, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, even his Tumblr briefly before realizing she hit a dead end. Sighing she shook her head and closed her head, settling back into the darkness of her room, wanting to cry but feeling too physically drained to do so. And in thinking about that she remembered that he had been hanging around his ex: Penny Perkins. Vendetta combed through her social media, and stumbling upon two pictures of them on her Facebook. Her heart sunk, and the back of her eyes burned, but nothing truly shook her until she saw that the timestamp was placed just a few moments after it he had read the text. And that was it.
Emptiness swallowed her whole as her phone light dimmed to sleep mode. Now she was in the dark completely, eyes burning and tears rolling down her face. It was then when she realized that he didn’t care about her now that she had broken his trust. If this couldn’t what’s there to say about any relationship in the future? At the end of the day it’s going to come back to this, the lying, the story of Angelique, the breakup the heartbreak. It could even span into future friendships as she grows older. This was something that wasn’t going to go away and there was nothing she could do about it, this was her life and she didn’t have a choice but to live in it.
That’s when she looked at her phone and messaged Lila, sending her a screenshot of the Facebook post along with a message:
I’m gonna get high.
Turning on her bedside lamp she rummaged through her nightstand and pulled out a small baggie of ketamine. She usually just kept enough for a line or two in there, just to settle nicely into the high. But lately she’d been keeping more so she wouldn’t have to go out and get it as much. Most of the time she used it recreationally, testing new limits and trying new things with it. Sometimes she’d smoke it or dabble into mixing it with other drugs for a intense high, or least so she could come down from it easier. Other times it’d get dangerous, where she’d ingest nearly too much and feel herself leave her body in the midst of the high. Not that she minded it, but she knew where the limit was. Tonight, however, she wanted to be gone. Carefully she pouring it onto her nightstand, Vendetta rolled up some paper and quickly drew in the line, leaning back and wiping her nose. She didn’t think much before she repeated the process again and again, feeling her head spin some as the initial ingestion of the drug and start to settle into the high. White noise was clearing. Still not thinking clearly she grabbed another baggie of xanax holding it up to her face as it started to distort before her eyes. That’s when she took as much as she could then before she couldn’t feel anything anymore.
The room spun and spun and she felt herself physically tear from her body floating into space where nobody could find her. The fog in cleared and cleared until there was nothing. Painfully silent.
Then it became dark.
There was a thud on the floor that caused Vaughn to turn from his dim laptop screen to the wall, looking in the direction of his sister’s room. Shaking his head, he replied to a message from Joel and sat his laptop on his bed, crossing the room and leaving. Standing at the threshold of the room, he knocked on the closed door a few times, expecting a thud against the door (meaning she threw something) or a “go away Satan”. But when he didn’t hear anything on the other side of the door, he opened it, finding his sister hanging off her bed, head first face against the ground. Immediately he shook his head.
“You’re ridiculous, get up,” He deadpanned, crossing the room to stand at the foot of her bed. But when she didn’t move, he felt nervousness creeping into his veins. “Vendetta,” he said softer, moving over to her, sinking down to the floor and touching her hair. “...get up” No response. Bile started raising in his throat, as he touched her face once gently. “Vendetta I swear to God if you don’t get up” Then he smacked her. Nothing.
He thought he was going to throw up.
Looking up from her position he saw what would have been lines of ketamine sprawled messily across her nightstand and an empty baggie on the floor. That’s when the bile raised in his throat again and panic flooded his veins. She’s dead.
Grabbing her shoulders he pulled the rest of her body from her bed, quickly dragging her down the hallway and into their shared bathroom. Immediately he turned the shower head on its coldest setting and sat inside of it with her, letting the freezing drops cascade over them. He watched her chest, looking for rises and falls, anything to say that she was breathing. Nothing.
Why isn’t she breathing?
He thought he was going to throw up again looking at her. She was dying -- what does he do? He didn’t know. After years and years of subconsciously fearing this moment Vaughn was at a loss for words. Call someone He thought to himself, pulling out his phone, struggling to scroll through his contacts. He knew immediately that the logical explanation was to call the police, but with the amount of drugs they kept in the house and their father’s insistence of staying out of police scope he knew that it wasn’t an option. That’s when he called Joel, gently shaking Vendetta as she’s laying limp in his arms.
Joel answered within a few rings, not that Vaughn noticed, because that’s when Lila walked into the bathroom, her eyes growing in horror. “What happened -- oh my God!”
“I don’t know, I don’t know!” Vaughn shouted, his voice cracking. “What did she take?” He insisted, looking up at Lila, feeling the back of his eyes burn. “She’s not breathing -- why isn’t she breathing”
Lila cursed loudly, kneeling at the foot of the shower with them, and slamming her hands into the edge of the tub. “Ketamine? Xanax? Coke? Anything she could get her hands on? Something like that? Oh my God I don’t know I don’t know!” She answered, her voice frantic.
Without much thought he stuck his fingers into her mouth, cringing as she gagged and spewed the contents of her stomach into the tub. “God you’re so stupid, wake up” He cried out.
That’s when he heard Joel on the other line shouting at him. “Hello? What? Who’s not waking up? What’s going on -- Vaughn! What’s going on! Say something!”
“Just get here” Vaughn said weakly, laying his head against Vendetta’s chest, hoping to feel the rise and fall. “God why won’t you wake up -- please get up!” Frantically hitting the end call button, Vaughn scrolled through his contacts again, pulling up his brother’s number and calling it.
“We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected” Cursing loudly, he hit the end call button and immediately called Declan Chandler, shaking his head.
He was crying now, or at least he thought he was at this point. Lila was too, at least from what he could tell, talking lowly into her shoulder. That’s when he laid Vendetta down against the tub, holding his phone between his ear and his shoulder. Locking his fingers together he pressed against her chest, listening to the deadpanning ring of the dial tone. “Pick up” He groaned, cursing under his breath, before performing mouth-to-mouth.
“Hello?” Declan spoke on the other line.
“I need his number” Vaughn said weakly, going back to chest compressions, there was a pause to perform mouth to mouth again, cursing when Vendetta wouldn’t breathe on her own. “I know Vice is alive and I need to get ahold of him, now” Nodding, he listened to the number said to him, hanging up immediately.
“Hey, get her out of the shower and dry her chest, Elias is bringing defibrillator from his job” Lila spoke quietly. Vaughn looked over at her, nodding his head before turning the water off. That’s when Joel walked into the bathroom, freezing in place as he saw the scene before him.
“Oh my God what happened!”
Vaughn, just barely noticing his presence looked over at him. “Don’t just stand there, get towels!” He shouted, carefully pulling Vendetta out of the tub and onto the bathroom floor. Lila helped him remove her shirt, and Joel returned with the towels, sinking down with them.
“What happened to her is she okay? What’s going on?” Joel spoke frantically as the duo carefully took off her bra and began drying her off.
“She overdosed” Vaughn said quietly, typing in the number Declan gave him and returning to chest compressions, pinching his lips as it rang. “...please pick up...please pick up…” he pleaded quietly, performing mouth to mouth again before shaking his head. “God I killed her...I killed her” His voice was breaking, the back of his eyes burning. He wasn’t sure if it was tears or cold shower water running down his face. “Please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me -- Vendetta wake up!”
That’s when he reached voicemail and cursed loudly, looking up as Elias entered the bathroom, defibrillator in hand. “Vice…” He spoke lowly, sniffling, trying to keep himself from breaking down into sobs. “I know you’re out there...and I need you to come home....okay? Please? Now? Something’s happened...just please come home.”
Vaughn wiped his face, looking at Elias as he sunk down to their level.
“How is she doing?” Elias spoke in a surprisingly calming town, carefully looking over at Vaughn while setting up.
“What happened?”
He sniffed quietly, moving hair from her face. “She overdosed...ketamine? Ah...took some xanax with it?”
“And did she throw it up? Did you try mouth to mouth”
He nodded slowly to all the questions, his heart sinking. “God I killed her, I killed her”
“No you didn’t it’s gonna be alright…I’m just going to try and get her heart started alright?” He nodded and moved back from her, allowing Elias to take over.
Vaughn watched Elias as he tried to start her heart up again, rocking nervously as he watched her chest lift with the shock of the defibrillator. “Come on...come on…” he whispered quietly, shaking his head.
Vendetta gasped loudly, nearly rising but Elias turned her on her side immediately as she sputtered and coughed. Heaving in and out, air quickly filling her lungs.
Vendetta: Hey i know we haven't talked in a few months...or a month something like that, (definitely a long time)...so sending this text is really weird since you asked for space and all.i just wanted to say (again) that i'm sorry for how everything with us went down, i'm sorry for betraying your trust and just, messing this whole thing up for us. i really hope that you're doing well, that you're like coping and moving on with it because you deserve someone or just something that can make you happy. at the end of the day, you deserve it, you deserve to be happy, and have a better life without my...whatever possibly messing it all up. you're such an understanding soul, and i'm sorry that i took advantage of that and i wish that i could take it back and figure out another way for us to work out. but things don't work that way, sadly. i really miss you
I dont expect a response from this at all...or even a read message really. just figured i'd say what i needed to say and we go back to our own existences. hope you're doing well. bye?
@deardeclan: @novaks-revenge Glad it did the trick! :) I know it's hard to think so in the middle of a storm but eventually the clouds have to go away and let the sun dry everything up.
@novaks-revenge: @deardeclan :) can i just get one of those recordings of you saying actual uplifting things with freakin, birds chirping in the background so i'd listen to nice things when they come my way.
@deardeclan: @novaks-revenge Never let anyone make you feel your emotions are invalid, and never let anyone ruin your opinion of yourself, Vendetta! Things will get better over time, no matter how bleak they may seem now. 💛
@novaks-revenge: @deardeclan this was really sweet wth
@novaks-revenge: @deardeclan pretty sure no matter what anyone says i'm not gonna feel much different about what happens, but the sentiment does mean a lot
Precisely. It just sounds grueling. (Ooooh, good one!) I agree, though, it just sounds too slow and painful. However, you’re on your own with the “out with a bang” thing; I’ve always been more of a “die naturally in my sleep at an old age when I’ve lived a full life and my daughter is independent” kind of guy. Well, aren’t you 18 now? Unless insurance is an issue in this, you actually could probably make and manage your own medical situations, including making doctors’ appointments (for either painkillers or birth control, or any other type of medicinal needs you may think of). If transportation is an issue, I’ll happily help you out if it means getting you better.
yeah honestly, so yeah i’m not going out that way that’d suck. (aye thank you i try) that sounds like you honestly lol you’re more responsible than me. oh wait true i am 18, i didn’t know you could actually do that with birth control, god dang. you learn something new everyday. i’ll definitely have to figure that out but thanks for the offer (and the info) man, saving my life
Yes, especially since it would just be one part failing first and then the rest of your body slowly shutting down as it attempts to compensate without necessary functions. It just seems like the type of slow pain you’re annoyingly aware of the entire time and you’d probably be wishing you’re dead long before you actually die. Something longer lasting? Gee, that doesn’t sound shady at all. Just make sure you’re looking out for yourself, okay? Try and see if any doctors will hear you out and give you something stronger but regulated.
absolutely
yeah exactly, and i feel like throughout the entire process you’re just kinda like “oh shoot i’m dying what do????” and then the lights go out and that’s it. doesn’t sound lit at all (get it bc lights go out). but yeah it sounds like it sucks so not for me, i wanna go out with a bang or at least on my own accord lol yeah man you gotta get the good stuff otherwise you’re just always in pain and it sucks. okay but i’m shady so??? honestly if that’s the end at least it’s not death by ibuprofren idk. lila suggested birth control considering i have terrible physical side effects from it but that requires getting ahold of my parents and that wouldn’t work out too well so self medication it is
