i am useless and i just want to be dead
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@throughthedarkclouds
i am useless and i just want to be dead
i miss being able to enjoy things. especially music. i hate that itās stressful to think about music, to listen to music, and whenever i think about writing new songs i feel flat and defeated. it was the thing i loved most but i havenāt been able to listen to music for months. iām forgettable and it wouldnāt matter if i disappeared. i kind of have disappeared in a way. and everyone else just goes on. i canāt bring myself to get work done and it disappoints me. iām constantly tired. i still canāt sleep without drugs so going to bed feels like a chore. when i finally fall asleep i hope that i donāt wake up in the morning. i havenāt been eating. everyday iām thinking of ways to damage myself or iām actively destroying myself. it feels like iām being forced to stay when all i want to do is leave. my world is empty. hopes and dreams arenāt real. i donāt believe in anything.
Seiyuu JUNON November 2014 issue, Mamoru Miyano spotlight. (translated by me)
āWhen I can make someone laugh, that is the proof of my existence.ā
That spirit that shines with the brightest lightāthe āsuperstar.ā
Itās easy to think that wordāand that easy, carefree smileāsuit Mamoru Miyano better than anyone else, but in person heās actually timid and sensitive. But for this very reason, he has the power to touch people, and brighten their hearts.
As a voice actor, as an actor, and as an artist, new doors have been constantly opening up before him. Although there are times when he hits a big wall that pushes against him endlessly, or fights with his past self, he never gives up. He never once utters a complaint. What is it that makes Mamoru Miyano tick? What keeps him going?
On His First Overseas Recording and Being Away from Japan
I think āInput Timeā is extremely important.
Last year, my music producer Jin Nakamura, who has been taking care of me since my debut, gave me this advice.
He said, āIf your output becomes too much, your mind and body canāt work together as well. If you donāt make time to sit back and take in whatās around you.ā
Of course, I was always trying to put my all into everything all the time, ignoring my limits.
Hmmā¦About that timeā¦Jin-san said, āMiyano-kun, come to LA. Letās do a recording together.ā
And of course I didnāt think there was any way I could go, but my staff continued to talk about it behind my back and lo, and behold, it became a reality! We went to LA! No, itās amazing I was able to go! The things I saw and the things I heard were really invigorating. Of course, the recording was also very invigorating.
The single being released on 11/12, āBREAK IT!ā, has four songs included, but we did the recording of the coupled song, āMagic,ā in LA. Itās very extravagant for a coupled song. (laughs)
On the Sights and Sounds of LA and Tokyo
Since we were able to stay for such an incredibly long time this time, various thingsā¦Well, many things that I canāt talk about happened too (laughs), but I was able to see many breathtaking and unforgettable sights. Inside the city, thereās a beautiful observatory filled with history called the Griffith Observatory. Since itās so high up, you have an unbroken view of the city from there. The night view I saw from there was, I think, the most amazing out of all the amazing night views Iāve seen in my life up to now, it really was beautiful.
Like Manhattan, NY, which is also in America, there arenāt just skyscrapers lining the streets, there are smaller buildings too. Along that line, the lights of the city donāt shine like neon. How do I say thisā¦Itās a gentler, orange light that warms your heart. Itās a light that makes you feel like, āAll these people are going about their lives beneath that light.ā That view spread out before me farther than the eye could see. It seemed to go on foreverā¦That view is something that Iāll never forget, no matter how much time goes by.
The tone of the interview suddenly changed (laughs), but there are of course some incredible views to be found in Tokyo as well.
āThis summer, too, I have to take some time to go to summer festivals and the like.ā I was feeling lonely, thinking that.
When I was talking about that with my staff, I got in a taxi to head to my next jobā¦And then! Suddenly, right before my eyes, fireworks burst! I wonder if it was outside the outer gardens of the Meiji Shrine? But itās like, if I hadnāt have been right in that place, right at that moment, I couldnāt have seen those fireworks. It was just an insignificant little moment, but I was flooded with the feeling of being at a summer festival.
A Chat about Mamoru Miyanoās Upcoming Work
There is of course my experience in LA, but the everyday sights and events I experience one by one in my daily life might be important input to me as well.
Because I was given the opportunity to go to LA, I was able to face new challenges and have new and wonderful encounters. Inside myself, I was able to turn those experiences into many new ideas. So now, I say, āI want to try that,ā and, āLetās try this too,ā and let all my desires gush out. Now, my assignment is to figure out how to make those ideas take form.
Among these inputted ideas are some that take form immediately, as well as some that sleep forever in my mind until a time when they suddenly gush out of me all at once. āOh, nowās the time!ā āThis timing is perfect!ā Kind of like that.
More than just deciding everything by myself, my surrounding environment, my staff, and what we can prepare at the time all support the decisionā¦That kind of thing, you know?
On How Other Peopleās Smiles Make Him Smile
When our inputted ideas quickly become reality, I want to see everyoneās smiling faces.
Making everyone laugh is so important to me.
The truth is, Iām actually a very timid person. If I canāt see for certain that people are smiling, I think, āI wonder if this is alrightā¦ā and get anxious.
I guess Iām saying that people laughing with me allows me to accept my own existence?
If I just act like an idiot people will laugh, and of course thatās fine (laughs), but I think the various strong feelings borne from good entertainment are what bring out a true smile, from the heart.
Occasionally, if I act like an idiot too much, I have to sit back and reflect on myself. (laughs) But as long as it makes everyone happyā¦
The moments I am able to see everyoneās smiling faces are the happiest moments of my life.
maybe iāll drive to the beach. and walk into the ocean.
turns out my knife sharpener is Very Effective and the clotting ability of my blood is also Very Effective
I just feel like even if i disappeared it wouldnt matter. Nobody would notice. I feel very left out and itās probably my fault. Iām tired and Iām scared and Iāve been here for way too long. I shouldāve jumped half my life ago. I shouldāve overdosed on more drugs. Iām annoyed none of them have worked so far. I shouldnāt be here. I shouldnt have let it gone so far. They donāt want me around anyway.
let me go.
please just let me go
everything inside of me has been screaming all day and iām tired, please shut up, shut the fuck up, i donāt want to hear it
everyday i am trying to find ways to destroy myself or ways to die which is funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
i should have taken more pills the other night
i tried to end last night but it didnāt workĀ
itās so hard to find the motivation to keep... doing things. go to work. write songs. play shows. go to shows. draw stuff. cook food. i feel drained all the time, like everything requires so much effort. and i guess i feel like iām not worth looking after so i eat like shit, sleep like shit, treat myself like shit. i havenāt listened to music in months because i canāt. it stresses me out. iām mostly off social media because seeing stuff about everyoneās lives stresses me out. it makes me feel bad, like iām not caring enough about my friendsā lives. but i really canāt handle any of it right now. i get stressed and depressed hearing about the things they do. maybe itās because iām sad/upset/bitter that things seem to be going well for them whereas iām constantly a mess of despair. i know the keyword here isĀ āseemā and for all i know they have shit theyāre dealing with too, as we all do. i miss being able to enjoy going to shows. and i want to play more shows. but at the same time i always feel so discouraged. especially when people say shit likeĀ āif only you had a full band, then weād put you on showsā and it sometimes feels like iām not being taken seriously and nobody cares. nowadays i want to go back home the moment i get to a gig, if i even leave the house to go to a gig, and it really fucking sucks. lately people get my hopes up about things (not gig related, other stuff) only to back out at the last minute, or leave me hanging. it hurts. iām really exhausted. i feel like iām trying and iām forcing myself to not feel down all the time. iām trying so fucking hard but the reality is no one really cares, and i donāt have the motivation to persist, so i donāt know what iām clinging on to as i slowly, deliberately, destroy myself.
i reckon this year will be the year i finally kill myself
twĀ
iāve started self-harming again and iām back to that addiction and canāt seem to stop and do it out of boredom since the initial overwhelmingly depressed episode that triggered it.
today has been fucking awful. my relationship personās flight got cancelled and iām sad that i wonāt see them today. i feel empty and constantly still feel like i donāt belong in this world/lifetime/existence. i know it could be the new dose of meds as itās still in that annoying wait period before it starts working properly. but still. i hate feeling like this and it hurts. iām already on a very high dose of drugs. i feel like a fraud most of the time. and i donāt know why iām still here.
i didnāt sign up for any of this.