You Cant Be Here

If you found this than mind your business and pretend you didn't because this is some pent up shit.

[throwingitup]

You know, I haven’t honestly thought about suicide in such a long time. Now all I wanna do is hurt myself. I can’t stand myself, I cry so hard it put me to sleep. I just keep going on like this.

[throwingitup]

Is my body the only thing you see. If we didn’t have sex on the first date, would you still talk to me. I don’t think you really see me as a person. You never ask me questions about myself, I’m starting to realize you may never care to learn that much about me. I wish I could be loved without being perceived. Am I just a pawn in their game?

[throwingitup]

You know I’m having problem overthinking. Now that I’m trying to find someone, I’m trying to analyze what makes people fall in love. Sexual tension, common interests, just being in the right place at the right time. I don’t think I understand what it means to be in love. I’ve been looking at my friendships for answers. Does everyone feel this way. Is everyone trying to understand each other.

[throwingitup]

I’ve had anxiety since yesterday. He came in right before my lunch started and wave hello and went in my lunch. I didn’t feel like spending my lunch with him but I’m scared he thinks I’m avoiding him. I believe I deserve space and just cause he is here doesn’t mean he’s entitled to my time. However my anxiety ruined my time to myself and it felt like I couldn’t relax. I’m trying to not allow myself to overthink but it so hard. I really like him I just feel like I spend every moment doing something and I have no time for myself.

[throwingitup]

I wish I didn’t have the jitters. I want to him to take the first step. Or at least understand what I want. I was super stressed and I stoped at work and reached and grip motioned to him hand. He didn’t get it but let me touch his hand. It was quick and afterwards he said he doesn’t think that he that antisocial but he finds me confusing. I feel like I’m being obvious but I hate bring any more obvious

[throwingitup]

Recently I have felt a romantic connection between me and another person. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I want to make the first move but I’m scared I’ll come off as weird. What if they don’t like me at all and just say yes to avoid disappointing me. What if I’m dissatisfied with them. I feel like I often idealize people in my head but what if my anxieties are just me creating obstacles. I’m really stuck and feel like I can’t share these thoughts with anyone

[jarrodrc]

Chillers, 2000

[quietmoment2]

honestly this was / is still my aesthetic

[slocotion]

one of these days i gotta buy rpg maker

[throwingitup]

I’ve explained that emptiness to you. How don’t exactly feel like anyone or anything. It’s weird how detachment can’t be explained. How it can be linked to past. How I’m still trying reconcile with the past and still trying to decide how to treat those who have treated me badly. What made me choose anger and resentment. How do I equate my resentment towards you and the things you have put me through. The the years of fear and anger and helplessness. Sometimes I wish I was a forgiving person and I get upset that by expressng this makes me like you. You only cared about power, it made you feel strong to put someone down. Power has flipped and I understand the feeling. But I don’t think it’s fair. I’ll continue my lack of physical contact with you. You are the one that trained me to be this way.

[throwingitup]

I’ve gotten bad at taking care of my hygiene again. Everytime I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see. I feel like there last choice. They don’t want to be with me. To be fair this not how I saw this year going. I finally felt like I was going somewhere. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I didn’t want it to be this way for us

[throwingitup]

It’s like getting car sick. It start with a sweaty throat. A small trait popping up to ruin my mood. It makes me feel small and ridiculous

[throwingitup]

I don’t feel anything. I don’t really have romantic feelings. I lust after people but I’m dont have a connection with people. I see people as an object I can use to fulfill my wasted youth. I dont think I have the mental capacity to be in a serious relationship. I’d hate to disappoint someone

[throwingitup]

It was weird admitting to being abused. It was the first time I have out right said it. Not sure how I feel about it.

[throwingitup]

I’m trying to learn to open up with others. Sometimes I don’t understand why people take the time to understand me but I’m glad they do. It feels extremely difficult for me. I get so nervous out of nowhere

[throwingitup]

I think that everyone might not hate me, thus is just a new way my seasonal depression is surfacing. I realized around this time my brain convinces me that all of my closet friends hate me but not that I have no friends I just believe all my coworkers do. I’m the reason why people avoid talking to me. It’s my fault no one want to be near me... it’s because I’m delusional.

[throwingitup]

It’s funny that I put myself in theses moods. My anxiety was so high and I felt like everyone was analyzing me. I was scared to make eye contact with him. I wonder if that pisses him off. I wish that I could connect with others, no one likes me

[throwingitup]

I love when I get half your attention. Literally can’t take a break to talk. I’m that important anyway