Let’s face it, rejection is one of those things that absolutely BLOWS. It’s never fun. And yet, why is it that as of lately, the fear of being rejected almost feels worse to me than actual rejection itself?
I’m not sure how to describe it aside from this: a gnawing feeling inside of you which has convinced you that even though things with a certain someone may seem to be smooth sailing at present, it could all be gone in instant. It has convinced you that all of the worst case scenarios you have conjured up in your mind will manifest. Your mind will also then begin, like an old movie in which you’ve memorized the scenes, to replay all the previous times you’ve experienced rejection. Which leaves you feeling disheartened, and makes you question whether pursuing this person is even worth enduring that pain all over again…
In regards to actually being rejected, I am always left wondering where I went wrong. How did I mess this up? For one reason or another, my initial response to rejection is to blame myself. For being the reason why things deteriorated. Is that response simply a result of me lacking self-love, or self-worth? These are questions I feel that one (especially myself) must ask themselves, and try to address, in order to have a healthy love life. Because by continuing to live by old patterns/ways of thinking, we will never grow or attain whatever it is that we’re striving for, such as a healthy, loving, and lasting romantic relationship.
But that feeling, that awful feeling of fear and/or all the unpleasant feelings that come with rejection…those must come to an end at some point, right? Maybe they don’t…because rejection isn’t limited to romantic relationships, it can occur within friendships as well. So with that being said, there must be a healthier way of dealing with it, as opposed to blaming yourself or putting up your walls, and never truly letting anyone in.
There is a quote by a mystic/spiritual teacher named Osho, which I came across while I was doing my undergrad, at a point where I began taking an interest in self-improvement & spirituality. This particular quote has always intrigued me, and touches on a concept which I have been trying to apply into my own life (with quite a bit of difficulty, I must admit). He stated the following:
“The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person–without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.”
I suppose my understanding of this is that, if we learn to love ourselves, to be content in our own company, and not depend on others to feel whole, then we may be able to remain happy, even in the face of rejection. I’m going to quote another wise human being (my mother-shout outs to Amma), who recently said to me that a fear of rejection is essentially a fear of being/ending up alone. In that sense, rejection wouldn’t even be something to fear, if we truly had the “capacity to be alone”.
Maybe I won’t be alone forever…maybe I will (I know I know, sounds SUPER morbid, but I can’t just deny that it’s a possibility). Either way, I think that investing in more self-love, and embracing being alone will certainly help in overcoming this fear of rejection. And for whoever may be reading this post and found that it resonated with them, I hope that you’ll consider doing the same, for your own mental/emotional well-being, and overall happiness :)
janainaart
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