Vent

[tiffvent]

There’s this new love book that I’ve been reading that had me reflecting back at some of my past relationships and the one I am in now. Thought It was time to start writing down my feelings and analyzing them.

The first one is my past relationships. I had felt like over and over again relationship had failed because of my past and things I wasn’t able to let go. My insecurities and looking for the wrong guys because of that. 

The first thing that really stood out to me is the faulty filter system: I keep telling myself I am not good enough and that I am always insecure, but there are so many other guys that tell me otherwise and when I don’t believe them. I tell myself they aren’t good enough for me, and I will feed into my fear and it will manifest into me being more clingy and thus will ruin the relationship. I constantly set myself up for sabotage. 

I just need a fresh start. I am tried of the same thing ending and ending over again. I need to adjust my mindset. I’m at that age where I am tired of doing the same thing over and over again. I am ready for a change. I don’t want a boyfriend getting in the way of my husband. 

With Zac now, I am very on the edge and I think that is such a red flag. Im going to wait to see how Valentines go, but there’s so many things I want to discuss with him. He’s so closed off and in return, it makes me feel like he isn’t ready to commit to me. He even told me on FaceTime last night that he's slow to opening up, but when he does there won’t be a question that he is fully committed. He is muted emotionally and I feel like he needs more time to work on himself. Then the right girl will come along. I need to also work on myself is the other part of the coin. I think we can do it together, but I do need time to reflect. Valentines day is coming up. I’m going to see how committed he is. I also need to give him the chance and fairness of me and how committed I am to him. 

Lots of things to think about. 

[tiffvent]

I sit here crying myself all alone. What if I am going to be alone forever? I am so sad that you’re leaving soon. My heart is actually breaking. I wish we had more time to make our relationship more solid at the base. Atleast you haven’t ran away yet and still continue to make an effort. I’m so scared of getting hurt again. I feel so broken and damage. This can be a good thing to heal myself and grow to learn more about myself. 

Babe. I am going to miss you. Thank you for entering my life. Regardless if we do work out or not. I am so happy to have met your soul. You are amazing and so different. You are either a lesson or a blessing. I am hoping to grow and learn more from you. I want you. Please don't go so soon. 

[tiffvent]

Im growing so much closer to you. I am scared as shit. 

You’ll be leaving to go in less than 2 weeks. When we are together, I can forget about all of that. But the minute I walk away, reality hits and I am sad. Im sad we never got the full chance to get close to one another. I know the minute you leave to go, everything will be different. 

Just keep that wall up baby girl. 

Keep it up. 

[tiffvent]

Talking to a new guy...his name is Zac. We’ve been on 4 dates now...been talking since Thanksgiving. I’m a little confused on this one...I really like him, but I feel like he's holding a lot back. It scares me. I don’t want to open up and get hurt again. He’s a bad texter and I don’t know if he actually likes me likes me. I asked him yesterday what we were...and his response was I want to be with you ....but I know there is no title. I just don't know how to approach that. Maybe I should just enjoy it for what it is now and don’t push it. I just don’t want to waste my time or his. He already asked me to hang out with him for NYE which is a big deal and I asked about what would happen to us if he traveled...and he said he would love to meet me half way, come visit me/ I come visit him...and he said he could see himself falling in love with me...im just confused then why he doesn’t text me when he’s up...or talk to me more/ open up. And I get that..I think he has a huge wall im trying to figure out and be patient with....I do like that we are taking our time though, figuring out step by step, but I may need him to step it up before I turn away. 

[tiffvent]

My heart hurts. Im so tired. I feel depressed

[tiffvent]

You ever see something and wish you never saw it? 

Well I looked and I didn’t want to see that in your amazon cart. I’m fucking crushed. 

[tiffvent]

Why do I feel sad when I know us breaking up was the right thing to do? 

[tiffvent]

What do you do when you don’t want to try anymore? 

[tiffvent]

How do we move on with our relationship when all you do is go back to my mistakes? I feel trap. I know this isn’t right and yet im still fighting for it. I know I rather should be alone then be with someone who doesn’t understand me. There are too many mistakes and gaps in our relationship to fill. I feel like we both are drowning. It’s not fair to him and me. Thought we were growing and moving on with our relationship...but I guess not. It’s toxic when he goes back to all my old mistakes. Why are we still at this? 

Why am im so afraid of being alone. Why can I just be strong for myself and end this?. I do love him and I see a future and hope with him. Thats the part that hurts, It’s the hope that people can change. He’ve attacked me on my job, my effort in this relationship and im just so tired. My heart is just tired. 

Maybe im meant to be alone forever. 

[tiffvent]

There’s not a day that pass by that I don’t feel guilt. I read back at all messages when we talked about getting married and having kids. I cry reading back at the long message you sent me about never wanting to get married or having kids with me. I have a lot of doubt that we will last. But im still trying and holding on. Because I don't want to give up yet. In the meantime, I'm crying internally. I have so much conflict inside of me. 

[tiffvent]

Thank you for giving me a second chance. I am over at your house for a week to see where this can go. Right now...I feel sad every minute as the time pass by. I want to touch you and I can’t. Every inch of me wants to come over and hold you and I can’t. I see that you’re trying, but I know you don’t want to do it. You are pretending it all. It hurts so much to be around when you know that person doesn’t want you at all. If I give up, then it’s my fault. I’m sitting here waiting for your realization that this isn’t going to work. You’ll soon realize that you could find a deeper connection with someone els. Someone who you well deserve. Not me. 

I wish I could do anything to change the past.  But I can’t. This isn’t healthy. I’m sitting here depressed. But Im trying to be strong for me. I’m trying to be strong for you. I won’t give you up this time. I’m hanging on in there. 

[tiffvent]

Im so sorry K.

I fucked you over and it wasn’t right. My intentions weren’t right in the first place so I shouldn’t be surprised that this happened. What is hard is that once we became exclusive in December...I fell for you even more. I saw a future with you and I ruined it all. But deep inside me I know this was for the best. It just fucking hurts right now. 

[tiffvent]

Today is a start of a new day. I finally got rid of every letter and pictures of us. Goodbye to those memories and you. I’ve grown into a different person. I am more loved by a person right now. And this is a beginning of a new chapter. 

c'est la vie

[tiffvent]

What do you do when you know this isn’t going to be a long-term thing? do you still keep it going just for your own sake? how is that fair? Im sorry for hurting you in the future. I don’t even know who I am anymore. 

[tiffvent]

Kyle.

Well so much to update about my current life. But I am dating a new guy now. This has been a very interesting 3 months. Lots of complications..tried breaking things off with him...but then I realize that I really do like him and wanted to give him a 100% chance. So we made things official on Dec 17th during our NYC trip. I love how much he does love me. He takes care of me, want to take me on different adventures, he’s smart, motivated, and he has two kids. The problem is that we fight a lot.....and I honestly don’t know if it’s just because we aren’t compatible or we just are two very strong minded and headed people. 

He’ll get tried of me eventually and break things off. I mean...who can even love someone like me? Im broken. Im un-lovable. 

[tiffvent]

I feel terrible about canceling last minute for the marine ball...I'm so sorry A. But I need to stop feeling sorry. He didn’t even like you like that. All he wanted was to hook up. So stop stop stop. 

[tiffvent]

The hardest part about this is that I lost my best friend. I lost the person I would go to for everything, the person I want to tell how my day went or to vent about something. All the future plans that I made in my head for us is slowly disappearing. I feel so empty- I still cry everyday.