Time to dream I would say, or better time to write a few of my old dream down, because I don't want to be alone with them or I want to get lost of them or what ever. I already draw this dreams down, a half year ago and I already tell them to people, but writing is something else and writing helps on another level. The comic I draw is literally just a self talk, where I give the three cockroaches parts of my personality and let them talk to each other and give them a good time, because I want them to have fun and be lucky.
So these to are out of my childhood. I stand on a river at my hometown and on the other side was a women (I just remember that I told this dream to my mother, the next day) who goes into my thoughts and talk (?) with me (Don't sure). She wants something from me I guess and starts to control my body and I can't move at my own and she controls everything. I don't know when I was wake up, that this dream wasn't ,,real" so I had a lot of fear that she come back. I said to her in my mind that I am to young and it was not fair to mess with me and she has to come back when I am 18 and then we can mess another time, because then I am strong enough to defense my self. I don't remember that I dream another time from her, but in the time for my 18 birthday I start to think again at her and ask myself if she comes back and if I am strong enough this time. I also send her to my brother, because he wasn't nice to me and the next day I feel guilty, because he was ways nicer and I believe that she was really by him and make the same stuff with him and because of that he wasn't so aggressiv to me anymore. I also watch a lot of avatar aang at this time (it's still one of my favorite series) and the blood bounding women fascinating me a lot and she was also a reason I want to be a water bender, but I also want to be a fire nation person or a earth bender to bend metal, so...
In this dream I see my dad covered with oil (there was no ✝️ in the dream) and I aim with a bow at him and shoot and then he burn and scream and this goes on for like 6 seconds and then the dream starts again and again and this for three days. I go to school, go home a fear to sleep, fall asleep anyways, dream it another hundert times, cry and go to school. My teacher ask me if I am so tired, because I play to long pc, but after I said that I have nightmares he don't know what to say, so this conversation doesn't stay on for long.
This isn't a ,,dream" like the other, because I don't sleep then (I think I was 14 or 15). I lay in my bed and feel very watched and like something very very evil comes in my room. I can't really move or breathe and after a while I try to look, where this evil thing is and see a dark shadow sitting before my opened window watching at me. I just look for a second, because I have to much fear. I start to talk to the shadow in my mind and he doesn't answered but I think I say something about my dad and love and things you say to a shadow you want to help to overcome his own evil and after a while he disappears, but I never let this window open at night again and always make down the roll shutter.
Its also not a ,,dream", but I think it belongs also in here. There was a music video I watched as child, where a plant grows in a factory hall/bureau and slowly comes over every desk and bury everything under it. It crows over dead bodies and I think the hole hall was dead. A few people shoot with guns at the plant and where he hit her, flowers came out. The biggest fear I feel, was because of the dead bodies that the plant eat in my mind.
The last three I will make short and they belongs also a little bjt together. Her you can see me alone on the graveyard at night. I was often there after I go out, I think I was 16 or 17 at this time. I drove home with a friend by train, we walk a part together and when he walks to his home, I take another way to the graveyard, tell my dad what I have done and how I feel and cry all the time. Then I go home and try to sleep.
I also often feels very alone and that nobody will come when I fall. There is not much more to say, it's seldom that I feel that alone in the last time and I am very happy about this.
Here I feel that I have to decide me which of my self I want to be, because the happy and depressed part are split to wide and the changes between such highs and deeps were to much for me. So it's easy to say that the only good decision is to let the happy me a life and kill the sad one, but only because he is sad, I can't let him gone. He were still me and I love him and it's not his fault that he feels like this and he is not less or more worth than the other. So anyways I decided to kill none of them, but bringing them together again. Why the hell should I decide myself for one? I love both equal.
So I am very happy to write this down.
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