JUst A bLog

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Eighth Entry.

It’s been a while. And I wish I could say I’m happy rn. I’m happy in my relationship, yes. Just not happy with myself. There’s lots of new problems I have. My bf’s roommates have been making me unhappy, my job, my income. I’m not happy.

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Seventh Entry

It has been eight months since my last entry, and boy has it been a whirlwind.

We are still dating/together/still not his girlfriend. We did go on a break all through July, broke up in August then got back together two weeks afterwards.

 I got this thing called “The Implant” also known as “Nexplanon.” It’s a form of birth control that is surgically put in my arm for 3-5 years. I have been having unprotected sex for the longest time since having it inserted. It’s ridiculous what a tiny little rod can do. 

But we had quite a bit of problems before we ended things, I also do not want to go into details about it. But after the break and after we ended things and came back, it’s weird. It’s like my problems I once had before suddenly evaporated. Like I don’t get as mad or as jealous as before. And i’m much more loving and appreciative of my honey. He’s also told me that he loves me 4 TIMES! That’s crazy right, I’m really in lovee. But I have 1 problem.

The sex isn’t as good as it used to be, like our drive is there and it isn’t. We still like to cuddle and be affectionate and cute, but ever since i got this arm thing we suddenly had the freewill to do it anywhere. Before we were so devoted to condoms (we never had any either) that we’d only have sex if we had a condom. So like its this weird build up of sexual desire and the moment we have sex we’re fucking animals. 

We’re not animals anymore.

[time-toread-withsome-tea]

Sixth Entry

Um. it’s been a while since I wrote. 6 months to be exact. A lot has happened. 

 Me and him are back “together” as in our old relationship, not our old boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I’m fine with not being his girlfriend, but to be clear, I am his girl. We’ve gotten so much closer since we’ve rekindled our safe space. But it would be because I got dropped from school. 

 When we finally realized that we cannot be apart, we still hadn’t had sex. Of course, we still saw each other, but I was so terrified. I was scared that if we were to have sex again, he’d leave me. So I avoided it. 5 months later (the day I had failed a big exam at school) I came over and we had. AMAZING. Sex. There were moves he had not done before and I’ve never craved him as bad as I did, as did he. I felt like a virgin again. 

 I spent 6 hours with him in his home. We talked, laughed, bickered, argued, and fucked. Not in that order of course. I took our time together as an opportunity to ask questions. Like, why we broke up. (He thought I had cheated) I don’t really wanna get into that conversation. 

 I even confessed that I wished that he never told me that he “loved me.” Since it completely ruined our relationship afterward. I told him that I love him without saying that I do in the car when he was driving me home. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. Looking at him, it just didn’t feel right. Like it was forbidden. He told me not to say it, but I wouldn’t have been able to do it even if I had wanted to. I love him. And I know he loves me too, in his own way. I’m hoping that he’d finally admit it to himself sometime soon.

To be clear, we’re currently on a break (from sex and probably being intimate for a while) till he gets his head cleared and until his family issue is finally resolved. I thought he dumped me (again) but I misinterpreted it. The break started the day before Valentine’s day.

Feb 21, 2019 @1:13 am

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Fifth Entry

I’m here, and I still love you very much. 

Call me.

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Fourth Entry

It’s been a while.

I didn’t stay with you because I thought we were destined to be together. I didn’t stay with you because I was lonely or desperate for attention. I stayed because I wanted to. I didn’t care if you’d stop speaking to me for long periods of time because I knew at some point you will talk to me again. And waiting for that day to happen made me feel ecstatic because those conversations always turn out really great. I’ve decided to write on this again because I know I’ll never be able to tell you how much I really loved you. I had been asked plenty on why I claim to “love” you and I had never been able to put it into words, till now. I’ll start by telling you the reasons why I don’t love you.

- I don’t love you because you’re kind and loving

- I don’t love you because of how much you care about your family

- I don’t love you because of how incredibly sexy you are (had to put that lololol)

- I don’t love you because of how sexy you make me feel just by the way you look into my eyes (that was cheesy, I’m sorry. lololol)

- I don’t love you because you’re so funny, especially when we’re together

I love you because in spite of how terrible things can be, I know that I can proudly say that I very much love you.

Now here are reasons why we should not be together:

- We should not be together because not only do we occasionally have a wonderful relationship, we also have a toxic one.

- We should not be together because I overthink the most, and you never want to put my mind at ease unless you feel like you’re being forced/feel the need to.

- We should not be together because despite my affections towards you, it is always you who has to remind me of my place in our relationship.

- We should not be together because it is always me who wishes to see you and never the other way around.

- We should not be together because I cannot depend on you to answer my phone call when I need you the most.

- We should not be together because of how much you end things between us when things start to get a little frustrating.

- We should not be together because you simply do not love me.

Now here’s why I’m writing this here and now.

You no longer feel the need to stay with me and you long for change, I love you and I believe that I always will. Knowing you will be happier with someone else will leave my heart to break continuously till I move on, but I know this is only fair for both of us. Because we both deserve the world, even if we can no longer are able to give it to each other. This has been a continuous struggle for both of us to move on, but now I see you’re finally ready and I hope, soon, I will be too.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Claire.

07/16/2018 @4:46 AM

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Third Entry

Ever been in love? And no, I’m not talking about being obsessed with someone. Like really in love, that icky sweet feeling at the pit of your stomach you feel when seeing that one person.

I’ve only been rarely in love and not obsessed. Sometimes I do become obsessed after being in love, it’s tragic really

[realifedreamgirl]

I can’t wait until I am in that place where everything just falls together perfectly

[time-toread-withsome-tea]

Second Entry

I was going to finish my first entry, but I don’t feel like it right now.

So I’ve been contemplating about how I should better myself as a person, friend and sister. Wanna hear my negative qualities?

1: I’m actually a terrible person and friend sometimes. I not only talk shit about friends that I find to be profoundly annoying, I still have the audacity to even call them “my friend.”

2: I’m also a horrible sister. Most people can relate to enjoying the emotional pain you inflict onto your younger siblings since they are “your siblings.” It’s actually wrong of you to enjoy such a thing. Even I feel dreadful for doing such things. I think I’m like this because I tend to have a superiority complex (look it up). My mom would always remind me to be a good sister to my younger siblings since if my mother were to ever, you know, I’ll be the only motherly figure they’d have left. They’re going to look up to me; truly I do love them, I just forget to sometimes.

3: I have a lot of emotional baggage. When meeting a new person, I assume telling them about the first boy I’ve ever been obsessed with would explain the reason why I am the way that I am. Honestly, I just love to talk about myself. It makes me feel good and it lets me relive good old (yet heartbreaking) memories.

4: Did I mention how fake I am? I won’t go into details about how truly fake I am, so just take my word for it babe.

5: I love dick. My mother calls me a whore with a hungry vagina. I love my mother dearly, but she doesn’t seem to know how true it is about what she says about me to my face. She calls me these things just to hurt me, but I’ve already accepted this factor since it’s true. She knows I’ve had sex (ONCE!!!) but she doesn’t know about my recent liaisons (that’s French for affairs.) Don’t get me wrong, I’ve only slept with two people my entire life. And I don't go around sending nudes to different guys, just one. I’d say who he is but whoever I forced to read this probably already knows who I’m talking about.

6: I’m obsessed with boys. Once I like someone, their entire life is basically an important thing for me. If I were obsessed with my grades as I’m obsessed with boys then I’d never know what having an A- would feel like. Tragic. I can list the boys I’ve ever been obsessed about from A to Z if you’d like? lol another time then.

7: I’ve never not been in love. Even if I no longer see that person anymore, I’ll still be in love with them (i.e. mentioning them to my friends till they get sick of it). I won’t move on till I’m in love with another. The thing about me is, when I move on, I MOVE ON, it’s quite odd how I went from loving them and thinking about being together one day to just them never being back into my head again. Okay, I do think about how they’ve been but that’s it. Btw, I hope you understand that when I say “love” I actually mean “obsessed.” :)

8: I overreact. Sorry, that’s just me. If I really care about you, then me overreacting shouldn’t come as a surprise. I just care that much.

9: Jealousy is a common thing, everyone gets jealous. Am I not aloud to be jealous? It’s actually a sin in my religion, but I can’t control how I feel.

2/24/18

[time-toread-withsome-tea]

First Entry

Clearly, no one will read this since not a lot of people care.

My mind has been wandering into many explicit thoughts about sex. ‘I’m not a whore, I swear. Nor am I saying that, that’s what whores think about. I’m just clarifying that because people seem to view me as a certain way when I express my thoughts. ANYWAYS, back onto my entry.‘ The only “man” in my life willing to sleep with me, doesn’t. Honestly, I’ve always assumed that all guys wanted was sex. I’ve met two people in my life that has denied me of giving this pleasure. The first boy (will be given a different name, as will everyone that is mentioned) Alex, he was my Freshman year crush. Oh, how he made me swoon every time he smiled. I was in volleyball my freshman year and he’d walked into my practice area with my classmate Liam to observe the girls. Our coach made us practice our serves (note: I’m highly terrible at sports). It was my turn to serve the ball, hit the net. I wasn’t even surprised. I walked up to the ball, but suddenly an Asian boy with glasses quickly ran to my ball. He was kneeling, and I’d walked up to him. He looked up, flashed a smile revealing braces.

*Oh wow. This boy, like wow. Holy shit fucking say something!*

“Hi” he says. Still kneeling

*HOLY SHIT HIS VOICE IS SO BEAUTIFUL! TAKE ME NOW!*

I finally smile back.

“Um, Hi.” he finally hands me back the ball.

“Thank you.”

He finally gets up, still smiling at me. Did I mention, we were in the middle of the court? Still at my practice area? We were taking our sweet ass time. Yikes. I finally take the ball, smile at him one last time. Turned around and strut my way back. [I made sure he saw how great my ass looked in my spanx ;) ] My best friend at the time, Clarissa, told me once I got back that his name was Alex and that he was in  her English Honors Class for Mr.Sparke’s. 

*Ugh cute and smart?? Who is this boy?*

My coach made me practice in a corner, by myself. I hit the ball a little too hard and as I was walking to retrieve the ball, Alex quickly ran to my aid and handed me the ball.

“Hey” he said with his signature smile.

*Woah. How does he keep doing that?*

“Hi” I smiled back.

The next day at school, I walk my friend Clarissa to her English class. I said bye then gave her a hug. I didn’t see him inside until I finally walked out of her class. He was wearing a UC Irvine crew neck, khaki’s and shoes I can’t seem to recall. He was looking down as he was walking up to the classroom. Finally looks to see me, but he didn’t stop walking. He smiles and gave me a two-finger salute as he enters his classroom. 

*Damn, why didn’t he say Hi again? wtf?*

I walked to my drama class, not caring that the bell had rang. Break started, and I walk to my usual table with my group of friends at the time. I pass by a girl named Ava Lam who was talking to Alex. My heart stopped. I know I just barley met this boy 24hrs ago, but I can get pretty territorial and THERE’S NO CUTE BOYS AT MY SCHOOL! Give me a break. He walked with her to a group of popular freshman’s at my school. One of them were on my snapchat, Gemma. As I sat down with my friends, I checked my snap to see if Alex was on Gemma’s best friends list. (Seems like a long time ago when snap still had that huh?) SCORE! “ALEX_YOUNG0101″ I add him very quickly. I eagerly wait for his acceptance. 

3 days past..

“WHAT THE FUCK MAN”

To be continued..

PS: This is my first entry. Don’t judge.

2/20/18