emotionally [/un]available

mostly grey with dashes of jewel and earth

[tinynachosheep]

TTF(not)A

Aw that’s so gushing lovely but actually chill *Mrs P, I am at least indirectly part of the neighbourhood grapevine and was well aware well before you approached my counter at my entry level clerical and finance-related and also decidedly non-illustrious customer service  job that you and your golden children are #WINNING and #GOALS! and the eptimome of the North American (is WASPY old? bad?? bah) upper middle class dream! Free Bonus: next time, if you actually ask about me or my fam I’ll share that I’m boomerang millennial-ing it up and back living with my parents, and should you make even further relevant inquiries I’ll confirm that I am in fact a gold star confirmed boomerang (elder-ish even!) millennial and all of 1. Single 2. Childless 3. moved back in with mom and dad 4. currently not anywhere close to being of the financial means to purchase a home (let alone multiple homes! Congrats you guys!) unlike your own clearly expertly and successfully reared offspring. All you have to do is ask : ) 

((((((

(yeah yeah yeah this is me humor-ing -ly reflecting on some IRL today events.  I’m glad this is a private/ anon. blog. And interestingly, for the first time in a while [thanks possible imminent mood change!] I experienced this occasion with more amusement and reflective appreciation than instant gutteral resentment/ discomfort/ self loathing, actually!  Longer-story = after some good faith extensions of pleasantries and small talk efforts from me, she let me know that she was actually “in a bit of a hurry” (they own a v. successful and busy business! Those next-gen houses don’t buy themselves u know! Housing crises are for goobs sweetheart!) before (after my having completed everything for her and she was Free To Go! ) she went on for a good 5-10 (ok it felt like 10 probably more 5-7 but I mean) minutes about her kids, complete with doggedly scrolling through her photos on her phone for the beautiful photographic proof.  I remember her responding to my complimenting her grandchild’s eyebrows (honest compliment, those were strong and defined brows for a baby, and I had to say something to all the pictures she was going through) with a subsequent scroll for more pictures find pictures showing the faces/ brows of each parent. (The house looks great, the baby adorable, the spouses real catches for sure, truly).

Clearly it is in part my own self reflection/ judgement / comparison reacting to this, absolutely, and also I don’t think she could have done a better job of being a walking, breathing, live caricature her own stereotype (better word?).  I’m genuinely curious as to whether she was just so overcome with joy at her good fortune and success that she completely forget/overlooked the regular back-and-forth conversational pattern typical of the scenario (and/or follows an etiquette that prescribes a purely one-side customer/service interaction [bullshit way of describing her 100% sharing + me congratulating / 0% reciprocal inquiries from her] ), or if she actually even somewhat consciously feels some kind of competitive (or even more yucky, desire to assert perceived social stratification-esque differences?) drive to #win at life updates etc?  Hmmm. Heaven only knows ))))

*real names may have been altered obvs lol

[tinynachosheep]

hello, hi here

Well it’s been several months since I last wrote anything on here, and I suppose I should either reflect on that, and maybe do a bit of a recap, or just get right into the now (The Now! )...  dot dot dot herm.

Currently 11:20 Sunday December 23 2018.  Oy vey ya. Feeling properly chilly, sitting on the couch with Flowers on Netflix on the TV in the family room with T the dog beside me, snug as a bug in a rug.  Bless him.  And really, really bless him, not possible to be even the slightest ironic/ not serious/ not earnest saying that, he is the best. Was watching a series following a number of puppies in their new homes, and was a reminder of what a responsibility it to own a dog/ add one to ones family. I wasn’t living here when they got T, and also I know he was relatively easygoing to raise.  How’s that for some easily distracted asides! Anyways, yes, T is wonderful company to have.  Grateful for him <3 

Definitely have been having some varying levels of regret/ dispair (despair?)-y  / morose / self wallowing / general sighhh - ing-ish reflections and feels on reaching and passing the 1 year back here mark. Warning  * oop Flowers is getting distracting! Okay back to it * warning/ acknowledgement that I’m just going full on un shaded feelin my feelings and giving voice to the most ~vulnerable (ugh yeah feels precious typing that but well) / unabashedly pathetic / dwelly / NOT - putting a bright/oh ya it’s fine/ Oh I’m better that that - ~ way / part of me. (and here I am now getting towards feeling too tired to do it lol)

Onwards for now though! Yeah Since starti-ish of September I’ve been back in grey-land, fully fledged stewy potpourri of the listless, apathetic yet lowboiling angst-ridden (ope Mama [say like a child in a movie set in 1800s Massachusets, French-ish , muh-MAWW] is in the kitchen and by now I’ve typed this has gone back upstairs by standing silently at start of fam room and then chatted after me saying ‘don’t worry I’m going up soon’ reminding me about having to get up earlier tomorrow etc etc, and // since then has come back and said something encouraging after mentioning I’m writing something for my blog.

Oh gawwd. Just got a little wave of feels and tear re: that... that dynamic / situation of knowing how much she cares about me, how much my wellbeing means to her and also the depths of frustration and angst and conflict in this relationship, the intense feelings of resentment and annoyance and seething annoyance and frustration with feeling so impotently un-independent and in-autonomous financially, housing-wise, transportation-wise, and of course dependent for all these things on the person/ people who drive me mad with feelings of being judged and micromanaged by (I know this whole last bit is particularly a real scatter mash I know I know )

AND YET ~ and yes ~ the object (subject? oh gawwwhhh) of that is yes the very unit / person people who are the most invested in my well being.  They really do care so much, and I deeply thoroughly cringeingly (not a real work nope ) despise that they are the most direct recipients (victims? audience?) of / to my ongoing struggles in self sabotage (dramatic maybe? but accurate enough?)

Aiya enough for now.  Night night.  could get 8 hrs or near of sleep if I went to bed soon xxooo here’s to tomorrow, here’s to possibilities, chances, opportunities to getting better at getting my sheet together.  xyzxx

[tinynachosheep]

Is there anything as thoroughly / delightful-pathetically satisfying as

mid- full-on self-pity + frustration cry sesh, finding you have fully saturated with snot and tears, your available bundle of kleenex/ tissue / snotrag on hand?

>>> most likely yes some things / Just wanted to capture the essence of a sentiment / observation before I go to sleep. Not even going to go back and attempt a grammar/ phrasing tidyup ack.

Also, strongly consider(ed/ing) a recent snot rag of that particular origin as inspiration/ material for a acknowledgment/ symbol of sorts... like let it dry out, maybe dip/ paint/ tie-dye (in realtime retrospect the dip/ tiedye methods are probably very very impractical ideas ) it and then frame or hang like a mobile, like a tangible reminder and motivator re: the frustrations/ limitations of my current lot in life (is the tone of this post coming up a bit dry(-ly) - dramatic? Maybe? Maybe. Sorry? I don’t know.) Just all re: my millennial (ugh that worrrddd ) boomerang child situation.  Takeaway tonight and probably always is, along with an acknowledgment and validation, a reminder in humility/ a kick in the ego sack to suck it up and get going on whatever I can / want to do to get #INDEPENDENT #ASAP

lol so tired.  Good night! xxooo

[tinynachosheep]

checkin on in

Hello hello  : ) Check-in, go with the flow, gentle recap post I think.   I’m at my next favourite coffee shop in town, it’s got a lovely coffee shop vibe, good amount of character and sunny-ness, good seating and window + peoplewatching views : ) 

So, mood-wise / life feels check - in: hi! It has been almost exactly 3 months since my most recent upwards mood change, which is pretty much exactly when I have come to expect the grey to wash back in.  (Last time I think the good/ up bit of the cycle was a sort of mini- / short version, between a month and 1.5 months - I see it as maybe a bit of a more circumstantially - influenced mood change with the move back from Taiwan. )

Anyways, re: this time around - it’s kind of interesting to look back over this one.  I know there have been several points at which I thought “ok here we go, here is the indicator, not too long now till the steady influx and settling in of the grey headspeace. Maybe I’ll bullet a few for visual / aesthetic niceness - 

1. The radio / podcast vs music turn - I think I already wrote about this, so I’ll just summarize to say the moment / time when my music - only audio taste gives way a bit to make room for regular news / radio shows / podcasting, I do get a little bit  low-key mournful because of the historically reliable sign of mood dip it is.

This time around, I think it happened approximately at least 1 + month ago (so ~ 2 months after the up- turnpoint.  Gonna leave it there/

2. The concrete-pouring + river outing day - couple weeks ago, midweek, my sister was visiting, and she and myself and my dad and my uncle spent the afternoon laying a foundation for my uncle’s new garage. I was pretty stoked on the opportunity to experience that (and to be able to say I did it hehe ), and it was a pretty neat and physically tiring experience.  

After that, my sister and I went to hang out with some friends at a local river. This is a friend group that is primarily my sister’s - some people that I went to school / sports etc with in my grad year that I was friends/ acquaintances with since then, and my sister has gotten super close with - all lovely, cool ladies.  Anyways, at the river, sitting and being with the group, it was the first notable time in this mood cycle that I again experience a notable and humbling level of (pretty human : ) feeling reserved and a bit awkward (ie not anxious anxious levels, just not having that breezy level of social /communicative connection and effortless convo that happens in peak optimal-ish eu-/plus/ - thymia times : ) Anyways, I was quite sure that night that that was going to be a pretty sure start of a gentle but sure turning back to the grey experience.

(*Adding a 3. just after posting the OG version)

3. Work feels - have found myself no longer (or to a notably lower level) feeling the highstrung level / type of outgoingness at work, and the other day last week specifically noticed a level of feeling reserved that I haven’t felt in some time.  Basically, less reactive to my surroundings - environment/ ppl etc.  Bit of a relief / rest in a way - and work has still been really nice- still feeling v. comfortable there, in the space and with my coworkers : ) 

I’ll leave the points there , as I feel like I should be wrapping up here soon, and brain is nice and tired now, oy vey! ZZzzz.  To wrap it up, it’s been a little while since I passed peak mood, and I still feel human, and alive, and connected.  It’s been nice! <3 Still know and and prepared to feel the lows again - but / and enjoying the present experience.  

ttfn <3 

[tinynachosheep]

Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset / Songs That Make Me Cry

Woke up a bit before 2 AM after a (very sound! if short : S ) 2 + hr sleep, as has been a fairly common occurrence for the last while at this stage in the mood cycle.  Gonna skip a whole thing about that whole thing and just get straight to the list, my brain will be happiest that way I think.

(in no real particular order other than how I am remembering them, which will probably have to do with how recently I’ve listened to it : ) 

-Talking Shit About A Pretty Sunset, Modest Mouse (defs bawled tonight)

-Pictures of Success, Rilo Kiley

-Water, Ra Ra Riot

(I just deleted a bunch off here because I know I’m missing some faves and the list was starting to include some not 10/10 bawlers (oooh!) but also ones that get me in the feels but not necessary to tear level most of the time. May prob ad to this list at my leisure.)

Okey off I go, hopefully to sleepyland soooooonnnn xxoo

[tinynachosheep]

radio, talking, podcasts vs music

I think I’ll make the intention of this post to be a concise and descriptive and also not overly long. I’m a pint into a delightful grapefruit radler at my favourite taphouse-cafe here, it’s about the perfect headspace and environment I can think of to be finally (kinda, been thinking about it for the last near week-ish?) writing this post.

So yes! This post. Subject matter, signs/ indicators of mood (direction ) changes for me, in particular re: what I like to listen to. (sidenote: giving myself 20 min to finish this post.  Till 10:12 : )  (edit : to 10:16 after a phone call home lol)

I’ve noticed esp in recent years a pattern re: what I am drawn to listening to throughout my mood cycle.  Essentially, the less low/ depressed / grey inside I am, the more I feel like listening to music, and the less I feel like listening to talking ( ie news radio, podcasts.)

I have a sort of theory re: the depressive tendency towards talking / voices / podcasts, and it is that when I am low, depressed / grey in the soul, in-person, direct, in-my-face human interaction is stressful for me (lacking real-time, acute, decisive feelings makes interpersonal stuff a bit dodgy-feeling for my grey self : s ).

However, I am still fundamentally human, and not particularly high on the sociopathy / psychopathy spectrum, so even with the extreme aversion to human interaction, I have a deep-seated, fundamental need for human connection.  That is truly one of the most profound parts of the depressive/ dysthymic experience for me - the horribly ironic conflict between the aversion to social interaction, and the incredibly dully painful deep aching solitude.

Anyways, so I think that podcasts, my public radio app and all my go-to programs with familiar hosts and engaging enough content, they all provide me with the much needed dose of human connection, at a level I can handle.  No real-time interaction requiring a real-time response from me to another actual in-person sentient being, but a real human voice talking about real things nonetheless.

I think I’ll leave it there.  It is 10:08, but I think I’ve expressed what I wanted in a way I hoped <3 Will publish now, re-read tomorrow at some point.

xo 

[tinynachosheep]

July 1 (day after)

(Another ‘diverted-from-posting-to-fb’ thing )

I never did a Canada day post. In an effort to limit my verbosity (?) I'll bullet point it-Happy (belated oops!) Canada day all!-I love this country a lot (clean air, democracy, generally pretty progressive and safe place to be-bunch of real genuinely horrible things in the I. history of this country (relationship / treatment of the original people , First Nation, John A. McDonald was a legit racist, if my mom's family had tried to come over a few generations earlier they either (a) would not have been allowed  or (b) would have had to pay exorbitantly inflated immigration fees purely on account of being (i) not white and (ii) a particularly “we don’t any more of them in our country than absolutely necessary for the cheap labour” kind of not white [etc etc etc in the words of my former students "so many! so mannnyyyy"II.Current reality of this country  (not going to elaborate here for now) I think it is possible to both hold acknowledge and hold space for a not insignificant amount of hesitation / resentment towards aspects of a thing (person, place, or thing lol) while simultaneously holding space / feeling a deep love and appreciation for it. I think that sums up my feeling for my country of birth, particularly in the time of calling to account / for / various real and significant failings in past and present. I'm going to leave it here because I feel my brain slipping into hazy though spirals, and also I need to go eat something before picking berries and making a good faith effort to be tangibly helpful around here.

[tinynachosheep]

On shame spirals

Tonight marks my one-week anniversary since my most recent shamespiral - inducing night/ actions / event.  I’m not 100% about the origin of the term- as far as I can tell I think I pulled it out of my a#$ probs in the midst of a heartfelt + emotionally-immediate (ie probably not whilst in a dysthymia ) chat / rant, to me it describes and captures quite perfectly the phenomenon - but you’d better believe (lol) I’d readily believe I’m not the first person to use the phrase for the purpose.

ANYways.  On last week’s specific shame spiral & precipitating events, I think I’ll keep it pretty brief and general, both for the purposes of brevity/ not getting lost in specific details, and also defs to not revisit it too vividly because it’s stiiilll a bit raw and I haven’t fully debriefed / officially patched things over with my sister.  So basically, on the first day/ night of a 3 + day visit to my adopted hometown (ie went to uni there, stuck around the next 8ish years before living out of country for a year -- > boomerang childing) I ended up, after spending some time at and then leaving the night’s OG main event (a tribute concert <with dear friends + solid group> that was nice enough but apparently lacking enough of whatever [read: distraction[s]/ palette cleanser[s] for my current dryspell / non-fruitionable courtly lusty-love), I hauled my already solidly tipsy butt over to my favourite go to drinking/ chilling establishment, which coincidentally is also the place of work of my sister, her boyfriend, roommate/ a best friend, and where I have a scattered history of good responsible patron behavior as well as a not negligible assortment of messy  + / troublemaking nights. Siiighhhh. 

So needless to say (and I’m going to go ahead and make a case partly that if only I had gotten laid properly / found a cute boy for the night, I would not have found myself in that situation! Which, of course, still does shitall to take away /  excuse my behavior), it was a messy night, not in a pukey, falling all over the place and passing out, making out with strangers kind / level of messy, but I was definitely making friends with strangers all over the place, having random conversation, got on a skateboard, and said some things I really shoudnt have.  Looking back (and even remembering my impression of the experience) my sister’s bf and bff low-key kicked me out (ie i think made it politely clear that it was probs a good time to call it a night, here’s your sister’s address xoxo).  How I got home is another inadvertently lovely (for real!) story for another time, let’s leave it that it was a decidedly messy / not 100% dignified night for me, culminating in a strong text from my sister the following morning ie “(<my name>. Do not EVER go to <drinking establishment> drunk again. EVER).  And holy shit like a ton of bricks there it was, the familiar feeling of shame spirals past.  Shame shame shame shame shammmeee, regret up the ying yang, embarrassment, desperate desire to be able to erase it all, all-enveloping and consuming, just a full-on concentrated juice of all that stuff in general and esp re: the people involved, ie ermgrrrdd omg omg omg to <sisters bf> and <sister’s friend/ roomie>, I am again forever a messy, beyond bumbling and embarrassing lil shitshow to them, bury me noowwwwwww in the garden and graveyard of broken egos and rotting dignity ahhhhh.

Jeeze louise it’s gotten late.  I think I’ll just leave it here, with the brifef addition that the rest of the weekend went lovelier, I got to recover and nurse my wounds (both the massive hangover + shame spiral ) in the company of probably 2 of the best and most appropriate friends for that, and Ive since steadily moved on / away from the trauma of that feeling.  Only slightly tongue in cheek there, anyone who’s experience those MFers you know what a  gosh darn delight they are : s 

Good night, love love love 

[tinynachosheep]

I don’t believe in fate (but)

I’m pretty sleepy and going to be hopefully catching the quetiapine train soon, but I really felt like making note of this experience I had on Monday.

It’s been a thing of mine to acknowledge, to myself and others, that I don’t believe in karma, or fate, in a “there is a predestined force outside yourself / don’t worry, that complete apparent sociopathic a-hole who just [insert unspeakable act of cruelty]’d [you / loved one[s] of yours] will get what’s coming to him/her someday, rest assured!”.  To me it just leave too much unease, too much room for the inevitable emotional and (il)logical anguish that comes from the question of what you / someone else did to deserve some circumstance or another, etc. etc.

I do, however, (when I am not dysthymic at least) believe in energy and how ones own emotional perception and level of emotional connectedness with others can truly modulate / affect one’s experience, in both subjective and objective - ish ways.

>getting pretty sleepy now, good timing, I think I’ll just aim for point-forming it from here<

-On Monday evening, I’d planned to try out a yoga class at a studio downtown I’d never been to

-I was (minutes, lolol excuses excuses amiright) late and didn’t make it in

-when I got back to my (parents’ lolol) car, I saw a message from a very good friend of mine, partly a continuation from a chat early, and also containing a reference to her likely experiencing the effects of a concussion

-relevant: this friend of mine lives with epilepsy, and she’s had a (usually rare, but lately unfortunately not entirely shocking ) middle-of-the-night seizure during which it became later apparent she’d hit her head

-I conveyed my concern and tried to not-overbearingly suggest seeing a Dr - she was amenable, if not overly enthused

-I’d decided to go the the (new to me) skatepark at my old junior high, the first dabble at a legit skate park in multiple years, and keep in touch with my friend throughout

-at the skatepark, after a couple kids peaced out there was one person left, a young jr high / highschoolish age looking guy.  I could not for the life of me get my glass-bottle gingerale open, so asked for help

-holyshit even pt form i seem to get ramble-y. I’ma try to properly bare-bones it from here>

Turns out, 

this kid (”kid”) 

-had had serious (well idk if there are any “non serious!” epilepsies,,, idk sorry) epilepsy as a child - he described some sitches and oy vey

-has training in some type of first aid / first responding, particularly re: seizures

-was the most fitting and incredibly center-ing person + presences I can imagine to have in that situation

-stayed and supported as I navigated my way through that situation - decided to call my friend, encourage her to seek immediate medical intervention, ie take a cab to the nearest emergency room

I could go on in detail, but I’ll just leave it there.  What on earth is the probability that someone so blessingly and genuinely, and truly apt / appropriately specialized-ly helpful for a pretty serious situation (I could have relayed more exactly how/ why I came to get concerned enough to be prepared to (gently, but firmly) insist on emergency medical attention?

Sending gratitude <333 3 3 3   3 3 3  3 3 3  )))))))

xxooo

[tinynachosheep]

Boomerang Child Blues; a FB correspondence excerpt

im coming to a fuller appreciation / realization that is is possible for my parent to genuinely love and care for me so much and have my best (at least most well-intended! ) interests at heart and also apparently see me as a helpless child incapable of making her own choices, and unable to handle full autonomy :S 

I need to get out of here asap facckkkkkkkk

also there are some fundamental clashes in lifestyle

ie i think that flexibility in sleep schedule, and knowing that i am able to (quietly!) have the light in my room on, and maybe even have a shower when it is after dark, like after midnight

not like i do this all the time, but sometimes that’s just what happens, and if I forced myself to stay in bed with the light out i’d just go a tiny bit crazy

but my mom, with her (genuine and I honestly appreciate that it is a real, extremely painful, debilitating, anxious chronic struggle, not denying that at all - just realizing that it makes for a very very volatile combination when we sleep on the same floor and generally share a living space) angsty sleeping, will completely lose her shit on me if this (my late nights ) happens do disturb her sleeping on a bad night

like be outside waiting in the dark outside the bathroom door when i open it to leave and go to bed  and proceed to go on the most epically intense  are-you-trying-to-kill-me, how-are-you-so-inconsiderate, i-try so hard to make compromises for you and why do you do this in return- impassioned diatribe

faccckkkkkk

this happened regularly during the last grey spell and im appreciating now more fully how it probably reaallly didnt do much for bringing me out of my dysthymic turtle shell

between that and my dad's occasional tantrums angrily bemoaning my being a fucking "princess" (because i like to sleep in, esp when depressed, and also am not helpful around the home as much as i ought to be, and also just have nothing to say when he and my mom try reaallllly hard (in good faith! they are really worried that someday theyll be gone and ill still be fucked financially and so obvs without them to support me ill wind up on the streets!)

to get me to open up and enlighten them as to why i find it so difficult/ am so resistant to fully cooperating with and adopting the healthy and success-inducing lifestyle changes they know will solve all my fuckup problems and fix my fucked up life/ self <333

[tinynachosheep]

Gentle corners / throes

Things are going lovely in the grand scheme, comparing to greyer more emotionally constricted times. (I’m just going slightly stream-of-consciousness style, will reference things that have not previously been explain etc etc) The bachelorette was just lovely good energy people. I am currently in a state intense brain melting courtly love /lust and it is highly distracting at times I let it fully reign free in my brain. Sheeeeet. 

So sleepy now, and need to get some real stuff done. Plan is to fatigueadly (I knowww) yet productively putter/ organize/ clean, then nap, then get down to business. Okey doke.

[tinynachosheep]

“Sorry for the lag”

(I was going to post this on FB this morning but reconsidered considering how sleep deprived I am and the likelihood of oversharing anxiety post-post. I realized this might be a better/safe place to throw it out into the universe atm :)

...

love this song so much still. Also, hi friends! Please consider this one of my bi-annual-ish posts wherein I issue a  genuine apology to anyone who has contacted me on here or other ways in the last ~6 months and been met with silence.  Even after nearly 2 decades of this dysthymia rigamarole it never ceases to amaze me how much my own experience of life changes according to my headspace (read: mood/ emotional state). Where I'm at currently, it is like my eyes/brain/ heart / general consciousness has been opened for the first time in half a year to any / all of the positive regard / love / respect that I am blessed (#blessed! lol ) with from a surprising (to the dysthymic me at least!) number of really neat people in my life.   I think that I was  a liiittle better this time with responding and generally keeping in touch, and I hope to get better at it in future. If my past is any indication I will have plenty more opportunities to practice maintaining communication skills and relationship while dysthymic! Happy first Sunday in June, everyone:) I may delete this post later if I get too much oversharing anxiety, but at this moment it is coming from a real place <3 https://youtu.be/mvqa3CuHDZw (pictures of success)

[tinynachosheep]

First post oy vey

Well here goes this round of dabbling in web blogging. I don’t think I will do a thorough “welcome to my blog! let me explain the purpose and inspiration, and a little bit about myself” post, at least not for now.  In my current headspace I can definitely see myself getting too wrapped up and involved in that, and I think I want to just take it easy for now.  From at least the concept I have in my head right now, I definitely don’t think I will be shouting from the rooftops about this blog and trying to drum up views asap etc.  I’m feeling it as a sort of honest place for me to talk about my own experiences and thoughts, and given that I am not in a place (not now, possibly not ever) of sharing each and every fine detail of my life as myself with people in my day to day life, I think that moderate low-key anonymity is probably practical for the moment.

So I’m in between 2 ideas for what to start on.... one is a comparison of how I experience various things (ie an incoming phone call, seeing an ex boyfriend / lover on social media, waking up in the morning... endless! haha) in my two most distinct headspaces (ie when in the grey zone of dysthymia, and when I am decidedly not).  The other is a reflection on my visit today with someone from my past (not ominous or super duper emo btw, but meaningful and reflection-provoking defs). 

I’m going to leave my first post here actually I think.  A nice dipping of the toes I think : )