Truce. @tinytrucks - Tumblr Blog

im going to type because it feels like there is a lot bubbling in me but idk what in the world it is.

I feel, like, anxious. Are these extreme waves of ups and downs whagt it feels like to be off my meds?

i want someone to hold me really really tight and just....be quiet with me . Maybe be on our phones or something...watching tv in bed idk. Anything like that. But there is no one for that. Not even him.

Hopefully soon the move will happen. Then I can focus hard on myself. Stop focusing on someone else and wishing things were diff and blah blah. Especially those days were Kenji isnt around. Those days will be very hard but I have to focus up. Its my only option. Maybe stay late and such at work those days.

its like Im more "in love" now that its really about to be over. I really just want a do over. I dont want to "do better next time" I want to redo what I did terribly. But I will just do better next time. lol

sometimes youre the one who messed up. Youre the one who could've done better. Youre the one who let them down. Even if you felt the same, it doesnt negate the way you made them feel.

i failed him. I failed my son. And therefor I have failed myself.

But one failure doesnt make you all of who you are. I am more than my failures and I can do better from here on out.

i will do better. i will be better. Alone.

A new place is just on the horizon if Im lucky....Its so hard to be here now. its so hard.

We just werent meant to be together and thats ok but why does that not make it hurt less? Why do I logically know we werent compatible but I still am so sad that it didnt work?

Is it because I wanted to make a family? Thats got to be it.

All I know is its been months and it still hurts like Hell looking at him and thinking of everything that could have been.

I cant wait to not be face to face daily. That might help. We shall see. Summer time will really show me.

All im ever going to be is a burden to you. Its all I ever was. Youre happy we're not together. I see it now. youre happier without me. I guess that hurts. I guess...

Im so sad. I just wanna be happy. One day I will be happy.

I want someone to hold me and love me and tell me everything will be ok. I want to feel like everything will be ok..

I want to reach out to someone, anyone...but i feel like such a burden to everyone. You can only complain about the same thing so many times before they just get tired of it...i cant blame them. Im tired of me too.

Everyones tired of me. Why am I still here?

My son.

Thats...why...

stay strong. You will be happy one day. And if not at least he will be.

Stay strong...

Bit of an over reaction but i have this horrible underlying feeling of wanting to slit my wrists. Like SCHLICK. I wish the feeling would go away. I guess I wanna die again. Havent felt that way in a while.

Every day is a constant reminder

I hate sitting with the kids and acting like everything is normal, its killing me.

And with every day Im finding he is less and less dependable. He will be depending on me still when we are not together and its going to be rough denying him because its going to feel like Im denying the kids but I have to be strong. only one of these children are mine. I can be kind but I cannot be walked all over. I cant keep taking care of kids that arent mine AFTER a relationship is over. YES a huge part of why I stayed in the relationship was for them now its over so there kind of is no more me and them. Its so confusing because he is going to expect me to act like they are mine still. And Im going to be the bad guy for not taking care of them but it is NOT my responsiblity especially if we are not a family unit and in a romantic relationship.

Idk why thats hard for him to understand.

I cant believe he admitted to taking them almost an hour late to school just because he is tired in the morning and expected sympathy from that. That is so...crazy, You literally need to take your kids to school and youre just saying you cant because youre not a morning person. Thats beyond crazy.

And the fact that he is so convinced that it is ok for him to just not take them to school because he is a sleepy boy in the morning? Crazy asf,

I truly feel like I will never feel attractive again. I feel like I will never feel good again. I truly feel like I am meant to feel like this forever. There was a lull.. a lie really for a little while but im meant to be a disgusting loveless slob forever. Its just who im meant to be. Im not meant for romantic love. No one will ever chose to love someone like me. A failure. A loser. Ugly. Nothing.

Sigh.

It sucks when everything is just kinda out of your hands. It feels as though it is, anyway. I HAVE to change my availability because he is my sitter so no matter if I live here or not my schedule needs to revolve around his no matter what. I wonder what kind of hours I'll get after this smh. This will effect my income so much but not his. Sigh. But that just means I NEED to change jobs. I'll probably be going out to Andrea' s job. Hopefully they hire me. I literally have no idea if I even qualify for a job like that, I've literally never worked a job like that but she seems to be confident that I'll get the job so I'll have to be confident as well.

It feels like things are going well for him now and not well for me. But is not true. Things ARE going well for him and that good and things are just going neutrally for me right now and I have to try and be ok with that, that's all. But also, I have to remember that if I feel like things aren't going well for me right now I'm the only one who can make things feel like they are going well. Once things are a little more in my control I have to start making things feel good for me again. I don't super know how I'll do that but I've got to try. Maybe focusing on losing weight or apartment stuff or the new job or something.

I hate these ups and downs. Right now I feel so down. I have no idea when the money I'm depending on is coming and there is no way of tracking it particularly so I just have to sit and wait and hope and its one of the the most icky feelings because I'm really depending on it. But I'm trying to just kinda let it go...the feeling anyway. Since there isn't anything I can do.

My mind is everywhere right now I'm finding it hard to even type now so I should probably stop. I think I got a majority of my thoughts out and that's the whole point of this so that's good.

Hearing my step children make plans for the future that involve me and knowing I wont be around is the saddest thing. I will be..."around" but who knows how around I will be allowed to be, in their lives, come summer time.

Sigh.

Life is either dramatic, hard asf or boring asf. Why do the happy moments seem so far between? Or why does i seem harder to revel in the happy moments? Id like to remember the happy moments more. Right now I cant remember the happy moments. Today has been lots of boredom with random moments of strife.

Sigh.

I can't wait to be on my own again. It feels like I'll be forced to do more. Maybe I wont. Who knows. But it feels like I will..

Why am I even trying?

Am I even trying? Idk anymore. Everything I say and do is just an argument. Just WRONG. Just...stupid. I had forgotten for a while that feeling of pure like..disappointment and rage and hurt. Like there is no point in talking no point in trying. Every time I try to get my opinion out its literally shut down. My emotions are literally shut down. My feelings literally never matter. Its absolutely crazy how I never saw it before. I just feel like crying and crying. Maybe I'll go do that. Yeah. Ill go do that.

I've got no choice but to sit and wait now. I've got to wait for the low income apartment complex to potentially contact me, thats a couple months at least. I'm thinking at LEAST two (?) months. Hopefully only two. I don't want to wait much longer than that. If I could move out right now I would. It feels like I shouldn't still be doing laundry, doing dishes, helping with the kids and etc. I was broken up with, there feels like there should be some sort of separation with that but there hasn't really been one at all beyond no "I love you"s or kisses. Thats actually all that we dont do thats relationship like. I suppose we don't hold hands and such so there's that. Anyway, I really wanna get outta here. Its not that I feel any huge negative thing being here, he is a good guy and I no longer feel any sort of...like... anger or resentment toward him or anything it just feels like with my own space will come a huge sigh of relief and sort of a weight off my shoulders even though I know its gonna be a huge struggle no matter what. I just wish I could inject some patience into my body. I just dont know quite how long I have to wait for the low income people to call me back. It could be ages to be honest. There is no real time line so what in the world am I supposed to go off of? Maybe whatever apartment I sign the lease to I can just go month to month. I know the rent is usually more when you do that though. Wonder what the penalty for breaking the lease would be because that's more likely what I'd have to do.

You know what man? Thank goodness I thought of this place to let out these random words cuz I have no idea where else I could let this stuff out. Its just random thoughts and there is literally no one else I could talk to about these types of things to. I suppose I never really had someone to talk about these types of things to. The random stuff. It was never him. It was sort of my best friend, I could talk to him about random stuff but not too often. So this is good, I'm glad I found this again.

So right now its near the end of January, I've got to wait, if I'm being honest with myself, till probably April to move out. Ugh that feels so incredibly far away. Literally it makes me want to throw up. Especially knowing I'm paying bills and such that I could NOT be paying. But I also very much do not want to go back to living with my parents. How do I explain to my parents that I dont want to live with them? Especially when it makes financial sense to live with them lol I just dont want to..../emotionally?/ ...live with them? I dont even know if that how to describe it. I just really badly don't want to live with them again. I want to go from this space to my own space. Whether that's low income or regular it doesn't matter to me. The thing is...I could save hundreds or dollars if I get the low income one. ARGGSDF!! Idk what to do!!! No one can make the decision for me, truly this time. Wowza. And this time people are actually waiting on the decision. Well, I mean, I'm still waiting on the people to call me back but yakno they're also waiting on me to make a decision.

Anyway, I think that's all for now. I want to keep writing just to get the sludge out but there doesn't seem to be any other words particularly. See you later. self.

Thinking of using this space again as a journal just to have a place to vent that a little less public. I mean, its still public for sure but its much less "out there" then fb or any of that.

So, first two and maybe only relationships down the drain.

Pretty disappointed that this one fizzled out but I suppose it should've been expected. We were so....different. I know they say "opposites attract" but we were SO opposite we were just pushing apart all of the time. It just wasn't working. But lord did we try. For almost seven whole years. Lord nearly a whole decade I spent with this man. Its for sure gonna be hard to move on from him, no matter how different we were or how much we used to be in conflict.

I wonder what the universe has in store for me next. Will I be alone for the rest of my life? After these two bouts at "love" I honestly don't super think I'd mind being alone forever. Not really. Maybe when I'm very old, I don't know. There is just so much about me being in a relationship that felt so wrong. Or was it just the relationship I was in that was wrong? Who knows. Certainly not I.

Maybe I've never been in a "right" relationship.

I know I've always picked my relationships. They've never outright picked me, i've always been the one to start them and I think if i never did I would be a 32 year old virgin for sure. Prolly would never have been kissed or anything had I not chosen it myself.

It sort of sucks to know that truly no one out there would actively have chosen to be with you or seek you out in any sort of romantic manner but then again I don't SUPER hate the idea of being alone. More often than not I'm comfortable with the idea. I have the moments of loneliness. I have these moments of desperation. I'll feel so empty. But those moments pass pretty quick if I'm being honest with myself.

I remember the small time where i was alone, I was pretty happy and mildly confident and i spent a lot of time just dressing myself and making funny videos and stuff. Perhaps that's what it'll be like this time around EXCEPT this time I have a whole SON.

That changes literally everything. Its too bad I cant just like give up and die or something you know? After being dumped this second time it would be nice to be like "well shit aint really working out in this life, BYE" cuz now would be a nice time to just finally just be gone from this earth. Just quietly just slip away FINALLY. But now I have a child and so I have to actually TRY. lol That's funny. Cuz I really will try my hardest for him. I guess now I have to find a better job. A career. Cuz it'll just be me and him. So have to make real money. Gotta find a way to get us a little house in a nice neighborhood. Somehow. Man. How? Alone?

I know that there are tons of single mothers who do it alone and do it well but it seems so impossible right now. The first year of single motherhood is probably the hardest I'm sure.

Eventually things will be more public and i guess i can ask people for more advice but for now things are burning slow. Gotta get my own place first and then everything else from there. Hopefully the pieces fall into place well.

Maybe my work friends will get me stuff for my apartment. That's just me being hopeful of course. But heck they are all pretty darn nice so who knows.

Anyway now I sort of feel like I'm just writing just to write, no longer venting so I should probably stop for now. But this was good. Ill probably be using this more. Yeah. This was a good idea. i don't really have anywhere else and if anyone reads this then its oh well, right? I don't have to much to hide anymore. Who does these days lol

Hey, future Lory. How'd things go? Remember this time of your life? Things were pretty crazy man. Never felt like things would be even again but hopefully they are next time you're reading this, I wish you the best. Love you.

Man who even uses Tumblr anymore? I wouldn't be surprised if I lose all this one day lol But at least I got it out right? lol