feeling so lost, down, guilty, sad, unmotivated, just everything that i donāt want lmao
i keep putting things off all the time & i never do things that i need to do, especially things that i need to do myself like, get a job, make phone calls, really, even simple things like talking to my dad about school. i havenāt been replying to people that i need to talk to, i havenāt been good at keeping up with friends, i havenāt been trying my best to work on art/stickers that i need to for others,,,havenāt been doing my best at taking care of myself, just everything really. i think maybe because iāve been putting off so many things i havenāt been feeling so great & iām really just so stressed & unmotivated. i feel like crying multiple times throughout the day, & i do, when it gets too much. iāve been trying my best to be positive & get things done but maybe my best just isnāt good enough & i need to push myself more. i want to, i really do, but will that be okay? can i do that without feeling even worse? i donāt know. i feel like iām trying my best but am i really, it feels like most of the time iām not actually trying at all. i just sit around & mope, & i honestly want to be energized & motivated all the time, i want to get things done. maybe going out for jogs will help me, i hope, & it wont make me feel even more drained. i was feeling fine earlier today until i realized about this new cavity i have, haha...guess iām just not taking good enough care of myself than i thought. iāve been brushing & flossing everyday but i guess thatās just not enough. i hope itās not going to be a big problem because it hurts whenever i eat or drink something. will i need a root canal? gosh, that would suck wouldnāt it, haha. i feel like a loser because iāve made no effort to get a job, i really need to push myself, because making excuses that iām scared or sad wonāt get my anywhere. i have to be positive & just do it, get things done whether i like it or not. there are no buts here, i just need to start taking care of myself because at the pace iām going, i feel like iāll always be a sore loser like i am now. i feel so shitty about everything iām not doing & just want to cry about it all the time, iām really such a crybaby, i canāt help it. with school coming up iām more worried also about the fact if iāll be able to handle taking 4 classes, why canāt i handle more things??? gawains says i can always drop a class if it all becomes too much for me,,,so i guess thatās always an option. but i feel legitimately so shitty if i ever need to drop a class, like what kind of weak baby am i to not be able to handle the minimum required classes for a full time student? thereās also the guilt i feel that i rely so heavily on my parents & i honestly feel like theyāre wasting their money on me & school. i know they love me & do it because they want me to be successful but i canāt help these dumb feelings & thoughts i always have, it sucks. i feel like iām using my parents & i ask too much from them so i never want to bring up things like how iām feeling because i feel like iāll just trouble them more. i donāt like talking about my feelings in the first place because when i try i just end up crying a whole bunch & i just feel so shitty after like i burdened someone else & wasted my & their time. i know talking about your feelings is important & itās really something i need to work on, haha...on another note i want to try for a job at gamestop because itās close by & theyāve beenĀ āhiringā for what, almost a year now? & i really need to get myself a job. seriously. but then thereās the fact that i would absolutely hate having to drop classes/school if i got a job, because i would feel like a failure not being able to go to school. then again i donāt even know what i want to do in my life/as a career, so what would going to a university do for me? i feel that maybe i set my expectations too high for myself or maybe because i compare myself to all these other people without depression/anxiety i expect myself to be able to handle just as much or if not more. arenāt i supposed to challenge myself? arenāt i supposed to strive for things in my life like these? everyone says i am but i have no idea what iām doing, i donāt know what i want at all.
i need to go to the doctors & get meds, thatās probably something that will help me, right? gawain says we should go together & get it done because of how shitty weāve been feeling lately. i just honestly feel like iām supposed to be able to handle & do these things myself because of all the successful people in the world & all those that struggle & strive for what they have & get things done. everyone goes through so many worse things than i do & they come out the other side victorious even after they fail so many times. how do they do it? do they just, do it? they donāt give up? i donāt want to give up, iām not giving up, but the fact that iām getting nowhere is pulling me down. itās probably because iām just not trying hard enough, & i need to push myself even more. but how much can i handle before i border on turning back into what i was like before? itās so hard to get through these thoughts & feelings & really, just everything in life. no one said itās easy & yeah, itās pretty fucking hard, & maybe being positive & happy about myself just isnāt enough to get me through life. i need to push on no matter what, i really just fucking do. iām feeling so weak & letting everything get to me, arenāt i? writing this out has been good, & i feel better about myself. but then i have the problem i always do where i do nothing about what i said i would do, iām not getting anywhere by repeating this process. i honestly feel only like crying & lying down listening to music. i keep repeating & living with such an unhealthy process & never get anything done, (the important things that matter, like a job, etc.) i know iām not supposed to compare myself to others because theyāre not me, iām not them, weāre different & everyone works/lives differently. they donāt have depression, i do. just because someone else can do it easily doesnāt mean that i can do it just as easily. just because i need to strive harder for living a normal life & living happily isnāt a bad thing, but it happens to people, & i just so happen to be one of them.Ā
iām tired & feel like having a good cry, but instead of wallowing in my self pity, iāll just try to get some stickers done & do something productive at least instead of wasting away my life.Ā
