☀️Tithe & Absolution☀️

Orzhov Priestess, awaiting your absolution “Who truly runs this city? Look to the sky on hallowed days, and see whose sigil is stamped clearly onto the heavens.”

[titheabsolution]

My debtors: Hey my mom’s sick, could I get the weekend off?

My trusted advisor Smingle Fouldream: They speaketh only lies, my fairest lady. Do not be deceived by their fiendish tricks. A months more labor! With no overtime, I say!

Me: I can see both sides

[titheabsolution]

Interview log with Orzhov Priestess Mira Von Ornamencelia for The District Pundit newsletter

Q: What is your opinion on The Living Guildpact?

A: Well, first of all, let the record show that I do not speak for entire The Orzhov Syndicate. This is purely my own opinion and I encourage readers to come to their own opinions aswell. The Izzet League is one of the greatest assets to the whole of Ravnica, and we’re very happy to collaborate with them on frequent projects. As for their parun, I’ve never met him in person. But anyone who founds such a beloved guild must be doing something right.

Q: Has the church pivoted away from faith in favor of sole focus on wealth?

A: Bit of a leading question I think. But no, The Orzhov Syndicate is a church first and foremost, our spirituality evident in all aspects of our lifestyles, pardon the pun. Economics is our guildpact duty, but we believe the best way to guide Ravnica isn’t just through wealth, but strong spiritual values. Of which we are exemplars.

Q: Your guild faces substantial criticism for how you elect to distribute wealth among the populous, namely Gruul and Boros petitioners who claim your guild only has the interest of the already rich and powerful in mind, and who suggest an entire overhaul of Ravnicas economic system.

A: Ah, there it is. The communism question. Well, last time I checked The Orzhov were not in charge of animal conservation or law enforcement. And if we were to try to be, that’d be a gross misinterpretation of The Guildpact. So my question is why these hellions with no economics degree and no guildpact responsibility to the economy think they’re more qualified to talk about wealth distribution than those like me who have spent our lives (and our unlives) in service to the economic underbelly of Ravnican prosperity. In short. I don’t tell them how to do their job, they shouldn’t tell us how to do ours. If everyone stayed in their lane we’d all be happier for it.

[rakdos-outlaw]

Now it’s been a little while since I’ve had my hands on this thing

Being in a freaky house plane will do that I suppose, I think I heard somebody call it “duskmourn” strange place it was.

Either way I’m back on the streets of ravnica, hope the rakdos don’t boot me for up and vanishing on them.

(Should’ve never chased that dog)

[titheabsolution]

The Rakdos I know don’t tend to be the forgiving types. It is called a *cult* very specifically.

[titheabsolution]

Ravnican Gruul x Orzhov Forcefem, proceed with caution

Might continue, might not. Not proofread, we die like the obzedat

The fires of The Gruul raider’s fervor had not yet been stamped out, but the red mana coursing through his body did little to stop the blinding pain of necromantic magics tugging him to the church floor. He leaned hard on his axe, trying to find the energy to stand and fight once again. But no matter how much he willed against it, the aches of his bones and muscles told him he was beaten. The Orzhov priestess’s haughty laugh assaulted his ears like salt being rubbed into an open wound.

“Ohohohoh~!” The fancifully dressed woman cooed, her voice echoing in the high ceiling as she covered her mouth with a gloved hand. “Are you REALLY still trying to fight, my sweet? How positively barbaric!”

In a moment of blinding rage he tried leaping towards her, but a boney claw from the underworld shot out from the carpet and dragged him back to the earth, cracking his jaw.

He could see her lower herself from floating in the air to the floor, heels clicking tauntingly onto the tile. She sauntered towards the defeated warrior, and painfully grinded her fancy shoe onto one of his hands.

“Tsk-tsk-tsk…your people, always so obsessed with destruction and ideals that you can’t tell when you’re hopelessly outmatched. You look better like this, yes? On the floor. Where dirt belongs.” She gave his hand another hard stomp. He gritted his teeth to not make a sound.

Wisps of black and white mana collected along the length of her arm, creeping up to her hand. They wove themselves into a piece of parchment, worn by age and heavy with writing. She skimmed over it with her piercing amber eyes, cracking a snicker as she reads through technicalities. “I was wondering what would drive a *poor lost animal* to defy The Guildpact. This is it, my sweet, no? A simple deed. The rights to some nowhere plot of land. It’s the only artifact in my halls one such as you would be interested in.”

“You-” He coughs “-stole it…”

“Ah-ah-ah my sweet. No talking out of turn.” She stamps her casting staff onto his back, twisting it into an exposed wound. “Besides darling, unlike some, I’m an honorable citizen of Ravnica. All artifacts within these walls are rightful Orzhovan property.”

She walks back a few feet, turning around to gaze upon the stained glass windows of her church. One which had been rudely smashed just a minute before.

“Do you know how much one of these windows costs to replace?”

“…” He was too weak to turn his head away.

“It’s a small fortune. Not to mention this act of war being grounds for a doubling or tripling of your peoples tax.”

“You wouldn’t-“

“Ah-ah-ah, what did I say about talking out of turn?~”

“…”

“Good boy. Now. Such blatant extortion…” She walked through the pews, running her staff along the ornate wood. “…it’s fiscally smart, yes. But so…unbecoming of one of my stature. I should see no more need to wring the blood of the sinner to fill the tithe, now that I’ve an entire church to my name.

And yet still, I cannot let a crime go unpunished. No…” She critiques her wording “I cannot let a sin go unrepentant for.

So heres the deal. I’d be more than happy to forgive and forget this…intrusion. Not to alert the sphinx nor the angels, and perhaps even forfeit this paper you’re so enamored with.” She flicked the paper out of existence with a magical flourish, finishing her walk through the church back at her defeated opponent.

“If you were to *directly* repay your debt with service.”

“…”

She snickered. “You’ve permission to speak, my sweet.”

“What are you getting out of this? …you Orzhov have everything you could want.”

“Oh but on quite the contrary, my sweet! I’ve a beautiful estate to my name, loving family and friends, security, servants. Those are just the essentials to being alive. But to truly *live*, one needs hobbies.” She leans down, inspecting the damage across the berserker’s back. “I make a habit of…accruing debtors from different backgrounds. And your kin are especially rare to bind into service! Though you play second fiddle to The Dimir and Selesnyans.” She snapped, a pristine contract folding into view of The Gruul. Ink and quill manifesting into his bruised and bloody hand. He stared at the parchment with destain.

“You’re a collector.”

“Precisely! Good to know you have some basic reasoning in that hollow skull!

So, what will it be. I raise alarm to The Ravnican Justice system, and tax your people out of their homes. Or! You play pet for a little while, and we’re all happy?”

“…if I go with you.” He heaves, losing blood. “You won’t…hurt my family?”

She holds a hand to her chest. “On The Obzedat’s eternal life I swear it.”

“And…and how long would I be in debt?”

“Oh darling! That fully depends on how hard a worker you are! Could be a year, could be until the ink your name was written with fades from the ledgers…but, The Orzhov believe in the virtue of hard work.” She leans down, whispering into his ear, black lipstick nearly touching him. “And I’m sure I could find a high paying position for my more…compliant thralls.”

A single tear falls down his cheek as he signs his name and soul away.

“Oh wonderful! Oh splendid!” She waves her staff over his torn up back, wounds closing and sores healing. “Now now, before anything, you must understand 3 ground rules. 1. You shall address me as Madam Ornemencelia.”

He tried to resist smiling at his pain being gone, barely processing the first rule.

“2. Any disobedience is liable to increase your debt. Aaand 3. All my debtors are women, so you shall be aswell.”

[titheabsolution]

Waiter waiter! More endangered wildlife please!

[titheabsolution]

Orzhov Tip! Gruul folks act real diff once you own their land and can put them on a leash :D

[titheabsolution]

“Being rich is a sin”

Ok peasant

“Owning peoples souls is evil”

L+No Debtors+In Debt

“Having a butler means you aren’t developing life skills”

Jeeeeeves, turn the annoying peasant into a woman and make her my maid

[titheabsolution]

“How do you sleep at night, Orzhov scum?”

On a 1100 thread count bedsheet with unicorn hair lining and a silk pillow filled with endangered griffon feathers? Better than you, I assume.

[titheabsolution]

INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY

HELLO WOULD YOU LIKE TO INVEST IN EXPERT GUIDE GOBLIN SERVICES? YOU CAN REACH OUR RAVNICA BRANCH AT THE MIDDLE TREE ON TIN STREET.

Yeah I’m bored enough to entertain this with some earnest. Not the worst marketing I’ve ever seen, plus omenpaths are still a bit untapped business wise. I’ll run it by the coin counters and get back to you sweetums!~

[titheabsolution]

genuinely fucking kill yourself, youre not welcome here and you should feel ashamed for coming back

Idk if this is in character or not

[titheabsolution]

Its amazing how many people go missing in Ravnica and are never found

[titheabsolution]

The Orzhov don’t tell you this when you sign up, but the two methods of immortality (vamp and ghost) both have like, massive fucking drawbacks. Cant get drunk, cant stay outside too long, cant go into other plane’s churches. Those are just the shared ones.

If you go the sexy vampire route, youre cursed to be pretty much like, always hungry. Just a constant insatiable appetite.

Ghosts might have it worse though, since most of the time you just cant touch shit. Cant hug, cant fuck, the only bonus is that you can swim in your money atleast. This is why Envoy is a job btw. You gotta pay someone to do all that shit for you. Not to mention that for alot of ghosts, you end up being stuck haunting a place or item. The only thing they have over vampires is that (most of the time) sunlight wont melt you.

But yeah, being immortal aint allat. I am not looking forward to having to choose.

[titheabsolution]

Starting to think some of yall getting into debt to The Orzhov on purpose to be bossed around by ghosts and vampires in 5 inch heels with bad attitudes

[titheabsolution]

*sacs you for a death trigger*

*recurs you*

*sacs you for a death trigger*

*recurs you*

*sacs you for a death trigger*

*recu

[titheabsolution]

YALL GOT REAL HORNY ABOUT THIS REAL FAST

[titheabsolution]

*sacs you for a death trigger*

*recurs you*

*sacs you for a death trigger*

*recurs you*

*sacs you for a death trigger*

*recu

[titheabsolution]

Yes debtors, the open back dress is mandatory

I didn’t ask if you’re a boy, if you want to get outta debt you’re gonna do what I say

[titheabsolution]

Mom made thrullburgers again, this church is a fucking prison