haiti: forever charmed & confused
Haiti is the one place on this planet that has propelled me through an incredible series of emotions. It is this country that has seen the most growth in me. The person who first stepped into Haiti is really not the same person stepping out. I often feel like my heart, brain, and soul are just lamely existing after a brutal attack.
A World of Contrasts: Ye We Yo Rara band playing on Rue Tessina in Cité Soleil. Trumpeting music amongst the delightful smell of sewage. Laughing children and dancing neighbours amongst rusted tin shacks and grumbling bellies. Ah.
The first point of contact was the heart, of course. Stepping out of the airport a few months after the earthquake was probably damaging to my psyche, but I still have not noticed due to persistent denial. Now they have a metal fence that separates the passengers from the rest of Port-au-Prince. When I first came, it was just: hand in your customs form and HEY WOW THAT KID HAS NO LEGS AND VERY POOR PEOPLE ARE SURROUNDING EVERYONE ASKING FOR MONEY.
Although I was used to spending time in poorer countries, Haiti still blew my mind. I don’t mean to insult or disregard reasoning, but there is a certain evil feeling in the air. There’s jealousy, hatred, outright exploitation, abandonment, brokenness, fear, desperation, and plain helplessness. I have witnessed these things to a degree, but Haiti absolutely hit the limit for me.
Don’t get me wrong. The assault on my heart was compounded and confused by the love and friendship I so undeservedly found over here. Never in my life have I felt so incredibly loved and embraced by a group of people. Blame Cité Soleil Community School and all the people involved with it. They’ve made me a part of their lives, and we’ve become so comfortable with each other. I have observed and been a part of their aches and joys.
We know each others’ names, families, and personalities. We’ve celebrated birthdays together. We’ve gotten annoyed at each other. We are so very different but so very blessed to be in each others’ company. We cannot offer much to one another, but we laugh and discover more together. This school has been a major headache, a piercing heartache, and a terrible infection of love.
Apart from the heart, my mind has been simultaneously on overdrive and out of order. I go one second thinking about all the very complex moral dilemmas and philosophical deconstructions of the world and human life… to absolutely exhausted, paralysed by the unknown, and ready to shut down. I go from knowing intricately and deeply about a society and people… to full-out shrugging my shoulders and claiming ignorance.
My soul has been perhaps the most shattered by this experience, but also the most deepened. My soul understands more about life from Haiti than it did from close to 20 years in the educational system. My soul is the one that has continuously renewed and refreshed my being when I was so ready to give up (and I have wanted to give up many times). It is the thing that forever seeks goodness in my life.
Haiti is my greatest love story. Even if I leave it physically, it has profoundly shaped who I am and walks with me until the day I die. My bones ache under the power of this charming, beautiful, and dark place. Being so close to reality has never felt more like a dream.
Timoun Yo: Regina showing off her teeth as Bobson picks her up. I love these kids. Regina could not go back to school this year because her parents broke up and are having financial problems. They pulled me aside to help, as I’ve been close to them for a long time. Unfortunately I’ve already done what I could by funding a job for her mom at the school, and was advised not to go beyond for any one particular person or group.
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