Dear Diary,

You are allowed to pry

[tmi-diary]

Maybe the relationship didn’t fail, maybe it just ran its course. Did the movie fail when the credits start rolling?

[tmi-diary]

Recently got asked whether I’m autistic (I’m not) bc I didn’t want the dish rag to be used to remove a stain on the floor. Honestly, I don’t understand the connection, are only autistic people allowed hygiene?

[tmi-diary]

Start weight: 150lbs

Goal weight: 126lbs

Current weight: 143lbs

I will get there

[tmi-diary]

Current weight: 136lbs

It has been SO long since my weight has dropped in any capacuty, I even regained a little in the interim. But given that I’m not mad. I’m taking it slow, but I’ve dug my teeth in, and I won’t let go

[tmi-diary]

You know, I keep imagining this person, a friend, a partner, sometimes even a professional. And this person always knows what I mean, and this person always wants to engage with me.

They don’t always agree, that’s not the point, they often times offer valuable input. But they want to understand, and they do understand, never get the wrong impression of what I mean. To them I don’t come off stupid and too intense or vapid and silly. And they don’t dismiss me, they’re not fundamentally disinterested in any of the topics and issues I bring up. I don’t demand too much because this type of interaction is also what they crave.

Makes me sad that such a person doesn’t exist, and that I’ll never be this person for someone else either. Because in my fantasy I also immediately get what they mean and how they feel. And I know the right things to say.

Occasionally, I think I have it. Some prolonged interaction goes so well that I think we’re there. And then I suddenly run into a wall, and disappointment hits.

I’m so far from it. Sometimes it feels like I just can’t get it right at all, it doesn’t matter how carefully I choose my words, they’re still misunderstood, intentions wrongfully ascribed. And sometimes I fail to see when I’m not welcome anymore, and I keep talking until I’m told off in part because I want to make my point clear.

And then I withdraw and sit at the kitchen table and write things like this.

[tmi-diary]

I recently started medication for my ADHD. Currently I’m at 20mg of Medikinet in the morning. And it’s p good while it lasts, I stay on track at work a lot more than before, I find it easier to initiate tasks, somehow social gatherings got easier to handle (and I didn’t even hate them before. Didn’t feel the need to drink anymore though, which is great), and my emotions and moods have improved. Like I’ll still feel the same in terms of valence, but arousal is reduced, I’m not overwhelmed as easily or get super fidgety with a rush of happiness, basically I’m just more chill. It’s magical how both rest and productivity have improved in tandem. I don’t know if I still need to go up in dose, I want to at least have a second dose during the day though bc the drop is noticeable

It is really messing with my eating though, that is the one big downside. Medikinet has to be had with breakfast, and I hadn’t had breakfast for about ten years prior

Once I start eating, I’m hungry for the rest of the day, that has always been the case. I know many have loss of appetite as a side effect, but not me. I’ve had issues keeping my blood sugar stable despite not eating foods heavy in monosaccharides for breakfast. I suddenly want a bigger lunch, and I want it earlier. Unfortunately, I don’t want less dinner either, that stayed the same. I’ve been able to stay within a maintenance range for a while, but the past couple of days I went over, sometimes by a lot. I’m just so hungry all the time. I’m not even eating low-nutrition or super calorie-dense foods either

I don’t want to gain back what I lost

[infectiouspiss]

kids deserve so much more respect and it turns out that saying that is a great way to locate the horrible people in any community <3

[infectiouspiss]

you'll say something as simple as "no child deserves to be hit" and people will crawl out of the woodwork to explain why they should be allowed to beat a 6 year old for spilling some water

[infectiouspiss]

you'll say "i think it's weird that adults literally have control over when children are allowed to use the bathroom" and up pops a teacher to say that when they're not shouting at the kids they teach, they're trying to stop them from hiding in the bathrooms

you'll say "i think children shouldn't be forced to eat food they hate" and here comes someone who feeds their kids plain rice and boiled chicken (while eating a nicely seasoned stirfry) claiming that it's okay actually and kids shouldn't be allowed to taste things

you'll say "i think kids should have bodily autonomy" and in comes someone who pierced their babies ears before it was even 24 hours old, frothing at the mouth because their kid wanted a haircut and thats somehow an insult

[infectiouspiss]

children are an oppressed class and everyone should be looking back at their own childhoods and making sure they don't ever make a child feel the same way they felt.

[tmi-diary]

I think we can add non-medical circumcision to that. And then the same adults turn around and think a child transitioning and taking puberty blockers is mutilation. Insult to injury

[tmi-diary]

Take head injuries seriously!

My friend Melanie gave me a right proper scare today. She got a concussion and for a moment I thought she hadn’t been to the hospital yet. She has, and she’s fine. However, she only went a day after the accident when she already had trouble with her vision

If you read this, this is a reminder to get these types of injuries checked out immediately. A mild and a more serious head injury often times present the same initially, but a serious brain injury can affect you for life. The earlier it gets treated, the better the prognosis

Please be safe and remind your loved ones

[tmi-diary]

Start weight: 150lbs

Goal weight: 126lbs

Current weight: 143lbs

I will get there

[tmi-diary]

Current weight: 139lbs

It’s been a while since I’ve been below 140. It’s going shockingly well so far

[tmi-diary]

Start weight: 150lbs

Goal weight: 126lbs

Current weight: 143lbs

I will get there

[tmi-diary]

currently unable to be happy for my friend who got cosmetic liposuction, likely due to my own body image issues

[tmi-diary]

Juniper has started talking negatively about other people's legs, saying she essentially dodged a bullet. But she's being vague about it, and I don't know what she means. Do I have what she doesn't like?

And why would that bother me?

[tmi-diary]

currently unable to be happy for my friend who got cosmetic liposuction, likely due to my own body image issues

[tmi-diary]

Juniper and I have been similar heights and weights all our lives (never overweight), though she's been a good tad lighter than me recently. Both of us have struggled with restriction and with impulsive eating. She likes exercise more than I do though. She's graceful and shit.

She came up with running to be pretty along with a few other friends, and I was insulted even though I truly am not at my prettiest weight. But why would I have to be pretty for her? So initially I refused. I hate exercise, especially running anyway. It's punishment.

But it was motivating to see them and especially her doing it because she was open and vulnerable about how low of a starting point she had in terms of endurance. So I joined, and it was both horrible and great, and we kept going.

And then she spent thousands on liposuction on her legs.

And I think I should be happy for her because now she has the legs she wanted, right? I was happy when she got a minor boob job in the past. I am a tad envious of but happy for my other friends that have started losing weight.

But idk. Maybe it's just that my weird body issues are competitive.

I have a lot of emotions around this even if it shouldn't concern me. It's not my body, but I feel betrayed bc she dragged me into this and took the easy way out. I'm concerned bc I know us, and I'm worried this won't be enough. I'm concerned bc if she gains weight it might look v different from what she hopes. I'm envious that she didn't have to actively suffer to reach her goal. When I was a teen, I would daydream about getting liposuction on my arms, sometimes my tummy, though I don't know if there would have been enough bodyfat to warrant it. And now my envy is demotivating because she didn't work for it. There's nothing to be proud of bc she just paid her way to the end.

But at the same time I feel superior bc I'm losing weight by doing better, my weightloss is and will be a sign of my strength while hers is only a sign of poor financial decision making.

And that's all awful. I shouldn't be like this. I love her to bits, and I want her to be well. I've lost friendships over this shit before, but I can't lose her!

She has returned to running with us now. In my mind that would fix at least some of my resentment. But it shouldn't depend on her. My feelings aren't valid. And ofc it didn't work. Because somehow she's as capable as I am, was even able to run the next day again when I wasn't. After weeks and weeks of doing nothing. I'm glad that she's able to get back, but I'm sad that she's better at it than me. And that's horrible of me

[tmi-diary]

currently unable to be happy for my friend who got cosmetic liposuction, likely due to my own body image issues

[rustycamo]

It's both so absolutely amazing and excruciatingly infuriating how much we are loved, but secretly.

How many of my classmates stand next to me while waiting for class to start because they find me reassuring, safe. Maybe interesting.

How many strangers on walks have I smiled at, and that smile got them through the next few streets. Maybe even made their day.

How many people have felt less alone, because I confidently wear their type of clothes. Maybe even just how confident I am inspires them.

How many strangers, or friends tell stories od the silly things I have done, and cause more smiles to exist in the world. Maybe even laughter.

It's so hard to remember it sometimes but we're all so loved. The point of the universe and everything in it is love. All the thousands of kinds of love.

I refuse to forget this. My heart beats until the day I die. And the love is still there after.

[deseos-de-la-via-lactea]

source

[tmi-diary]

I'm so glad the word "waffling" is making such a comeback because it's been living in my head since 2011 when my art teacher kept telling us, we shouldn't waffle about so much in our essays

[tmi-diary]

Whenever someone else does one of these nice little gestures like holding a door open or sth, it gives me a wee rush of happiness. I feel so taken care of. Humans are wonderful

[tmi-diary]

Writing things down makes me realise how small my vocabulary is. Everything has a term for it, but I don't know it, even things I engage with regularly. It's like when you've been in a conversation with someone for hours, and you're discussing really niche stuff, and it's great, but afterwards you notice you never asked their name