nil desperandum

My mind is in Wonderland, my spirit is in Neverland, and my body is a Wasteland. I'm Ivy, and I exhale metaphors and live on poetry. I reside inside the murky depths of my unbreakable imagination. I am bittersweet fragments sewn together with good intentions. My existence on here is merely one of teal pixels expressing the chaos of my mind, spit forth and pieced together the best way my shaky hands have been able to. Take from it what you will. writing // me write to me? var sc_project=12244146; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_security="c2e0d1da";

[tobelikewater]

Hi Ivy,

I hope you have some recollection of who I am or this would be so awkward.. If not, my name’s Timmy and we used to talk on here many years ago. I remember our interactions fondly, and I recently stumbled upon your blog again through those messages.

I’ve been reading your page, and I just wanted to let you know how deeply your words resonate with me. Your ability to convey such raw emotion and beauty through your writing is truly remarkable. Each post you share is like a window into your soul, and I find myself profoundly moved because the way you word them flows so well that it becomes relatable.

I just wanted to reach out to say hi and express my gratitude for your art. It’s inspiring to see how you’ve continued to evolve as a writer over the years. It’s nice to see familiar faces on this app after all these years because from my personal experience, people are like robots these days and don’t talk about their feelings like they used to.

It’s probably not your intention for anyone to see your posts but I’m glad that I stumbled upon them. Hope you’re feeling better!

Best regards,

Timmy

Finally posting this to my blog a year later because I want to remember this forever. This is why I wrote, and readers like you are one of the reasons I remind myself that I must continue writing.

Thank you -- you don't know how deeply this touches me. <3

[tobelikewater]

Is it sad, or liberating, if we've approached a point where we've accepted pain as a natural consequence to the mere existence of continuing to live on this earth, day after day, breath after breath?

Is that sadness, or is that freedom?

[tobelikewater]

what we say:

-how are you?

-have you been well?

-how is your family?

-what have you been up to?

-where are you now?

what we actually mean:

-I've been thinking of you

-I dreamed of you last night

-have you thought of me, too?

-do you still dream of us like we once talked about, so long ago?

-what are your dreams now?

-do you still remember me?

-do you still remember us?

[tobelikewater]

are you still listening?

[tobelikewater]

r u still active??

Rarely (if ever) this past half-decade, or so

[tobelikewater]

[tobelikewater]

I wonder, when I painted the idea of you, whether you supplied me with the pigments or the canvas.

What part was intertwined with reality, and what part was stained by my own naive wishes?

[tobelikewater]

My twenties have slipped away from me, barely beyond my grasp.

I mourn what I’ve lost (and continue to lose day by day). I’ve been grieving my youth since I was 13.

Instead, I should be grateful for each morning where I awake healthy, with all limbs and senses intact.

Because after all, what’s the alternative?

[tobelikewater]

There’s a part of me that is a high-powered businesswoman in tech, making decisions and creating impact.

And then there’s the other part of me, the little girl who is far more comfortable being invisible than in the spotlight, the one who much prefers being a wallflower than the center of attention.

As the years pass, I find myself becoming more of the latter—when I always thought it’d be the opposite.

Perhaps this is my newfound comfort in being myself, that can only be discovered with the passing years.

[tobelikewater]

“I feel ancient” doesn’t even begin to explain it.

“I could cry” doesn’t even capture a fraction of it.

[tobelikewater]

Be kind.

You could be meeting someone on their worst day,

And you have no idea what their best looks like.

[tobelikewater]

My tiptoes become your lullaby

Gingerly stepping around what should have been said,

Now bursting from the hollows of my vocal cords,

Whispered tendrils vying for attention,

Only to fall upon deaf ears.

Your headphones are strewn about,

silently humming away,

Playing the song we used to dance to.

[tobelikewater]

I used my tears

to write the story of us

Halfway through

I ran out of ink

This feels like

healing

[tobelikewater]

you thought you knew me

to the depths of my soul,

but you didn't know the deepest secrets i harbored

the darkest fears I held within my mind

the prisoners I have kept within my psyche

the captives that begged to escaped, but couldn't.

Instead,

you just saw what I showed you;

what you wanted to.

[tobelikewater]

my sadness has stopped visiting

I used to cradle him like a newborn

utter my deepest fears into his ear,

until he became all of me and

visited me in my dreams,

in my awakeness,

in the in between.

Now,

I am so busy cohabitating with Life that

I no longer have the time nor energy to heed Sadness

when he visits.

He still knocks on the door every night,

but now,

I have the wisdom to turn him away.

[tobelikewater]

I once thought that someone staying

was a gift.

Now I see that someone leaving

is a gift, too.

[tobelikewater]

The best ones are exceedingly kind, intellectually curious, and remain humble despite their many talents.