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@tofubitchel
my brother also hasnt been to visit my mum at all this week ☹☹☹ i feel like hes basically giving up on her now because she didnt give in and i feel os bad for her. going to see her tomororw and gonna take her KFC (her favourite) and hopefully make her feel better
sunday and he still hasnt called or visited her at all this week. i think hes doing it to punish me because i call him out. and he knows i want to work but im so guilty leaving her all alone when im not there
my brother also hasnt been to visit my mum at all this week ☹☹☹ i feel like hes basically giving up on her now because she didnt give in and i feel os bad for her. going to see her tomororw and gonna take her KFC (her favourite) and hopefully make her feel better
so much has gone on i dont even know what to say....
basically i decided to try to prioritize myself a bit more. so i said i will work monday, wednesday and fridays and not go to see mum. and i spoke to my brother and asked him to visit her those days.
so one day i specifically asked him when i saw him at the care home to visit her tomorrow and he said okay. just so i can spend some time actually doing work and not having panic attacks about money every day
then that day he text me and said he has a doctors appointment that he 'forgot about' and he cant make it. which is bs because 1. hes simply lying he never had a drs appointment and 2. if the drs appointment is in the city then youre already out so go visit her on the way back dip shit.
so i told him as much (not in such a mean way but i wasnt kind about it, and i told him that i know hes lying + it just proves to me that he doesnt care about mum)
and he replied to me telling me to grow up and he has no obligations to work around my schedule. which i never said, he flipped it on me when my point was that hes letting HER down and she will be alone now thanks to him and he doesnt care. i just feel like i always always always have to cover for him and he cant even do it for me 1 time when its FOR MUM. and he told me to grow up which is rich because only 1 of us still leeches off our dying parent at age 30, and still cant be bothered to go see her more than 1 day a week, and has never had a job, and plays video games all day. the audacity is stored in the balls i guess. so i blocked him
then we have been talking about bringing mum home from the care home. basically she only went into the home in the first place cos my brother didnt want to deal with her (he lives in her house, i dont) and me and my bf thought we would rather move in with her and help out than have her in the home. because sometimes they take too long to answer her calls and she needs pain medication faster etc.
anyway we told mum to ask my brother if he would give his room for us. we could take her bedroom, but its as small as a closet and only has a single bed in it. and he has the master bedroom (yes hes spoiled asf he has the master bedroom in HER house and she has a tiny one 💔). so we just suggested that to her as an idea, so she can go home and we could look after her. we could probably make it work in her tiny rom but it would be silly really when a bigger bedroom exists. good idea we thought
so then the other day when i was visiting mum, she was getting tired so i took her back to her room and rang the nurses to come put her to bed (she needs 2 people to help cos shes so disabled). and then she started sliding out of her wheelchair because she is deteriorating and its hard for her to hold herself upright nowadays. and the nurses didnt come in time and she ended up slipping onto the floor i guess. so they sounded the big alarm and like 10 nurses came running and they had to use the hoist to get her up.
so i dont know if i'm allowed to get her in the wheelchair any more. and also she cant use the sara steady thing to move about because she doesnt have the stability, she can only use the hoist :-(. she is getting worse
so anyway after we finally got her to bed, she spilled her sippy cup of water all over the floor so as i was cleaning that up, my brother called her on the phone. so i answered for her and put it on speaker and he instantly starts talking shit to her about me and just kind of being really rude to her. so i put my phone on record and drop it on the table and keep cleaning up.
and omg the shit he was saying was insane. im so glad i got it on camera. i would post it here if he didnt say my real government name 100 million times in the video and my mum says his name too.
but basically he was saying im the worst person he has ever met in his life (presumably cos i told him straight hes letting her down) and he was manipulating her saying that if i come to live in their house he woudl rather kill himself. and that his therapist said he needs to be 100% honest with her so basically she should be grateful he is being so honest with her.
he also said he would be willing to take on the physical and emotional 'burden' of her coming back, and destroying his mental health (by having to look after his own mother who looked after him her whole life), if it meant i didnt live there. i think he is terrified that i will not stand for his lying fake ass bs. like he just lies constantly and makes up reasons why he cant help her and i dont fall for it at all
and he was being so condescending to her (she has a BRAIN TUMOR BTW AND FINDS IT HARD TO THINK AND CONSTRUCT SENTENCES AND CONTINUE TRAINS OF THOUGHT)
he was saying like "DO YOU UNDERSTAND? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN HER VISITING AND HER LIVING THERE?" and my mum was like no i dont understand
anyway he was abusive asf and insanely manipulative to her and i got it all on camera.
it was really hard not to say anything but i just let him talk. i really wanted to defend her at some points cos i could see she was really struggling to find the words for what she means. at one point she said 'well tofu wants to come and look after me so why shouldnt she? IM THE ONE WHOS DYING and you left me' and he kept saying I LEFT YOU? I LEFT YOU? when what she really means is you abandoned me, you gave up on me and put me in the care home and put yourself first. but he latched onto her using the wrong word. he really fucking upset me that he cant even give her the grace to understand her meaning and instead hes arguing semantics with a brain cancer patient
then when he hung up she started crying and saying 'i dont know why this is happening, i never expected my life to end this way'. i don't even know if she means the cancer or just the way my brother is treating her. it broke my heart. literally the only times i've seen her cry is when he has done something to her. i've really tried to keep it all inside and he just unloads evreything on her to make himself feel better. i really hate him. im gonna cry again every time i think about it i just want to cry
i sent that video to my aunt and uncle and they both cried listening to how he was talking to her. its really fucking sad
my mum said she cant sleep at night thinking about the things he said. this is so miserable. i just feel horrible for her. and this is all because i didnt hold my tongue at his BS and he flew off the handle. i really think he might be a narcissist because he text my aunt and uncle and said 'can i call you in a bit? ive had a hard conversation and i need to say something' and i basically think hes trying to get ahead of it. little does he know they heard every word he said
anyway...
i dont even know what to say after that. its not even all of it. this life is so cursed guys.
oh yeah, the nursing home said they can give my mum a downstairs room. shes upstairs in a quiet corridor atm and downstairs would be near the cafeteria and nurses break room, so if she really needed help she could easily call and get help. theyre also gonna put the bed near the window so she can look into the courtyard. which makes me feel a lot better. im feeling optimistic about it. 😭
idk man its all hard. its all so hard. mum is getting worse. i think the days of going out with her are basically over. if she falls out of the wheelchair... and she doesnt really enjoy stuff any more. shes too tired. i met her today and they had a live musician and she leaned over to me and said i want to go to bed 💔
nearing the end now guys i think
thinking she is 1-2 weeks from death based on this thing. she is doing more staring into space, sleeping most of the time, unable to stand even on her good leg with support, slipping from the chair... 😭
so much has gone on i dont even know what to say....
basically i decided to try to prioritize myself a bit more. so i said i will work monday, wednesday and fridays and not go to see mum. and i spoke to my brother and asked him to visit her those days.
so one day i specifically asked him when i saw him at the care home to visit her tomorrow and he said okay. just so i can spend some time actually doing work and not having panic attacks about money every day
then that day he text me and said he has a doctors appointment that he 'forgot about' and he cant make it. which is bs because 1. hes simply lying he never had a drs appointment and 2. if the drs appointment is in the city then youre already out so go visit her on the way back dip shit.
so i told him as much (not in such a mean way but i wasnt kind about it, and i told him that i know hes lying + it just proves to me that he doesnt care about mum)
and he replied to me telling me to grow up and he has no obligations to work around my schedule. which i never said, he flipped it on me when my point was that hes letting HER down and she will be alone now thanks to him and he doesnt care. i just feel like i always always always have to cover for him and he cant even do it for me 1 time when its FOR MUM. and he told me to grow up which is rich because only 1 of us still leeches off our dying parent at age 30, and still cant be bothered to go see her more than 1 day a week, and has never had a job, and plays video games all day. the audacity is stored in the balls i guess. so i blocked him
then we have been talking about bringing mum home from the care home. basically she only went into the home in the first place cos my brother didnt want to deal with her (he lives in her house, i dont) and me and my bf thought we would rather move in with her and help out than have her in the home. because sometimes they take too long to answer her calls and she needs pain medication faster etc.
anyway we told mum to ask my brother if he would give his room for us. we could take her bedroom, but its as small as a closet and only has a single bed in it. and he has the master bedroom (yes hes spoiled asf he has the master bedroom in HER house and she has a tiny one 💔). so we just suggested that to her as an idea, so she can go home and we could look after her. we could probably make it work in her tiny rom but it would be silly really when a bigger bedroom exists. good idea we thought
so then the other day when i was visiting mum, she was getting tired so i took her back to her room and rang the nurses to come put her to bed (she needs 2 people to help cos shes so disabled). and then she started sliding out of her wheelchair because she is deteriorating and its hard for her to hold herself upright nowadays. and the nurses didnt come in time and she ended up slipping onto the floor i guess. so they sounded the big alarm and like 10 nurses came running and they had to use the hoist to get her up.
so i dont know if i'm allowed to get her in the wheelchair any more. and also she cant use the sara steady thing to move about because she doesnt have the stability, she can only use the hoist :-(. she is getting worse
so anyway after we finally got her to bed, she spilled her sippy cup of water all over the floor so as i was cleaning that up, my brother called her on the phone. so i answered for her and put it on speaker and he instantly starts talking shit to her about me and just kind of being really rude to her. so i put my phone on record and drop it on the table and keep cleaning up.
and omg the shit he was saying was insane. im so glad i got it on camera. i would post it here if he didnt say my real government name 100 million times in the video and my mum says his name too.
but basically he was saying im the worst person he has ever met in his life (presumably cos i told him straight hes letting her down) and he was manipulating her saying that if i come to live in their house he woudl rather kill himself. and that his therapist said he needs to be 100% honest with her so basically she should be grateful he is being so honest with her.
he also said he would be willing to take on the physical and emotional 'burden' of her coming back, and destroying his mental health (by having to look after his own mother who looked after him her whole life), if it meant i didnt live there. i think he is terrified that i will not stand for his lying fake ass bs. like he just lies constantly and makes up reasons why he cant help her and i dont fall for it at all
and he was being so condescending to her (she has a BRAIN TUMOR BTW AND FINDS IT HARD TO THINK AND CONSTRUCT SENTENCES AND CONTINUE TRAINS OF THOUGHT)
he was saying like "DO YOU UNDERSTAND? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN HER VISITING AND HER LIVING THERE?" and my mum was like no i dont understand
anyway he was abusive asf and insanely manipulative to her and i got it all on camera.
it was really hard not to say anything but i just let him talk. i really wanted to defend her at some points cos i could see she was really struggling to find the words for what she means. at one point she said 'well tofu wants to come and look after me so why shouldnt she? IM THE ONE WHOS DYING and you left me' and he kept saying I LEFT YOU? I LEFT YOU? when what she really means is you abandoned me, you gave up on me and put me in the care home and put yourself first. but he latched onto her using the wrong word. he really fucking upset me that he cant even give her the grace to understand her meaning and instead hes arguing semantics with a brain cancer patient
then when he hung up she started crying and saying 'i dont know why this is happening, i never expected my life to end this way'. i don't even know if she means the cancer or just the way my brother is treating her. it broke my heart. literally the only times i've seen her cry is when he has done something to her. i've really tried to keep it all inside and he just unloads evreything on her to make himself feel better. i really hate him. im gonna cry again every time i think about it i just want to cry
i sent that video to my aunt and uncle and they both cried listening to how he was talking to her. its really fucking sad
my mum said she cant sleep at night thinking about the things he said. this is so miserable. i just feel horrible for her. and this is all because i didnt hold my tongue at his BS and he flew off the handle. i really think he might be a narcissist because he text my aunt and uncle and said 'can i call you in a bit? ive had a hard conversation and i need to say something' and i basically think hes trying to get ahead of it. little does he know they heard every word he said
anyway...
i dont even know what to say after that. its not even all of it. this life is so cursed guys.
oh yeah, the nursing home said they can give my mum a downstairs room. shes upstairs in a quiet corridor atm and downstairs would be near the cafeteria and nurses break room, so if she really needed help she could easily call and get help. theyre also gonna put the bed near the window so she can look into the courtyard. which makes me feel a lot better. im feeling optimistic about it. 😭
idk man its all hard. its all so hard. mum is getting worse. i think the days of going out with her are basically over. if she falls out of the wheelchair... and she doesnt really enjoy stuff any more. shes too tired. i met her today and they had a live musician and she leaned over to me and said i want to go to bed 💔
nearing the end now guys i think
anyway... my dr doubled my medication and it obviously hasnt done a whole lot cos i still want to
Horatio Henry Couldery, A Pup of Great Promise (1800s)
its hard to feel like im doing my best because theres no winning
how to accept that nothing i do makes any difference
we spent a lot of money taking her to the beach this weekend. wheelchair taxis are not cheap. she said she would pay but we paid. it's impossible to ask a dying woman for money
and it didn't seem like she really enjoyed it much at all. she is losing her appetite and her interest in stuff. and her ability to hold much of a conversation. it's hard to follow her train of thought. she's very tired now. i think making good memories in the past unfortunately
theres stuff she keeps asking me to do but it's just not feasible. she wants me to take her to my aunt and uncle's place in another county so she can see their cat charlie. but she can't get in my car. she can't stand. need at least 2 people to move her on a device and it would be dangerous if she fell.
so she said get a taxi (wheelchair taxi would cost like £200 each way)
so she said lets get the bus (it would take like 5 hours lol)
then when we get there who is gonna help her toilet and stuff. get her to bed. we need nurses and equipment
so i have to just keep telling her no to all this stuff. her world is so small now
i cant even imagine how it must feel to look into your future and know that you will just lose more and more of your abilities until it kills you
its hard to feel like im doing my best because theres no winning
how to accept that nothing i do makes any difference
we spent a lot of money taking her to the beach this weekend. wheelchair taxis are not cheap. she said she would pay but we paid. it's impossible to ask a dying woman for money
and it didn't seem like she really enjoyed it much at all. she is losing her appetite and her interest in stuff. and her ability to hold much of a conversation. it's hard to follow her train of thought. she's very tired now. i think making good memories in the past unfortunately
feeling sad and guilty about all the pics i didnt take
dog with boots i saw in [location] this weekend
i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog
i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog
manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting manifesting
i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog
i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog i want a schipperke dog
Borzoi Puppies' First Blizzard
i annoyed 2 people today. when i was coming out of the care home theres this little avenue covered in trees and a van was stopped in the way of the exit (not at a junction). i waited a few seconds then gave him a honk to let him know i was there. (which legally is what the horn is for lol) when i moved after him i waved to say thanks. then he leaned out of his window and was really mad LOL i ddint hear what he said but it was like 'fucking blablabka blabla' i was like damn dont cry dood. i just did a little beep. a pip
then in the post office i was gonna send a package and the woman was like how many things in there and i was like 5 (you cant send more than 5 of this item) and i was like dw its all according to the rules and legal 💕
and she was like well im just asking because i have to write it on the sticker thats why im asking 😡 and i said oh my bad i didnt mean to upset you lol.....
basically im so terrible at social situations that i upset people without even trying
