Tomatito

[tomatitothoughts]

First birthday without my grandma. I think that’s why I really didn’t care about it today. Usually I’m a little excited to get peoples birthday wishes to me. But this year I was kind of resenting it. I was kind of hoping that people would forget. That they didn’t care about me. But of course those who truly care all reached out. I am truly grateful. I also think I was a bit sad because I was hoping I wouldn’t have to go through another birthday. I’m not meant for this world. I’m no one’s favorite person so why keep me here. I hope it’s not for too long. But I really do appreciate those around me who care. I just wish I was a better person who was worthy.

[tomatitothoughts]

I wish I was better at this thing called life.

[tomatitothoughts]

I didn’t go to his party because of pride that he didn’t text me back. I didn’t go because I didn’t care. I didn’t go because I care.

When he didn’t reply to me the first time it was over a weekend. I had been texting my phone constantly, looking to see if my message some how didn’t get delivered. I shut my phone off just in case it had a glitch that didn’t send me his reply. But then he texted me after 2 days, saying it was a busy weekend with school and work. I totally understood as I had been there. But I kept noticing how our constant texting was just 1 message per day and I would reply with 30 minutes or a few hours as he would reply until the next day.

The night before his last day of school I replied to him with a question about his schoolwork. I didn’t expect a quick reply, I knew he was going to be crazy busy. And since he had already gone that weekend without texting due to being super busy I was waiting patiently. But he never replied to me. Even after the Christmas chaos at stores were over. I saw he was active of insta. So he was too busy to reply back to me but had enough time to be on social media.

I had accepted it. I was always going through Holliday grief as it was my very first Christmas without either of my grandparents and I was very emotional and sad at times. I had posted a quote I saw on insta after seeing his story, he had posted a bottle of tequila. Which indicated he was drinking. He liked my story which I didn’t expect. Right around mid night he texts me happy new year. I definitely didn’t expect that!

So I simply replied back with happy new years. I didn’t really expect him to reply back to that. But he liked my reply and then sent a message saying how he was sorry he didn’t get back to me that he was just busy with his job and that hopefully we could hang out soon. I said, “no worries don’t apologize I get it. Yeah maybe we can hang out soon.” In my head I sounded a bit more sassy. He replied, “we’ll still I didn’t want you to think you did something bad or that I was ignoring you. But I hope your day was good” But that’s exactly what I was going on in my head. I kept thinking about how I could have been better or maybe I did something he didn’t like, so something to get him to stop talking to me completely. I simply replied, “no I figure you got too busy. Thank you it was okay.” I really wanted to say you were too busy for me. I was a bother to you that you didn’t need. And how can you just ask me about my day!? Well then he didn’t reply until the next day at 12:00am which technically is another day without texting me. My theory is he got a drunk and since Natalie had texted us happy new years she must have told him we replied and then he texted me. But only because he was drinking and that brought out some of his feelings. Not that he actually intended to talk to me again. Not like that at least. And then once he woke up the next day he felt bad for texting me that he just continued in with the conversation a few more days until he stopped texting again.

I don’t think he ever really meant to text me on new years. He was just drunk. And like his birthday is the 4th I texted him happy birthday and he felt bad I did. So he replied once more the following day before ghosting me again.

That’s why I didn’t go to his and his brothers party (a week later). I wanted to give him space. I didn’t want him to feel obligated in talking to me. He obviously doesn’t. If he didn’t want to text me back what makes me think he wants to see me. I didn’t want to make his night uncomfortable with my presence. I’m sure he felt relief finding out I wasn’t going.

It’s probably best like this. He should be with someone who’s worthy.

[tomatitothoughts]

I’m not mad at A for not wanting to reply to me. I am a bit hurt, but I’m okay. I guess I wanted it to mean something more than a friendship. I knew I shouldn’t let my friends tell me other wise. I’ve always described our messaging to be friendly. Even after the concert I told everyone we were just friends. That’s the vibe I got from him, especially when he spent the whole night thinking about the Santa Monica girl.

I did find it really cute how he got off to open my car door when he dropped me off. He did open it when we got tacos but because I offered to hold the bag and the car next to his side had the door open and he had to wait. And when he dropped me off I took the trash of the plates with me. He gave me a hug.

I’m still very glad he took me to the bad bunny concert. I would definitely go again with him. Even if I’m his last choice again.

[tomatitothoughts]

Last night I dreamt my Nina.

Her passing happened exactly how it did here. But once we were in Mexico, she was relived. Yet we were still preparing for her funeral. We all were sad and making the preparations. I remember telling Lily about how yellow she had gotten after the oxygen left her body. I was shocked she was alive? But at the same time she was dead. I remember Lily saying, “I can’t believe we’re just waiting for her to die.” Cause we were all there. And she did say that in reality when we had gotten the news that she had days left.

There was another scene I remembered she was sweeping. Like her funeral home area. I went to go record her because I knew it was going to be one of the last times I would be able to record her. Osvaldo appeared, kneeling in front of her and for her blessing.

When the casket was ready, Toni was actually in there. He had somehow passed as well. We had one for my Nina and him. Chany was missing a hand. And I can remember looking at his hand while going through the airport when he came with us.

[tomatitothoughts]

I never asked you to kiss. I never thought that would happen. When you said I was your crush I really believed you.

I had warned her to tell you to stay away from me. She knew we were close and I think she was hoping to get more information out of me, that’s why she told me about you two. She didn’t want to take my warning and so you never stayed away from me. I wanted to because I had suspected that maybe you did feel something for me too. M and W would tease me about you. Always in different occasions. You would always tell me how you never get attached to people but you got attached to me. And the things you would tell her you would tell me.

So that night I gathered everything together and believe you.

But she was right when she asked, “did you really believe he wanted to be in a relationship with you?” I was always a joke to you. I guess I should be glad I was able to make you laugh.

[tomatitothoughts]

He has shown me first hand proof that I am no one first choice. Everyone has a person they prefer over others, but I’ve never been that person to anyone. If I have at some point, it was only temporary until someone else came along. That’s why I’ve never had a best friend or close cousin who I always go to. If anything I’ve come second. I’m the last option because everyone knows they can count on me because I am available. Not because I’m needed. I’m just a there person. Everyone that I am close to has someone they prefer over me. I don’t blame them.  

[tomatitothoughts]

Perhaps I can be too sensitive over this heartache. But I am a sensitive person. I take things to heart. All the small things too. This has been the biggest experience of my life and I can’t handle it. Imagine if something big actually happened. I’m not meant for this world. 

This heartache opened up unhealed wounds of mine. I’ve always thought them over the years but they have recently really been intrusive. It has reminded me that I should not imagine unrealistic things for myself. I’m not good enough. 

I’m not meant for love.  I’m not meant to get married and have kids. I’m not meant to be good enough to have a good career. I’m not meant to be good enough for this world. I’m not good at all.  

[tomatitothoughts]

I stopped asking how you were doing. And I noticed that you did too. I recently asked you because you sent me a happy birthday message with my nickname that you have of me. I thought that if you took the time and effort or send me a happy birthday message that maybe you don’t hate me as much.

So when you liked my message of me telling you thank you for sending me a happy birthday message the next day after you had seen it, I asked you. You were dry and didn’t ask me how I was doing. But you were nice enough to reply. I guess you still resent me.

I’m sorry for bothering you. I just really hope you’re going good. I would love to hear how your life has been, but I know you don’t want to waste your time on me. It’s okay. I’m not worth it. I know.

It’s so crazy. I’ve been dying to see you and talk to you. To tell you what has happened since we last met. To tell you jokes I’ve made up in honor of all the jokes we’ve come up with. I’ve come up with so so many scenarios in my head where I’m talking to you and how I tell you a story. While I know you don’t even think about me. I’m the last person you would want to have a long conversation with. You don’t want anything to do with me because after all I am the one who almost ruined your life. And that was more than once.

I couldn’t be your mistress. I felt too guilty after I found out you never stopped talking to her. My drunk self didn’t tell her everything, but she would have known the truth that would have ruined you for sure. So I’m Al sorry I almost ruined your life. I know I’m not worth it. I hope you don’t make the same mistake again. You haven’t with me, I don’t know if you have someone else to cheat with.

[tomatitothoughts]

You didn’t want me. You showed me in your actions. I don’t understand why I just can’t stop thinking about you. Why must I care for you when you don’t care about me.

[perfectquote]

“I should be sleeping. But I’m thinking of you. I’m always thinking about you.”

— Igor Henrique, I think about you all the time. (via thoughtkick)

[tomatitothoughts]

You’ve changed me. You managed to stain me. I’ve always been one to be honest and know what’s right. I’ve always managed to do that, until it came to you. You’ve brought a bad side of me. And no matter how many good memories I have of you, I have to always carry the negative thoughts and feelings. You’ve opened up some unhealed wounds. And now I have more intense thoughts.

[tomatitothoughts]

I hate how I still get broken every time I see that you two are together. How can you spend a wonderful time with her and then just send me meme. Why waste your time thinking of me. If things wouldn’t have happened between us then it would be understandable, why you would still care to keep in touch with me. But I was a mistake. One that you said you wanted to move on. So why waste your time even sending me a simple meme. Because to me that’s still relief that you haven’t forgotten about me. That means to me that you don’t want to forget me. 

But I need to stop. Because through messages, it’s different. There’s a distance and a feel of someone not really being real. Like talking to the computer. It’s only words that come out. I have to remember that you’re just looking for someone to share a meme with and to laugh at your jokes. I don’t know why you need me to do that. You have her. You prefer her. I’m sure she would find them amusing as well. 

I have to remember that if you really wanted to you would. You would have rescheduled the day we were going to hang out. You would have tried to see me even before that. You would have tried to make more conversation. You would have tried. But you didn’t because there was no point in making an effort with me. You had her. And you preferred her. 

[tomatitothoughts]

“And the years stream down my face.

If we could only have this life for one more day.

If we could only turn back time.”

-moments by one direction

I hadn’t realized how much this song related to me until a few weeks ago when I heard it again. That song is exactly how I feel.

[tomatitothoughts]

When she told me how you two never stopped talking, that was a blow to my chest. That was the realization that I was idiot for falling for you. When she told me how you would talk to her for hours a day, that was a real slap in my face. For that time in between when you would once in a while ask me how I was doing or send a meme or comment back, I had thought of that as being enough. That was all that I had been asking from you. I realized that, that’s how much I felt for you. That’s not even the bare minimum and yet that was enough for me. I don’t ask for anything, I just want you. So that was more than enough for me. But I need to realize that you never cared enough. That you were just doing your civil duty. Nothing more. Because I am nothing more to you.

[tomatitothoughts]

When I would ask you how you were doing, you would always reply good, enjoying life, work, trading. You never once mentioned her. I spent a month thinking that you really didn’t want to get your hopes up with me because it would be too complicated. I didn’t realize you never had a real intention with me. That you only said that to spare my feelings. When you said, “I miss you.” And I replied with, “I’ve been missing you too.” You replied, “Pero no me quiero ilusionarme.” I really thought you meant because it would be too complicated for us to be together. That you were truly taking me into consideration. But I came to find out that you were continuing to date her. That’s why you stopped things with me.

The last time you told me you missed me and I said it back. I meant it. I thought you did too because it had been over a month since we last saw each other. You even invited me out for the following week. But a few days later I found out that while you were trying to get her pregnant, you had told me you missed me. It still makes me feel uneasy every time I think about it. How could you tell me you missed me and wanted to hang out while you were having her at the same time!? The day we were supposed to hang out you canceled and made your an excuse. I already had a feeling we weren’t going to hang out. I had hung out with her and I found out about you. I wasn’t really surprised you canceled. I mean there was no reason for you to hang out with me when you could hang out with her. She can give you everything. Honestly I don’t blame you. I would hang out with her too. She’s just better. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. But that’s what I get for believing you. You’re a liar. And your words have hurt me like nothing has ever. Because of you I’ve been living with this heartbreak and that has been secretly destroying me. No one knows. But I’ve been dying on the inside. I just wished there was a way to stop it.

To stop feeling. That would be so great. To not live as myself. To be resting forever. I’m ready to rest.

My heartbreak has opened up so many negative feelings. I’ve realized I’m not meant for this world. No one needs me. Everyone had another person they prefer over me. Or if for one point someone did chose me first, it never lasted. Once they found another person they were quick to put me aside and not think about me. I know they will be okay if I’m not here no more. Everyone would be fine. Im just in the way of people. Im useless.

[tomatitothoughts]

I keep creating unrealistic fantasies of me and you. I only get my hopes up just thinking about the possibilities. I need to stop. I wish I could stop.