Toni

[tonidolhan]

Staring up, all alone, I know

There could never be anyone for me

I bend then break - shattering apart as I watch my heart

Bleed drop by drop

The love leaves running down the tattered canvas

My skin is stained as I lay waiting to feel anything but pain

Longing for life to come my way

To touch the green grass, walk a new path, I pray

For light to shine down on my troubled mind now

Reach out for my hand don’t let me fall down

I can’t do this on my own

Someone hear me, as I cry softly, trying not to dampen your flame

Happy to see you, would rather be you, my inside voices say

They don’t own me, yet the know me - maybe they’re not to blame

Pressing hard now as I dive down into the memories I keep at bay

All the had been’s, all the should be’s, but no more yet to come

I watch the lights fade out as the sounds quiet now

But the peace and harmony never find my way

[tonidolhan]

One side hidden at all costs

[tonidolhan]

You wonder why you fell for me?

Was it not the way I came at your beck and call?

Was it not the way I wore dresses two sizes too small?

Was it not the way my makeup covered up all my imperfections?

Was it not the way I forgave you for your sexual tranagressions?

Was it not the way I let you treat me however you pleased?

Was it not the way I begged your name in ecstasy?

Was it not because I am only what you want me to be?

[tonidolhan]

Closing off, shutting down, losing myself in the night sky

With the moon, my dreams rise, my hope lingers long enough to tantalize

I yearn for warmth, I feel your touch, your kisses hot like the burning sun

But alone I sit, in the cold embrace of a broken heart and cheap champagne

[tonidolhan]

Hidden dreams

Hidden words

Hidden thoughts

Hidden terms

Hidden fears

Hidden lies

Hidden love

Hidden alibis

Hidden cracks

Hidden fights

Hidden cries

Hidden goodbyes

[tonidolhan]

Broken words, fragmented sentences.

Fragile heart, frail skin.

Tired eyes, joyless laugh.

Happiness lost, until the last breath.

[tonidolhan]

I feel like sometimes I'm living a double life.

Somewhere between the black and white.

Part of me hidden during the day, the other part of me on full display.

But the part on display is not who I want to be.

I wish for you see the side I keep hidden deep beneath.

Buried under sarcasm and low self-esteem is the "true me" just waiting to be set free.

[tonidolhan]

If ever I should lose faith, I hope that you will take my hand and guide me to a place where I can see my memories drawn on the walls. I want to see the struggles I endured and the wars that I waged to paint a map pointing to the person I am today.

[tonidolhan]

I've spent my life building a dream out of broken crayons and recycled looseleaf only to look at my finished art and wonder why my broken lines and crumpled page don't look like the clean, clear masterpiece of the people next to me

[tonidolhan]

I'm trying my best to be what you want. . .

I'm trying my best to be. . .

I'm trying my best. . .

I'm trying. . .

I am. . .

. . .

[tonidolhan]

Twisting tightly as you push, I cave to your demands like water breaks against the sand.

Who am I to give you power over me? I am weak, I am lost, I am plagued with a sickness begging for relief.

I stare at bruised arms looking for something strong, something lean, something that is entirely make-believe.

Beneath these bruises lay my veins, through which cowardice flows with a splash of disdain.

My hollowed eyes beg for sleep, but your strong hands, your crooked grin, your perfect teeth, they wake me up as they haunt me in my dreams.

I feel brave for a passing moment each day. Then you flood the rest, a tidal wave leaving behind only fear and pain.

[tonidolhan]

Single steps I take, hesitating between each

Trying to be sure-footed on the uneven streets

Signs point in one direction telling me it's just up ahead

What is "it" and do I follow?

For another sign tells me that mediocrity lies in the busy grove down the beaten road

Do I take the road less traveled to a place unknown?

Do I take my steps focussing on the wonders that lie ahead?

Or do I look at only what's in front of me to make sure I don't fall instead?

Do I take the trodden path and try to find a space for me to fit?

Or do I trek into the unknown in search of a place waiting for me to call it home?

[kitty]

i dont care what you’re doing take 1 minute out of your day to watch this you wont regret it YOU NEED SOUND

[tonidolhan]

Your words flowed like a sweet summer's day breeze. I could taste the nectar laced in every idea that you breathed. The warmth you radiated touched my skin like the sun. Little did I know then that your words were a smoking gun.

The breeze was whirled into a perilous storm. Your breath became tainted as you exuded disdain. My heart forever scorched by the heat that I once craved.

Had I only known the trenches your ocean eyes hid from me. . .maybe it would be you who succumbed to the darkness instead of me.

[tonidolhan]

I wanna talk about the real stuff. . .

I want to talk about the things that seem too taboo. I feel like in today's society we are supposed to compare ourselves to friends and celebrities that display the best parts of their lives but don't actively/openly display their flaws (hey, showing frailty can be tough). I want to talk about the problems that people have but feel like they can't share because it'll solidify the inconsistencies between their outward and inward self.

I want to talk about how having doubts in a relationship is common, how it is okay to not always feel 100% with your partner. It is normal to run through the "what ifs" because we are only human.

I want to talk about how no relationship is perfect. No matter how "perfect" it may be displayed as, there are always flaws and troubles and that is OKAY.

I want to talk about how it is okay to leave a relationship if you don't think you're being treated right. It is okay to leave that friendship or romantic relationship if it becomes toxic and is harming you emotionally, mentally, physically, even if you've been in that relationship for a long time.

I want to talk about how it is okay to have concerns with your body. You can love yourself and who you are even if you don't long every inch of your being. Coming to love yourself is a part of growing, it takes time and can be an uphill battle.

I want to talk about how it is okay to not know what you are doing in life. It is okay if you are 18 years old and you don't know if you want to go to school, travel, or work. It is okay if you're half-way through a degree and you aren't sure if that's the path for you anymore. Honestly, I don't believe anyone entirely knows what they're doing and everyone just pretends they do and hopes for the best.

I want to talk about how it is okay to not be okay. There are so many challenges in today's society that no one should be expected to always be okay. Life is not easy and growing is a learning curve. It will be hard, and you will stumble, and that is okay as long as you try and pick yourself up because you can do it!

I want to talk about how it is okay to ask for help. Whether it is with mental health, relationships, school, or just how to get somewhere, it is okay to not know everything and to reach out! Recognizing that you don't have all the answers and that you might not always be able to fix it alone is more courageous and more brave than trying to go it alone.

[tonidolhan]

I often wonder why you struck the spark that lit the fuse, to only snuff out the light that tethered me to you.

You did so without fear, without remorse.

You were weak to fear the shallows when I was willing to brave the storm.

[tonidolhan]

Intangible is the dark that surrounds me when you're not here

Tangible is the loneliness that brightens when the lights have faded away

Defeating is the force that pulls my soul forever away from you

Hope is the dust that your love left on my shattered whole