all the things I can never feel the same way [choni one shot]
This is my first fanfiction for this ship I love them a lot. This is kinda weird but I kinda like it.. idk? let me know what you think everything is appreciated. It will be on ao3 soon I lost my account and had to apply for a new one anyways. sorry if theres any grammar mistakes its about 3000 words and I'm kinda new to writing
[Summary]
Looking back on events in Toni’s life when she felt the presence of her mother and the moments she realises she can never experience life peacefully
or;
In which Toni spirals over the years and Cheryl just can’t pick up the pieces
//
Toni is nine years old when she receives her first serious injury.
Two broken fingers and a hairline fracture upon her wrist. She doesn't cry.
Instead, she remains staring, empty, at the new arrivals adorning her body. There's a thick, white cast cradling her appendages and Toni hate's it. It's much too tight, juxtaposing her very loose clothing donated to her by neighbours of Sunnyside.
"Awesome! Is it really broken?" A young Fangs says in awe as he and Sweetpea approach her. He continues his gaze as Sweetpea rests his bicycle against a tree by her uncles trailer.
"Yup. I can't even get the cast wet or anything" Toni replies, trying to reciprocate the energy her best friends were radiating.
"I still can't believe you punched that guy, it was so cool!" Sweetpea perks up, his mouth forming into a bright smile, albeit full of gaps.
Toni looks up at him hastily. They're proud of her. She's confused as all she can feel is an overwhelming guilt.
Guilt for lashing out, guilt for hurting someone, guilt for burdening her uncle with a hospital bill due to lack of insurance. She looks upon her injury and feels nothing -except- a hatred for herself. She tunes out as the boys start rambling on about all the activities they plan to do tomorrow after school.
All Toni can think about is how this would have been if her parents had been here. She clenches and unclenches the remaining fingers not encased in a weakened cement, they shake and the process is strenuous.
The more she does it, the more she swears she can feel the last time her mother ever held her hand. The last time she felt her father's grip as she held onto him whilst sitting upon his shoulders.
In this moment, Toni wants nothing more than to have her mom kiss her forehead and tell her that everything will be ok. But that can't happen anymore. And it never will.
She's brought out of her thoughts by Sweetpea.
"-and then my mom said we could all sleep over at mine, how about it, Toni?"
"Uh, I have to ask my uncle" She mumbles, picking herself off the ground and trudging lazily into her trailer.
"Oh, okay. Still gonna ride to school tomorrow with us?" Fangs retorts, noticing Toni's glum exterior.
"Can't." She replies and holds up her cast wearily. Before either of the boys can reply she slams the trailer door shut and makes her way to the couch.
"What did I say about slamming that damn door!" She hears her uncle bellow from the next room. Toni hangs her head down, as if to shut the rest of the world out. Finally she begins to let the tears fall that she had locked inside her for months. She wept for her parents, wept for the life that would no longer be hers. This was her reality now. This was how it was.
//
She's fourteen when she becomes a serpent.
She's surrounded by so many faces, so many eyes, so many smiles. She's overwhelmed as she looks upon a group of dirty old men smirking hungrily at her. She still feels guilty. Toni looks upon her hands, glances upon the new scars that cover the old. They don't look like -feel- like her hands anymore. They haven't for a while.
She gets down from the tattered stage and is greeted by an intense force that takes her by surprise.
"You're one of us now, Tiny. How does it feel?" Sweetpea questions, releasing her from his grasp.
It's then that Toni finally takes everything in. This dirty bar that's been essentially her home for the last years, her many friends, now her family that she's grown up with. Every stain that laced the windows, every torn up, battered floorboard, every memory that she could conjure up in the moment. Toni inhales. She looks up at Sweetpea, still smiling lazily at her. Then at her hands once more and back to Sweetpea.
"Good. I feel.. good." She starts to smile, maybe to make him happy, maybe for herself. She can't really tell. She hasn't been able to for a while.
"Atta girl!" He practically yells and she feels herself become trapped in the atmosphere. Taken over by the many faces within the bar as the night presses forward. Drinks are passed and sloppy conversations are made. Toni feels loved, she knows she's loved, yet doesn't know why she feels so sequestered.
//
Deja vu.
That's what she feels as she enters her girlfriends house. She's lost in her own mind again. It happens a lot more frequently now. She sits down and feels calmed by the constant ticking of the grandfather clock. Nana Rose is positioned in front of the TV and Toni is comforted by the little red light emitted from it.
She feels someone take her hand. It stiffens, something that doesn't happen often. She can't understand why she's feeling like this. She wants to believe she has everything she could have ever desired, yet she doesn't feel them the way she once used to. Toni wants the world for herself but only if she can have it the way she once felt it.
"TT, you were gone a while, are you ok?" Cheryl inquires, her thumb circling over Toni's bruised knuckles. She sighs at how detached her girlfriend has been recently. Cheryl tucks a strand of Toni's pink hair behind her ear. The gesture is so gentle, so full of love, Toni feels herself become grounded. She has to physically fight the tears threatening to spill. She loves this girl so much. She want's to give her everything, she just can't understand the things people have done to her. Toni believes she see's things differently to others. Maybe that's why she feels so isolated.
"I love you" Toni says, very lackluster but her eyes screaming novels.
Cheryl's taken aback slightly. This isn't her Toni. She complies nonetheless. "I love you too, Toni". She takes her fingers gently under Toni's chin and cranes her forward as she places her lips upon hers. She feels Toni start to increase her pace, her hands coming to cup Cheryl's face. Eventually though, Cheryl finds herself breaking the kiss. She looks into Toni's eyes, reeling in the shared moment. Everything feels frozen and the girl in front of her is almost unrecognisable. The fuzziness of the TV is prominent and the white noise in the room is deafening. Cheryl wants to cry for her girl, nothing and everything is the same. There's an uncomfortable nostalgia in the room and Cheryl feels overwhelmed by the melancholy. She's confused yet everything still makes sense.
"I'm sorry" Toni breaks the silence. She looks down at the floor, refusing to meet Cheryls gaze. Once again she finds herself feeling guilty, feeling like she's let the ones she loves the most down. Cheryl, Sweetpea, fangs. Her parents.
"What for, baby?" Cheryl asks, kissing her forehead and taking hold of her hand.
Deja vu.
Toni feels everything right now. She clenches her eyes tight as she feels the sensations take over her hand.
"I can't tell you right now.. I don't have the words" She whispers.
The two girls stare into each other's eyes, a soft serenity tainting the atmosphere, everything is lukewarm.
//
Cheryl's in class.
Everyone's talking and laughing and being teenagers. She watches as Veronica and Archie give each other wistful glances accompanied by half smiles, as if they're thinking about the same thing and talking through looks. Betty and Jughead are sat next to Cheryl. They're casually chatting among each other, almost everyone in the room is. Cheryl can't wait for the lesson to be over.
After an eternity, the bell rings. Cheryl finds Veronica making her way over to her.
"Hey Cher, I haven't seen much of you recently, how’ve you been?" She asks, making light conversation.
"You see me at cheer practice almost everyday, Veronica. Or is your memory already failing you" She keeps the undertones of her attitude. Business as usual.
"You know what I mean" Veronica gives her a smirk. "Come have lunch with us, I promise we won't bore you to death"
"That's a heavy promise, especially considering these lunch plans involve cousin Betty, I assume?"
"Hey!" She hears Betty drawl
Veronica smiles and takes her arm, linking it with her own. They gang make their way over to the cafeteria and find themselves a table. The scene is what to be expected. All the different cliques gathered in their own areas. Cheryl smiles at the fact she has more than one she can fit into. These guys, and the serpents. She relishes in her family, Northside and South. She finds herself glancing at the serpents table. They all seem to be absorbed in a hearty laughter. It makes her heart swell. Sweetpea and Fangs seem to be in a heated discussion, worry plastering both their faces. Toni being know where to be seen.
Her attention is sparked by Betty asking her something.
"How is Toni, Cheryl. She's been a bit MIA" The whole table unanimously agrees.
"What?" Cheryl replies, a bit lost in the conversation she hasn't been listening to these last five minutes.
"I'm just saying we haven't really seen much of Toni, has she even been to school recently" Betty responds.
"Even at the trailer park she's kinda distant, meetings too" Jughead adds.
"TT is TT. She's fine, she's just doing her own thing. She has a lot on her plate right now." Cheryl says, fully knowing what she has just said was a lie. Toni wasn't fine, not by a long stretch. But she wasn't about to tell the scooby gang all this, not even when she didn't really know herself.
The gang look at her for a second, sort of taking it in but not really satisfied with the answer they were provided. Jughead looks back down at his food and resumes chomping. All of a sudden the sound of screaming deters the whole cafeteria from their previous doings.
"Fuck you, dumbass!" A voice screeches. There's a blunt noise accompanying it followed by the sounds of punches ricocheting off the lockers. The gang rush to see what's happening. Cheryl's eyes widen upon the scene. Before her stands her tiny girlfriend beating the shit out of some guy. He's stood with his back to a locker, a seeping crimson pouring from his nose and other bruises beginning to litter his face. Cheryl stands frozen at the scene, Archie eventually running in to break it up.
"Get off me, you asshole!" Toni screams, almost completely unaware of the gathering of students around her. She locks eyes with Cheryl, and it's then that she feels herself come back to reality. Toni runs -sprints- to the front doors of the school. Unsure of what to do Cheryl stands there confused once more.
"Fucking crazy ass bitch. Dumb serpent slut, I didn't even do nothing, bitch just went crazy" She hears the boy say.
Cheryl looks around the room, some of the students laughing, others stood with their phones out, trying to capture any remaining aftermath.
"Cheryl" Veronica quietly breaks her from her thoughts. "Go" She follows up with. Cheryl, understanding what she has to do feels her feet move, before she knows it she's outside, searching for her pinkhaired, five foot three girlfriend. Cheryl sees her sat on a bench by the football field. She silently makes her way over to her, unsure of what to say she just places herself next to Toni, offering a shared, understood support. They sit like that for a while. It isn't until Cheryl looks upon Toni's hands that she breaks the silence.
"You're bleeding, TT" Toni looks at her hands, one shaking significantly more than the other. She reaches out for Cheryl who quickly obliges. They both stand up and start to walk, aimlessly.
"Why, Toni? What is going on with you?" Cheryl asks bleakly, she wants nothing more than to help the girl she loves oh so much.
Toni clears her throat, her voice still comes out hoarse and broken. "I- I don't know. It's just easy"
"What's easy?" Cheryl responds
"That.. this" Toni holds up her bloody, broken hand, as if it were to explain everything to Cheryl.
Cheryl sighs once more, Toni taking her over to a tree. She begins to kiss her, peppering them generously around her neck and back to her lips. It's hollow, deposed. It's missing something and Cheryl can feel it. No longer once full of the passion it once harboured, yet Toni showed no signs of stopping. Cheryl finds herself having to break yet another kiss.
"-Toni, Toni s-stop, I-." Cheryl tries to gently position her girlfriend off of her.
"You what, Cheryl? Don't you want me? Don't you love me!?" It comes out demanding and angry. Cheryl has never seen this side of her girlfriend before
"What!? I- of course I do Toni, it's just.. let- let me take you to the hospital" Cheryl offers before she feels Toni slide away from her and begin to walk off, regardless of direction.
"My hand is fine!" She hears Toni yell as she walks further and further away.
"It's your mind I'm worried about" Cheryl mumbles to herself as she watches Toni fade away into the distance.
//
She doesn't know how she's managed to find herself here, but she has.
Some crappy Southside club that she's been able to sneak into. The walls are etched in mold and are wearing away with age. There's little light. It's encompassed by an overall gloomy atmosphere and Toni hates it. She hates everyone here. Currently she’s in the process of flirting with a middle-aged man who was incessant on calling her "sweetheart" to see if she could get him to buy her a drink. After various successful attempts she was growing tired and was in search of more, needed more.
"What are you looking for, Sweetheart" A Ghoulie approaches her, she recognises him (barely) and she informs him on her situation.
"Yeah? Well I got just what you need" He presents a handful of little sticks that Toni knows oh too well.
"Jingle-Jangle?" She looks hesitant.
"I promise ya" He gives her an eager smile.
Toni doesn't need much more convincing. She doesn't care at this point and will try anything. She hands him the money and makes her way over to a corner. She anxiously looks around at everyone at the club. They're sloppily dancing and there's horrific music blaring throughout the place. Toni pops it into her mouth and downs her drink she was milling with for the last ten minutes.
She starts to feel the effects quickly.
As the night goes on she continuously takes JJ whilst simultaneously drinking. Not good, she knows, but she feels alive. Like everything that she usually experiences starts to have layers. And each layer she understands as well as the last, all adding up to the overall thing. Everything's much more intense but because of this new understanding that the drugs have given her, Toni feels like a genius. She understands everything so very well. All the words that have lingered in her head, she finally has them. If she could give someone this feeling, they would understand everything. Everything she has felt over these last years. Everything.
If Cheryl were here right now, Toni would be able to explain her head, her mind. Toni can't stop smiling. She's dancing and she's feeling and she's living her life. The way she assumes it was intended to be felt. Toni looks down at her hands, both as scarred as each other and she clenches them. As she releases, she feels the absence of her mothers grip. Toni panics. She feels herself come undone, starting to hyperventilate and look wildly at this horribly crowded bar filled with sleazy drug addicts and people she promised herself she'd never associate with. She clambers around, holding one hand to her chest, the other she's clenching and unclenching furiously, trying to feel her mother on her, trying to feel anything as she feels herself slipping.
She finds herself on the bathroom floor. She doesn't care that she's most likely kneeling in piss and needles, anything is better than that nightmare. Suddenly, it all becomes too much, too overwhelming as Toni feels the toll of the alcohol and drugs. She's still tripping but it's mixing with her come down and she's in an awkward in between stage that's messing too much with her body and mind. She's leaning over the toilet and violently vomiting into it, tears begin staining her cheeks and her hands tremble as she clutches the toilet. She's completely debilitated and she'd give anything to not be alive.
She hears the door open but can't bring herself to look up.
"Who do you need me to call?" A gruff woman’s voice sounds and bounces off the tiles in the stalls. Toni barely turns herself but recognises that it's the bartender who had given her sorrowful looks for most of the night. Toni can't speak.
She's not sure how but she's now sitting on an uncomfortable seat that's just beside the entrance of the club. She can't move and she realises this is her come down.
The door opens and Toni hears a familiar "Jesus Christ, Toni". Her head tilts ever so slightly in the direction and she see's her girlfriend, face flushed and slightly out of breath, her red hair tousled and her eyes sad. All Toni can do is swallow and try to move her hands.
Cheryl looks down at the girl sat on the bench. She looks at her gaunt features and the black, hollow bags under her eyes. Was Toni always this skinny? Cheryl thought to herself. She analyses the rest of her face and all Cheryl can think is tired. Toni looks so tired.
//
They're asleep in Cheryl's too large canopy bed.
There's three more weeks left until the end of the semester and Toni isn't sure how she feels. She can't sleep. She looks at Cheryl and thinks to herself that she has never seen anyone this beautiful. She loves her. And she would do anything for.
"-mm TT, go to sleep" She hears Cheryl mumble.
"I can't" Toni's voice barely sounds out.
"Where's your head, baby" Cheryl starts to sit up and Toni feels guilty that she's pulled her from sleep.
"Everyone's left for a place I'm not fond of. I think I'm the only person who realises it"
Cheryl pulls Toni closer, both of them feeling each others breath. She kisses her forehead and says "Everything is going to be ok"
Toni feels herself break.
"Mommy" She sobs.