Howdy and welcome to a blog where I make and post transcripts of Torchwood audio content! I am doing this in my free time (whenever that is) and do not currently have a schedule in place for making and posting these.
At the moment I have decided to start by working my way through the Torchwood main range in order of release date (starting with "the Conspiracy") which means I've got a backlog of nearly 10 years of transcribing to do! I'm hopeful that I will eventually catch up to Big Finish and be able to put out 1 main range transcription each month approximately 1 or 2 months behind their initial release (while working on transcribing other Torchwood related audios) but its likely going to take a very long time to get there.
After I catch up to the main range I'm thinking of tackling either Torchwood One or The Story Continues next (but that's a long way off yet)
I will not be transcribing the Torchwood radio plays as those have already been transcribed and can be found here (endless thank yous to Chrissie's Transcripts Site you've been so useful to me over the years <3)
Now for some organizational stuff, each episode will be tagged with: series, episode name, episode number, release month and year, the characters it features, the episode writer/s, the director, and the voice actors
Many episodes have interviews at the end of them which I will also transcribe and include.
This archive is also available as a website! come have a look!
Last but not least, I am always happy to answer asks especially if you have any questions about the way I've chosen to transcribe something, but feel free to ask me about my personal thoughts and feelings on episodes as well or even just pop in to say hi! If you're ever interested in what else I'm up to feel free to hop over and visit my main @feech
someone in the UK threw eggs at Charles and was arrested and has been banned from openly carrying eggs in public and has since been sent death threats but their statement on the matter was so fucking good
"So my bail conditions were, between my arrest and my trial, were that I wasn't allowed to carry eggs in public."
host laughs
"Yeah, I know, and so that is in itself like so absurd that it's like right"
Host: "I gotta know, is there like a provision for if you're going home from the store? Or are you just, are you just egg-less?"
"So the copper who was literally just like making this up at the station says like 'Ok, so your bail condition is: you're not allowed within 500 meters of the king; you're not allowed to carry eggs in public' and then he goes like 'ah actually, like, what 'appens if he wants to buy some eggs?' Ok, so they changed it so it's like, 'You're allowed to carry eggs as long as you're going home from the shops and you've got the receipt"
host laughs
"And I think, that was more viral than me actually doing it, you know what I mean like, people were like, that's Britain for you, have you got a license for those eggs"
-"The Man Who Egged King Charles", It Could Happen Here, May 18 2023
Scott: Hello! My Name is Scott Handcock. I am the director of Torchwood: Fall to Earth and I am joined this afternoon by
James: Uh James Goss, I wrote this.
Gareth: Gareth David-Lloyd, play Ianto.
Lisa: Lisa Zahra, I play Zeynep.
Scott: And what a lovely day, what a lovely script it’s been. James, do you want to talk a little bit about how the idea came to you for this episode?
James: uh cus when we brought back Torchwood, we had one script already written which is by David Llewellyn and the next one obviously had to be Ianto because he’s the one that everyone loves.
Gareth: mhmm. mhmm.
Scott: Yup, quite right. and Gareth how has it been returning to the role after, six years to the week—we realized today—since you died on screen?
Gareth: It’s, it’s been amazing! I was worried when I- when I first heard I was gonna be doing it, how long it would take me to sort of get back into the skin of the character the- but it, within two lines I w- I was back there. It was like I never left. It was lovely and it’s been a very no- nostalgic experience for me to let him breath once more.
Scott: Um and Lisa as well, what do you make of Zeynep? And the lovely character you've brought to life today which sort of flew right off the page, actually, the moment we got the pair of you into studio!
Lisa: Aw, I've absolutely loved it I think um, as soon as I read it, actually. And the relationship between them both is just brilliant. Just to have two of us in the whole episode has just been really good to, to have that experience. I really enjoyed it. Really enjoyed it.
James: In a lot of the tv episodes Ianto is standing in the background and you, ya know it’s kind of, Captain Jack walks into a room and says something brave and heroic! Eve Myles walks into a room, shoots somebody and it’s full of heart and everything. And then Ianto just gets to walk in and say the really pithy lovely line.
Gareth: And raises his left eyebrow.
everyone laughing
James: Yes! Go on, do that. Do that now on audio please!
Lisa laughing
James: Thank you.
Scott: That has indeed been done. Um but yay! I'm- I mean we were talking a little bit earlier about how visual this uh drama has been.
Gareth: Yeah, uh, uh i was saying ya know I've- I've ha- uh- have-e-each scene has a sort of core emotion and I- I -I- I find myself to get into that emotion uh- a stock facial expression for each, for each scene which has helped me um, its- it- although the people at home can't see it, it’s been a very visual- it’s been a very visual episode for me as far as uh- um my face goes.
Lisa: Yeah, I think definitely. And the expressions with it it- the- I mean you have to do it when you’re sitting there it’s just you’re completely- I saw it all straight away when I first read it. But today, being able to read it out loud, the both of u,s has just been brilliant because I can see it. I’d love to see it actually, I’d love to see it on tv.
Scott: That was always you’re sort of mission, wasn’t it James? To come up with story lines that were the sort of episodes you wish you'd seen on screen in series one and two?
James: Yeah! and it’s just I- isn't great having an episode that’s all about Ianto! And all about what a noble, honest, decent man he is. And then just at the end you realize he’s there going "oh I've just asked somebody really nice to kill herself. Oh. ssss today's not great actually.”
Gareth: Yeah, but it’s, I mean. What’s lovely is the relationship between Ianto and um, uh Zeynep. um I think what he recognizes in her very early on is the sort of fact she’s got this very sort of rigid job to- to do. She works from a script, and everything has to be just so which he completely connects with cus the-uh that’s the way he sort of deals with himself every day. Wears a rigid suit, he- he makes coffee, ev-ev-everything that- everything is just right. everything’s ordered neatly. I think he mentions that in the script. So, I think he- that- that they’ve got a sort of relationship that he recognizes quite early on and that quite fun sort of playing with that (Lisa: mm, yeah.) y-y-you know he says to her a couple of time "are you off script now?" " oh, you've gone of script!" you know and he- he sort of, he sort of r-recognizes her, her job. So, it’s nice to have s-you know to have two character that are quite similar (Scott: that’s it, you’re both the little people) bon-bon-bonding across, yeah, bonding across the uh, across the airwaves.
Lisa: And it’s a strong bond. At the end you do wonder, and when I first read it thinking do they, do they meet? I wonder what would happen if they did? Ya know and its quite, Its quite romantic, I think, at the end. There’s a- a romantic, a romantic aspect to it that comes at the end- at the end of the piece.
Gareth: Yeah.
Lisa: Which I really like
Scott: There’s a huge affection that really builds throughout the story as well.
Lisa: mm.
James: yeah, but if they ever met up Ianto would set fire to her house.
Lisa: yeah.
James: He would do it for the best of intentions. (Lisa and Gareth laugh) but within half an hour the house would be on fire, the car would be crashed, and one of the children would be in hospital.
Lisa: It’s probably best that he doesn’t get to meet the family, I think.
everyone agreeing
Scott: and, and Gareth how has, obviously it’s almost ten years since you started filming the very first series of Torchwood. It’s never left you, you're back as Ianto all this time on. Did you ever expect, when you started, that it would you know keep coming back yeah?
Gareth: Live on as much as it has? No not at all. I uh it’s- the whole, the whole, the whole thing for me from- from the beginning, has been completely overwhelming. And I didn't expect the character to- to grow into the character that he did. I didn't expect the series to be as popular worldwide as it was. I knew, I always knew, it was a good series but I d- I didn’t expect everything to grow so rapidly and so huge. um I didn’t expect to come back to do radio dramas after Ianto had died in series three. I didn't expect to get as far as season three as far as living goes! (Scott laughs) and- and to come back now this, this long after to- to know that people are still out there, wanting more, wanting to hear more and- and the fact that people are still prepared to- to write for it and make it is- is- is great and it’s you know it’s gonna be a big part of my life um til the day I die I think.
James:(whispered) Hooray!
Scott: Hooray indeed. And uh, what, what have been your favorite moments from today?Whatt have you most enjoyed playing in the script?
Lisa: I think it’s both the comedy between them but also the end because it feels like they really come together and there’s, a r- yeah I enjoy the end where you really, the gentleness in those scenes and those intimate scenes where they come together is really, that was really lovely, I enjoyed that.
Gareth: yeah, um I-I sort of happened with us realizing it, that we were sort of playing, I noticed with Zeynep as well she's got some great ianto-esque lines when sh- you know quite dry and quite uh- uh ironic, sardonic. um and then you know sort of them having the sort of dry- dry wit duel, in a lot of the scenes and then at the end sort of, sort of realizing they’ve actually forged this sort of underly- th- th- the two sensitive aspects of the characters have sort of bonded and underneath all that sort of um play, through- throughout the first um firs l- it was a nice- it was nice.
Scott: well, on that note, Lisa, Gareth, James, thank you very much for a lovely day (Lisa: thank you) and hopefully we'll be hearing more from Ianto jones very soon!
Ianto: The 21st century is when everything changes, and Ianto Jones is ready
(theme ends)
_____
(dramatic music plays)
(something metallic rattles in the background, Ianto is breathing heavily and dialing a phone number)
Ianto: (whimpers, strained) (under his breath) Right. (phone ringing) Come on. Come on come on come on!
(call connects)
Ianto: AAHHH! (grunting and straining)
Voice over the phone: Hello.
Ianto: Sorry, um, I'm on a spaceship and it's falling out of the sky.
Voice over the phone: You've reached the Jubilee Pizza Company. There's no one in right now to take your order. Please speak after the beep. Beep.
Ianto: OWW
(dramatic music fades out)
_____
(Torchwood theme in full)
(metal rattling continues in the background, a warning alarm beeps steadily, Ianto is breathing heavily)
Ianto: Oh, my leg. Blood everywhere. Oh, please someone!
Computer: Flight path deviation warning.
(phone rings) (phone beeps three times as Ianto picks up)
Ianto: Jack!
Zeynep: Is that Mr. Jones?
Ianto: Yes!
Zeynep: Mr. Ianto Jones?
Ianto: Yes! Oh, Thank God! Thank God!
Zeynep: Mr. Jones, if I may call you that?
Ianto: Sure!
Zeynep: If I can have a moment of your time, have you recently experienced an accident at work?
Ianto: What?
Zeynep: My name's Zeynep. Can I interest you in our accident insurance policy?
Ianto: (Laughing in disbelief)
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: (finishes laughing) Look, actually, I'm bleeding to death on a spaceship falling out of the sky.
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: You heard me! Listen! Hear that? That's the sound of Ephraim Salt's SkyPuncher ship crashing.
Zeynep: Mr. Jones.
Ianto: Google it, first private space flight. Breaking news! Not going well!
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: (exasperated) Is that all you can say?
Zeynep: Mr. Jones, I must apologize if I have phoned at an inconvenient moment. (Ianto laughs again) If you wish one of our operatives can phone you on another day.
Ianto: (with mock pleasantness) Oh sure! I'll have plenty of time tomorrow!
Zeynep: Very good then. I'll update our records. Thank you for your time.
Ianto: Oh (sighs) (desperately, almost whimpering) please?
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: I know how it sounds but I'm not hoaxing.
Zeynep: Of course not. However, I can sense that I have called at an inconvenient moment and will be terminating this cal-
Ianto: ALRIGHT! alright.
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: I am interested in your accident insurance policy.
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: I would like to buy some accident insurance, IF you'll stay on the line.
Zeynep: A very good choice, Mr. Jones. would you like our domestic or worldwide policy?
Ianto: Worldwide.
Zeynep: Very good. This policy is for accidental injury in the workplace.
Ianto: Yes! Yes, yes, fine.
Zeynep: If I may? I must just finish. This policy does not cover time off work caused by a disease, process, or long-standing medical condition. (Ianto: uh huh, yep.) But we do also offer optional compensation for income loss through-
Ianto: Yep, t-t-t-tick the box! Sure! (in pain) ahhhh!
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: Nothing! It's, nothing, carry on.
Zeynep: Do you have any pre-existing conditions?
Ianto: Ahh, my leg's bleeding everywhere.
Zeynep: I'm afraid we can't cover you for that.
Ianto: Pity.
Zeynep: I am sorry, could I have an email address?
Zeynep: Thank you! Now, how will you be paying today?
Ianto: uh-
Zeynep: By credit or debit card?
Ianto: Uh h-hold on. (Ianto rummaging around) Credit!
Zeynep: There's a three pound surcharge.
Ianto: Don't care!
Zeynep: And the name on the card?
Ianto: Mr. I Jones
Zeynep: Can I trouble you for the long number?
Ianto: Ugh, 7674984333333021
Zeynep: So, I've a card, ends in 2031
Ianto: No! 3021!
Zeynep: Of course, Mr. Jones. I apologize, 3021.
Ianto: Yes! guh, yes! (under his breath) Oh, god.
Zeynep: And now, Mr. Jones, may I have the expiry date?
Ianto: You're kidding. 05/10
Zeynep: That seems to have gone through!
Ianto: Oh lovely!
Zeynep: Congratulations Mr. Jones! You are fully insured. The policy documents are being emailed to you now. You have 48 hours to cancel. Have a safe day at work!
Zeynep: Is there anything else I can help you with Mr. Jones?
Ianto: Stop this thing crashing?
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: Look, all calls are recorded for training purposes, yes?
Zeynep: Yes.
Ianto: I'm telling the truth. I really am on Ephraim Salt's SkyPuncher. Something has gone wrong and the one person who can help me is you!
Zeynep: Mr. Jones I-
Ianto: If you don't and this recording surfaces you are going to become world famous for all the wrong reasons. Now, there's every chance that it won't, but guess what, this is life and these things have a habit of popping up.
Zeynep: I just sell insurance!
Ianto: Oh, today you're gonna do a lot more than that! Okay, I need you to google the plans of the SkyPuncher. anything you've got.
Zeynep: I can't do that.
Ianto: oh, you can!
Zeynep: I cannot Mr. Jones. I'm afraid our desktops are locked.
Ianto: Right! (typing) not anymore, I've sent you a very special code from my phone to your headset.
(headset chimes)
Zeynep: OH! What is this? What have you done to my computer?
Ianto: Good, isn't it? Perhaps you're starting to believe me. Your computer is now one of the most powerful information indexing machines on the planet.
Zeynep: Who are you?
Ianto: Mr. Jones.
Zeynep: but- but uh-
Ianto: Oooh someone's gone off script! Together we're gonna find out how to get the ship down.
Zeynep: Can't you do that yourself?
Ianto: My phone's good, but not that good.
Zeynep: Should you even have your phone on a plane?
Ianto: Least of my problems! Please! (small explosion) ugh Dammit!
Zeynep: I am sorry Mr. Jones; I'm going to have to terminate this call.
computer: Please correct angle of descent. re-engage autopilot.
Ianto: I DON'T KNOW HOW! Look, it's fine, goodbye.
Zeynep: Mr. Jones, cockpit, big green button.
Ianto: What?
Zeynep: big green button! press it now.
(button presses and buzzes)
computer: Auto pilot engaged.
(warning alarm stops)
Ianto: Oh! How did you know that?
Zeynep: I play a lot of flight simulators. Figured it was worth a shot.
Ianto: Oh, we're climbing, amazing! Thank you.
Zeynep: I'm glad to have helped you today Mr. Jones. Is there anything further I can assist you with?
Ianto: I'm still gonna need you to google everything you can about this ship.
Zeynep: Mr. Jones are you sure there is no one else I can connect you to?
Ianto Oh no, I've got you on my side now. Haven't I?
Zeynep: Can I ask what you are doing on the ship?
Ianto: Uh, feeling very scared? (in pain) Ahhh!
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: Sorry it's, (sighs) my leg.
Zeynep: Is it bleeding very badly?
Ianto: Yes.
Zeynep: I'm afraid it's our policy to transfer such calls to the emergency services.
Ianto: NO!
Zeynep: They may be able to-
Ianto: No, you can't do that! Please! Trust me it's- not- it-it- it's complicated. Listen, my leg, it's fine.
Zeynep: is it?
Ianto: Yep! Barely a scratch!
Zeynep: By which I mean you have of course staunched the bleeding with a tourniquet?
Ianto: Uhhhhhm- yes?
Zeynep: By using something to hand? Such as a bandage or a tea towel.
Ianto: A tea towel in space? Uh- loo- i've uh- I've got my necktie I could use that.
Zeynep: That will work.
Ianto: Okay.
Zeynep: I'm sure you've tied it very tight
Ianto: (high pitched, pained moan) (still high pitched)...Yes.
Zeynep: Tighter than that.
Ianto: (very high pitched) Yup.
Zeynep: Good. then I will not be needing to transfer this call (Ianto: No.) to the people who are undoubtedly best qualified to deal with your situation.
Ianto: it's...complicated
Zeynep: As I can see from google.
(pause)
(Ianto sighs)
Zeynep: There's no Mr. Jones listed on the passengers in the news report.
Ianto: Uh- um I'm not a passenger I'm the uh-......butler.
Zeynep: The air steward?
Ianto: Mmmm prefer sky butler.
Zeynep: I see.
Ianto: Listen, first private space flight, lots of celebrity passengers. Ephraim Salt himself. It was always going to be a high-profile event. I had to be on board to make sure nothing happened, nothing went wrong.
Zeynep: And how is that going Mr. Jones?
Ianto: I think everyone else is dead and something's wrong with the ship.
Zeynep: I see.
(pause)
Ianto: (deep sigh) We're climbing again. Any luck finding the SkyPuncher manual?
Zeynep: Still working on that. This software is incredible. You should sell it.
Ianto: I'll bear that in mind.
Zeynep: Please allow me to reassure you, Mr. Jones, that this information is being used with complete confidentiality, and I definitely haven't looked up a girl I went to school with.
Ianto: No.
Zeynep: She's so fat! And has maxed out four credit cards!
Ianto: (chuckles) Perhaps you should sell her some insurance.
Zeynep: I will bear that in mind Mr. Jones.
(Ianto takes a deep breath then grunts as something shifts and falls to the floor)
Ianto: Just getting the pilot out of his chair. (in pain) Ahh! May as well enjoy the view in comfort. (in pain) Uhh!
(more shifting noises, a small metallic jingle)
Ianto: There!
Zeynep: And how is the view?
Ianto: Magnificent. We're at the edge of the atmosphere. Long way up. My friend Gwen says that flying is two moments of terror and hours of boredom. (chuckles) Right now it's just terror.
Zeynep: Your friend Gwen?
Ianto: Colleague.
Zeynep: Both sky butlers?
Ianto: Not exactly.
Zeynep: Thought not. What are you? Are you a spy?
Ianto: (non-commital hum)
Zeynep: Mr. Jones, may I ask, what is your current occupation?
Ianto: Rather not say.
Zeynep: I see.
Ianto: The view…is really amazing! It's getting quite...floaty. Not 2001 but, listen (pause) (small thud) I just dropped my pen and it, sauntered.
Zeynep: I do like that word.
Ianto: Well, your english is very good for a- uh- um- I mean- oh god look sorry, I just assumed, call centers are always abroad so...
Zeynep: I'm in Glasgow.
Ianto: right. sorry.
Zeynep: Kidding, I'm in Izmir.
Ianto: Which is?
Zeynep: (sighs) Look down. Turkey. We're on the left. Hello!
Ianto: Oooh by the beach!
Zeynep: (scoffs good-naturedly) No. We have a river that's so poisonous you don't hang your washing out when the wind changes. My office is on the edge of the city and has a lovely view of an illegal sand quarry where people come to crash cars.
Ianto: Niiice.
Zeynep: I'll send you a postcard.
Ianto: Still think my view is better.
Zeynep: And Mr. Jones, what is the purpose of your journey today?
Ianto: Because (pause) b-because no one believed me when I told them Ephraim Salt was in danger. Wanted to save him. (pause) Tried my best. Guess you could call it my (pause) sense of duty.
Zeynep: You are definitely a spy. Aren't you Mr. Jones?
Ianto: w- uh- yes. (deepens voice slightly) I'm a spy.
Zeynep: Oooh tell me more.
Ianto: (still in a deeper voice) I would but it's (pause) complicated.
Zeynep: Have you a license to kill?
Ianto: (back to normal voice) You teasing?
Zeynep: I spend all day being sworn at by complete strangers. Now it's my turn! Anyway, we love spies here. do you know what the Turkish is for briefcase?
Ianto: Surprise me.
Zeynep: James Bond sandbag.
Ianto: That's uh-
Zeynep: I know! How's space?
Ianto: Quite close now, the sky's really curved. We're heading toward the curviest bit of the curve and everything looks odd. Half the view is broad daylight and above that it's nighttime. There's a sort of rainbow between the two. (low thud) WOAH! (something slides) (low thud)
Zeynep: Are you alright Mr. Jones?
Ianto: Yup! Bit of turbulence, but at this height that's tricky. (deep breath) We're leaving the atmosphere. So gradual. But it's amazing! I feel cold. Must be cold outside. How's the computer? Might need those tech specs soon.
Zeynep: So you can turn around? The computer's still working on that.
Ianto: In theory we're gonna do a vanity loop around Ephraim Salt's newest satellite and then head back down. Can't believe we're gonna do all that on autopilot.
Zeynep: And how are you at flying a plane?
Ianto: Not great.
Zeynep: James Bond wouldn't say that.
Ianto: Look, I am so not James Bond I- uh, being a spy it's uh- it's um. My life is mostly very dull.
Zeynep: You're on a spaceship that's being attacked by terrorists.
Ianto: Well, yes, possibly. Could be an accident.
Zeynep: An accident you predicted? Mr. Jones. I sell insurance for a living. We'd call that fishy.
Ianto: right. Can I have a moment?
Zeynep: sure.
Ianto: (sighs) Space is very (pause) woooo..... Right, I'm gonna check on the other passengers. Make sure they're all strapped in. Don't want a cabin full of floating corpses.
(metal clinks) (shifting noises)
Ianto: (in pain) Ahh! Right. (grunts) This is like, swimming. Little bit uh, wow! (chuckles) Everyone's strapped in. They look (pause) peaceful.
Zeynep: I thought you said they were dead?
Ianto: Think so. (pause) All a bit of a blur. My leg was (pause) right. Currently I'm a feeling up a Big Brother winner.
Zeynep: That's not a usual situation.
Ianto: Isn't it? heh (metal clinking) No pulse I can detect. Was, so sudden. There was a bang and they-
Zeynep: Mr. Jones? I'm losing you.
Ianto: Well, we're as close as you can get to the communications satellites. Signal should be peachy.
Zeynep: Yeah, there's whole world between my living room and my balcony. Try getting a signal out there. Not a chance.
Ianto: We're really getting close the satellite. Autopilot's showing off. Loop round and then back down. That's where I'm really gonna need your help.
Zeynep: Computer says it's at 73%. Whatever that means.
Ianto: Annoying.
Zeynep: Isn't it Mr. Jones.
(thrusters firing in the background)
Ianto: We're about to turn around.
(warning begins to blare)
Computer: Proximity alert. Proximity alert.
Ianto: No. NO!
(collision, metal scraping)
(lots of warning and alerts going off)
Ianto: AHHH! AHH! ugh. uh- oh GAHH! uhhh GURH!
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: uhhhhh
Zeynep: Mr. Jones? Can you hear me Mr. Jones? are you alright?
Ianto: Not really no. Small fire and um, stuff.
Zeynep: What's happened?
Ianto: Smashed into the satellite. Just swerved, thought that would be it but, Hey-hey! Still here!
Zeynep: You destroyed the communications satellite?
Ianto: I didn't! The ship just- wait.
Zeynep: What?
Ianto: The autopilot's off. (switch flipping) Really need those plans now!
Zeynep: They're still downloading.
Ianto: You don't understand I need to know how to turn this ship around, otherwise we're just gonna head off into space.
Zeynep: It's nearly there, can you just-
Ianto: No! I can't! if I go much further I'll be out of telephone range.
Zeynep: Right. I'm on it. I'm-
(hold music)
Recorded voice: Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. (pause) Have you considered the benefits of changing your contents insurance (Ianto: (softly) no!) provider?
Ianto: No. No. No. NO NO NO NO!
(hold music stops)
Zeynep: Mr. Jones? Are you still there?
Ianto: YES! Thank you! Oh, you're very faint, can you speak up?
Zeynep: Listen to me, this call has gone over the service standard time limit after a purchase the system has flagged this out.
Ianto: But surely if you- y-
Zeynep: I don't want the computer to notify my manager.
Ianto: Oh no, no of course not you're only saving my life!
Zeynep: Mr. Jones.
Ianto: W-what've you got?
Zeynep: I'm sorry?
Ianto: Sell me something.
Zeynep: Uhh pet insurance?
Ianto: Myfanwy!
Zeynep: How do you spell that?
Ianto: M! Y! F! A! N! W! Y!
Zeynep: M for mother, Y for yeti, F for Freddy, A for apple, N for no, W for weather, Y for yeti.
Ianto: Very good!
Zeynep: And is that a boy or a girl?
Ianto: you're on script again, aren't you?
Zeynep: Of course, sir! This will only take a moment.
Ianto: Girl, I- uh, think.
Zeynep: Dog, cat, bird, rabbit or other?
Ianto: Bird. Yeah, bird!
Zeynep: What sort of bird?
Ianto: Exotic!
Zeynep: any pre-existing medical conditions?
Ianto: nope!
Zeynep: age?
Ianto: ah-uh-
Zeynep: I'm sorry I didn't hear that Mr. Jones
Ianto: Doesn't matter, 3!
(metal scraping noises)
Zeynep: And are you happy for me to use the existing payment details and contact information for Myfanwy?
(small explosion)
Ianto: AH! Yes! I am!
Zeynep: Then I am pleased to tell you, that Myfanwy is now insured.
Ianto: Hooray!
(metallic objects sliding and crashing together)
Zeynep: Anything else I can help you with today, Mr. Jones?
Ianto: Yes. Help me turn this thing around?
Zeynep: Yes. You need to engage the left thruster gently to turn her back to earth.
Ianto: And how do I do that?
Zeynep: In front of you is a display pad with a (pause) it looks a bit like a steering wheel.
Ianto: Yes, but the steering wheel is locked
Zeynep: Well, good. That's only for use in glide mode.
Ianto: what's-?
Zeynep: Not important right now. I've only read so much of the manual. (to herself) How did this computer find this? Anyway, under the steering wheel, two flippy switches. like, eh- pinball nudgers.
Ianto: Pinball nudgers? w-? Ah! Got 'em!
(metal shifting)
Zeynep: Flip the right one and flip it only 'til the craft is vectored just above the apogee.
Ianto: Apogee....?
Zeynep: (sighs) 'Til the nose is still just poking into the stars and not the sky.
Ianto: right. the right flipper?
Zeynep: yes. careful, they're more like hairdryers than engines.
Ianto: Okay. Done. (switch flicking) Now?
Zeynep: We're relying on momentum to push you back onto the atmosphere.
Ianto: It's working! Slowly.
(Torchwood variation begins quietly in the background)
Zeynep: Slowly is good.
Ianto: How will I know when I hit re-entry?
Zeynep: It'll get bumpy. and warm.
(low thud) (warning sirens begin)
Ianto: OoooOoOooOoOOOoOoH! It got bumpy! (low thud) Uh-wasn't this bad coming up!
Zeynep: Then your angle of flight would be programmed by experts. I sell insurance and you pour drinks.
Zeynep: You should now be entering controlled descent.
Ianto: Falling slowly.
Zeynep: If we get it right. Now, how much of the control desk is lit up?
Ianto: Uh all of it. Most of it. I think. (in pain) Ah!
Zeynep: Apparently, we're looking for a panel that reads uh- glider wing deployment. Three down two across.
Ianto: Can't see it.
Zeynep: From the left.
Ianto: Uh.... (hisses) Got it!
Zeynep: There should be a red light and a graphic. Looks a bit like uh- you seen Star Wars?
Ianto: Of course I have.
Zeynep: An x-wing. When it goes green that's time to unfold the wings. They'll slow you down. Then the steering will unlock, and you'll enter glide mode. See the pips underneath.
Ianto: uh.....
Zeynep: The dots! Right? Dots? Some red ones, some green ones.
Ianto: Yes. Yes.
Zeynep: When you are uh- oh, hold on please Mr. Jones.
Ianto: Wha- hello? W- uh- the red ones are switching off. (pause) What does that mean? There's seven green ones, now six, now five.
Zeynep: I'm sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Jones, I left the page on the printer.
Ianto: You printed out a spaceship flight manual?
Zeynep: Are there two green lights?
Ianto: Three!
Zeynep: Good. When there are two, engage the wings.
Ianto: Now?
Zeynep: Now!
(switch flips twice) (alarm starts blaring)
Ianto: It hasn't worked. It hasn't worked!
Zeynep: What? Try it again!
Ianto: Really?
Zeynep: Sorry, eh give me a second please.
(metal shifting)
Ianto: Woah!
Zeynep: Okay, you can try it again. (switch flips) Anything? (switch flips again)
Ianto: No!
Zeynep: Maybe you're doing it wrong.
Ianto: I'm not doing it wrong!
Zeynep: Little toggle, engage.
Ianto: Yup!
Zeynep: Is there a button labelled diagnostic? I mean there is, but can you see it?
Ianto: Yes. and yes!
Zeynep: Press it
(button clicks and buzzes)
(silence)
Zeynep: Mr. Jones? Is there anything more I can help you with Mr. Jones? You do know that after ten seconds of silence I must terminate this call don't you Mr. Jones?
Ianto: The whole panel's gone blank.
Zeynep: Oh.
Ianto: Thanks, thanks for that.
(buzzing and beeping)
Ianto: OH NO! It says there's not enough pressure in the system for the wings to deploy!
Zeynep: Meaning?
Ianto: That's it! You may as well try steering a brick! Thanks for trying you're welcome to hang up now, unless you like listening to a whole lot of screaming.
Zeynep: I'm sorry Mr. Jones.
Ianto: It's fine I'll hang up myself. Just, when a handsome man comes to your desk, and he will, (Zeynep: wait!) tell Jack I'm sorr- what?
Zeynep: You said there wasn't enough pressure in the system. You made it sound like the brakes on my car.
Ianto: Weeelll, pretty much. I mean I'm no expert. Some kind of hydraulic system? What are you suggesting? That I pull up the flooring and yank the cables?
Zeynep: Can you do that?
Ianto: Yeah! This is hardly a 747. (metal creaking) Yup. There we go. All labelled. But there's no point. It's not that simple, is it? (mockingly) Oh, there's even a widget, like when you blow up your bike tire!
Zeynep: A valve.
Ianto: (mockingly) A valve yeah! I could puff! (chuckles)
Zeynep: You don't need to! Is there a fire extinguisher on board?
Ianto: You're kidding. (pause) You're not, are you?
Zeynep: Just a thought. If there's not enough pressure in the system?
(shifting) (small clank)
Ianto: The nozzle's not a great fit but it'll have to do.
(fire extinguisher sprays into the valve a few times)
(alert goes off twice followed by a small jingle and a high-pitched tone)
Ianto: I don't believe it! How'd you know that?
Zeynep: Unreliable family car. Also, I'm a fire warden.
Ianto: Oh, It's amazing! I'm back in the cabin and the flight deck's lit up like a Christmas tree. Oh, I could kiss you!
Zeynep: Flirtation's not allowed Mr. Jones.
Ianto: They monitor that?
Zeynep: And heavy breathing, so you need to watch that.
Ianto: I'll try to make my panic less...sexfesty.
Zeynep: Please do.
(switch flicks twice) (hydraulics whir)
Computer: Wings extended. Entering glide mode.
Ianto: WOOHOO! We've actually done it!
Zeynep: I am pleased! Do I need to find out how to teach you to fly the ship?
Ianto: Well, the steering wheel thingy is unlocked.
Zeynep: Steering column.
Ianto: Steering wheel. Now, if you could skip few pages ahead to the section marked "landing"
Zeynep: Of course. (pages turning) Why are you doing this?
Ianto: Trying not to die?
Zeynep: Trying to save people you don't even know.
Ianto: Uh- as I said sense of duty.
Zeynep: Right.
(pause)
Ianto: Look, i- in my line of work it's the kind of judgement call you have to make.
Zeynep: Is that so?
Ianto: Do the best I can. (three electronic beeps) Ah, shit.
Zeynep: Now what?
Ianto: My phone battery is on 10%.
Zeynep: (exasperated) Oh, Allah, Allah!
Ianto: Ridiculous isn't it. Oh, my life!
Zeynep: Have you got a charger on you?
Ianto: Bless you for that.
Zeynep: Thought not.
Ianto: It might be fine. It might last?
Zeynep: When does a phone battery ever do that?
Ianto: Yooooou're right. There's a usb port on the flight deck but no charging cable.
Zeynep: I have a suggestion.
Ianto: Okay?
Zeynep: You're not going to like it.
Ianto: Right.
Zeynep: Search the others on board.
Ianto: Eough (shifting) Okay, alright, fine.
Computer: Automatic flight control engaged.
Ianto: I'm going out on deck. Let's do this. (footsteps) (in pain) Ah! Ahh! (hisses in pain) Right. (hisses) Oh! So, this is weird. A lot of rich people. Do I search the boyband?
Zeynep: Oh! Which one?
Ianto: Star 7?
Zeynep: My daughter loves them! Can you take a picture?
Ianto: Of a dead boy band?
Zeynep: Fair point. Just one?
Ianto: No. (pause) Ephraim Salt. (pause) I'm going through the pockets of a dead billionaire philanthropist. Bound to have a phone charger. Oh? (pause) OH.
Zeynep: What?
Ianto: He's not dead.
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: He has a really slow pulse. I just assumed I was the only one- if I can bring him round- (two slaps) Mr. Salt? Ephraim? (pause) Nothing. His eyes aren't responsive either. I don't understand.
Zeynep: You didn't say what happened to them all.
Ianto: They were all talking away! S-something happened to the ship, they started screaming! Something cut my leg, it's not clear. I just- I just assumed- I- I checked the pulses! I did!
(dramatic music starts while aggressive grunting, growling, and yelling begins)
Ianto: AH! Get away!
(grunting, growling, and yelling continues in the background)
(scuffling) (growling and yelling becomes muffled)
Ianto: Whooo! Oh, I'm in the hold. Not very big, but it doesn't have a zombie in it.
Zeynep: A zombie! Really?
Ianto: Ephraim Salt. Utter screaming madman. So, got his phone charger.
Zeynep: Good, but what?
Ianto: I don't know! I don't understand! He was just thrashing and screaming, and it was horrible! (sighs) I gotta get back past him to the cockpit to charge my phone
Zeynep: (laughing)
Ianto: Oh sorry, is that funny?
Zeynep: I could never be a spy Mr. Jones
Ianto: No? Well, zombies on a plane? Nothing. I've been out in Swansea on a Saturday. Right. uh, (exhales) Tiny hold. No room for anything but Ephraim Salt's luggage. What would you pack for the stars? Doesn't matter. What does matter is that his suitcase is very, very expensive. Black box! The world's toughest suitcase. One dan brown, pair of socks, breath mints, and hey! I have two phone chargers! Whoop de doo! (stretching or zipping noise) There. Oh! Just so you know, I've just tied a suitcase to myself with elastic straps for protection. Wish I could send you a picture but that would be the last of my battery. Trust me though, I look sexy.
Zeynep: my knight in armor.
Ianto: Quite. (deep breath) Right. Let's get back out there.
Zeynep: Rather you than me.
Ianto: Always.
(door opens) (growling and yelling volume increases)
Ianto: There, Mr. salt, please listen to me. I mean you no harm. OW! Ah!
Zeynep: Come on Mr. Jones, you can do it!
Computer (muffled): Glide control disengaged. Glide control disengaged.
Ianto: No! autopilot's off!
Zeynep: Turn it back on!
Ianto: Still gotta get past Mr. salt and (strangled cry) This is a really bad day! AH! Mr. Salt, Mr. Salt listen to me. Please calm down! I know you don't want to attack me please!
Zeynep: What's happened to him?
Ianto: Not NOW! No, not- hang on Mr. salt. no. (heavy thud) (growling stops) (metal clanking) Ah! Oh God.
Zeynep: What have you done?
Ianto: Uh...knocked him out with a steel briefcase.
Zeynep: That's good right?
Ianto: Uh yeah, not sure I just knocked him out though.
Zeynep: Oh.
Ianto: Yeah, I- I know we've got more important things on but- I'm just gonna check on him.
Zeynep: What about the plane?
Ianto: May have just killed someone, don't do that every day. So, please just let me- (takes a breath) still a pulse.
Zeynep: Do you think the others are alive?
iato: I'm just hoping they don't wake up. Don't fancy being torn apart by a boy band.
Zeynep: My daughter-
Ianto: Oh, don't- you start.
Ephraim: (yelling)
Ianto: Ahhhh! Ah!
Ephraim: (breathing heavily) They- tried to kill me. You! Tried to kill me!
Ianto: No! I didn't, Mr. Salt!
Ephraim:(still breathing heavily) Burning. Rage. What happened to me? Can't think. They want it. They mustn't have it. (pause) Now go! (yelling) I can't! Can't!
Ianto: (in pain) Ah! AAHHHHHH! Ahh. BIT ME! ON MY LEG!
Zeynep: Get out of there!
Ianto: (in pain) Ah!
(footsteps) (door closing) (muffled growling and yelling in the background)
Ianto: (exhales heavily) I'm in. (in pain) Ah! Thank god, I'm in.
Zeynep: But how are you going to keep him out?
Ianto: There's a- a cockpit door, not a proper security one. Not at all! Reminds me of a caravan holiday in Barry Island. What I'm saying is, it's not gonna work for long. Right then. You sill there?
Zeynep: always.
Ianto: So, (phone warbles) phone on charge. Next. (switches clicking)
(failure beep)
Computer: Unable to re-engage glide control.
Ianto: Autopilot's not working. So, I'm, I'm on a space ship with a raging madman, it's crashing, and I now need to learn how to fly it.
Zeynep: Tough day.
Ianto: Regretting selling me insurance?
Zeynep: We have a help line for filling in the forms. They're going to love you.
Ianto: (with laboured breathing) Well don't transfer me. (breath) Not just yet, eh? (breath) I'm starting to enjoy our conversation.
Zeynep: Me too.
Ianto: (slurring slightly) First priority is to learn how to fly this thing right? (hisses in pain) Ah! First, (a few breaths) uh, just a little sit down. (metal clinking) Not feeling too clever. (exhales "oh")
Zeynep: Mr. Jones, (Ianto hisses in pain) is there anything I can help you with?
Ianto: Sorry, (pained breath) bit of heavy breathing there. My leg he, he bit my wound! It's uh, bleeding again. Fine anyway I- think- (pause) actually feeling pretty bad! (chuckles) Wonder if whatever got to the passengers is affecting me too. So tired.
Zeynep: (echoing from a distance) Mr. Jones. Wake up! Mr. Jones!
Ianto: (softly) I'm dead. (louder) Mr. Jones is dead.
Zeynep: (still echoey and distant) Come on Mr. Jones, come on! You can do it!
Ianto: (softly, resigned) You're talking to a dead man. (sighs) Give up.
Zeynep: (still distant) Mister! Jones! (louder and clear) IANTO!
Ianto: Yes! Maybe it's an airborne toxin. Some kind of virus?
Zeynep: Or maybe, just maybe, you've lost a lot of blood. My eldest fell off her bike and refused to tell me because she wanted to finish her maths homework. (Ianto: huh.) Found her bleeding all over her algebra. Kids. Anyway, I would like you to look at your leg.
Ianto: My what?
Zeynep: The tourniquet on your leg.
Ianto: (non-committal hum)
Zeynep: Come on! it's bleeding, isn't it?
Ianto: (softly) Yeah.
Zeynep: Oh, I'm so glad you're out of it cuz this is going to hurt.
Ianto: What is?
Zeynep: You've still got those elasticated ropes? From the suitcase?
(Ianto shifting)
Zeynep: Take one. Bind it round your leg.
(elastic stretching)
Ianto: Ooh, squeezy.
Zeynep: That's right. Now wrap it again. And again. There we go. Lovely and tight. And then fasten it to itself.
Ianto: Yup.
Zeynep: And let go.
(elastic snaps) (Ianto yelps)
Zeynep: The pressure on the wound will stop the bleeding. The pain will wake you up. Now, is there a first aid kit?
Ianto: (high pitched) Yup. out- out in the passenger deck.
Zeynep: Oh, let's forget painkillers.
Ianto: (high pitched and in pain) Oh yes, lets!
Zeynep: Okay, Mr. Salt or crashing?
Ianto: Well, we've not crashed yet. He does sound pretty mad.
Zeynep: Okay, try and bring the ship under control while I work out what to do.
Ianto: I'm pulling us up, woo, bit wobbly. But okay. Wings are holding. It's basically like a big expensive glider! (laughs) I'm flying a spaceship!
Zeynep: Yes, you are. You get points for that. You'll get even more for landing it.
Ianto: Won't I just.
(Ephraim yelling gets louder)
Ianto: That door's really not holding. (thudding) He's pretty strong!
Zeynep: I've a suggestion.
Ianto: Yeah?
Zeynep: On the control panel, is there one for environmental control? It should be the far left.
Ianto: Uh, yup.
Zeynep: And is it online?
Ianto: Yeah.
Zeynep: Okay, see the settings for the passenger cabin? Raise the temperature as high as it will go. And if you can, lower the cabin pressure and turn off the air supply.
(thud)
Ianto: Wha-?
Zeynep: Found them?
Ianto: Yeah. (controls clicking)
(yelling and thudding)
Zeynep: It should make him drowsy, like being on top of a mountain wrapped in a blanket.
Ianto: That's a curious way of talking about oxygen starvation.
Zeynep: It's him or you. We want you unhindered and him dozing don't we.
(more yelling)
Ianto: Yeah.
Zeynep: Come on, they always turn the heat up in the cabin after takeoff. Keeps the cattle docile.
Ianto: Cattle?
Zeynep: I grew up in a lovely little fishing village. Can't move for now for skyscrapers and tourists who think it's Spain. Actual Spain. They sing Una Paloma Blanca round the pool at night.
Ianto: I'm sorry
Zeynep: Oh, I'm just bitter. Now, my brother? He'd tell you he earns a fortune and has a lot of curvy girlfriends. My brother is an idiot.
(yelling and thudding trail off)
Ianto: He stopped.
Zeynep: Good. Because we can now discount Mr. Salt being...
Ianto: A zombie.
Zeynep: Thanks. Not going to say the word. I'm no expert but, they don't nap, do they? So, what happened to the passengers?
Ianto: I don't know. Uh, like I said they were all chatting away and then- something happened to the ship. Screaming. My leg hurt.
Zeynep: Are you sure that's the order?
Ianto: yeah! Well, (pause) I mean- (pause) What else, can the order be? were we attacked by an outside force? If it's some kind of virus then? I'm doing the wrong thing. I can't land the ship! Not if there's an alien bacteria on board. I need to-
Zeynep: Okay. It's just- What were you doing before the crash.
Ianto: I was serving drinks.
Zeynep: Ah. Sky butler.
Ianto: Mhmm. Champagne. Ridiculous conditions to have it in—no flavor at altitude for a start—but rich people do love champagne at height. Lots of champagne and then some coffee.
Zeynep: And you served the drinks?
Ianto: (smugly) Oh yes! Everyone had a coffee. Even the pilots. Which was good as I worked hard to make it taste just right. Couldn't do anything with the champagne but the coffee? You know the secret is all in the-
Zeynep: You didn't drink any yourself?
Ianto: No, I was busy serving it.
Zeynep: And then?
Ianto: Something happened to the ship and the screaming started. No wait, the screaming started and then- then something happened.
Zeynep: I think it's not a space virus. I think there was a drug in the coffee.
Ianto: Oh.
Zeynep: You know how you got on board to stop something bad happening? You seem to have poisoned everyone
Ianto: Now look here-
Zeynep: I'm not blaming you, just pointing out it's not your lucky day.
Ianto: But- Mr. Salt, could a poison have done that? Turned him into a raging lunatic?
Zeynep: Have you ever read the side effects of sleeping pills?
Ianto: (scoffs)
Zeynep: Just saying. The important point is that you poured the drinks. You're being framed.
Ianto: Listen, what I'm gonna tell you is gonna sound odd.
Zeynep: Says the poisoner on a spaceship.
Ianto: Yeah. The organization I'm working for, we're investigating a conspiracy, a big one. That may sound a little bizarre-
Zeynep: Oh no, we have those here all the time. The minister's niece would like a house building on a public park? She gets a house. Chemical waste kills all the fish in the river? The police are completely unable to find a link to the factory upstream. It's the will of Allah. More or less, we've had conspiracies since the sultans.
Ianto: Oh, good. You're the first person I've told about this who's not narrowed their eyes at me.
Zeynep: You can't see me Mr. Jones, I could be squinting right now.
Ianto: Ephraim Salt, I found out he knew something about The Committee. I came on board so I could find out what he knew.
Zeynep: And did they know that you knew that he knew? Did he know that you knew? Did he know that they knew that you knew that he knew that you knew?
Ianto: And now the mocking. Look, I wanted to get close to Salt to find out what he knew. Oh, god, you've ruined it now!
Zeynep: I get the point Mr. Jones.
Ianto: I heard he was at risk. I needed to protect him.
Zeynep: He gave you something, didn't he?
Ianto: Yeah. Data stick of some kind. I can't play it back here. Still gotta find a way of getting off the ship.
Zeynep: Tricky.
Ianto: Yeah.
Zeynep: I think you may have walked into a flying trap. If Ephraim Salt's first ever space flight crashes, killing everyone on board, no one is going to find out what he had to say.
Ianto: But-
Zeynep: And if the ship lands safely, you're going to be very arrested.
Ianto: Oh.
Zeynep: Oh, goodness me, Mr. Jones. Being a spy is a very complicated business.
Ianto: You're enjoying this aren't you?
Zeynep: Whatever gives you that idea? (chuckles)
Ianto: Listen, there's something I should-
Computer: (beeping) Glide control engaged.
Ianto: Oh.
Zeynep: Is that the autopilot working again?
Ianto: Yyyyes, but I didn't switch it on. And- (switch flipping twice) (sighs) I can't switch it off.
Ianto: We're change course. I don't know what's happening.
(low rumble crescendos as the ship becomes less stable)
Zeynep: Oh, Mr. Jones I don't know how to help you!
Ianto: Right. we've gotta bring it under control. Can you hear me? I need your help now!
(hold music)
Ianto: Oh. HELLO!
Recorded voice: Thank you for holding.
Ianto: HEY! HELLO!
Recorded voice: your call is important to us. One of our agents will be with you shortly to present you with a wealth of insurance possibilities, ensuring that, whatever happens, we've got you covered!
Ianto: This! Is! Ridiculous!
Recorded voice: thank you for holding.
(rumbling gets louder)
(hold music stops)
Zeynep: Sorry, about that. Are you still there?
Ianto: Not going anywhere, help me get this thing under control?
Zeynep: uhhh-
Ianto: uh?
Zeynep: My manager came over. He wanted to have a little chat.
Ianto: (mock pleasantly) Oh that's always good!
Zeynep: uh huh. I've been on this call for a very long time and it's been a very long time since the sale went through.
Ianto: And you can hardly tell him the truth.
Zeynep: Mr. Jones, is there anything more I can help you with?
Ianto: Everything. Sell me everything. My credit's good for it.
Zeynep: But-
Ianto: Just open up the screen, tick all the boxes, and charge me! Twice! I'm gonna get you a bonus!
Zeynep: A very good choice, Mr. Jones.
Ianto: I thought so.
Zeynep: So, to confirm, that's: building insurance, contents insurance, medical insurance, car insurance, conservatory insurance-
Ianto: W- do- the- we- don't have a- Yes! Nevermind! Yup, yup yup, all of that!
Zeynep: And are you happy for me to use the card details we have on file?
(large thud)
Ianto:(screaming) YEEEEES! YEEEES!
Zeynep: That's all gone through Mr. Jones. Congratulations. Please check the policy documents when they turn up in your email. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Ianto: THE SHIP'S GONE INTO NOSEDIVE!
Zeynep: I thought it was gliding?
Ianto: SO DID I!
Zeynep: I've got the files up in front of me. There should be a series of switches underneath glide control.
Ianto: Th- there are, (switches flipping) they don't do anything! (more switches flipping, repeatedly)
Zeynep: I'm not sure you should treat controls on a spaceship like that. Just saying, I mean, you could end up on Mars.
Ianto: That- might be an improvement!
(explosion)
Ianto: (quietly) Oh.
Zeynep: What?
Ianto: Oh, uh two things, we seem to be leveling out and I've managed to get some course data up on the screen.
Zeynep: Really? A course?
Ianto: Yeah. Nothing to do with me. Map of the world! Red line! Me at one end and at the other, zooming in, Oh! Western Turkey!
Zeynep: I'm in western Turkey.
Ianto: Small world.
Zeynep: Should I be worried?
Ianto: It's quite a coincidence. Did you buy any lottery tickets this week?
Zeynep: No?
Ianto: Perhaps you should've.
Zeynep: Do you think there could be some connection?
Ianto: Mmmm no. no. no.
Zeynep: This super google you installed on my pc could that be it?
Ianto: Perhaps you'd better just uninstall that now.
Zeynep: W- how do I do that then?
Ianto: Got an axe?
Zeynep: They don't give those to fire wardens. (typing) I'm looking up any connection between the city of Izmir and your conspiracy. Does it have a name?
Ianto: Erebus.
Zeynep: E for echo, R for Romeo, E for echo, B for Bertie, U for umbrella, S for sugar.
Ianto: Yess.
Zeynep: (computer beeps) No, (sighs) nothing. I'll say one thing about your software, it gets cross when it doesn't find anything.
Ianto: Yes, tetchy.
Zeynep: Funny, trying to think of anything odd. I mean the research firm who leased the top floor haven't been in for a few days. It's almost like they knew something.
Ianto: Right?
Zeynep: Wait. that sounds you levels of crazy. Not that- (Ianto: thanks.) you are crazy.
Ianto: Thanks.
Zeynep: Sorry.
Ianto: Can you think of any other reason why we'd be heading to your neck of the woods?
Zeynep: Well, we have some nice beaches and some good ruins on the coast and oh, yes there's a lovely shop over the road that sells divine baklava.
Ianto: Serious reasons? Military installations? Aerospace engineering firms uh-?
Zeynep: That's unfair, we have lots of military things everywhere. Narrowing them down takes time.
Ianto: What about Istanbul? That's just up from you, isn't it?
Zeynep: Just? Good luck getting there. Traffic's really bad. There's probably already a queue of angry spaceships waiting outside. But I can't think why you'd come here. Smelly old Izmir, factories, quarries, and smog. Oh.
Ianto: what?
Zeynep: No, just enjoy me putting two and two together. Nothing. There's a nice roman theatre maybe you're going there.
Ianto: What are you not telling me?
Zeynep: Honestly, nothing.
Ianto: What?
(pause)
Zeynep: This call center... turns out, it's owned by Ephraim Salt. (pause) (exhale) Saying it out loud. That's a bit of a coincidence.
Ianto: Not really, he owns a lot of things.
Zeynep: Oh, come on, Mr. Jones. It's got to all be connected. That's basic spy stuff. Ephraim salt owns the SkyPuncher, the satellite you destroyed, and a building in the city you're heading towards. You can't ignore that.
Ianto: There's- one other coincidence. You called me.
Zeynep: Oh, blame the computer, I always do. That bit's dull. It's just weird though. I get why someone would try to kill Salt. I even get why they'd destroy his satellite. I just don't get why your ship would be coming here.
Ianto: Don't you?
Zeynep: My mother-in-law would kill me if she heard me say this, but there's really not that much in Izmir.
Ianto: Isn't there?
Zeynep: Oh.
Ianto: Calmly.
Zeynep: Allah, Allah, the building! You're heading for this building! You're going to blow up the building!
Ianto: Quietly.
Zeynep: What?
Ianto: If you could panic quietly please, I don't want you to upset you co-workers.
Zeynep: (angrily) You are kidding!
Ianto: No.
Zeynep: Heavens, Allah!
Ianto: Listen to me. You have children?
Zeynep: Yes!
Ianto: You're out for a walk with them, there's a car crash, what do you do?
Zeynep: I-- I uh- turn them around and walk away talking quietly about something else.
Ianto: Do that now!
Zeynep: Don't tell me how to react! Especially not in that tone of voice! You're flying a bomb at me!
Ianto: Believe me I've done this kind of thing before. I've been in this situation. (pause) Well- look, I need to work a couple of things out and I need your help, okay? Can you give me that?
Zeynep: (shakily) Okay.
Ianto: You're sure?
Zeynep: Absolutely. Just a moment. (chair scrapes on floor)
(pause)
(fire alarm goes off in the background)
Zeynep: (distantly) Fire! Everyone! Fire! (crowd noises) That's right, exit down, everybody out. Listen to me. Fire warden. No, go now! No texts! Fire! Fire! Fire! (chair scraping) (closer again) There.
Ianto: Mm what did you just do?
Zeynep: Got a lot of people to safety.
Ianto: But- they might be...
Zeynep: Suspects? Really?
Ianto: Mmm yeee, forget about it. Just working on a theory.
Zeynep: Listen, how's my tone, am I sounding calm?
Ianto: Yes, actually.
Zeynep: Then pay attention, Mr. Jones. I want you to get in touch with your bosses MI5, the CIA, whatever. This is very serious. I want everyone on this, okay? (buzzing noise) Full spy emergency! Unleash everyone! If a black helicopter isn't hovering overhead in one minute, I'm going to be very disappointed!
Ianto: Ah.
Zeynep: Is there anyone I can call for you Mr. Jones? The Pentagon?
Ianto: Listen, when I said I was a spy.... actually, I really am just.... a butler.
Zeynep: WHAT?
Ianto: I'm not a spy. Not quite, I mean I do work for a secret organization.
Zeynep: Ah?
Ianto: I make the coffee. And do the paperwork. Neatly.
Zeynep: WHAT?
Ianto: I'm telling you the truth.
(pause)
(fire alarm stops)
Zeynep: Enough of that racket. The building's empty now.
Ianto: Listen, you asked if you could call people, and you can. Phone your government. If we're heading for your city, then I need them to shoot this plane down before we get there. okay?
Zeynep: Of course, but-
Ianto: I really don't matter. It's got to be done.
Zeynep: And is there a password I can give them?
Ianto: I don't know! It's not the kind of thing I'd know!
Zeynep: So, if you're not a spy, what are you doing on that ship? Why would they send you up there?
Ianto: They didn't! I'm just one of- the little people. My boss has gone missing. He's on the trail of this conspiracy and the others- well, they were- busy.
Zeynep: Being proper spies?
Ianto: Yes! So, I thought, you know, it's my duty!
Zeynep: You were showing off.
Ianto: NO! Yes! I guess. Look, it was the right thing to do. I worked this out by myself, and I wanted- (pause) no- well- I- (pause) I wanted them to like me!
Zeynep: You wanted to impress them by nearly getting killed? Wow. They must be really lovely people.
Ianto: They are! Th- look, they are. Well, I mean- th- (deep breath) The thing is, the thing- is, I've had a tough time winning their trust back. After what happened to Lisa-
Zeynep: Lisa?
Ianto: My girlfriend, she worked for the same firm. She got horribly wounded in the line of duty.
Zeynep: I'm sorry.
Ianto: I tried to help her, but they- killed her.
Zeynep: (in disbelief) Your friends killed her?
Ianto: Put like that it doesn't sssssound- that- but anyway, they- they did the best they could.
Zeynep: They murdered your girlfriend!
Ianto: Not- not, murdered exactly...I-
Zeynep: Mr. Jones, you're an idiot!
Ianto: (chuckles) They-th-
Zeynep: Listen to me! Family, friends, they're always more important. No company is worth dying for!
Ianto: You don't understand th-
Zeynep: I trusted you. Really, I have. You have a nice voice. I actually really do believe you're in a spaceship hurtling towards me. but 'm not sure I'm going to take anymore advice from you. Not just now.
Ianto: Please!
Zeynep: I'm going up to the top floor.
Ianto: Don't put me on hold!
(clicking noise)
Zeynep: Don't worry, bluetooth headset. Long range. Can nip out to the shops. Not that we do. Not when Ryeth's on duty.
Ianto: Why are you going to the top floor?
Zeynep: Because you're not listening to me. I told you! The space is leased to a research company, been here a month. Kept themselves to themselves, don't know the good restaurants to have lunch in. And, as I said. None of them came into work for the last few days.
Ianto: Yeah, but they could be meeting clients or-
Zeynep: I'm finding out for certain. I gave you a lead and you didn't want to follow it up. When a building's in danger, you always want to look at the people who didn't show up that day!
Ianto: You really are sounding like a conspiracy theorist.
Zeynep: Says you!
(pause)
(door hinge squeaking)
Zeynep: Here I am.
Ianto: This isn't gonna accomplish anything. What are they called?
Zeynep: Harkness Industries.
Ianto: I take that back, you've gotta get in there.
Zeynep: See?
Ianto: I do. Get in there.
(high pitched static)
Zeynep: This door is very locked. (panting) (static) Can't- (static)get a purchase- handle
(static continues in background))
Ianto: Hello? I'm losing you. There's a lot of static.
Zeynep: Funny, (unintelligible) the signal- good. There's a funny, computer inside, really odd.
Ianto: Can you step away from the door?
Zeynep: What's that?
Ianto: Step away from the door!
Zeynep: Right. (static fades) Right. There's something in that room. I cant get in.
Ianto: My turn to suggest a fire extinguisher.
Zeynep: Good call.
(pause)
(static increases)
(Zeynep grunts while hitting the door with the fire extinguisher twice)
Zeynep: (grumbles) That door is not giving. For a glass door, that's really strong. I'm just going to run down the corridor and really charge at it.
(footsteps)
(Zeynep grunts and hits the door again)
Zeynep: Ugh! It won't give! nothing! I've achieved nothing!
Ianto: I wouldn't say that, when you ran back and forth my course changed slightly.
Zeynep: What?
Ianto: This ship, it's not homing in on the building... it's homing in on you.
Ianto: And now I can tell you're running on the spot to try and trick me.
Zeynep: Ugh!
Ianto: The nose cone twitches just a little, that's all, and the flight path adjusts just, very slightly.
Zeynep: Oh, Allah Allah. You're joking. I know you're not, but I can't think of anything else to say.
Ianto: The SkyPuncher has been homing in on your headset ever since we re-entered the atmosphere.
Zeynep: How?
Ianto: You were right. It was a- a trap, carefully planned to bring down Ephraim Salt's empire. sSbotage the spaceship, people will think he's a fool. Blow up his most expensive satellite, he'll be bankrupt. And, if the ships still going, get it to smash into an office building. People will think he's a corrupt sweatshop owner.
Zeynep: But it's actually quite a nice office.
Ianto: But that's not what the papers will say.
Zeynep: What about me?
Ianto: What about you?
Zeynep: Why me? Why did I phone you?
Ianto: The Committee will have prepared things neatly. Hacked into the computer told it to lock onto the plane, find a signal, dial it. (breath intake) I'm afraid, by keeping me alive-
Zeynep: I've brought the thing right here. Where are you?
Ianto: Not far out of the city. See what you mean about the river (chuckles).
Zeynep: What do I do? wWhat do I do?
Ianto: Well-
Zeynep: I hang up. That's what I do. Of course.
Ianto: No. No!
Zeynep: What? Seriously?
Ianto: If the call terminates then the ship will crash onto the city. listen, just take off the headset.
Zeynep: I- I can't!
Ianto: What?
Zeynep: Take off the headset, it switches off.
Ianto: Why would you do that?
Zeynep: Bathroom breaks.
Ianto: (scoffs disbelieving)
Zeynep: Mr. Jones? What do I do?
(pause)
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
(pause)
Ianto: I'm so very sorry, you'll have to keep talking. There's no way out for either of us.
(hold music)
Ianto: Hello? Hello? HELLO? Don't do this please! Don't do this!
Recorded voice: Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. One of our agents will be with you shortly to present you with a wealth of insurance possibilities, ensuring that, whatever happens, we've got you covered!
Ianto: Please! There's not much time left! (Recorded voice: Thank you for holding.) There really isn't and- I'm scared! I don't wanna be alone.
(hold music stops)
Zeynep: you're asking me to die.
Ianto: Again, I am so sorry. I wish it was just me. Well, I don't.
Zeynep: No. I don't want to die either. (pause) Sorry, talking with my mouth full (sighs) figured there was no point in waiting for my lunch)
Ianto: You go right ahead.
Zeynep: Spiced kofta wrap. My husband made them.
Ianto: Sounds delicious
Zeynep: Too spicy actually, you know what men are like
Ianto: Yup.
(pause)
Zeynep:(crying) I can't believe this is happening. You sure this isn't a hoax?
Ianto: Wish it was.
Zeynep: I don't even live in the city.
Ianto: Sorry
Zeynep: I don't like it much. (sniffs) You're asking me to die for a load of people I don't even know.
Ianto: It's the right thing.
Zeynep: It's my duty. Look where that's got you.
Ianto: (resigned) Yeah.
Zeynep: You're an idiot.
Ianto: So you keep saying.
Zeynep: I could hang up now. Go stand at the bus stop, wave up at you as you smack into the city center.
Ianto: But you're not going to. I know you're not going to.
Zeynep: You don't know anything about me. What's my name?
Ianto: Sorry?
Zeynep: (angrily) What's my name?
Ianto: You- didn't tell me.
Zeynep: I did. You're asking me to die and you don't even know my name!
Ianto: Sorry, I-
Zeynep: ZEYNEP!
Ianto: Pleased to meet you, it's a very pretty name.
Zeynep: (crying again) Not really, now you just being nice. (sniffs) (pause) What's the view like?
Ianto: Flying over the city? There's lots of it.
Zeynep: The mayor would be delighted if you could smack into one of the old bits. Lots of people are dying to turn them into office blocks. (pause) I- shouldn't have said die.
Ianto: No.
Zeynep: I can't even hang up to call my family. My Family! Why did it have to be me? Why not Rachel? She's got no one! And she's a miserable cow and- (sighs) (chewing) Forget it.
Ianto: Zeynep?
Zeynep: Mr. Jones?
Ianto: I am so sorry about this
Zeynep: Stop apologizing, I'm not going to forgive you. It's not your fault.
Ianto: No, (inhale) we're just the little people. (sighs)
Zeynep: Yeah. We never get to make the decisions. You just get backed up against the wall and told to do the right thing. And oddly enough? That's never what we want.
Ianto: Yeah (chuckles)
Zeynep: Still, sat in the boss's chair, dripping chili oil onto his desk looking out at the view. I can see a small dot in the sky, that's you, isn't it?
Ianto: Probably, um, listen-
Zeynep: That's all I will do. Just you and me talking 'til the end. I don't want you to be alone. (dissolving into tears again) I can't think of anything worse than being on a plane about to crash, seeing the ground get closer and closer and there being no way out.
Ianto: Zeynep. (shifting)
Zeynep: yes?
Ianto: listen, I've- (pause) found a parachute and- (pause) the pilot has an ejector seat.
(pause)
Ianto: D'you hear what I said?
Zeynep: Yes. (pause) So that's how it is. (small clatter as Zeynep sets the tupperware aside) I'm not hungry anymore.
Ianto: Zeynep, I'm sorry.
Zeynep: Don't be. One of us has a way out. Look at you. You got to do your duty. Escaping with the vital data stick. So heroic! Those lovely people you work with may even buy you a beer. And me? I'm only the little person after all. I don't even get to say goodbye to my family. Off you go Zeynep! Sacrifice yourself! Inshallah! That's what we say, when we cross the road. We don't look left or right, we just step out into traffic and trust to the will of Allah.
Ianto: I don't know what else to say-
Zeynep: It's not good enough! What am I dying for? SO that some people I've never heard of can make more money?
Ianto: Look, give me their names. The names of your children, your husband, I'll talk to them!
Zeynep: (angrily) NO! I'm not letting you anywhere near them.
(pause)
Ianto: We're over the river. (pause) Looks quite pretty from up here.
Zeynep: Wouldn't get any closer to it if I were you. (sniffs) You've not far to go.
Ianto: Is there a bigger body of water coming up? We could try and land in it or something?
Zeynep: Nope! Concrete and people and then little me. We're just outside town. Wait 'til you pass a really scrappy park and then eject. Otherwise you'll smack into a tower block. Would be a bit ironic.
Ianto: Thanks.
Zeynep: (deep breath) I can see you on the horizon. What big teeth you have.
Ianto: Not long now. look, I just wanna say-
Zeynep: Is there anything else I can help you with Mr. Jones?
Ianto: uh-
Zeynep: Inshallah!
(hold music)
(low rumbling slowly gets louder as the ship gets closer to crashing)
(atmospheric music starts in the background)
Ianto: This is what Torchwood does isn't it Jack? Ruins everyone. Everyone it touches. I don't care. (inhale) not anymore. Zeynep was right. (inhale) Here it comes. Here it comes. Zeynep, I'm sorry. (ejects)
(screaming)
Recorded voice: have you considered the benefits of changing your contents insurance provider? Let us give you a truly memorable-
Ianto: NO NO NO NOOOOOO!
(parachute deploys)
(Ianto gasping)
Zeynep: Thank you for holding.
Ianto: ZEYNEP!
Zeynep: Whatever happens we've got it covered Mr. Jones.
Ianto: W- wha- what are you doing?
Zeynep: Running away! Goodbye!
Ianto: NOO!!!!
(call disconnects)
(ship crashes in the distance)
(atmospheric music fades out)
(wind blowing)
(phone rings)
Ianto: Really? (phone beeps as he picks up)
Zeynep: Hello?
Ianto: Wha-?
Zeynep: Am I speaking to Mr. Jones?
Ianto: YES! YES! YOU'RE ALIVE!
Zeynep: I ran out into the quarry behind the office, got as far away as I could, then threw my headset away into a sandbank. The spaceship? Well, it's fine. It won't fly again, but there may even be survivors.
Ianto: You got out! You saved them!
Zeynep: So did you! Haven't the little people done well.
Ianto: YES!
Zeynep: I can see you up there. I've always fancied trying a parachute jump!
Ianto: I HAVEN'T!
Zeynep: Tough day. Is there anything else I can help you with Mr. Jones!
Ianto: Thank you! Everything's covered!
Zeynep: Then I'll wish you a happy landing!
Ianto: But- uh- aren't you gonna (pause) I mean don't you wanna meet up?
Zeynep: (laughing)
Ianto: I wanna thank you!
Zeynep: (still laughing) you've got my number. Inshallah Mr. Jones! (call disconnects)
Scott: Hello! My name is Scott Handcock, I am the director of Torchwood: The Conspiracy, the first of Big Finish's brand new series of audio dramas! um, I'd like to begin today by welcoming the UK cast for this production, Mr. John Sessions
John S: Hello, hello, how are you, Scott?
Scott: I'm very well, very well. We also have Ms. Sarah Ovens!
Sarah: Hello Scott!
Scott: and Mr. Dan Bottomley.
Dan: Hello Scott.
Scott: So, um, open question to you all to begin with. How have you found the recording so far?
John S: It’s all gone marvelously, I think.
Sarah: Yeah!
John S: Um we haven't stopped very much for anecdotes; we've been working hard and it’s all been coming together.
Sarah: Yeah, it’s nice to do, I mean, I think the writing is really great and the relationships are really apparent and uh yeah. Quite a pleasure to be kind of just stood still talking to each other. (John S laughs)
Scott: yes David Llewellyn's written a very tightly paced a very concise script that has a really good rhythm and pace to it (Sarah: yeah) (Dan: its lovely) I think it really gets the Torchwood vibe. We- were you big Torchwood fans before? Were you aware of the series before coming in for this?
Dan: Yeah, I’d-I watched it when it originally came out and I thought it was brilliant. I thought it was really good. I- I wasn’t a massive doctor who person at the time, but it appealed to me. (Sarah: its changed you.) A kind spin off and uh, I's thought the character of Jack Harkness was brilliant. and um, yeah, when I watched it, I thought it was great.
Sarah: I was aware of it cuz I went to drama school in Cardiff and um and that’s where it’s based. isn't it?
Scott: Yes. They, um they've been filming it.
Sarah: Yeah, I think they were. So, I was aware of it but I hadn't watched that much of it. um.
John S: I have tired to boringly say, being a very very old actor, That I-I've not watched any of Torchwood because I tend to listen to the television without pictures called the wireless.
(everyone laughs)
Scott: is science fiction a genre that generally appeals to you John?
John S: um it is n- it’s a bit of a blind spot with me if I'm absolutely honest. But um this I like and as Sarah was saying that the um the uh the dialogue's terrific, it really cracks along and uh it’s great to play some uh a character like George Wilson who's this [mon que?] sort of Martin Sixsmith figure. You know, who um, has broken away from the conventional media. And he's terrifically on top of the whole conspiracy theory culture which is very very tempting and very very addictive. And um, you know whether there’s any truth behind these stories is very hard to tell but um, as a piece of writ- um audio, drama, it’s very compelling.
Scott: And do you think science fiction works well on audio because you have the visuals removed (Sarah: absolutely! and is left-) and you can play with the paranoia of it more?
Sarah: yeah! and left to the listener's imagination which can be a scary and dark place!
(everyone chuckles)
John S: What I think is sad is that as a performer, people can’t see how incredibly youthful and attractive I am. (Sarah laughs)
Scott: You are gorgeous! I- eh we've had to put special curtains up to-
John S: John Barrowman's rather worried apparently, that he's uh, he was sent a picture of me and wa- was- he's really twitchy that he's gonna lose the part to me. (Sarah laughing)
Dan: He can't compete.
Scott: No. (chuckles) And going back to the characters you talking about George being an- a- a big conspiracy theorist and how- his angle and his take in the whole world of Torchwood. Uh Sarah and Dan, what, what do you think your characters, Kate and Sam, bring to The Conspiracy and the world of Torchwood as we know it?
Sarah: I am firstly, chuffed to be playing a baddie, uh and I love the kind of up-beat facade that Kate has throughout the whole thing and then that kind of twists at the end where you realize she's not all she's cracked up to be.
Scott: Amazeballs.
Sarah: Amazeballs, yeah. She learned that word, I think that's convincing. Um yeah, I think uh- I think she's a perfect kind of yeah beard, for the for the conspiracy theory.
Dan: Yeah, well, I uh I really- I really like Sam. he's- he's a, with him being a vlogger he’s a real kind of product of his own society and where we are now. And all that, all the k- kind of conspiracy things I've been watching before doing this really kind of blew my mind. Often not in a, a great way. there's-
Scott: would you like to share any of those conspiracies with us (Dan: Oh, there's some-) whilst you have an open forum?
Dan: There's some marvelous things out there. what I was talking to people about the- the flat earth conspiracy, which eh, was my favorite that I found. Which is people who think that the earth is an even level plane in the center of the universe which is eh- obviously, completely plausible! (Scott and Sarah chuckle) i- its- it its great because, on this particular video, the person who posted it was commenting on everyone’s comments underneath and these people are so- it’s the enthusiasm that was really great to play with Sam and just how, like th- eh- th- its- there’s no kind of two ways about it. That’s it. That is the way these people think.
Scott: And of course, everyone in this story is right about their own beliefs (Dan: Of course!) (Sarah: mm yeah) as well that's the thing.
Dan: Yeah, it’s kind of fun to flesh out that kind of um, that character. uh really enjoyable.
Scott: And of course, Dan and John you both sadly perish (Dan: Indeed) during the course of this um.
Dan: And I don't seem to survive through many Big Finish adventure to be honest.
Scott: But Sarah!
Sarah: Yeah.
Scott: Y- you survive!
Sarah: I know.
Scott: And the conspiracy survives with you!
Sarah: Absolutely!
Scott: They persist, do you reckon they'll be back to fight another day? Where do you see this heading?
Sarah: Ohhhhh, I see uh a- another spin off series to be honest. with Kate leading it.
Scott: Quite right too.
Dan: Yeah.
Scott: um, on which note, we shall hand over to our colleague Mr. Barrowman in the US, but for now I'd like to thank Mr. John Sessions, Sarah Ovens, and Dan Bottomley for speaking with us. Thank you for a brilliant day!
Sarah: Thank You!
John S: Thank you.
Dan: Thank you so much.
Scott: And now we shall pass the baton over to Captain Jack himself. Hello John!
John B: Hello! How are you?
Scott: I’m very well, how are you?
John B: I’m very good, thank you.
Scott: Um what’s it like being back as Captain Jack Harkness?
John B: well I've always said this, and uh I-I- I say, well, I've said it to many people over the course of time, uh getting back with Captain Jack is like putting on an old pair of shoes or a very comfortable coat which, ironically, I am sitting here with the coat on at the moment. (both laugh) (Scott: that image) Just to help me feel- feel the part yeah. But um no, its li- Captain Jack is such a- a core part of me as- as John Barrowman because uh I- I absolutely adore him I- ya know I-I- I could go on and on but it’s great to be back playing him! It is so easy and so comfortable, and I just absolutely love him!
Scott: and an- a bit like Captain Jack, Torchwood is immortal! What- what um, did you ever think when you were filming back in Cardiff Bay almost a decade ago that uh, you’d be playing the part ten years on in Palm springs? in 80-degree heat?
John B: Correct. I mean for uh I-I'm obviously I'm in Palm Springs doing all the recordings as everybody else is in the UK and we're doing it kind of over—which is very Torchwood—we’re doing it over the kind of wire across oceans and continents. But its uh, ya know what, I would be lie- I- I uh- I'm gonna- I'm gonna just be honest here. I kn- I knew he was gonna be a part of my life for a very very long time, because I as a little boy who was a very big Doctor Who fan, uh when I was- uh when I got the role of Captain Jack and then also was given uh the tv show Torchwood, um I knew that I was gonna be part of what I call The Whovian World, which uh you're a part of for the rest of your life (Scott: mm) So, whether it was something uh- uh and I know the fans, I know the fans are passionate about it. I just knew they had to keep bringing him back and lo-and- behold, they have. And it’s- it’s great, it’s great to see that they’re finally getting, uh particularly at Big Finish they’re- they’re finally getting that there is an audience out there that is, ya know, hungry for more Torchwood. and I’m so gr- so glad and very grateful to you guys for doing this.
Scott: This isn’t, of course, the first time Torchwood has ventured into the audio world. There were the radio 4 dramas a few years back. (John B: correct there are.) But um how d- how do the mediums differ?
John B: What you have to remember is things have to be more, uh this is gonna sound bizarre i-i-i- things have to be a little more heightened. Because you’re not visual. You have to get it across uh w- eh with your voice or with your- you know like if I was trying- eh- if I was showing that I was a little disturbed or upset with you I might eh- on television just do a look to you but when I’m talking to you on a recording I would do a (exaggerated sigh). And so that’s the- it’s those little nuances that you have to get used to. And what’s really lovely is the team that is involved are able to help you and- and say things like you know uh-um you know do a- a little sigh here and a little sigh there. Particularly Scott, our director (both laugh) (Scott: well the joy-) which funny I'm-(breaks off laughing)
Scott: -of you weirdly being in different continents and uh you know on separate microphones is you have the freedom to react and uh people’s lines which you may not do if you’re all in the same scene round a single microphone and you need to you know get the scissors in so um
John B: Well, I- I think y- that- th-the fact that we're separated because once w- uh you know let's hope this is- this goes phenomenally well and there’s gonna be more down the line. Because I guarantee you, its gonna take twice as long. Because we are crazy, and we love to have a laugh, but we like to get the work done. But that’s what is so wonderful about Torchwood; the people who are involved uh th- the people who played the other characters, you know like um- we- like Ianto and Gwen and uh you know we had um uh Tosh and Owen. All of us, we were a family! And we uh still, when we see each other these days, and if we're at a convention or we're doing something that is related to- still to Torchwood uh we- we come together as a family again and its- its glorious! It’s absolutely glorious! so I hope there’s more to come!
Scott: Absolutely and uh you know it’s no secret that you’re a big fan of Torchwood, you really love it. What do you think is uh the appeal of the series?
John B: I think the appeal of the series uh to the fans and also to me is that we were one of the first shows to represent actually, uh kind of real people with real emotions. And I say that proudly because, Captain Jack was- uh we- we call him omnisexual, but a lot of people have taken- taken that into different realms by saying you know, asexual, bisexual, or he’s gay, dadadadada. Captain Jack is a- is a- is a being who enjoys the company of others and that’s the way I look at it. BUT we opened the doors for so many other people to start talking about so many different things because I’m very proud as an actor to partly be one of the first openly uh gay, uh I mean I know there’s other openly gay actors out there, but, openly gay actors, playing a HERO. (Scott: Hmm.) Who, which is- which is probably one of the first. Because it was in uh-uh-uh Christopher Eccleston, the ninth doctor, uh in the- the first uh time we saw Captain Jack, Empty Child, and the first line that Jack was out of his mouth where you thought "uh-oh this is a different kinda guy" he says to another man in the room, "nice bottom" (chuckles)
Scott: Indeed, and the first male companion to kiss doctor who! So,
John B: Ab- absolutely! But again those are all things. We were groundbreaking. We really didn’t—and I think this is another point—we never ever treated our audience as being dumb. We never dumbed things down. We kept it smart we kept it uh- you know moving fast and we kept it uh- kept it going and the audience appreciated that.
Scott: And we- uh we were talking earlier about how a whole new generation are finding Torchwood now. Those who grew up with Doctor Who uh are now at an age where they can enjoy Torchwood! So, there’s a- a new influx of people discovering the series for the first time!
John B: Yeah, it’s really interesting for me because I- you know I like- well, I'm just gonna toot my own horn here. I’ve been keeping the Torchwood brand alive for quite a long time by going to different conventions. And although I'm now involved in the DC world, uh the Torchwood world led me to the DC world in a way because we- it wa- it was, in fact, because our producers Andrew Kreisberg and Greg Berlanti and Marc Guggenheim were huge fans of Torchwood and they called me up in my home in Palm Springs, offered me the job and I- the same passion they had, I sat and spoke with Phil Collinson and uh Russell T about it and I just said I have to do it. But the the- uh what- what is interesting, I've watched over the last five or so years, five or six years, kids who are getting introduced to the- to Doctor Who are learning about our characters Captain Jack, you know uh, Martha, um you know all the d- all the different you kn- uh Rose all the- all the characters that they’re getting introduced to so they’re- they’re wanting to know more about them which is bringing, the audience then goes back. And they’ve said this to me, they said, we'd saw you on Doctor Who and now we're going back and watching Torchwood because we're now old enough and also, we just were introduced to this through Doctor Who bu- it’s- it’s a cycle of, it’s just never-ending it’s amazing!
Scott: Mm. And you talk about keeping the Torchwood flame alive and you know you’ve been more actively involved than most leading men would be. You even wrote a Torchwood novel with your sister (John B: I did.) about Captain Jack. How was the experience of that?
John B: Uh Exodus Code is the- the novel that we wrote and it- it was amazing because again, for me to uh structure everything with uh my sister Carol and to tell her the stories and to really become, well, to be Jack again, and to put it on a page it was a very interesting process for me but a great process. Great to keep the spirit of jack alive and to keep the character alive! Uh its fans again, they love the novel and also with the comic book that my sister and I wrote, the Torchwood comic book uh which was for Titan Comics, and it was about the selkie. That- uh- that you can’t find! That’s going for hundreds of pounds an dollars on the internet because it was so popular. So, I like to think that I know captain Jack very well and of course there has to be the approval of all the other people who are on board, but I am very much wanting to keep him alive and to keep the legacy and to keep the- the kind of story, and the world of captain Jack and Torchwood alive.
Scott: Indeed. And uh I-I have to ask you mention uh you writing comic books and- and a novel um would you ever be tempted to write an audio adventure for Captain Jack and flesh out the character a bit more?
John B: Well, let’s say it right here on uh with, with you guys all listening. Uh of course! If you speak with my sister and I we will absolutely love, we would love to write something uh for Captain Jack and an adventure, and uh you know even for the team. So, yes! absolutely! No questions Asked!
Scott: Fantastic. And finally, to wrap up this uh this lovely interview to a- a lovely day. What do you think Big Finish fans and Torchwood fans uh generally have to look forward to in future?
John B: I am looking forward to doing a lot more of these. and I know that a lot of the fans ask me all the time “bring Torchwood back” and they say it to me like I am the sole person who can do it (Scott chuckles) you know, but you know what? It’s a team effort and we’re bringing it back and uh showing the support for this and for the- the things that Big Finish are doing with Torchwood, this will mean that there is gonna be more. I want to do more. and I know if I’m saying w- in ONE word, what can fans expect? Torchwood.
Scott: Mr. John Barrowman, Thank you very much for a lovely day.
John B: You’re very welcome, thank you.
Scott: Uh listeners, thank you for listening well be back with you very soon! Take care, buh-bye!
Jack: The 21st century is when everything changes. and you've got to be ready
(theme ends)
(crowd of people talking amongst themselves)
George: People often ask me, they say George how come you know all this? Who gave you this information? And do you know what I tell them? I say the information is there! It is right there! You only have to open your eyes! You see people think their eyes are open to the world around them but they’re not. The world we see is the world they want us to see (audio shifts and is now heard through a speaker) and it is a fiction! (applause) No more real than a fairytale! or a dream! (applause continues)
Jack(narrating): (chuckles) (a mouse clicks and the audio through the speaker stops) Conspiracy nuts. Don’t you just love ‘em? Of course, being a conspiracy theorist is like any other line of work you have you enthusiastic amateurs: blogging and vlogging away in the small hours, and then there are the professionals, the superstars! George Wilson was one of the pros but let’s rewind the clock a little. Let’s go back to a time when George made a living by reading the evening news.
(a news theme plays through a speaker)
George: Good evening. America has declared that the air war against Iraq will continue for quite some time. Speaking at the white house earlier today, the US president told reporters (pause) I'm sorry I can’t read this, "this is all bull-bleep-it" (growing agitated) Look, I’m saying this as if the man has any say in the matter. Does anyone really think it’s the president or the prime minister who’s running the show? Of course not! It’s the oil companies and the multi-nationals! The politicians of this world are just marionettes! And we’re sending young men over to foreign countries where they fight and die to preserve business interests! and it’s insane and I can’t (pause) I can’t carry on being a spokesperson for this (mic feedback) (chair scraping on floor) fu-bleep- this I’m done.
Jack (narrating): It didn’t take long for him to resurface.
George: The world we see is the world they want us to see and it is a fiction! (applause) It’s no more real than a fairytale! or a dream! (applause dies out) The committee. That’s what they like to call themselves. The committee are experts at going incognito. Undercover. They look just like you or me. They are not little green men and they didn't come here in flying saucers. Make no mistake about it, they are here, and they control everything. where did they come from you ask? They come from the planet Erebus!
(mouse click)
Jack (narrating): woah woah woah, yeah. Let’s stop right there. You see sometimes even the craziest people in the world won’t just say something interesting, they'll tell the truth.
(Torchwood theme plays in full)
(audio is heard through a speaker again)
Interviewer: now George you’ve made a number of statements recently in the press and elsewhere (audio changes to be heard "live") that have caused quite a few people, myself included, to worry about you.
George: worry? Why are you worried about me?
Interviewer: w- um, much of what you’ve said has been a little, shall we say eccentric.
George: Listen if people can’t handle the truth of what is around us that’s their problem not mine. No one should worry about me, its themselves they should worry about and the world. We are choking this planet with pollution and committing violence upon one another and the planet is unhappy. You see, the powers that be want us to think they’re all separate self-serving entities and that’s where most of the world’s problems stem from. If people saw the truth, they would realize that we're all one we’re all interconnected
Interviewer: and this relates to your belief in reincarnation?
George: Reincarnation is a part of it, yes. You see, it was only through meditation that I realized, this is not the first life cycle that I have enjoyed. This person, this George Wilson, that you see before you is simply the latest manifestation of a single branch of the united human consciousness.
(variation on the Torchwood theme plays lowly in the background)
Jack (narrating): I’d been onto him for some time. We keep an eye on most of these characters. So, when they announced that George Wilson’s road show was coming to Cardiff I decided to act. Of course, if Wilson knew Torchwood was in the house he’d have security show me the door and it really isn’t good to cause a scene so early on. That’s where Plexus magazine came in handy. You may have heard of it. A million subscriber worldwide. the usual mix of conspiracies, cryptozoology and unsolved mysteries. Mayan calendars, the chupacabra, whatever happened to Jimmy Hoffa (chuckle), you get the idea. Established in Patchogue, New York, 1975—The golden age of paranoia—and funded entirely by an anonymous benefactor. Ie, Torchwood. soon enough I was the proud owner of a press pass and a complimentary ticket to the George Wilson experience. Of course, the only problem in a situation like that, you can’t pick the person you’re sitting next to.
(theme variation ends)
Sam: Do I... Do I know you?
Jack: I’m sorry?
Sam: You are really familiar. Are you on tv?
Jack: (chuckling) uh, no.
Sam: aw, I could swear I know you from somewhere. oh, I’m Sam by the way. Sam Hallett. I write a blog, “Eye of Providence”. You may have heard of it. I've got a youtube channel!
Jack: sorry, can't say I have.
Jack (narrating): I was lying. Like I say, we keep tabs on these people.
Sam: oh, uh. I see. um what is it you do?
Jack: I work for plexus magazine
Sam: Wow! R-really! Oh, you must know my mate! uh Zach, he makes videos for- (mic feedback) oo
Jack: (whispering) I think it’s starting.
Sam: (whispering) oh, right. (more mic feedback) yeah.
Jack: shhh.
Kate: ladies and gentlemen, prepare to open your eyes and expand your minds in the presence of the one, the only, George Wilson!
(applause)
Jack (narrating): He sold the place out. Three nights in a row. Seven thousand seats and not one of them empty.
George: Thank you, Cardiff! Diolch yn fawr! Thank you. Wow! It really is great to be here. (applause dies out) You know outside this room there are some very cynical people. You've no doubt met them. they're your friends, your colleagues, members of your family and they'll tell you you're crazy for coming here today. They'll say, “why do you want to listen to George Wilson? That man’s a crackpot. He’s a loony.” It took a lot of guts for you to come here. For you to stand up and be counted and say I will no longer follow the herd. I will no longer be a compliant drone to the committee. So, give yourselves a round of applause.
(applause)
George: because that's what those other people are. (applause dies out). They are drones. You see, there are three types of person on this planet. Right at the top running everything there's the committee. Then, there are the enablers. The people who know what the committee is up to but help them achieve their goals out of personal greed. And then, there are the drones. The ones who are clueless and blind. Now, if this is your first time hearing me speak and you haven't read any of my books perhaps you're wondering, “what exactly is the committee?” Well, to put it simply, they're the puppet masters. They're the ones running the show. They've been here throughout human history. Every war, every famine, every genocide, they have orchestrated. They look like you or me. In fact, every time you turn on the TV or open a newspaper they are staring you in the face but they are most definitely not human.
(a few seconds of silence)
(cheering and yelling from a distance)
George: hey, hey, one at a time. one at a time! yes? who should I make this out to? is that with or without an e? without. to (unitelligible) there you go.
Jack: Hi, Kate? Kate Wilson.
Kate: Yes?
Jack: I'm Jack Harkness. plexus magazine I emailed you about thepress pass.
Kate: Oh, Hi! Yes! Of course, Jack, Hi!
Jack: I was wondering if maybe I could interview your father?
Kate: wha- today?
Jack: welllll, yeah.
Kate: oh, gosh um he’s a bit busy right now and we've got an American telly thing this evening. Did I say you could have an interview?
Jack: We didn't confirm anything.
Kate: oh, right. Okay. right. well (breath intake)
Jack (narrating): I gave her my best puppy dog eyes.
Kate: Listen, we’ll sort something out. I mean Plexus Magazine right? I'm sure we can squeeze you in.
Jack: If you could that would be great I just- My editor said it would help the feature I'm writing. And I flew over here from the states. I just thought-
Kate: you flew over from America just to hear dad speak?
Jack: I did.
Kate: Well, in that case. Listen, here's my card, call me in the morning and we'll arrange something then. is that cool?
Jack: perfect. Thank you.
(footsteps walking away)
Jack (narrating): I was on my way back to the car when I realized I was being followed. Not by one of Wilson's entourage, but by the kid, who'd sat next to me during the show, Sam. Probably thought he was being subtle but I knew he was there. The moment he’d started talking to me I’d seen it in his eyes the recognition. But how could he know me? And why was he following me? I was seconds away from going over there and asking him when-
(phone beeps)
Jack: Gwen? Weevils? How many? And that’s just the lingerie department? Okay I'll be right there.
Jack (narrating): The kid, whoever he was, would have to wait.
(Torchwood theme snippet)
Jack(narrating): The next day I paid a visit to George Wilson at his hotel. His daughter met me in the lobby and showed me to their suite.
Kate: Soo, Mr. Harkness.
Jack: Jack. Please.
Kate: Right, yes, Jack. How long have you been writing for plexus?
Jack: Only a few months. This is my first big feature for them
Kate: Great! you Americans love this sort of thing don’t you? Dad and I were there a year or so back for a college lecture tour. And the kids he spoke to just lapped it up. How about you? Do you believe in all that stuff?
Jack: you say that as if you don’t?
Kate: Well, look, he’s my dad and I love him but, seriously? Some of the stuff he says! Please don’t quote me on that by the way.
Jack (narrating): I didn’t need to. She was already a youtube star herself.
(mouse click)
(audio is now through a speaker again)
Kate: Well, this is all bollocks space aliens and- I mean who believes that shit?
(mouse click)
(audio returns to normal)
Jack: (laughs) I won’t say a word. I promise.
Kate: Thanks. but yeah, over in the states the students loved him. I mean, of course partly that’s to do with the English accent, I think. Now, you can ask him pretty much anything. Anything at all. The only two subjects I like people to avoid: his drinking and his and mum's divorce. Dad’s a recovering alcoholic. Every day is a challenge. Especially when we’re on tour. Reminding him of the fact just makes that journey so much harder.
Jack: I understand.
Kate: and, as for mum- well if you get him talking about her, you'll never hear the end of it. This is us!
(door unlocking and opening)
Kate: Dad?
George: Oh, hi love!
Kate: I'd like you to meet Jack Harkness the guy I was telling you about? he writes for Plexus Magazine.
George: Marvelous. (grunts while getting up) Hello! Mr. Harkness, pleasure to meet you!
Jack: Likewise.
George: Come on in and sit yourself down. Drink?
Jack: oh uh, oh I'm- I'm fine, thank you.
George: sensible man. The coffee tastes instant and the tea tastes like piss.
Kate: Dad, I said I'd give Jerry a ring about Hayden White so I'll just leave the two of you to get started yeah?
George: Of course. You still going back this evening?
Kate: possibly, I’ll find out.
George: Oh, and tell him I haven't forgotten about our game of squash on Tuesday!
Kate: Will do!
(door closes)
George: So, plexus magazine you say?
Jack: That's right.
George: interesting. I’ve read a few issues over the years. Some fascinating stuff in there, but you don't half print a load of rubbish sometimes. All that stuff about chemtrails. Pull the other one. (breath intake) But, generally, I must say, I'm impressed.
Jack: Thanks!
George: No seriously, If I wasn't you wouldn't be here. We get all sorts asking for interviews.
Jack: (chuckles) I can imagine.
George: Had that fellow from the BBC, what was his name? The one with the glasses. Wanting to do an hour long feature on me a few years back. I told him where he could stick his hour long feature. I’ve seen a few of the ones he’s done before and they're all hatchet jobs made to make the subjects look like idiots. I told him—well I told his producer—but I said, if you think I’m willing to look like a complete prat on national television you've got another thing coming! Christ, if wanted to do that I’d go on “I’m A Celebrity” at least then you get a holiday in Australia to show for it. And I’ve heard the money's no too bad. I'm sorry am I racing ahead here?
Jack: No no no, not at all. I just have to make sure this thing is working. Okay, testing, testing. That’s fine.
Jack (narrating): He thought it was a dictaphone but I was actually scanning the room for evidence of extraterrestrial life. hm. It was clean.
George: Great. Well, fire away.
Jack: Okay! Well, maybe we could start by talking about the committee?
George: Blimey, you don't beat around the bush.
Jack: I thought we could dispense with the small talk.
George: hmm. I like it. Direct. No faffing about.
Jack: How did you learn their name?
George: It was um, told to me in the strictest confidence by one of the contacts. An enabler, in the CIA. That’s The Central intelligence-
Jack: I know what it stands for. and this CIA contact of yours, do they have a name?
George: If I was to tell you their name it wouldn’t be in the strictest confidence, now would it? Besides, I have friends and acquaintances from more than one intelligence agency. And several of them are aware of the committee and what they're doing here.
(variation on the Torchwood theme plays)
Sam (voice lowered and edited to add a heavy echo): the eye of providence
Sam (over a speaker): okay, so, earlier on I went to see George Wilson, yeah? Now, I don't know how much you guys know about him, but he is the dude. He’s like the high priest of truth telling. That man has got his finger on the pulse as far I'm concerned. And, well, it was a great honor, seeing him in the flesh. but while I’m sitting there, right, I’ve got this guy next to me. and I’m thinking I know this guy. Real deja vu type stuff, yeah?
Jack: In your book The Great Conspiracy you said the committee's been interfering with human affairs for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years.
George: That is true, yes.
Jack: Well, why are they called The Committee? Why not buh- shh- I don't know the- The Erebusians?
George: Well, I didn't pick the name Mr. Harkness, it’s just what they’re called. Obviously, they have their own language but the name they call themselves translates into english as just that. the committee.
Jack: Sounds bureaucratic.
George: Oh, and they are. Business-like. Ruthless. It’s what Hannah Arendt said of Eichman “the banality of evil.” Though of course the nazis themselves were just stooges of the committee. As were the allied forces. The whole war, was a fabrication.
Jack: (scoffs) A fabrication? uh, I'm sorry?
George: Oh, don’t get me wrong. The war happened, people died. But the narrative of the war, the causes of the war were a work of fiction. Another phase in the committee's long term project to wipe out mankind.
Jack: Right. But that didn't happen.
George: What do you mean?
Jack: The world’s population has doubled in the last 50 years alone. if their aim was to- to wipe us out? They've done a pretty bad job of it.
George: And perhaps allowing the population to reach such ridiculous proportions was all part of the plan. Besides, the technology to obliterate every last soul on the planet didn't exist before 1945. The war, as I've said, was phase one. And by the end of it? We had the atomic bomb.
Sam (over a speaker): So, when the whole things finished I follow this guy out of the arena, right. And I manage to get a few pics of him. Oh, if any of you follow me on instagram, you can see him there. Oh, I used Valencia because that filter is sick! But anyway this is the guy I’m talking about. So, if any of you, especially anyone in Cardiff like buzzsaw59 orrrrrr pikachuthebarbarian, if you guys recognize him, message me yeah?
Jack: So, if that was phase one, where would you say we are now?
George: I believe we’re at the beginning of phase two. Terrorism, economic collapse, overpopulation, food shortages, global pandemics. It makes for a heady cocktail, I think you’ll agree.
Jack: and phase three?
George: After all that I don’t there'd be any need for a third phase, do you?
Jack: Okay. If we could just go back to your time as a journalist?
George: If we must.
Jack: You found yourself in some crazy situations. Saw some pretty terrible things, traumatic things. It would be perfectly understandable if someone suffered psychologically after witnessing some of the things you’ve seen.
George: where is this um, heading, Mr. Harkness?
Jack: weh- I suppose I’m trying to establish your frame of mind around the time you quit journalism, began talking about conspiracies. (door opens) The Committee.(door closes)
Kate: hello again. we've got a green light on Hayden which is amazeballs by the way, and Jerry says hi. I said I'd drive down there tonight sort some things out with him, hash ou the contracts, then come back first thing tomorrow before we leave for manchester. which also means I can pick up the suits from the dry cleaners. How are you two getting along?
George: fine! Mr. Harkness here was just asking about my time as a journalist.
Kate: was he? Bit awkward. I thought we said you'd avoid all that stuff?
Jack: We agreed his marriage to your mother and his drinking were off limits. You didn't mention anything about his career.
Kate: well, it is. That was a difficult time for him. wasn't it dad?
George: No, let’s talk about it. Let’s have it out. I have nothing to hide. Yes, Mr. Harkness, the things I saw were upsetting, yes I drank, yes it destroyed my marriage. But let me just say this. Like many recovering addicts will tell you, coming out of an experience like that brings your world into a much sharper focus. You see things as they really are. It’s what William Burroughs meant when he called his book The Naked Lunch. The moment when everyone sees what is on the end of their fork.
Jack: And what did you see?
George: I saw shadows. moving behind the set dressing of the world.
Jack (narrating): I was no closer to understanding George Wilson, but he wasn't crazy. A little deluded perhaps, but not quite crazy. (chuckle) Wish I could say the same for Sam.
Sam: (from a distance) Hey! (now closer) it’s you again!
Jack: Oh, hi. Uh, Sam isn’t it?
Sam: Thats right! So, what're you doing here? You visiting George Wilson?
Jack: I was interviewing him
Sam: They- they gave you and interview?
Jack: yes.
Sam: what the- (speechless pause) I emailed his pa like about a hundred times and they didn't give me an interview!
Jack: Maybe because you emailed them a hundred times.
Sam: ugh that sucks! I can’t believe they gave you an interview and not me. Except you weren’t really interviewing him were ya?
Jack: (scoffs) I'm sorry?
Sam: Ahuh, I knew it! Here. (drops bag onto the ground) (unzips bag) This, (paper wrinkling) is a picture I took outside the Brampton Hotel on Cathedral Road, June, last year. Um, when they had that poltergeist. See. And that, unless I’m very much mistaken, is you.
Jack: Well, it looks like me, I’ll give you that.
Sam: Oh, yeah, because there are loads of men who look like you walking around Cardiff in army surplus greatcoats. Besides, here, another picture that a friend of mine took in Penarth during the mermaid sights in November. and baboom! There you are again.
Jack: And baboom! So, you got a few pictures of me, doesn’t prove a thing, except perhaps that you’re stalking me. are you stalking me Sam?
Sam: pfft, (scoffs) as if! Uh, though, actually, who's the brunette?
Jack: A friend.
Sam: Because she it fit as.
Jack: I’ll pass on your compliment I’m sure she’ll be thrilled
Sam: But there’s only one explanation for why you’d be in all these places.
Jack: Which is?
Sam: Torchwood.
Jack: Torchwood?
Sam: (scoffs) Seriously? You drive around Cardiff in a black four-wheel-drive with flashing blue lights. (scoffs) I mean, us bloggers might not know what it is you do exactly but Torchwood? You are up there with MKultra and The Bilderberg Group man.
Jack: Wow. I feel honored.
Sam: Oh, you should! Those guys are like, well famous.
Jack: Okay, well, if we're done. (car unlocks)
Sam: oh my god it the four-wheel-drive! It’s the actual four-wheel-drive!
Jack: uh, we actually call it the SUV. You can put that in your blog. Actually, scratch that. If you put this, any of this, in your blog, I'll have you transported to a Siberian zinc mine by lunch time tomorrow.
Sam: ha ha, classic!
Jack: Do I look like I’m joking?
Sam: You mean, you’d actually do that?
Jack: try me. (car door shuts) (engine starts)
Jack (narrating): I was lying of course. I don’t even know if they have zinc mines in Siberia. but Sam didn’t know that.
(the hub door rolls open. electric current can be heard)
Jack: hello? (pause) anybody home? (pause) just me then. (sigh) good.
Jack (narrating): I spent most of that night watching the same video clips over and over.
(mouse clicks twice)
George (through a speaker): The Committee aren't after our oil. Their civilization hasn't relied on fossil fuels in (audio switches to "live") over half a million years. They want our helium-3, on earth, it’s rare, but the moon is drenched in the stuff. right now, we’re like he Arabian Bedouin of old traversing oil fields without ever knowing it. The Committee knows it’s only a matter of time before they’re able to go up there and claim what’s ours and they’ll do everything they can to stop us. But people, know this, that in the early 80s NASA began drawing up plans for a second wave of apollo missions. That is, until a certain shuttle disaster put the whole space program on hold. Ten years later they began talking about the mission again, and wouldn’t you know it? Another shuttle exploded! Coincidence? I think not! You have to ask yourself, why did the Russians never go there? Indeed, why is it almost 40 years now since anyone last set foot on the moon. Now, the enablers, these are the ones working in intelligence agencies and law enforcement. When you see people being tear gassed or hit with batons at anti-government rallies, the ones hitting them, the ones tear gassing them? They’re the enablers.
Jack (narrating): Sometimes, he would get something right.
George: Erebus exists on a dimensional plane that’s invisible to earth.
Jack: And sometimes he’d get it very wrong.
George: And of course, we know what happened the last time an American president discovered the truth about The Committee, don't we?
Jack (narrating): Like all good conspiracy theories, some parts of it were strangely persuasive.
George: Doesn’t it often feel to you as if this word is being run by a cabal of middle managers? That human progress is being slowed down by the jobsworths? By the pencil pushers?
Jack (narrating): Some parts? Not so much.
George: This is Paul McCartney in 1967, and this is him or someone claiming to be him in 1970. (audio now over a speaker again) and I think you’ll agree that is not the same person.
Jack (narrating): I listened back over our interview.
(dictaphone clicks a few times and the recording starts)
Jack: You say your contacts wish to remain anonymous because they fear for their lives. Yet, you talk about this stuff, in the show, in your books, online, in the films you make, and you haven’t been killed?
George: No, not yet.
Jack: But you think the committee might one day have you assassinated?
George: It’s a very real possibility.
Kate: Dad! Do we really have to talk about this? (George sighs) It freaks me out!
George: Well, it’s true love. I’m sure they’re only biding their time. Right now, if they were to kill me it would only make me a martyr! They don’t yet exert absolute control over the media. I mean the mainstream media, yes, they control that from top to bottom. But just you mark my words! The day when they dictate every last thing that people see, read, and hear about, will be the day a sniper trains his sights on yours truly.
Jack: Huh, you sound quite calm about it.
George: If it happens it happens. We all have to die someday.
(recording clicks and stops)
Jack (narrating): I was just about to call it a night when-
(cellphone rings) (phone beeps three times)
Jack: hello?
Sam (over the phone): Jack? Jack Harkness!
Jack: Who is this?
Sam (over the phone): It’s Sam! Sam Hallett.
Jack: Ugh.
Sam: Look, these people came to my flat. I don’t know who they are. I was sleeping. They- they broke in. They said they want to speak to you Jack.
Jack: Well put them on.
Sam: Oh I- I can’t. They said you have to come here.
Jack: And where are you?
Sam: In the bay. It’s a new tower block they’re building. The Skypoint. They want you to come here.
Jack: It’s okay Sam, I’m on my way.
(snippet of the Torchwood theme plays)
Jack(narrating): Skypoint was gonna be the tallest building in the city. But back then? It was only half built. A spire of (car tires squeal in the background) Girders and concrete reaching several hundred feet into the night sky.
(car does opens and closes) (footsteps crunch on gravel)
Jack (narrating): Once I cleared the gate it took me a while to find him. How they got him up there? I'll never know. But he was standing on a narrow ledge maybe 60, 70 feet above the ground. A rope around his neck and his hands tied behind his back.
Jack: (yelling) Sam! Where are they?
Sam: (terrified) hnngk I can't, see 'em. But I think they’re still here.
Jack:(still yelling) I'm gonna come up there and get you down. ok?
Sam: (on the verge of tears) no! no don’t do that. They said if you try and help me they'll kill us both!
Jack: (to himself) damn it! (yelling) why don’t you show your faces whoever the hell you are?
Sam: They told me to give you a message, Jack. (sniffs) They said you (thud) (choking noises) (another thud)
Jack: NO!
Jack (narrating): I don't know if he was pushed or if he fell, but within seconds I could hear the sound of sirens. (sirens are heard in the background along with the creaking strain of a rope) I got their message. Loud and clear. But if they thought it was gonna stop me? Well, they were very much mistaken. What I didn’t know at the time was that half an hour before Sam's death, a video had appeared online. His last testament. (sirens fade)
Sam (over a speaker): (takes a deep breath) (shakily through tears) My name is Sam Hallett. If you're watching this, it means that I'm (whimpers) dead. I've taken my own life because it is no longer worth living. For years I've wasted my time spreading nothing but fantasies and lies. (deep breath) I did this because I wanted the attention. But I am still alone. and that loneliness has become too much to bear. (coughs) (pause) I- uh, I hope my family will forgive me. (cries quietly) I am so so (sobbing) sorry (continues sobbing).
Jack (narrating): No one would've found it convincing and, of course, when I told him not to say a word about Torchwood, I was way too late. He'd already done it. In about half a dozen emails and text messages and blogs.
(one phone rings followed by another then more in rapid succession)
Jack (narrating): (phones still ringing in the background) when I got back to the hub, so many phone lines, so much voicemail, so many messages. The agencies and ministries you’re not supposed to know about. All those anonymous men and women in Whitehall who don't appreciate being woke up with bad news in the early hours of the morning. I let them go unanswered. I had some questions of my own.
(dramatic music drowns out phones then fades out)
(grandfather clock can be heard ticking in the background)
Jack: (angrily) Wake up. (George grunts sleepily) I said wake up!
(sheets rustling)
George: What? (tinkling noise like ice in a glass followed by the sound of a squeaking wheel) Jesus Christ.
Jack: Close, but no cigar.
George: Harkness? What the hell are you doing here?
Jack: I wouldn't make any sudden moves if I were you.
George: But why?
Jack: Do you know someone named Sam Hallet?
George: Who?
Jack: (aggressively) Don't play games with me!
George: I swear to God I don’t know who you’re talking about!
Jack: he writes a blog “Eye of providence”. He came to hear you speak yesterday, said he tried getting an interview with you.
George: Honestly, I’ve never heard of him.
Jack: Well, he’d heard of you and now he’s dead.
George: What?
Jack: Hanged by the neck. Made to look like the kind of suicide that looks like a murder if you know what I mean. Hands bound, unconvincing suicide note. I think you and I should have a little talk.
George: What about? About your friend?
Jack: (aggressively) Who told you about the committee?
George: We uh- We went through this in the interview. Didn't we?
Jack: Tell me the name of your contact!
George: I can't.
Jack: George, I am pointing a gun at your head. So, tell me the name of your contact.
George: I- (pause) I can't!
Jack: It’s a case of you telling me their name or you dying! Which is it gonna be?
George: I can't tell you their name!
Jack: (aggressively) Why not George?
George: Because they don't exist!
Jack: (flabbergasted) What?
George: They don’t exist! They’re not real! There is no CIA contact! I have no contact in the CIA, or MI6, or the SVR, or Mossad or ISI or BND or any of them. I made them all up
Jack: You’re lying!
George: You think I’d lie at a time like this? You think this is the lie?
Jack: but that doesn’t make any sense!
George: Oh, this is hilarious. You- you break into my hotel room in the middle of the night. You point a gun at me. And when I tell you the truth—the actual truth—you say it doesn't make any sense! (laughs) Oh, that is priceless.
Jack: You think this is a joke?
George: No. This isn’t a joke. But I’ll tell you what is. You, conspiracy nutters. When I started doing this if anyone had told me about you people I’d have thought twice. There isn’t a moment’s rest. The letters and the emails, and the funny thing is its never the really far-fetched stuff that people bring you up on! Oh, you can tell them that JFK was assassinated by aliens from outer space, and they'll believe every word of it, but mention frame 207 of the Zapruder footage when you really mean 208? (pause) And you'll never hear the end of it!
Jack: Are you honestly telling me, you made all this up?
George: What, you think there really is a plot by aliens from the planet Erebus to plunder the moon? (chuckles to himself) No, that is ridiculous. Listen, I know you guys can get pretty intense about this sort of thing—and uh, you seem to have some issues of your own—so I'll try and let you down gently, but it isn't true. Trust me, it’s not. and I’ll happily tell you everything, if you’d just lower that gun? okay?
Jack: Okay.
George: Now, if it’s alright with you I’m going to get out of bed, go to the minibar and get myself a miniature [alcohol name] yes? (refrigerator opens)
Jack: I thought you were in recovery?
George: Well, if anyone asks I'm blaming you for my relapse.
(refrigerator closes, bottles clink, and one fizzes as it is opened)
George: (takes a long drink) Ahhhh. (sets bottle down) Oh my word. (refrigerator opens) That is good! (bottles clink again) Care for one? No? (another bottle fizzes and opens) Marvelous! More for me!
Jack: slow down. (George drinking) And tell me everything. Right from the start.
George (narrating): (birdsong in the background) (footsteps, pacing) I'd been a journalist for, oh, 25 years? And all I saw were the same stories repeating themselves over and over. Everything felt like a remake. Biafra in 1968, Ethiopia in '84, same problems. Just being shifted around the globe from one country to the next. When they offered me the studio job, I grabbed it with both hands! No more shanty towns, no more war zones. Except of course, in the studio it was intensified. Now, I wasn’t covering one story at a time, I was covering 8 or 9 a day! War, famine, pestilence, death, war, famine, pestilence, death. Like the four horsemen of the apocalypse in a bloody carousel! Something had to snap. Sooner or later. And yes, at the time a part of me was convinced there was something sinister going on behind the scenes. But it was just paranoia, that’s all. I got better. Sobered up. Wrote a book about my time as a reporter. And no one wanted it. Not one publisher showed any interest. They said, "how can readers take anything that man says seriously?" I was (pause) a joke. Well, when life gives you lemons- (sigh)
Kate: dad. Dad. Can you sit down? You're making me anxious.
(chair drags on the floor)
George: We need to think of something though. It’s gotta be something original, something that makes people sit up and pay attention.
Kate: Are you really sure about this?
George: What do you mean?
Kate: I just wonder if putting yourself out there in the limelight again-
George: Darling! I'm sure.
Kate: But a book about aliens?
George: You were the one who suggested it!
Kate: I was joking!
George: And it’s a brilliant idea Kate! Go online! Look how well this stuff sells! Besides, you might as well put that creative writing degree to some use.
Kate: Thanks, dad.
George: But we need a name for them, these uh aliens.
Kate: What sort of a name?
George: I don't know. Something different. Something ominous!
Kate: Ooo! The Varangians!
George: Where did that come from?
Kate: Ninth century Russian Vikings. I always thought they sounded like something out of Star Trek.
George: No, don’t want anything like that.
Kate: You’re right it has to be something bit I don’t know cool. like, The Bureau or The Committee.
George: The Committee! Oooo I like that!
Kate: Really? I mean that was just me thinking out loud.
George: No, no, that’s good! They sound faceless, oppressive! Exactly what we're looking for! The Committee.
(birdsong stops)
(grandfather clock ticking)
Jack: What if I told you, it was all true?
George: Oh, this again. I'd suggest you’re desperately in need of professional help. But to be honest, I think we’ve already established that. (refrigerator opens, bottles clink, refrigerator closes, bottle fizzes as it opens, George drinks it) Ahhhh, ooo I've missed this stuff! You know in one of my books—I can’t even remember which one it was—I-I claim that alcohol is a plot by the committee to keep humans compliant. Hilarious! (chuckle) Yeah, and now I get thousands of fan letters of people saying they’ve gone teetotal so they won’t become drones just like everyone else. Talk about irony. So, go on, The Committee is real, Erebus is real, is that the gist of what you’re trying to tell me?
Jack: More or less.
George: Brilliant! Well, in that case I’ll carry on doing what I’m doing then. Because if what you say is true then it turns out I’ve been doing the world a great big favor all along. I get to keep my book royalties and my share of the box office and save the world at the same time! Excellent!
Jack: It is not that simple.
George: No?
Jack: You’ve forgotten about Sam Hallett?
George: Is this the lad you say was killed?
Jack: (sighs) that’s right.
George: And like I said, never heard of him! You could still be making it up for all I know.
Jack: I watched him die.
George: So you’re telling me. (refrigerator opens, bottles clink, refrigerator closes, bottlecap unscrews, George drinks) Ahhh, who on earth but schnapps in a minibar? So, what exactly do you want me to do Mr. Harkness? You want me to carry on? You want me to quit? To be honest, at my age, retirement sounds wonderful.
Jack: And you would do that?
George: I think Kate might miss the traveling and she’d probably have to find herself a "proper" job, but otherwise yes, I will bugger off to somewhere sunny and you will never hear from me again. This lad, Sam, was it? how old was he?
Jack: I don't know. twenty, twenty one.
George: Christ. not much younger than Kate. You play around with the truth, with people’s thoughts, with their perceptions like that? (sighs) Sooner or later you'll suffer the consequences. Maybe it is time I quit.
Jack: But still I don’t understand. If you just made it all up, how could you get so much of it right? I mean, did any of this come to you in I- I don’t know a dream?
George: What? (laughs)
Jack: A vision?
George: Like the vision of St Eustace? NO! There was no divine flash! Just a lot of sitting around and talking and writing down funny little names and silly ideas and working out which ones were the most marketable. Sorry if that’s’ a crushing disappointment to you. Cheers.
(foreboding music plays then cuts off abruptly)
Jack (narrating): (sounds of reckless driving in the background) It was possible. Seven billion people in the world. Get enough of them to tell a lie and one of them might accidentally tell the truth. But that didn’t change what happened to Sam Hallett. The kid was still dead. And a lot of people wanted to know what Torchwood had to do with it.
(engine noise fades out)
(dining room chatter is heard in the background, footsteps approach)
Kate: Morning dad!
George: ugh, Kate. you're early.
Kate: thought I'd get out of London before rush hour. Good thing I did. The M4 was empty most of the way here, and if you time it wrong that junction by Heathrow can be a nightmare. (pause) You look terrible! You feeling okay?
George: Not particularly.
Kate: Well, what’s wrong? Are you ill?
George: Not as such.
Kate: Oh no. (sighs)
George: Look, love, I'm sorry.
Kate: I knew I shouldn’t have gone to London! I should've had Jerry drive up here and meet us for supper! At least then I could’ve kept an eye on you!
George: I’m not a child!
Kate: And yet, the second I'm not here you drink the bar dry!
George: It was the minibar actually.
Kate: oh, of course! I should've had them empty it as soon as we got here! Or at least put a padlock on it. (sigh) look Dad It’s okay, we've been here before remember? You got through it then; you'll get through it this time. You're strong.
George: This, was different.
Kate: Please Dad, you don't have to make excuses, not with me.
George: No, no, I mean, this is how it happened. There was a man here. The one who interviewed me yesterday. Harkness. He broke into the hotel room.
Kate: Hang on, what?
George: He had a gun.
Kate: Dad, that’s not funny.
George: He told me it’s all true Kate. He said that some blogger, this young (pause) lad, got himself killed. When I turned on the tv this morning, he was right. This boy, they said he hanged himself but everything else about it- Harkness said it was murder.
Kate: And you, believed him?
George: Didn’t know what to do! Or think. I was scared. He had a gun!
Kate: Did you call the police?
George: I couldn’t. By the time he'd left, well, I was too drunk to do anything.
Kate: And it was Harkness who told you all this?
George: Yes.
Kate: Okay. Well, why don’t you finish your coffee and then we'll go upstairs and we'll talk about what we do next. yeah?
George: Yes.
(dining room background noise fades out)
Jack (narrating): I had no reason to doubt George Wilson’s version of events, but I had to makes sure. I hacked into his hotel’s security system and watched their CCTV feed. Killing two birds with one stone, I looped some earlier footage to remove all evidence I was ever there, then skimmed through the next few hours. Wilson left his room at 8 and went downstairs for breakfast where he was joined by his daughter. I zoomed in on their conversation, and though I couldn’t hear what was being said, it was clear. He was telling her what had happened. He had his hands over his eyes. He looked ashamed. And so he didn’t notice her expression. But I did. Her well-rehearsed sympathy vanished in a fraction of a second. And that was when the phone rang.
(phone ringing) (phone beeps three times)
Jack: Yes?
Kate (over the phone): Hello Jack.
Jack: How did you get this number.
Kate (over the phone): We have our ways.
Jack: We?
Kate (over the phone): Come now Jack, faux naivety really doesn’t suit you. Seems you and daddy had a little chat last night.
Jack: That’s right.
Kate (over the phone): You told him all about the Hallett boy. Bit hasty. We really were hoping you’d hold out a while. wWe tend to find these things benefit from a longer gestation.
Jack: What are you talking about?
Kate (over the phone): Meet us at the hotel and I’ll explain everything. Come straight to our room and don’t even think about bringing your friends or we'll know.
(phone beeps three times)
Jack (narrating): I ran through the hotel taking the stairs up to Wilson's floor. My gun was drawn by the time I reached the corridor. No time for good manners. I wasn’t gonna knock.
(Jack grunts and kicks the door in something in the room is heard falling over)
(gun fires with a muffled "pew" noise)
Jack: OW! (falls into some furniture) (grunts in pain)
Kate: Oh, really Jack, you literally walked right into that one. (Jack continues grunting in pain) I've just clipped your spinal cord that’s all, it’s quite pointless trying to move. That was a 45-ACP round they’re very effective. I imagine it’ll take even you some time to recover from that. All those shattered bits of bone and nervous tissue blended together like corned beef hash!
George: (long grunt)
Jack (narrating): Wlson was tied to chair. Hands behind his back and a gag in his mouth.
Jack: hyuuh What- What are you doing? (bone cracks)
Kate: Try to stay with me Jack, its important you pay attention.
Jack: You’re one of The Committee!
Kate: Give yourself a gold star!
Jack: But you’re his daughter!
Kate: (Jack breathes heavily in the background) Adopted daughter! Really I thought you might've done a bit more homework. Yes, I’m one of The Committee. What you might call deep cover. Very, deep cover. You know, I think the teenage years were the hardest. all those pretend tantrums! (mockingly) "You're not even my real parents" then, pretending to give a shit when he and Lorraine split up. I should win an Oscar Jack! Really! I should! Now, I won’t bother asking how you know all about us. We never forget a face, Kepri 5, wasn’t it?
Jack (narrating): Let's rewind again and take ourselves to the far side of the known universe, (rain begins in the background) Kepri 5, in the constellation of Fornax. (blaster fire can be heard in the background) How did I get there? Don't ask. Long story short, the government was taken over, infiltrated. Civil war broke out. 90% of the population wiped out overnight. Within a year, the planet's three moons were being stripped of minerals by prospectors from (chuckles) you guessed it Erebus. And Kepri 5 wasn't the only place where this happened. Planets in Cygnus A, Omega Centauri, Andromeda, all fell to the Committee. Back then, I was what George Wilson might have called an enabler. I’m not proud. But you can’t change the past. When The Committee began surveying the Milky Way's Orion arm I lied to them, said there was nothing of interest on earth and sent them off to some mining colony six hundred parsecs away. Population: 2000. (sighs) I thought I’d done the right thing. (massive explosion is heard in the background)
Kate: We kept a file on you Jack, and we seem to remember a certain someone telling us that earth was a, (breath intake) what were your exact words? "a barren wasteland"? "worthless"? Bit of a porky that one wasn't it? We thought we had a deal, Jack. A working relationship. Well, when we found out you were on earth and working for Torchwood it was, well- what’s the local idiom? as if all our Christmases had come at once!
Jack: I don't understand.
Kate: Of course you don’t.
Jack: Why did you tell George everything?
Kate: But I didn’t tell him everything, did I? I fed him details, fragments.
Jack: But why?
Kate: He’s perfect! A Famous face with a reputation in tatters! Exactly what we were looking for. You see, we’ve been studying earth for just over a hundred years and in that time we’ve learned on very important thing about humanity.
Jack: Which is?
Kate: They love a lie. Myths, legends, tall tales, call them what you will. Humans just can’t get enough of them! ANd the lies they love most of all, are the ones they fall for. (George grunts) Hush daddy! Time and time again people fell for the most outlandish stories they were told! The Underground Reich, The Illuminati, JFK. and here’s the best bit. While a certain number believe each conspiracy, most don't. They talk about them and rubbish them and mock anyone who believes in them, but they remain skeptical. George is our very own little boy who cried wolf. And now, so are you. And when the wolf arrives and gobbles up all the sheep, the vast majority won't believe a word of it.
(George grunts again)
Kate (agitated): do you have something to say?
George: (gasping as his gag is removed) oh, darling I don't know why you're doing this but if it’s to-to-to to scare him off, uh we don’t have to do this you know.
Kate: You think this is all play acting? That is, well, that’s just precious.
Jack: But why did you kill Sam?
George: You? Killed that man?
Kate: Yes. Daddy, do try and keep up. (sighs) Why did we kill him? Dramatic flair Jack. It helps if you have the odd mysterious death along the way. Keeps people talking.
Jack: And what does that have to do with Torchwood.
Kate: I'm glad you asked. You see, the Hallett boy's death is already creating quite buzz in online circles but what makes it perfect is that within hours of the story breaking, my father will be discovered dead. (George: What?) and once again Torchwood will have their grubby little fingerprints all over it.
George: Darling, w-what are you talking about?
Jack: (grunts) Stop!
(gun fires with a muffled "pew" noise)
(George gasps and his body falls to the floor)
Jack: (gasps then sighs) You killed him.
Kate: You’re observant Jack, I’ll give you that.
Jack: Why?
Kate: He'd done all that we needed him to do.
Jack: (in pain) Aah! I won’t let you get away with this.
Kate: Oh, Jack! You say that as if you’re expecting a fleet of spaceships to appear over Cardiff any second so you can call your little friends and get them to fire their guns at the nasty aliens! (mocking gasp) Adorable! Now, I don’t know how long you usually take to heal, so, I think I'd best go for a headshot.
(creepy music fades in)
Jack: No! No! No!
(gun fires with a muffled "pew" noise)
(creepy music fades out)
(echo-y surreal music starts and a heartbeat begins to play over it)
Jack(narrating): You ever dived into deep water? There's a moment in those first few seconds when the light above you grows dim. When it shrinks down to a pinpoint. That’s what it’s like. Each and every time.
(music fades out)
(Jack gasps loudly then takes several deep breaths as he revives)
(sirens are approaching)
Jack (narrating): When I woke up, Kate Wilson was gone. It was just me, and George, and a whole lot of blood. And not enough time to cover my tracks. I got out of there before the police could arrive.
(sirens stop)
(variation of the Torchwood theme plays in the background)
Jack (over a speaker): So, that's it guys, Thats why I'm out of here. You’ve all handled things without me in the past so, I'm sure you'll cope. Someone needs to stop them, and I figure that someone, is me. If they’re already on earth, then The Committee is everywhere, in every government, in every boardroom, on every tv screen. (scoffs lightly) And I am coming for them.
(recording ends. high pitched tone plays for a second. a beep follows. the Torchwood theme variation trails off at the same time)
