The Man I Married Wasn't Actually a Man at All!
my entry for @seventasia pretty girl avenue event! managed to finish this on the last day of pride month so happy pride month! i wanted to post this asap so i didn't proof read so my bad!
cw: depictions of violence and death, lesbian sex, 69, fingering, oral, squirting, lots of plot with a taste of porn
Chirping locusts echo through your open window, the faint smell of tobacco smoke from your kiseru whisked away by the summer breeze. It's almost morning, yet sleep continues to evade you, the soft light of sunrise barely peeking over the horizon.
It had been a long night. A whirlwind of high profile clients and feigned excitement over their return to the pleasure house your ex husband, Jinichi, had dumped you in. Left to rot in the company of depravity when offered the right price as if you were nothing more than cattle.
Your first month here, you'd barely pulled your weight; locking yourself in your chambers, refusing food and clients all the same. You were wasting away with the realization that you had been abandoned, after a year of marriage no less. Nights were spent recounting the months you had spent together, filing through every detail and trying to pinpoint exactly where it had all gone wrong. You found solace in your bitterness, in the fact that these were just the unlucky cards you had been dealt; that you had married a man who's only goal in marriage was financial gain.
The early mornings were the hardest, especially when your wandering mind kept you from sleep as it did more often than not. You imagined killing him frequentlyâ slicing his head from his neck and watching the light fade from his eyes, blood pooling around him. You as his executioner.
Lying in your misery and daydreaming wouldn't bear any fruit, you'd have to pull yourself up and be smart if you ever wanted to leave this place. To exact your revenge. The only path to your self proclaimed destiny was to become the most sought after, highest paid courtesan. Make a name for yourself, putting all your girlish ideals of purity behind you. Elbow deep in the dirty work of seduction.
And highly sought after you had become; not because you were particularly mind blowing when laid flat on your back, but because of other, equally important elementsâyour innate beauty, the seductive lilt of your voice, and your ability to command not only a conversation, but an entire room. Inflating the egos of clan heads and high ranking military officials was easy, whispering exactly what they wanted to hear with your lips skimming over the shell of their ear. Indulging their fantasies of being the strongest, smartest man of them all. Talking them out of their money with promises to see you more often, making good on that by making a large down payment to reserve your time.
They find pleasure in picking you apart, trying to pry all the things you hold near and dear out from inside you only to find themselves wrapped in the mystery that you've manufactured as they seat themselves inside your flesh. Multiple clients unearth themselves beneath your robes, rolling in the expensive quilts their generous depravity had paid for while you go through the motions of feigning pleasure. All the while repeating your plans for revenge, as if you could wake up one day and forget them.
Buyout your own contract. Track down Jinichi Zenin. And kill him. Slowly, brutally.
The hard part was keeping enough of your earnings to buyout said contract. Most of the large sum these men were paying went to your room and board; expensive and intricate kimonos, hair ornaments and makeup; expensive meals to maintain your figure and anything else the Madame had decided to tack on. Your more malleable clients left coin pouches filled with a few pieces of shiny gold that you'd tuck under a false bottom in your unused sewing kit. It wasn't much, but you'd hold onto your desire for retribution for 10â no, 20 years if you had to. Flattering and fucking your way there for as long as circumstances necessitated.
That's how you find yourself 5 years into your debt, finding pleasure only in the taste of tobacco and the quiet birdsong outside your window. Your head turns at the soft sound of the wooden frame of the screen being slid open, a client call early in the morning was unusual and highly unwantedâthe quiet mornings being the only time you had for yourself.
A tall man stands in the doorframe, unruly inky hair almost to the point of impeding his eye sight. Gazing upon it made your stomach turn. He stands beside the Madame, only looking up as she addresses you by name. The unusual green of his eyes sticks out immediately, your own traveling to the faint scar on his lip that only seems to add to his beauty. He's masculine in a feminine sort of way, but leagues ahead of your regular clients in regards to looks. You quirk an inquisitive brow at the Madame, tapping the metal bowl of your kiseru against your wooden tray to dispose of the ash.
"To what do I owe the pleasure of being disturbed so early in the morning?" You recline back into the wall behind you, your kimono sliding off your shoulder slightly. His eyes track the movement of the fabric, studying your every move intently.
"Don't be so rude to such an esteemed patron." She waves her fan about to express her displeasure. "Mr. Zenin here-"
Your heart stops for a moment. You'd know that last name anywhere, because for a short while it had been your last name too.
"It's Fushiguro." His cut in is curt, voice a bit high for a man. You study him right back, eyes scrutinizing his commoners robes; a deep blue yukata and dark dyed hakama hung sloppily over his figure accompanied by worn sandals. You bring your forgotten tea to your lips, it's run cold and steeped far too long.
"Mr. Fushiguro here has kindly bought out your contract."
You choke on your tea, sending you into a rather unflattering coughing fit. The scar on his lip elongates as one side lifts into a faint smile. The Madame's own smile is tight, showing too much teeth, unhappy with losing the prospect of more money than she was paid for you.
"How kind of him." Your jaw is set tight, words coming out strained and ungraceful.
This man was a stain on your plans. Who did he think he was, buying out the contract of a woman he'd never met? How could such an unkempt man even afford the price of your company for one night, much less the rest of your life? How could you resign yourself to be nothing but property, yet again?
His eyes are unfeeling, that sly upturn of his mouth gone now as he lifts his head to look down at you. As if you were beneath him. It was irritating beyond belief, to have a man look at you with such contempt. And now you belonged to him.
"Pack your things and pack light. We leave in ten." He turns on his heel, giving you one last look of indifference over his shoulder before going on his merry way. You say nothing, sitting for a moment to collect your thoughts, gazing around your small room and realizing just how many things you've collected. All the ornamental hairpins and silk kimonos. Little trinkets given to you by customers determined to win your heart by any other means than buying out your contract.
"You don't seem too keen to leave this place." The Madame plops a yanagigori down next to you before settling onto her knees. "Most of the girls here would kill to be in your position."
She takes your most ornate kimono out of its box, you gaze longingly at the deep green silk patterned with white chrysanthemums and wonder if spending out the rest of your life here would truly be so awful.
"Well maybe it should've been one of their contracts that was bought out instead." You snap, standing to collect a few of your favorite hair pins and settling them next to the stack of kimonos shes collected. You know you're being ungrateful, that most of the women here truly would love nothing more than to be whisked away into a life of child rearing and homemaking. The thought makes you sick.
"Oh, hush, stupid girl. You've been here long enough. Go live out your happy little life and forget about the bastard who abandoned you here." Her words make you freeze, almost dropping your cosmetics on the tatami mat below.
"I'm offended you think I still-"
"You don't get abandoned by someone you love in a place like this and just let it roll off your back. Not a girl like you, anyway." She gazes at you through her peripheral, continuing to load your items into the wicker trunk without so much as turning her head toward you. "I, too, remember what it was like to be young and in love, with dreams for the future."
"Love is but a child's dream." You huff, kneeling beside her to help pack. "Men are covetous and I would die before putting my trust in one again."
"While you may have abandoned trust, never let them take away your ability to dream. That is the last bit of wisdom I will impart on you." She closes the lid of the yanagigori, wrinkled hands coming up to squeeze your shoulders before standing and making her way to the shoji screen.
"Madame?" You look down at your hands folded in your lap, trying to focus on the red paint to distract from your bashfulness. She hums a quiet response your way, the same hand that had given you that comforting squeeze resting on the door way, body half turned. You lift your head to take one last look at her; her graying hair and crows feet, still beautiful even as an old woman.
"You may give my remaining cosmetics and kimonos to the other courtesans, but leave the hairpins and trinkets for the kamuro." You smile, genuinely. The feeling is foreign and awkward. "Let the young girls keep their dreams."
 âŹâŹÎčââââââââïș€
 Fushiguro doesn't talk the whole half day's ride to his humble abode. And neither do you. The only sound is the beating of hooves under you and the infrequent tinkling from inside your trunk. The horse underneath you is gorgeous, definitely one that would fetch a high price if you ever needed to make a quick escape. You stare at his back, shoulder blades the only identifiable part of his figure underneath robes that swallow him whole.
The sun has almost set on the horizon as you approach a grassy path that leads to a small home in a densely wooded area. It's just a bit larger than the shack you had grown up in, though, much nicer with it's shoji screens and the engawa wrapped around it. He hops off his horse, taking the bridle of both his horse and the one you're sat atop of and leading them to a makeshift stable and securing them.
Slender fingers, looking much like your own, rest on your hips to help you down. The implication that you couldn't have dismounted on your own has irritation licking its way over your already fried nerves and in a small act of defiance you grab your trunk and trudge your way to the door.
He gives you a sidelong glance as he holds the door open, motioning you inside with the same hands that had just rested on your waist. You begrudgingly oblige, huffing and puffing your way through the threshold. The main room is much nicer than you'd imagined, the tatami mats are well kept with a low table sitting in the middleâ a decorated tea set sitting close to the edge. There's two screens on opposite ends of the main room, the paper on them bright and new as if they'd just been adhered. You'd half expected a desolate shack made of worn down wood with a leaky thatched roof, the surprise grandeur was welcome.
"Am I allowed to know the first name of my benefactor, or am I overstepping my bounds Mr. Fushiguro?" Your tone is sharp, setting down the overbearing weight of your trunk to give your arms some relief. When was the last time you'd lifted something heavier than your kiseru?
"Toji." He looks at you in that suspicious sort of way that makes you wonder if he's lying, "And I would like for you to address me as your husband from now on." A demand.
"Whatever you wish, husband." It's wrapped in a sneer. He ignores it.
"You may sleep, eat and do as you please, whenever or wherever it suits you. If you don't want to share a bed, I won't force you. If you wish to live in silence, I will not utter a word your way."
You turn away from him without a word, dragging your trunk by the handle toward the room closest to you. You make it about half way before leather separates from wicker with a snap, sending you flying and landing on your rear. A muffled chuckle comes from beside you before a calloused hand wraps around your arm, yanking you to your feet. You glare at him as if he had pushed you down himself, watching too closely as he lifts your trunk with one hand and pushes past you into the room of your own choosing.
The room is plain save for the lone futon sprawled out on the floor, a dark blue quilt folded neatly at the end. You missed your fine quilts and curse yourself for bringing lavish kimonos instead. You sink to your knees, loosing out a breath to quiet your nerves as the screen shuts quietly beside you. Defeat begins to gnaw at you, the realization that all of your hard work may very well have been for nothing and a life of quiet, unpaid servitude would be the only path available to you was⊠jarring to say the least.
The room felt too small, your clothes too tight and your skin grimy and caked with dirt and horse hair. You needed a long bath where you could scrub away all your hopes and dreams for the future yet again and maybe a good meal to make yourself feel better about it. And a cup of sake. Or ten.
Your fingers fiddle with your obi, loosening the tie and allowing yourself some room to take a full breath. The room is too hot, a bead of sweat sliding from your hairline down the back of your neck as the walls seem to creep closer and closer. Your kimono is thrown haphazardly behind you, your undergarments sticking to you like second skin. You stand on shaky legs, stumbling to the shoji leading outside and sliding it open to bask in fresh air. Your clammy forehead rests against the grid-like wood, palm flat against your exposed diaphragm as you try to regulate each inhale and exhale.
The stables are in view from your bedroom, Toji's there and you watch as he cares for the horses. His long sleeves are tied up, slender forearms corded with muscle, bulging with every careful brush over your horses coat. You weren't much different than the animal before you, something bought and made to be maintained. The setting sun casts an orange hue over his features, a glow that only enhances his infuriating beauty. His head turns, forearm coming up to wipe away sweat. Your face warms, being caught staring and all. His eyes rake down your body, summer wind rustling both of your heads of hair.
You square your shoulders, clearing your throat, "A bath. I'd like to take one."
He sets the brush down, wiping his hands over the front of his robes. He takes a few steps toward you and you take one back in turn. A smile elongates that marred corner of his mouth, body coming to a halt. He points toward a path that feeds between the trees.
"There's a hot spring at the end of the trail, I'll get in when you're finished."
You nod, stepping out onto the engawa and sliding your sandals back on. The grass flattens under your feet, strides hurried as you pass Toji who has gone back to grooming the horses and pretending he isn't eyeing your exposed skin.
The hot spring isn't too far into the trees, the rising of steam shrouded by cypress and cedar. Regardless of the illusion of cover, you check your surroundings for creeping little eyes in the shadows before removing your undergarments and dipping a toe into the water. Your whole body relaxes as you submerge yourself for what is probably the first time in a very, very long time. Nimble fingers pull your hairpins out, the strands coming to wrap around you like a shawl. You dip fully beneath the surface, scrubbing your face with your hands as you come back up for air.
It's nice out here, even in your displeasure you could admit that. And Toji was quiet, aloof and willing to give you all the space you needed. Perhaps your plans weren't so far fetched now that you'd made it out of the pleasure district. Maybe Toji had given you a head start.
Your fingernails scrub your skin until its red and painful, you manage to stop your abrasive hands despite still feeling unclean. Tomorrow you'd pack up your horse and head into town, disguise yourself as just another local and ask around about that evil man who'd taken advantage of your young, naive heart.
Toji's footsteps are silent as he approaches, his head turned to the side as he shoves a towel your way wordlessly.
"I'm not some virtuous, highborn woman." You scoff, ripping the towel from his hands. "You can look."
The sun has fully set, the twinkling of dusk filtering through the trees, but you can still see that tinge of pink on his ears even through all that shaggy hair. You stand to full height, bared to the world as the cold of night hits your warm skin. Your nipples pebble, goosebumps kissing their way over you, bathed in moonlight.
"I'd rather not." He grumbles, crossing his arm over his chest. You wonder what's hiding beneath those shabby, oversized robes. Wonder if there's some defect or mutation hidden underneath and maybe that's why he isn't too keen on seeing underneath yours.
"Have you never laid with a woman before, husband?" Your voice comes out in a teasing little sing-song. He's stood so close, his back to you as you reach out and use his shoulders as leverage. They're much more petite than you'd imagined but the thick muscle is apparent nonetheless. Your lips brush the shell of his ear as you lean in. He freezes, whole body rigid as his ear turns a darker shade.
"Will your wife have to teach you the pleasures of the flesh?" Your teeth graze the lobe for just a moment before you straighten out, stepping fully into your sandals and sauntering away. You hear him groan behind you and mumble incoherently under his breath. You walk the short way back, a vindictive little smile stuck to your face the whole way.
This was going to be fun.
âŹâŹÎčââââââââïș€
 The first week was noiseless. Uneventful except for your naked teasing when getting out of the hot spring. You had found a little pocket of joy in tormenting him by "forgetting" your towel each night. He mostly leaves you to your devices, leaving during the day to head into Edo and do god knows what. You derive enjoyment in sitting on the engawa and taking long drags off your kiseru to which Toji comes home and nags you about the stagnant smell of tobacco sticking to the paper screens and bedding. You remind him he's the one supplying you with said tobacco and watch as he rolls his eyes and excuses himself to prepare dinner.
The second and third weeks follow the same pattern of quiet, greetings in the mornings and even quieter dinners. Silence and soba. You're fond of him, silent as he is. Toji does his utmost to not make eye contact with you when you sit across from him with your nemaki hung open, legs spread in a most unladylike way. You find a sadistic little joy in teasing him, watching him squirm as he bathes in silence and your lewd tendencies. He brought you here and you sit like a caged animal, despite his assurance that you may do as you please. What more is there for you to do here but laze about and enjoy his little show of charity for disrupting your life?
Most nights, he practically sprints back to his chambers once dinner is over. Shutting himself in and extinguishing his lantern. You bark out a laugh, thinking of how fun it'd be to suggest sleeping in the same bed and watch the horror play across those wondrous features. You call out an exaggerated goodnight that gets nothing in way of a response before padding over to your own room. You tuck yourself beneath cool, unfamiliar bedding in an even less familiar room. Sleep had continued to prove difficult, the cicadas chirping so loud you wonder if a few had snuck in. You count the ceiling panels, making note of each groove and divot.
That night, you dream of being dressed in an expensive kimono, your mane pulled up elaborately with hairpins that tinkle with every graceful, assured step. You look at the familiar hallway, the hushed sound of your tabi socks smoothing over the tatami mats as your eyes scan the portrait of your parents at the end of the corridor. You stop in front of a shoji screen, the outline of a large, long haired man visible as light filters through paper. You reach out, fingers gripping the wood gingerly, sliding it open just a hair. The hunched back facing you is one you'd know anywhere, one you'd fantasized about every day for the past 5 years.
Fury ignites every nerve ending, you fly forward without thinking. Your fingers find a blade tucked inside of your sleeve, time moving in slow motion as you pounce. Your ex husbands back is pressed into the tatami below as you straddle his waist. His face is pulled into a look of shock, the star shaped scar in the middle of his forehead creasing at one of the points. He's as big and beautiful as the day you last saw him. A pathetic little part of you aches to melt into him but a larger part feels nothing but disgust. Rage blinds you, metal pierces into skin over and over as sanguine stains your kimono and that of the one below you. There's an animalistic scream coming from somewhere far off, shrieking all the words you'd wanted to say and a sound that can only be described as a quiet gurgling of blood. The screams are from you, the gurgling from him. Everything is painted in red, the walls, the floors. You look up and see your wedding portrait hung on the wall, you look like a stranger. All young and hopeful and painted in your lovers blood. You want to wail and scream some more, destroying everything that reminds you of what was and what could have been.
You look down at the scene before you, ragged puffs of air expelling irregularly into tight lungs. Your fingers grip into his kimono as you watch his dead eyes wander no more. You're still screaming, fists coming down heavily into his chest which only makes blood gush from his wounds all the more. Your face is hot with tears of relief, at the notion you are finally free. Grief for the way your foolish heart had been swayed. Another look at his face and it's morphing. A haze cast over familiar features until you realize it's no longer your ex husbands face staring blankly at you.
 âŹâŹÎčââââââââïș€
 Your eyes fly open, your shoulders are being shaken and it's making your brain feel like its hitting the walls of your skull. Toji's in front of you, green eyes blown wide as he hollers out your name in a panic.
"You were screaming out in your sleep." You're scanning him and the room around you, mind still foggy from rest. "I thought somebody was murdering you."
The thought was almost funny considering your nightmare had been the opposite but not, all at once. Your eyes travel to his scar, the way it shrinks and grows as his mouth moves, his sharp canines and his wet tongue. A person so similar to your past lover but so different all the same. A long muscled neck is straining with panic and your eyes marvel at the sharp collarbones unhidden by his robes. Your brow quirks, not fully registering that where the flat expanse of chest should be, there are breasts practically spilling out.
Your fingers latch into the fabric, mind moving before reason as you rip his robes from his shoulders.
"You're a woman." It isn't a question. How could it be when two breasts are looking you right in the face? She says nothing, head downcast so her shaggy hair acts as a curtain. That sick little sense of dread that's been eating away at you suddenly dissipates. You have the upper hand here, though the betrayal stings all the same.
She pulls her kimono back over her shoulders, hugging it tightly to her frame. "You weren't supposed to find out."
Her head is turned to the side, the edge of her jaw and the downturn of her lips the only visible part of her face. "Well, now I have. And I have questions, lots of them."
"No, you have meddled in my life more than enough and I have sat here like a good little pet while you do nothing but leave me in silence. So you will answer me, and you will do it now." You bark, catching her wrist and pulling her toward you. The tug catches her off guard and she falls into you, palms rested on either side of your head, her legs a copy over your hips.
"Tch." Is all the response she gives, fingers drumming on her exposed thigh impatiently. The motion is irritating, as if you were the bother and not her.
"First, I'll make you a promise to keep your little secret." You motion to her chest, which is spilling out yet again. She looks back at you with a roll of her eyes and a clenched jaw. She pulls it shut yet again, crossing her arms over her chest to secure the fabric. "But the full price of my silence is based on how truthful you are. If you lie to me I will not hesitate to go back on my word. I imagine the Madame would be glad to have me lining her pockets once again."
She nods slowly, straightening but still sat atop you.
"What's with all this?" You motion above you, unoccupied arm coming to rest behind your head. "The short hair, the baggy garments, the prostitute bride?"
"There's a man I want to kill and as I imagine you know, it's hard to make your way in this world as a woman." Her eyes reflect a deeper shade of green. "I needed you to solidify me masquerading as a man."
"Why me specifically?" You cock your head to the left, your own fingers tapping gently on your chin. "Or am I just that unlucky?"
She looks you up and down as if assessing you down to the very fragments of your soul. It makes you squirm uncomfortably underneath her.
"He's someone you used to be well acquainted with." Chills run up your spine at her admittance. She's holding you hostage in her vermillion gaze, judging whether or not you can handle the information. "I figured he'd come looking for you when his part of your monthly earnings stopped being sent."
It's your turn to straddle now, flipping her so her back thuds into the embroidered quilt below. You don't care what her reasons are, what little ways he may have wronged her.
"Jinichi Zenin." You hiss, your lips are pulled up over your teeth and the words come out as a curse, like just the name being spoken aloud was burning the tastebuds off your tongue.
She just stares at you and there's a disgusting paranoid little voice in your head that tells you 'she's one of them. kill her. kill them all.'
"I want his head." It's catlike, almost a purr your fingers tickling at the expanse between her breasts in a seductive way you learned so many years ago. She lets you do as you please, regardless of the fact that she could overpower you almost too easily. "I wanna put it in a glass fucking box and keep it so he can watch me live a happy life after I've taken his."
A sly smile plays at her lips, that marred side of her mouth stretched so the battered skin becomes an even brighter white. "I've chosen a very vindictive little bride."
You ignore her. "I'll help in whatever way I can. I just want the bastard gone."
"A month more is all I need. Just pretend with me for another month." It's almost pleading, though you imagine she feels that's a bit beneath her.
"Surely, I can help with more than just that." You huff, crinkle settling between your brow in a way you know the Madame would've swatted you for. She thinks for a moment, eyes rolling to look up at the ceiling panels.
"Can you cook?" Her hands come up and you think she's about to push you off her, but she just rests on her elbows as if to get a better look at you.
"I suppose, but I don't enjoy it." You pout.
"I don't enjoy that either." You're beginning to become irritated. The wifely, mundane duties of a woman never suited you. "If you have forgotten, I have spent the last few years of my young life laid on my back and being tended to by other women."
The proclamation doesn't make you feel any better, yet it still doesn't fill you with any desire to better yourself in either department. Homemaking reminded you of a life long past. Something you had only had the illusion of and would never have again.
"I can't have my betrothed unhappy, now can I?" She chuckles, the rumbling setting something alight underneath you, pressing your thighs together. "Well, what can you do then?"
You eye her up and down letting your kimono fall lazily down both shoulders, your areolas peaking over the edge of the fabric. You hover over her, eyes half lidded in that way that had your customers emptying out their pockets. "Would you like me to show you, my wife?"
She crinkles her nose at the moniker, but her eyes travel along your collar bones and down that pretty little valley between your breasts. If she was a man, you'd feel her solid underneath you. Something about not truly knowing how she felt was exciting, like learning the art of seduction for the first time again.
"You're a cunning little fox." She muses, her fingers playing at the tie around your waist. "And you'll let me use you like that?"
"It's about time I use my talents for my own gain." You smile as your own hand mirrors over hers, notching it into the loose knot and pulling it free. You're laid bare in front of her, undergarments strewn somewhere in the corner. You bend down until your lips find her ear, nibbling on her lobe. "Besides, what else do I have to offer?"
She almost imperceptibly recoils, her hands falling. She lifts you up with ease, settling you on the tatami mats beside your futon. Her face is soft in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable in your nakedness, especially as she bends down and presses a soft kiss to your cheek. It makes you feel dirty, unclean. She looks almost disappointed, as if she hadn't plucked you out of a pleasure house.
"I will be in your debt." She whispers, she sounds so feminine now you wonder how you could have perceived her as anything but. "I'm going into town, you can come with me if you want."
You nod, mumbling something about needing a bath, unable to meet her gaze. She leaves you with that, ungraceful in her steps as she moves out of the room. You sit for a moment, stark naked and feeling worse than you have in a long while before pulling your robes closed and bolting to the hot spring.
Today, you scrub your skin until it bleeds.
 âŹâŹÎčââââââââïș€
 You make your way back to the shrine, rejection licking its way after each step you make closer to where Toji is sat waiting on your engawa. You still find it hard to meet her gaze, you can't remember a timeâ if there ever was oneâ where your advances had been rejected. It stung more than the bathwater over your raw skin.
You say nothing as you brush past her, all too aware of yourself as you pick out a kimono. You pull that pretty forest green one from your wicker trunk, trying to ignore the way it matches her eyes in that annoyingly unintentional way. You hang it over the lid of the box as you slip on your tabi, all too aware of how her gaze follows as your spine curves. It feels scrutinizing now, it makes your skin crawl as you try not to think about the raised scratches on your exposed skin.
You hear her feet pad across the tatami mats, holding your breath when you see her bend down and pick up your kimono. The white chrysanthemums patterned against green silk sparkling in the early morning sun. You pull your nagajuban over your shoulders and tie it neatly, taking your time as an act of petty revenge as she stands there with your robes in her hands. You put your arms out, watching in mirrored glass as a crease of concentration forms between her brows. Strong arms whip you around to face her as she wraps the right side over the left like she'd been dressing you all her life. She bends down, tongue popping through her plump lips as she makes sure the hem clears your ankles. The koshihimo is plucked from inside the wicker basket, securing it over the bunched fabric at your waist and pulling it to form an even fold over your midsection. A little part of you wonders where she learned to tie it so well, considering hers tend to be oversized and tied haphazardly.
"I wasn't raised as a man, you know." She blurts, reading you like an open book in a way that makes irritation buzz beneath your facade of indifference. "Now, where's your obi?"
You sit in your silence, bending down to retrieve it from underneath all your other trinkets. You take the sewing box from it as well, waiting for her to take the garment from you. The white silk is patterned with intricate butterflies that seem to change color in the light, she marvels at the ornate pattering and you think maybe its best not to mention that you'd gotten it so many moons ago as a wedding present. You hadn't dared to wear it even once.
You flip open the false bottom in your sewing box, pulling your pouch of savings from within and tying it to the netsuke attached to your obi once she was done. She stands back and watches you, as if marveling at her handiwork. You nod your head toward the door, "Bring me your robes, I'll tie them properly for you."
"I can do it just fine on my own." She grunts, you stifle a laugh as you give her a once over.
"I don't desire to be in your debt anymore than I already am." You wave her off, kneeling in front of the mirror to begin pinning your hair in whatever way seems most appropriate for the kimono you've chosen. "Let me help you, call it my wifely duties or my addition to our shared cause if you so wish."
She stares at you through the glass and you hold her there, telling her without words that you won't be backing down. She turns on her heel with a sigh and slithers through the doorway, not bothering to close it behind her.
That inky black hair makes its reappearance just as you put the last of your hairpins in. Her face is solemn, as if you'd slighted her in some way by offering her help in the way of appearing more presentable. You stand to your feet, socks smooth against the floor. Your hands cup her chin, angling it up so shes looking forward, adjusting her shoulders for better posture. That smug glint in her eye is gone, now sending daggers your way. You have to hold back a snort, she looks too much like a bratty child as she is now.
"Would you rather I dressed more sloppily so we can match?" You tease, pulling her haphazardly strewn on kimono from where it's tucked inside her hakama. "Who in their right mind would believe we're married?"
She makes a low sound, hands tensing at her sides as you continue discarding layers of cloth. "Maybe they'll think I'm a devoted husband whose only wish in life is to provide for my wife."
You glance up, a laugh exploding from deep inside your belly as you see how proud of herself she looksâ which makes her pout. "Well, I guess you plan for me to beat the other women off you, hm?"
She says nothing, avoiding your eyes as you take off her last layer, stripped down to her undergarments. She doesn't make eye contact with you in her nakedness and you can't blame her. She wasn't the one who had spent years in a glorified brothel. You hold her face in your hands, making her look forward once again and rolling her shoulders back. You frown at how poorly her chest is bound.
"Arms out." She makes a noise like a low growl at your demand. "Oh please, I'm not going to fondle you."
Her eyes roll, but she does as she's told. You have to hold back calling her a 'good girl' just to spite her. You mull over ways to distract her as your fingers pull the sarashi loose. Her breasts falling to where they should sit naturally. And oh, was she beautifully endowed. You almost want to curse her out for it.
"So, why are you going after that bastard Jinichi?" You try to distract yourself from the way her nipples protrude in the chilly morning air, ignoring how beautifully pink they are as well. There's a seductive little whisper in the back of your mind that urges you to crane your neck and pull one between your teeth. You chalk it up to years of conditioning from surviving in the pleasure district. Though, the thought doesn't last long. Not when she's more rigid than before after your prying.
 "There was a woman I loved very much. She was sickly and in her desperation she was offered opium as a cure." Her face is solemn, voice devoid of any emotion in the same way it had been when she'd told you to pack your whole life in one trunk. You dont say anything, just nod as you fold the cloth neatly in half. "Jinichi provided her with it and she died as a result."
Some little part of you that you'd thought died aches at the way her eyes unfocus and stare blankly at her reflection. You don't need to ask, she had loved that woman more than what could be ascribed to friendship. No, you know that look of grief. You had felt it in your own way, had seen it staring back at you.
"I apologize for asking." You mutter, you can't bear to look her in the eye now. You had crossed a line, even if you hadn't known it was there.
"It was three years ago, it'd be foolish of me to be upset over it still." She tries to feign indifference, the scar on the right corner of her mouth pulling taut with a too wide, close lipped grin. You want to say something reassuring, to tell her you understood at least half of what she felt; to lie and say it would pass. But you knew all too well what the passage of time was capable of, what it could twist that solemn feeling into. So you say nothing and continue wrapping the binder tightly around her until her chest lies practically flat.
"How do you feel about killing the man you love?" Your head snaps up to meet her gaze as your fingers stuff the loose end into the many layers of cloth. Your brow furrows, your face turning hot at the presumption that you could still love a monster like him. Laughing incredulously.
"Love?" You almost can't believe the implication. "No, there is no love left inside me for that man. Maybe not for anyone again."
You slide her kimono back over her shoulders, frown deepening as you realize she seems to have gotten it made at least 2 sizes too big. She folds her arms back to her sides as you repeat the masculine version of what she had just previously done for you. Wrapping the left over the right, securing the waist cord and tying the kaku-obi low around her hips. Your muscle memory astonishes you, the way your body still remembers how to properly dress a man. You stand back and admire your handiwork, smoothing your hands over whatever wrinkles and pleats there may be before tossing her hakama to her.
"He's my brother, you know." She says it so casually, as if it's normal for brothers and sisters to kill their lovers and each other. There's a small pit of betrayal laying heavily in your belly, though you surmised as much. The madame had referred to her as a Zenin originally, after all. And that same dark, unruly hair and the overconfident way they both held themselves would have been enough of an indication anyway.
"Didn't see you at the wedding." You joke, trying to lighten the mood. "Or had you already denounced the Zenin name by then?"
"Hmm, well I can't say we were ever close." Her nimble fingers tie the strings, though her eyes hold yours. "I'd taken on her last name long before your wedding."
"Good for you." You smile, picking up your sandals and moving them toward the now opened shoji, placing them on the engawa. "To be a Zenin is to be cursed anyhow."
She chuffs out a laugh and it's beautiful, innocent and childlike. You tuck the image away in your mind, into a safe spot where you can mull it over again later. She grabs her own sandals and places them next to yours, sliding them on before offering you a hand which you gladly take.
"Let's hope your seduction will prove fruitful."
 âŹâŹÎčââââââââïș€
 When you arrive in town, Toji ties up your horses and as she does you immediately try to run off. The only things on your mind being finding the first poor soul to take advantage of and buying her a more fitted kimono. Both of which she'd hinder you in doing. Her hand circles around your wrist, pulling you back into her with a quiet look of demanding.
"I can't very well seduce anyone with my husband riding my skirts, can I?" You ask, your tone enticing. "Let me do my job, you do yours."
She doesn't like the idea, the look of irritation on her face says as much, but there's no other way. Your nails harsh her jaw, that murderous little look you have found yourself enjoying splayed across it as you kiss her cheek before going on your merry way.
Edo and it's residents proved to be quite unhelpful, except for the shop merchant who'd sold you a dazzling emerald kimono and a new pair of hakama pants. No matter who you turned your flirtations onto, there was no information to be had about Jinichi or anyone else in the Zenin clan for that matter. You should've expected as much, considering they had their grubby little fingers in just about every business in Edo. Hell, a good chunk of the money you had made at the pleasure house was going straight back into their pockets.
You trudge your way back to where Toji had left the horses, trying to find a way to hide the thick fabrics from her. You didn't want to come off as too soft for fear of it being taken advantage of. She was still a woman you didn't know, with ambitions you couldn't be 100% sure about.
Toji is halfway down the road, watching as you try to stuff the garments inside your kimono. She looks at you as if you've grown another head and you huff, embarrassment warming your cheeks. "You needed something more tailored if we're going to be seen together in the future."
You hope it comes across as conceited as it was meant to, she hums a sarcastic little sound and you fight the urge to bite back with a rebuttal.
"Any luck?" She frowns and you don't need to ask whether she had been successful in her investigating either. You give her a small shake of your head, though you're largely more interested in the ceramic vessel tucked under her arm.
"Sake?" You smile, a mischievous little grin pulling at your lips. She rolls her eyes, setting it on the dirt path for a moment before hoisting you up onto your horse.
"Well, it was supposed to be a celebration." She pouts, "Though, I guess me and my little drunkard wife can still partake."
You glare at her, in a playful little way that makes her chuckle. "There's one more place I want to check before heading back." She perks up like a dog being offered table scraps, awaiting your continuance.
"Just follow me, it's not terribly far from here."
 âŹâŹÎčââââââââïș€
 Toji follows you wordlessly, the sounds of hooves slamming into dirt and grass the only sounds between you. You slow to a stop, coming up on a large estate that looks like it was abandoned in a hurry. The screens have been left open, empty trunks strewn about inside and out. You dismount, jaw tight as the familiar building gets closer and closer with each step. You felt like a ghost here. In the house that supported the facade of devotion, where you had planned to see children with inky black hair and terrible attitudes running through the halls.
Toji's light footsteps aren't far behind, her finger hooking into the sleeve of your robes as you stand thereâ stuck in a daydream.
"This was my home for a short time." You blurt, taking one step through the threshold. The pictures of both of your parents still hung on the wall at the end of the hall. She says nothing.
You peek into the front room, your wedding portrait staring back at you. Your stomach churns and your fists ball up, you look like a young girl in love. Probably because you were, foolish as it had been. Jinichi is seated beside you with his stone face of indifference and his long hair you used to hope he would never cut.
You don't linger long, pushing to the bedroom you'd shared to see if there's any indication of where he could've run off to between the remnants of your old life. The room is practically bare, save for your wedding kimono hanging out of the wardrobe. Your fingers itch at your sides to run your hands over the fabric, fold it up and store it away like there was another time you'd be betrothed.
"Take it with you." Her voice is low behind you, your head snaps to look at her leaning in the doorway. "Burn it, wear it again. It's yours ain't it?" She shrugs it off in that dismissive sort of way. You turn your back to her again, delving further into the room and pulling it from the wardrobe. Your heart stops when a scrap of paper floats to the ground. You turn to look at Toji again, eyes blow wide. Her footsteps boom over the tatami mats, bending down and clutching the paper in her hand so hard it wrinkles.
"To my wilted little flower," Your hands shake as Toji begins reading. You want to rip it from her hands, embarrassment and rage coming to make themselves at home inside you. "I imagine you've come looking for me. I loved that vindictive little part of you. Come, yell at me. Be spiteful and spit your venomous words my way. Your husband misses you."
You stand to your feet, leaving your kimono and house of lies behind as you trek your way back to your horse. You don't want her to finish. There's a part of you that knows if his location is revealed to you, you'll be halfway there by the time Toji falls asleep and you weren't dumb enough to think you'd be successful without a concrete plan.
You haul yourself haphazardly onto your horse, using Toji's hakama and kimono as padding underneath you. She doesn't say anything as she sits atop hers a few seconds behind. You hope the promise of sake is still there and tell yourself you'll just pad into her room when she's sleeping to take it and help yourself.
The ride is silent again, your bones feel like they're vibrating underneath skin and muscle. Toji's pulled ahead of you at some point, her jaw set tight and brow furrowed in the moonlight. She looks beautiful and vicious, you want to slip your hands inside of her kimono and feel the warmth of her skin under your fingertips.
When you get back to your shared home, she takes your horse from you and leads both of them back to that makeshift stable that faces your room. You trudge your way through the screen, putting her new clothes on the low table in the front room before setting your sights on your own dwelling. You're halfway naked by the time you enter, your body heavy with frustration and hatred. Your nemaki is pulled over your shoulders, undergarments discarded and the ribbon tied loosely around your midsection as you rest against the door frame.
She's come in by then, her own deep blue sleeping clothes pulled on and sat at the low tableâ the garments you'd gotten her gone now. There's two sakazuki in front of her, both filled to the brim with what feels like liquid gold.
"What, is this our marriage ceremony?" You snort, gesturing to the cups as you sit on your knees in front of her.
"It's all we had." She chuckles back, sliding one your way and picking hers up with slender fingers. "Besides, I'd say it's a celebration of sorts."
You raise a brow her way, picking your own up and bringing it to your lips. "Celebration of what? Getting the run around from Jinichi?" His name tasted like poison on your tongue, the sake following suit to wash it away.
"I'd say we've made some great progress. All thanks to you of course." She gives you a sly little wink, you watch too closely as her head tips back. The way her lips part and throat moves as she swallows. You want to reach out, slip sake between your mouths as you press your lips to hers. You want to take everything from her just to give it all back and then some.
"Well, I'm glad I could be of use somehow." You shake your head, pulling yourself from your pent up day dream. You'd thought about her naked and writhing too much latetly, like you were some old pervert.
"You being here was enough." She smiles, it pulls at you somewhere deep inside in a way that makes you so uncomfortable you shift on your knees. "So, thank you."
You blush, looking away from those green eyes that hold you captive more often than you'd like to admit to yourself. "Oh, don't get soft on me now. A lowly woman from the pleasure district like myself, may fall in love with you."
It's teasing and lighthearted enough. The truth of the matter was letting yourself love Toji wouldn't be hard. In fact, it was so easy it was becoming worrisome. This life was bliss. It was peace in a way you had never known it. And Toji had given that to you. You had spent even less time with Jinichi before you'd been married off and you had learned to love him intensely, evil as he was.
"Firstly, I'd never dream of calling you lowly." She laughs, pouring another cup of sake for you both. "Secondly, it'd be an honor for most to be loved and doted on by a woman like you."
Her admittance leaves you wordless, choosing instead to down the sake she'd poured in one gulp, watching as she does the same and begins filling them again.
"Oh, you flatter your wife." Your giggle feels like it reverberates around the room. "Though, doubtful as it is."
"I am a courtesan." Your fingers drum lazily on the table, face warm with alcohol and maybe a little embarrassment, "A prideful one at that."
She quirks a brow at you, waiting for you to finish your drawn out thought. She takes your silence as a signal for the truth serum the sake had become. Her hands are steady and sure, much unlike yours that feel the need to busy themselves whether it be tapping or picking at the frayed sleeve of your nemaki.
"You denied me." Your eyes are cold as they flit to connect with hers. You hold her gaze as you bring the cup to your lips and swallow slowly. The bite has you pulling air through your teeth. "You're the first, you know? To deny the opportunity to seek pleasure in me."
"A good sign don't you think? I value you for more than what is between your legs." She laughs as if you had told a rather funny joke. It irritates you though you imagine it should make you feel better.
You try your seduction again, her statement feeling like a challenge. You let your robes slide all the way off this time, the lantern lights flickering against your breasts. Your robes pool around your hips and your hands push them away, baring it all. You convince yourself the flush on her cheeks is in fact because of you and not the multitude of sake shared between you. Her eyes dart around like she isn't supposed to be looking and it bothers you even more.
"Do I not pique your interest, my wife?" It's quiet, barely a whisper. Insecurity masked by seduction. You lean over the table, faces merely a few inches apart as your breasts kiss the laquered wood. "Do you not think of me late at night, alone in your chambers?"
She pulls her own full cup to her lips, drinking it just as fast as she'd poured it. Settling the cup onto the table a little more heavy handed than you think she means to.
"You haunt me." She breathes, settling back onto her palmsâ the distance between you increasing. "Every moment of every day, you're like a ghost I can't shake off."
You smile at that, it makes you feel better about the sleepless nights you've spent playing at your clit at the thought of her. There's a deep hunger within you that food and drink can't satiate, the sake settling like a warm hum beneath your skin.
"Then let me keep haunting you, Toji." You think it may be the first time you've said her name aloud. A small thing she seems to have noticed as well as she sits lazily across from you, her robes loose around her waist, face pulled into a magnetizing little smile.
"You are very bewitching." Her face is relaxed, nothing like it had been all of the other times you'd been disrobed in front of her. You can feel her denial like a heavy weight on your back and curse yourself for deluding yourself into thinking she'd take you to her chambers. Maybe the pleasure district had warped you into thinking you were irresistible. Maybe you were now the fool who couldn't decipher kindness from want. No better than a man.
You shrug on your robes, looking away from that beautiful face that makes you ache somewhere you'd thought had been lost to you. Right now, you wish it had. You stand to your feet, hiding away inside yourself like a forgotten child. "I thank you for the sake. I shall retire to my chambers."
Your sleeve is pinched between her fingers, her head hanging like you'd just given her a rather harsh scolding. "Stay."
"I do not like to be orderedâ"
"Tomorrow, after we go find Jinichi and end his miserable life, I want you to stay." She keeps her head down which you feel thankful for when your whole face morphs into ugly shock. "I don't want to lie with you if you're ready to turn tail as soon as our goal's been achieved. You may be a prideful woman but I promise my jealousy far exceeds that."
You fall to your knees, face in your hands as you try to mask the elation spread across your features. "Oh, you foolish woman."
"I feel calling me foolish is rude." She pouts, her fingers prying yours away from your face. "I just offered you my life."
You snort at her. A foolish woman indeed. "Is that what that was?"
"Was I not clear?" Her dark brows pull together, the left one quirked up higher as her scar turns downward. Your fingers tap against your chin in mock contemplation, goading her into the notion that you may just decide to leave and never look back. Jinichi had been right, you were vindictive.
"I would like to keep haunting your halls for a good long while. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to haunt your chambers." You laugh, shaking her off and standing to your feet. "For now, I will bid you goodnight."
You close the door softly behind you once you're back in your room, loosing out a shaky breath. All your late nights
You slip under your quilts so quickly you don't notice Toji's lingering frame shadowed against the shoji before putting out the lantern.
 âŹâŹÎčââââââââïș€
 The next morning you and Toji have a breakfast filled with conversation about what you'll pick up at the next market, all the new embroidered silks you're going to buy for your next kimono while Toji tells you to get whatever pleases you. You both say nothing about what will transpire in a few hours.
She cleans the kitchen and you pretend to be helpful and not distracting. She ties your kimonoâ a beautiful opalescent silk pattered with cherry blossomsâ and picks out your hair sticks. You try to convince her to tie her hair back to which she refuses as you dress her in the new kimono and hakama you'd bought her.
You both look at each other with twin grim expressions once all is said and done. She sits at the low table, motioning for you to join her. You do. She uses one hand to push her hair back from her dazzling face and you wonder how much more beautiful she is naked. To which you pinch yourself forâ it's no time to be fantasizing. Her other hand picks at her cuticles til they bleed.
"He wants you to come to the Zenin estate." She blurts, she looks nervous and you don't need to be a mind reader to know she's considering leaving you at home. You both know you'd never forgive her if she did. "He says the rest of the clan will be out doing their bidding so it'll just be servants perusing the halls."
You nod slowly. You feel your breakfast coming up, pickled vegetables creating something like a bomb in your stomach. "What do you need me to do?"
"Just go in. Be the dutiful wife who misses her husband. We'll take one horse, I'll ride with you until we're just outside of the estate and I'll take it from there." She's sure of herself and it provides you with some strange comfort.
"I want to be the one to land the final blow." You mirror her confidence despite your lack of training. You won't freeze or falter. You want to watch the life drain from his eyes and know that you had a hand in your own fateâ your own peace.
"It's too dangerous for youâ"
"I don't care." It's akin to a growl. You're all but baring your vicious little teeth and she doesn't even pretend to flinch.
"You loved him for a time. It's much harder to kill someone you love than you think." Her hand reaches out to you from across the table. You take it but keep your face stern. You won't let her sway you.
"Toji." It's all you say, conveying with your eyes everything else you can't say aloud. She sighs, letting her free hand slide over her face and saying something under her breath about you being a frustrating brat.
"Alright, okay? I get it." She looks tired, like she had spent all night contemplating this exact scenario. She had. "I'll hold him down and you'll sink your pointy little teeth in him."
You smile at her, bringing the hand you're holding to your lips. "Thank you."
"If you go rogue on me I won't hesitate to put your ass back on that horse and send you back home. Where it's safe." You wave her off, standing to your feet and making your way to the stables.
 âŹâŹÎčââââââââïș€
 The ride to the Zenin estate is long. You'd forgotten how far from civilization yours and Toji's little slice of heaven is. Anxiety licks its way up your spine, not because of Jinichi or for your own well being. Toji is both the cause and the cure. Her chest is pressed firmly against your back and you're beginning to come to terms with the fact that you've become quite the pervert. You imagine her fingers under your robes as she sits behind you, licking her fingers covered in your wetness.
"The tips of your ears are red, you little degenerate." Her lips are too close to your ear and it makes them flush all the more.
As promised, she hops off your horse just before the bend that leads to the compound. She herself looks anxious now, fiddling with the strings on her hakama. You almost wish you'd let her wear her old robes, it'll be pain to get the blood out of her garments. She urges you down off the horse for a moment, cupping your face in her hands as soon as your feet hit the ground.
"You are going to go in there and be your most charming self. Say whatever it is you think he wants to hear. I'm going to be right behind you whether you can see me or not. You are going to be smart and level headed. We will kill him and then we will go home. Safe. Together."
You nod, smiling as the crease in her brow deepens. "I will be fine. I know how to stroke a mans ego. I used to be a professional until you came along."
She doesn't say anything as she rests her chin atop your head. She takes a deep breath in and kisses your scalp before pulling back, your face still cupped in her hands. "Oh my pretty little bird."
You roll your eyes at the moniker. "We should go."
She nods but doesn't let go. Her face comes closer and you're too eager, gripping her by her kimono and pulling her toward you to connect your lips. They're softer than you'd imagined, melding into your own. You curse the both of you for having these grudges, you want to go home and twist around under your quilts until you fall asleep with your limbs intertwined. Though, if it weren't for these grudges you'd still be married or worse yet, still stuck in the brothel. You would've never known the peace she had given you.
The kiss is cut much to short, both of you panting as you pull away. She presses one more kiss to your forehead before lifting you back onto your horse and giving it a light swat on the behind to urge it forward. Try as you might not to look back, you watch her until she disappears. The path ahead is filled with carefully crafted masks and bloodshed. You want to feel her warmth the whole way through. When had you become so sentimental?
There's no one to greet you after you tie up your horse and make your way to the inner gardens. You're not totally unfamiliar with the Zenin estate, you'd been there a couple times. Once during Jinichi's courting and once more when you'd been married. You were supposed to return once more when you'd become with child, which thankfully never happened.
When you slide open the Shoji to the main house, Jinichi is sat waiting with his back to you. A different location but too similar to your dream. His hair is as long and wild as ever and you take this opportunity to pull your face into something mirroring eager elation.
"Jinichi!" You gush, running over and wrapping your arms around his large shoulders. He hums a gruff sound and places his hand over one of your forearms, stroking you like a pet. Your skin feels coated with grime, a bath has never sounded better.
"My wife has come home." If you didn't know him, you'd think he was actually excited to see you. "Did you miss me?"
"How could I not, dear husband? My only wish in this life has been to remain by your side." You hope wherever Toji is, she cant hear you. Or will at least pretend not to.
"I've been looking for my little flower for a very long time." Liar.
"I curse the gods for keeping us apart. But I am home now." You nuzzle into his neck, that familiar smell stinging your nostrils so harshly it almost makes your eyes water. He pulls you into his lap, his fingers playing with the tie on your obi. You try to mask the way your whole body freezes, your stomach turning at the thought of having to lie with himâ or any other manâ ever again.
Regardless, your hand comes up to caress the side of his face. "What about you, did you miss me?"
He smiles in that disgusting way you used to find so endearing, his teeth on display as if he was warning you not to cross him. "Of course I missed you, honey. Your husband is so glad to have you back home."
His fingers pull the knot loose, your kimono pulled open to leave you just in your undergarments. His hungry gaze feels like spiders walking all over your skin and you want to scream and cry for Toji. But you don't. You keep that deep look of adoration splayed across your features, clinging to him like a child with your eyes squeezed shut.
"Take your filthy hands off her. Now." The low rumbling of Toji's voice is like music to your ears. When you open your eyes, she's got a katana pressed against his neck.
"Oh, my little sister come to save my whore wife?" He laughs, it's bitter and void of all that emotion he had pretended to have before. It's your turn to bare your teeth, pulling the short blade from where it's strapped against your thigh and clenching it between your fist.
"You mean the wife you left to rot in the pleasure district?" You laugh back, "I am not the same foolish girl you married and you would've been wise to expect more than an easy lay from me."
He finds that funnier than the blade against his neck, his eyes furious as spit flies from his cursed maw. "Do you forget yourself? You are two women. What do I have to fear?"
You see his hands moving and before you can think you're kicking him onto his back, Toji's blade nicking his throat. She looks at you like you've betrayed her and you know you're one idiotic move from her keeping her promise to send you back home.
"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned, dear husband." You straddle his waist and pretend not to see the frown on Toji's face and the hardness underneath you. "You've taken something very precious from the both of us. Your debt will not be left unpaid."
Your hand is steady as you plunge your knife into his chest cavity. Blood seeps from the wound and turns his kimono a darker shade, but it's his laugh that unsettles you. His blood flies from his mouth, covering your garments with splatters of crimson.
"You stupid woman." He spits, "Both of you exist to be used as pawns. Nothing more than pleasurable toys to be used at a man's whims."
You see red as his eyes flit to Toji. You think of her struck with grief as she holds her deceased lover and your limbs are out of your own control.
"Don't look at her. Don't look at her. Don't look at her." It's repeated through clenched teeth as your weapon is pressed into that same wound over and over. You continue even as his body goes limp and his eyes glaze over. You barely notice as Toji's blade separates his head from his neck, your body put on autopilot.
You hear her call your name but it sounds too far away. Only when her bloodied hands cover yours do you stop moving and let her pull you off him. She brings you into her lap, smoothing your hair and holding you like you would a child who needed consoling. Your fingers grip into whatever piece of her you can latch onto, gasping for air like you'd been drowning.
Jinichi is gone and you're finally free.
"It's alright." She pulls your kimono closed and secures your obi once again. "He's dead, it's just you and me now. Let's go home, yeah?"
You nod and she lifts you in her arms, carrying you the whole way back to your horse. Its breathing steady underneath your thighs. Your fingers rake through her mane, silky and smooth under your bloodstained fingertips.
Toji's warmth is something beyond comfort, her arms wrapped tightly around you as you make your blood-soaked way back home. Her lips press softly against your ear, words of comfort whispered in as her breath tickles your skin.
It takes too long to get home, your mind and body heavy with exhaustion. The sun has come and gone as you trot up to the stables, the cool night air soothing against your clammy skin. Toji hops off, leading the horse to its pen and plucking you from its back before shutting it in beside the other horse in its stall. She takes your hand and you walk toward your room at the back of the house, sitting you on the engawa as she carefully removes your sandals and tabi socks. She's quiet and focused, that almost permanent crease between her dark brows on display. You want to kiss it away, your body leans forward and your presses your lips to that little crease. Her hands rest on your thighs, rubbing circles on your soft skin.
"Wait here, okay? The fresh air is good for you." She stands up, joints cracking as she makes her way to the shoji screen and enters your home. You rest back onto your palms, counting the stars in the sky and for the first time appreciate the fresh air in your lungs. You reach over, taking your kiseru from where it now lives on the wooden flooring just outside your bedroom door and load it with tobacco. The nicotine fills your lungs and you think about what this freedom really meansâwhat life without shackles of the past could blossom into. You no longer had to bear the burden of rearing children, your wife takes care of all of the cooking and most of the chores and has already given herself a reputation for making you want for nothing. You needed a hobby, or at the very least needed to participate in home life a bit more. A purpose.
Toji's familiar footsteps pad against the tatami mats and then against the outside wood before coming to kneel in front of you with a large steaming basin under one arm and a rag hung over the opposite shoulder. She holds your eyes as she pushes the skirts of your kimono up, dipping the rag into the warm water and scrubbing between your toes and up your ankle all the way to you calves.
"You did well today." Her voice is softer than you'd ever know it to be and part of you wishes for that gruffness backâ selfish as it is.
You hum in response, reaching your hand out to push her hair from her eye line. "Maybe you can start taking me with you wherever you seem to run off to during the day."
Her brow quirks, her gaze dropping back down to the basin to wring out the blood from the cloth and begin scrubbing at your thighs. Your heartbeat quickens as she travels higher, your legs parting as if on instinct. "I don't know what you mean."
There's a smile pulling at her scar, she's a wonderful liar and you both know it. You laugh at her, your knees coming up to expose your undergarments. "Don't lie. I'd be a fool not to have some inkling of what you're getting up to when your clothes are always splattered with blood."
"Don't you worry your pretty little head, my wife. Do as you wish, learn to paint or play the koto. Buy one hundred kimono's just to watch them collect dust. The only job you have is to live with happiness in your heart. That is all I want for you."
"You fool." Your fingers thread into the panels of her kimono, making her fingers stop their movements on the inside of your thighs. You want her more than you ever have, which is alarming considering how many nights you tortured yourself over the thought of her under your quilts. You pull her forward, lips pressing harshly against hers in a desperate kiss. Her hands grip into your hips and pull you down into her lap to sit atop her.
Her cold fingers untie your obi and pull your kimono away, your own hands pulling at the longer strands at her nape. Her mouth is greedy, finding purchase on your jaw and nipping at the skin there. Excited hands come up to pull your hairpins free, strands coming down to tickle against your face. You want her in a way that makes your skin feel like a live wire and your mind clear as if this was the one thing a lifetime of strife had been for.
Her fingers are calloused and rough against your soft skin, the juxtaposition of two hard lives carried out almost opposite before merging as one. You feel fragile in her embrace, breakable. Precious. Heart hammering against your chest like it was your first time being touched as she rids you of your undergarments. Soothed by hands that show kindness toward you while showing brutality to others as she kneads at your hips. Touching you in a way that is both rough and soft. Something you're sure only a woman could do. Or maybe it was just that only Toji was capable of such contradictory ministrations.
She sucks at your neck, tongue laving and teeth grazing your gentle skin as her hand comes to knead your breasts. You don't remember a time where you'd felt so passionate. So hot and heavy and wanting for more. Little pants of her name leave your parted lips and she takes it as an opportunity to let her tongue tickle against your lips, waiting for an invitation. You open your maw and she's so goddamn greedy, licking over your teeth, exploring the inside of your orifice as if she'd find some hidden part of you within to coax out. She sucks on your tongue, moaning into your mouth as you relinquish everything to her.
She lays you down gently, the grass kissing your naked back as she works her way down your front. The gentleness of every touch has you choking on emotion. You didn't know lust could be so tender and kind. So giving.
"Am I allowed to seek pleasure with you, my wife?" It's mumbled against your collarbone, the reverberation of her voice making your skin prick with goosebumps. Her ask pulls at someplace inside you thought had been lost long ago. To seek pleasure with you, not in you. You feel your face morph into something that wordlessly spells devotion and she looks at you as if seeing you with new eyes and a deep endearment that spans beyond this life time all the same. "Let me show you what it is to be wanted as a woman and not as a means to an end."
Tears prick at your eyes and you nod, fingers still locked through jet black strands. She leaves wet kisses against your décolleté before popping your right nipple in her mouth, using her roughened finger pads on the left. Your back arches under her touch, fingers twisting through shaggy hair.
"You're beautiful." It's more of a breath than a string of words. It doesn't feel like flattery, it feels like truth being spoken aloud. "I'm selfish and want to keep you locked away here, away from all the terribleness of the outside world."
"You're a bit late for that, my dear." You laugh through a yelp as she grazes her teeth over your sensitive peak. Her fingers leave your left breast and tap their way down your ribcage, past your abdomen and all the way to your pretty cunt. She leaves tender touches against your clit that make you want to reach out and rip her wrist away just to chastise her for stopping. She hums as her mouth follows the same path as her hands, the evidence of wet kisses being left behind on your stomach.
"And I'm not so terrible as to clip your wings and lock you in cage." She mumbles it into your belly, just above your mound. She ventures lower, onyx strands tickling against your skin as she licks a stripe just above your clit. It sends shivers across your entire body, your hips lift for more delicious pressure. She's teasing you and finding too much joy in it, sitting up between your thighs and popping one of your toes in her mouth. It's warm and wet and tickles a little more than you're comfortable with. You wriggle them around until she pops off, scrunching your face up at the glossy sheen of saliva left behind.
"I haven't had a bath, they're dirty." You pout.
"I wiped you down like a good wife, didn't I?" She puts your leg over her shoulder, kissing your ankle up to your calf before pressing a long one to the side of your knee. "You are purity personified. There is nothing unclean about you, my wife."
She hovers over your mound again and you clamp your legs closed around her head. "What now?"
"It's quite unfair I'm the only one naked." You huff as you push yourself up onto your elbows, a teasing glare playing on your features. She glares back but unties her hakama, discarding them and her kimono somewhere behind you. She wears no undergarments save for the cloth binding her chest. You sit up more properly, your hands shaking embarrassingly as you pull it loose and her breasts spring free. Your fingertips play gently at one of her peaks and she shudders. You watch her face contort into desperation and you scoot forward, the grass below flattening underneath you. Your mouth rivals hers in its greedy path, sucking a nipple into your mouth and swirling your tongue around it. You look up, holding her gaze as if to ask her silently if you're doing okay, little gasps muffled as she brings her hand to her mouth.
You pop off, blowing air over the saliva accumulated on her skin and watch as she shudders, goosebumps road-mapping their way over her. She's beautiful and feminine, you wonder how the world experiences her and doesn't see it. Her cheeks flush all the way to the tips of her ears, a foreign shyness splaying over her pretty face as she reverses your roles. She lays against the grass and pulls you to sit over her face, your view of her open legs and cunt. Her breath fans against your lower lips and you gasp, a dizzying cloud of lust coming over you as you bend forward.
Her tongue lolls out and licks at your pussy, mouth greedier than it had been before. That mouth. That beautiful mouth that teases and goads. Curses and compliments. It's on you and it's licking and sucking like you're the best thing it's ever known. You're writhing above her, grinding down into her tongue that's poking at your entrance. You curse and lie and tell her no more. But more is what you want. You want everything she has to give and maybe even more than that. Your bottom lip brushes over her pretty cunt and she whines, it's like music to your ears as your sounds of pleasure mix into a hypnotizing melody.
"You're so unfair." She mewls, her fingers coming up to replace her tongue. They scissor into you, opening you up as her mouth focuses back on sucking your clit. "A lovely woman with an even lovelier pussy. Come sit on my face a little harder, let me taste your sweet nectar more."
You gasp at her vulgarity, there's a tingling feeling just below your belly that's getting more intense as her words are spoken against your most sensitive spot. Your arms hook around her thighs, spreading them further before swiping your fingertips across her slit. Your eyes roll back between the forceful thrusting of her fingers, her sucking at your clit, and the wetness collected on your fingers. You bring it to your lips and suck, moaning at the taste of her on your tongue.
"And what about you? You've kept this wondrous cunt from me for so long. I could've been licking and fucking it for over a month now." You chide, teeth grazing her mound. She growls at that, free hand coming to swat at your ass and gloating as you yelp.
"What a greedy little thing you've become." She uses her long arm to push your upper body down, signaling you to mirror her movements. You oblige, pulling her swollen clit between your lips and sucking, keeping her legs spread with one arm and collecting her wetness with the fingers on the other before dipping them inside.
She's warm and wet, part of you understands the fixation men have on sheathing themselves inside though you didn't harbor any of their selfishness. You rock back and forth on her mouth in tandem with the thrust of her fingers. The whines and panting of the others name being cast into the surrounding forest as you mirror the way her fingers curl into a spot you'd never known existed.
There's a hot knot burning low in your belly that gets tighter and tighter as her fingers pump in and out of you more furiously. Her cunt is clenching around your fingers as you mirror her movements, drool and slick collecting on your chin, her hips undulating for more. You're stuck in a cycle of want. Both wanting to give and receive pleasure.
"Shh, I know. Just a bit longer, my dear. Just hold out a bit longer for me." Your clit buzzes with the vibration. Your hands are sporadic, your walls clenching to hold back your orgasm as Toji's brutality becomes more and more intense. The sounds of both of your cunts squelching in your ears making it that much harder to keep your composure.
"I- I can't. I have to cum Toji. Please." It's more whiny and desperate than you'd ever meant for it to be. Your toes are curling, blades of grass stuck in between as you rock against her. Her breaths are puffing out more heavily, her stomach becoming taut with need underneath you.
"Cum for me, my pretty little dove." She whispers. And you do, its earth shattering. Every atom in your body exploding with pleasure as you both become a tangle of limbs and sultry sobs. You're leaking down her forearm and she's watering the grass below as her body pulses underneath you. It's less than a minute but you're imprinting your teeth into her inner thigh, your unoccupied hand clenching so your fingernails leave crescent moons into the skin on the other. You're twitching with the aftershocks as she continues to clean you up with her tongue and spurring you into over sensitivity.
You go limp on top of her, your breasts pressing into her abdomen. Your fingers slide out of her and are popped into your mouth to savor the taste of her and you cry out when hers follow suit. She rolls you off her, easing herself into a crawl to plop next to you.
"I love you." She blurts. It's casual like she hadn't just said it for the first time. You stare at her mouth agape as you watch her lick your wetness from her forearms and sucking you off her fingers with a hum.
"What the hell do you mean what?" She snorts, turning on her side to get a better look at your awe struck face.
"Say it again." Your brows knit together in something between confusion and adoration. "I want to hear your honeyed words from those lips once again."
She chuckles at you, brushing your hair from your face and pressing a delicate kiss to your lips. "I love you."
You stare at her, taking in all the things you'd never been able to before. The way her eyes crinkle at the corners when she smiles, the way her breaths come out in controlled puffs, her jadeite eyes and how beautifully unique that scar on her lip makes her. The moonlight glows off her skin and you think maybe there has never been someone more beautifulâ more perfect for you.
"I love you too, my wife." You smile so hard it makes your cheeks hurt and she follows suit, that eye catching scar warping more beautifully.
She carries you inside once her limbs no longer feels like jelly, wiping you down fully this time and tucking you naked under your quilts. She only leaves you to make some tea and a bowl of soba noodles to share. You spend the rest of the night giggling and telling stories, though there are brief intermissions of fucking and moaning.
That's what your days become, mornings filled with warmth and love and evenings filled with desperate hands and whines. Peaceful and debauched. Living in love instead of running from it. Toji's is yours and you are hers, until you turn old and gray.