I feel like everyone focuses on the physical aspects of transitioning and the psychological aspects are overlooked. I'm not just talking about how mentally demanding transitioning and the stresses that come with it; mental and psychological changes can occur with transitioning due to the changes in hormone levels. I'm finding myself not as sympathetic as I was before (lacking empathy). I feel lazier even though most trans men claim to have more energy (maybe it's to do with not being able to exercise at the moment). I can't cry unless I'm really upset and I get angrier a lot easier and it's harder to calm down. Also mood swings are a thing and if I don't eat I get very grumpy. Not only that but I feel my personality has changed. I'm not sure how to put it into words, I may when I eventually get around to doing the video. As much as I'm liking the physical changes im not sure I like the psychological ones. I just hope that things settle down soon.
Was wearing this and I got misgendered by a guy at the bottle shop.
The one time I wasnāt wearing my binder because I wasnāt expecting to get out of the car and I had been wearing it for over 10 hours already.
I donāt know whether it is my voice, my features, my chest or a combination of all these things. I mean I look pretty masculine but my selfies are pretty flattering.
Iām just annoyed because my voice was getting deeper and now itās gone up a bit (which is normal). Iāve also gained weight since Iāve had surgery and my appetite has increased so much.
Iāve been doing some weights but I canāt do much else. Going to see the physio tomorrow to see how Iām going in regards to progress after knee surgery.
I found some chest hairs yesterday though, so Iāve got that going for me.
I've also ordered a simple stp (non-dick one) and a smaller mr limpy. Looking at getting a proper one soon, but I'm waiting to find one I'm really set on.
if you accidentally misgender someone, youāre probably gonna want to pretend it never happened and hope they didnāt notice. do not do this. they noticed. trans people are hyperaware of how people refer to them. they heard you and they want you to apologize. even if they act like nothingās wrong. theyāre waiting for you to apologize. just apologize
But at the same time, donāt be all, āomfg, Iām so sorry, and I promise I donāt think of you like that, and itās just an old habit, and Iām such a terrible person, andā¦ā Because then youāre taking my hurt and making it about you, thereby turning a hurtful situation into an even more hurtful and markedly uncomfortable one. Just say āsorry, I mean [correct pronoun]ā and continue on. That will show me that you do care and you do at least make an effort to think of me as my gender, and you just slipped. Which happens.
Iāve never thought of myself as being attractive.
Sure there have been times where I think Iām cute or pretty (*shudders at the memories of me wearing make-up*). That may be a part of not being happy with myself and the appearance that I have.
Even now transitioning, I have days where I think of myself as completely ugly and hideous. My weight may also be a factor, because I am overweight (yeah, front on selfies really do myself some justice). I donāt know if it is gender dysphoria or actual body dysmorphia.
But there are days where I think I am absolutely attractive. Maybe itās a self esteem thing.
Ā ---
I saw a post on an ftm page where it said have you ever noticed that when people post comparison pics of before and after their transition, they look /wrong/ as the opposite gender (before transition). I mentioned it to a friend (who also happens to be a trans woman). She said it may be due to the fact that they donāt know how to dress in the body they have before transition. I think itās something more however. Or maybe itās just in their after photos they look so much happier and more comfortable with themselves. Who knows.
I still have doubts about myself - am I making the right decision, is this all worth it? Am I really trans?
The answer is yes for all of the above. But there are days where dysphoria doesnāt affect me that much (I think this is where I previously thought I was genderfluid, because sometimes having female pronouns and terms of endearment do not affect me). It may be due to the situation or my mood, Iām not sure. Maybe itās because itās at work and Iām wearing my mask.
Then there are days when I get misgendered once and I feel like a sack of crap. Theyāre either days when I feel good about myself or my appearance OR I feel so dysphoric I want to rip my face off.
I see other trans peopleās stories. Some of them, theyāve always known. I start questioning myself and my experiences. I mean I remember when I was 7 and I wanted to dress like a boy and I convinced my uncle to cut my hair really short. I used to wish that when I fell asleep that I would wake up a boy (well, in the body of a boy, but in my child state I didnāt know anything about being trans).
So I gave up on that thought. I must be happy beingĀ āfemaleā because thatās what God made me (again, not my thoughts but thoughts I had instilled upon myself). I canāt be male so I must be happy being female.
There are times where Iāve tried to be happy living a female life. I even went through a stage where I would wear make up, do my hair, dress appropriately. I was miserable.
Anyway, what Iāve learnt from other transgender peopleās experiences is not to compare myself to them. Everyone is different and unique, it doesnāt mean that because I am trans Iām going to have the same experiences as them.
I also tried living a time as being butch (but not openly out as genderqueer). I became part of a lesbian social circle courtesy of a sport team. I tried to fit, I never felt like I did (well duh, because Iām not a lesbian).
And now I feel this sort of emptiness, because I donāt fit into that group any more. I come on tumblr and everything is about being gay, which is alright, but I really canāt stand the men hating / straight hating stuff. Granted, I identify as queer and somewhere on the bisexual scale, even if it is 1/99 scale. It doesnāt help that Iām demisexual and the only experiences Iāve had with men have been with straight men that view me as female.
And with local LGBT groups everything is centred around sexuality.
Iām not trying to belittle or demean anyone else. Just talking about my own experiences.
Also (I know I keep jumping subjects here, this is my current /stressed/ thought process), I was having a debate with a friend, who said that because I sleep with trans women I must not be straight. He uses the term homoflexible (which I hate the term btw). I donāt consider myself heteroflexible. I mean, I think of myself as predominately straight and I guess if I was to put a label on it that most people understand I would say bisexual.
But I donāt think you have to be queer (bisexual or pansexual) to be with a trans person. I think you have to be open as a person, thatās it.Ā
The only objection Iāve had, which has actually happened with someone Iām currently seeing, who just so happens to be trans as well. She identified as a lesbian and pressured me into shaving my moustache off because she hated moustaches and it made me feel really belittled. But she has since self reflected (after my friend went off on her and told her to treat me right) that she is either bisexual or homoflexible (again, that term).Ā
And I know, it shouldnāt matter if the person likes you for who you are, but I believe for lesbians and gay men, itās different for straight people to be with a trans person of the same sex, especially if they were in a relationship before that person came out (am I making sense?).
Iāve had a friend who was in a lesbian relationship before he came out as trans (Iām using lesbian because that was what they identified as before he came out). She said she was fine with it, but after they broke up he found out she wasnāt and it was a big part of their break up.
I know sexuality does not equal a personās identity, but I believe that for queer people, it makes up a large part of an identity if that makes sense.
So I think Iām going to start writing my own thoughts on this blog, because honestly I have a lot to say in regards to my own struggles. Also I want to start posting more on this blog.
I donāt know what I want the main purpose of this blog to be. I initially made it because I was losing a lot of followers on my main blog, but I post a lot of stuff there as well, because fuck it, itās my blog.Ā
I guess I just want a blog that I can document my transition and my own thoughts and dealings with being trans. Iām really not sure. I mean there are plenty of other blogs out there. I just want this to be personal and hopefully help other people too.
So I was going to write something significant or important and possibly post old selfies, but Iām not comfortable doing that. I can barely take selfies as it is at the moment.Ā
Itās been just over two months since Iāve started T and Iām feeling much better about myself.Ā
since it is trans day of visibility, we should do more than just post selfies (and essentially copy blackout). today i will try to be posting resources, history, and transition stories. thereās nothing wrong with posting some selfies today, but please donāt make that the only thing we do todayā this is a very important day, and is more than just selfies. blackout was a celebration of beauty our society often deems unworthy; trans day of visibility should be about making our community, history, and siblings known.Ā
a small list of resources for the moment:Ā
trans people who are in a serious situation, such as being suicidal, or being abused, etc. can contact the trevor project. they have a lifeline that is 1-866-488-7386Ā andĀ an online chat room.
the trans 100 is a list provided by GLAAD of inspiring trans americans.
we happy trans is a website that provides happy trans stories!
a longer list of resources from GLAAD can be found here
trans housing network
mermaids.org.uk is a website that provides individual and family support for young people with differing gender identities.Ā
trans law center (TLC)
Trans Youth Family Allies
gender justice leagueĀ ( specifically for advocating for gender equality within the LGBT+ community)
i will try to have more soon!! including stuff to good places to get things like binders and breast foams, clothes, make up, etc.Ā
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