TOUCHING FROM A DISTANCE

@OhCutItOut

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2019.

A real mixed bag of a year... Not my worst, but with enough pendulum swings to make me glad to see the back of it.

GUYS

I spent the first 6 months of the year dating a great guy (who wouldn’t commit) but showed me what it’s like to date someone who treats you with kindness and respect. I was sad he didn’t want it to go further but I’m glad we’re still friends.

(I was going to write something nice here about the guy I’ve been dating, but then he was an asshole so I’ll hold fire on that for a minute.)

MOVING

I finally moved to the city I’ve been working in for the past couple of years, but it wasn’t all fun and games. I thought I’d be going out with friends and enjoying the city now that I only had a short bus/taxi ride home... But, actually, I sat in my bedroom alone most nights. Moving anywhere new is hard and I think I forgot this because I was already familiar with this city?

FRIENDS

My good friend (my best friend really), and one of the few friends I had in this new city, gradually talked to me less and less and then ghosted me altogether. With no reason other than she was too busy to be my friend. Friendship break ups hurt more than relationship break ups, and I spent so much time dwelling on this.

Never mind that a guy I’ve been friends with for 6+ years, who I thought would  be the last person to hurt me, straight up lied to me recently (and got caught out on instagram). This really has been the year of shit friends. And I’m so ready to leave this bullshit in 2019.

For the past few months I’ve been using an app to make friends in my local area, because a new city is nothing without people to hang out with. And 29 is not too late to make new friends. So far I’ve made 3 friends who I’m hoping will stick around into the new year. Cheers to that!

2020.

Make time for more papercutting.

Try running papercut workshops.

Read 30 books.

Complete my 100 movies bucket list scratch off poster before my birthday. (18/100 to go.)

Improve my running. (Leg strengthening/better trainers, etc.)

Turn 30! (Oh shit.)

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2019 in books.

Mostly working my way through that never ending to-read pile that’s been collecting dust for years...

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Now I feel Christmassy.

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Whenever I’m feeling fragile I watch this film.

So, a lot.

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"He brought her goodness like a gift and now it belongs to her. Meanwhile his life opens out before him in all directions at once. They've done a lot of good for each other. Really, she thinks, really. People can really change one another."

Normal People, Sally Rooney

[mreinberg]

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If you stumble at mere believability, what are you living for? Isn't love hard to believe?"

Life of Pi, Yann Martel

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The guy I was seeing for 6 months ended it and I’ve mostly been dealing with it by watching Gilmore Girls and doing a 1000 piece Wasgij.

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Sartre believed that life must have meaning. It is an imperative. But it is we ourselves who must create this meaning in our own lives. To exist is to create your own life."

Sophie’s World, Jostein Gaarder

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I think throughout your life you’re constantly trying to improve 3 things: 1) your job, 2) your living situation, and 3) your romantic relationships. I know I am. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you might be really happy with 2 out of 3. Sometimes it goes down to just 1. Other times 0... I think being happy with all 3 must be like winning the lottery.

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Taken me almost 29 years to date a man who treats me like he actually likes me and it’s quite the revelation tbh.

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Oh, Marilla, looking forward to things is half the pleasure of them,

Anne of Green Gables, LM Montgomery

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Now I feel Christmassy.

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It occured to me recently that 4 years ago I was doing a job I hated, in a city where I barely had any friends, and was essentially a shell of a person. Only FOUR YEARS ago. It feels like a lifetime ago. I’m a completely different person.

It’s laughable how much of a non-person I was. Now I have a job I enjoy, and friends who I go to shows with. I make art, I date guys (not very successfully), and I’m not embarrassed about my life. I’m more confident, sometimes happy, and not ashamed to share my life with someone. In a short time I’ve become a person I don’t hate. Who knew that was even possible?!

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The bulk of our lives is scrawled in the margins."

Ruby Tandoh, ‘Eat Up!’

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In some ways I think the second year after someone dies is harder than the first year. During that first year you’re just thinking about getting through it. There’s lots of stuff that needs doing. And people keep checking in on you. But after that first anniversary it’s a continuous length of time, and you just have to keep going. Just keep living and progressing and continuing with your life without that person.

New, exciting developments in my life are always sprinkled with a little sadness that my dad isn’t here to see them.

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- Andy Warhol